


Maid with Benefits

by awolangel



Category: Naruto
Genre: AKA using sex food humor and kindness to help grease the wheels of character development, Akatsuki? Pft, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Crack Treated Seriously, Domestic Fluff, F/F, F/M, Female Reader, Fluff, Hidan's filthy mouth, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Imma fuck up canon guys lol, It's gonna suck my dick and LIKE IT, Lets pretend that they have an actual home-base and don't just astral project into a goddamn cave, Might as well rename their group Fuckboi Central, POV Second Person, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Reader-Insert, Smut, The Akatsuki find out they're actually sluts for domesticity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:27:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 133,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24238795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awolangel/pseuds/awolangel
Summary: Wanted: live-in maid and companion for a small group of hopeless, lonely bachelors.Of course they conveniently forgot to mention that said bachelors are a bunch of batshit crazy, highly dangerous missing-nin.Or in which you are in need of a job and the Akatsuki are in need of a 'maid with benefits.'And none of you have any idea what the hell you've just gotten yourselves into.
Relationships: Akatsuki (Naruto)/Reader, Deidara (Naruto)/Reader, Hidan (Naruto)/Reader, Hoshigaki Kisame/Reader, Kakuzu (Naruto)/Reader, Konan (Naruto)/Reader, Nagato | Pain/Reader, Sasori (Naruto)/Reader, Uchiha Itachi/Reader, Uchiha Obito/Reader, Zetsu (Naruto)/Reader
Comments: 1607
Kudos: 2222
Collections: A Collection of Beloved Inserts, Naruto Wonderland, Typsy's Dragon Hoard of 5 Star Fics





	1. Desperate Times

“A woman,” Pain repeats flatly, Rinnegan gaze never wavering as he regards the other man that’s half-cloaked in the shadows of the dimly lit room. “You want us to find a _woman_.”

“A _civilian_ woman,” the masked figure clarifies, head tilting as he crosses his arms. “And yes. Your ears are not failing you.” 

"Do you really think that's necessary?" Pain asks calmly, expression still flat. "Bringing in an unnecessary member could pose a risk to our operation."  
  
The masked man shrugs but otherwise doesn’t move from his casual leaning position back against the wall. "So long as you find someone willing, make _sure_ she's a civilian, and pay her for her services I doubt she'll be much trouble. Just don’t tell her any details and make sure she doesn't know the exact location of the hideout. If for some reason she tries to turn on us she can be easily disposed of."  
  
"But what of the men?" Pain asks. "Do you really think they'd...appreciate...having such a person in their living space?"  
  
"A lot of them are young and most of the ones that aren't are still men," the masked man explains evenly. "I can guarantee you they'd 'appreciate' her. Especially since they're all still active shinobi. Birth control takes up a considerable part of most villages’ military budgets for a reason, after all."  
  
Pain nods, but otherwise doesn't say anything. The slight draw of his lips reveals that he’s still not fully convinced, however.  
  
"Trust me, Pain," the masked man continues lowly as he pushes off the wall and moves to stand in front of the false leader. The flicker of a nearby torch catches on a single eye glinting behind the small opening in his mask; so dark that it seems to absorb more light than it reflects. "There's more to this than just giving the men an outlet for stress relief. It insures loyalty. Give them something to look forward to between missions and they'll be more likely to stick around. Take the edge off their frustration and they'll be more likely to follow orders. And who knows? If we're lucky her presence may even calm them enough that they'll stop trying to kill each other and start working better as a team."

Pain nods again, convinced. “Understood. We’ll start looking for a proper candidate immediately.”

“See that you do,” the masked man says evenly. He turns and walks leisurely towards the passageway that leads to the exit, pausing just inside the stone archway to turn and look back at his subordinates. “I’ll be dropping by the base soon to see your choice for myself. Don’t disappoint me.”

And with that he’s gone.

Pain sighs as he turns to look at his partner. Konan tilts her head in question, expression passive as ever as she waits for him to speak.

“Any ideas on where to start?” 

***

You’re eating through the last of your cereal when you come across the ad in the paper you “borrowed” from someone’s porch yesterday.

 **_ Wanted: _ ** _live-in maid and companion for a small group of hopeless, lonely bachelors. Duties will include cooking, cleaning, and keeping said bachelors company. Compensation will be offered in the form of free room and board as well as 3,000 ryo a week. Open interviews will be held on Friday, March 12 th at noon in conference room B of the Town Hall. Candidate will be hired on the spot._

You shove another spoonful of off-brand cornflakes into your mouth as you read through it again, eyes squinting. Surely you’re reading this wrong. “Companion”? “Keeping said bachelors company”? How on earth did this get past the editor? Surely they realize just what this ad is suggesting, right?

You crunch through the last bite slowly as you consider it. 3,000 ryo a week isn’t exactly making bank. In fact it’s less than what you made at the shitty retail job you just lost. However, it does promise free room and board on top of the pay so the money you would make would be free to save or spend as you see fit.

With a heavy sigh you set your spoon down and glance around your tiny one-room apartment. It’s decent enough, you suppose, for being the literal cheapest place in the entire town. Only a few of the old floorboards creak loud enough to wake the dead and that huge crack in the east wall really just adds some character to it. The water stains on the ceiling caused by the leaky roof aren’t too numerous and the air conditioning works at least 60% of the time so you really can’t complain there. Your neighbors are nice enough when they’re not drunk or fighting and your building hasn’t had a break-in in a record-breaking two whole months. Really, things aren’t _too_ bad here…

Okay, so that’s a huge lie, but would 3,000 ryo a week plus room and board really be worth the indignity of playing bang-maid to a bunch of man-babies?

Your eyes land on the small pile of open letters resting on the corner of your table. Bills, every single one. Bills you won’t be able to pay this month if you don’t find a new job soon. And your last one didn’t exactly afford you the luxury of opening a savings account.

You groan as you scrub your hands down your face and flop over to lie on your back. Your town is just big enough that you may be able to find something new fairly quickly, but it’s definitely not guaranteed. Unfortunately your landlord isn’t exactly known for being kind or understanding or forgiving. Aki’s face flashes across your mind’s eye, desperate and tear streaked. She’d been your neighbor before the drunk moved in. Lost her job and hadn’t been able to pay that month’s rent. Mr. Fujita had kicked her out a mere day into the new month, completely immune to her tears and begging. You’d offered to let her stay with you while she got back on her feet but that had lasted all of a week before your demon landlord found out and had her escorted off the property by some pay-to-hire ex-shinobi. He’d threatened to kick you out as well if you ever let any more ‘freeloaders’ stay in ‘his’ apartment. Thankfully the last you heard Aki managed to move back in with her parents in Konoha.

For a very brief moment you consider doing the same. The idea is crushed almost immediately under the weight of your pride. You did not bust your ass to get out of your parents’ house just to go crawling back after a single mishap. You love your parents but the thought of going back to living with their nosey, overbearing, controlling, know-better ways makes you physically shudder. You left for a good damn reason.

You groan as you straighten back up, eyes tiredly reading over the ad one more time. Today at noon, eh? You glance at the clock.

10:08 am. Just enough time to shower and get ready. You sigh as you stand up, scooping up your bowl to put in the sink as you do so.

Eh, what the hell? Life’s already fucking you over so what’re a few more dicks?

*

You arrive at the town meeting hall ten minutes before noon, squeaky clean and dressed in your best ‘interview’ outfit. It’s nothing fancy, just a knee-length pencil skirt and a blouse, and even though the shirt looks like something your grandma could have thrifted herself when she was your age you don’t think you look half bad.

You fight down the nervous energy in your gut as you make your way down the corridor with the meeting rooms. It’s easy to find the one you’re looking for because there are chairs lined up along the wall outside of it.

Occupied chairs.

You hadn’t expected to be the only one willing to apply, of course, but you’re surprised at the turn-out. Your town isn’t very big, after all, and so most people who live here are already employed. You sneak glances at your ‘competition’ as you settle into the next open chair, curious. You know a few of them. There’s Majime, of course, an older ‘woman of the night’ who hangs around the front of your building a few days a week. Koma and Koto, the twin servers who work at the seedy bar down the street from your shared apartment building, Himari from the corner grocery store, a couple of regular customers from your old job...

The rest you only recognize from seeing them around town, just enough to know their faces but not enough to know their names. You do a quick head-count.

Fifteen women including you.

At least the odds aren’t too bad…

Thankfully no more arrive after you. The seat to your right remains empty as the clock at the end of the hall strikes noon and the meeting room door finally opens. An entirely ordinary looking man steps out into the hall, dressed in plain black pants and a red long-sleeve shirt. If you had passed him on the street you wouldn’t have even given him a second glance. His short brown hair and dark eyes and perfectly average face would make him blend well into almost any crowd.

“Thank you for coming today, ladies,” he addresses you all with a customer-service smile that rivals even your best. Well damn he may look average but his voice sure is sexy; silk-smooth and pleasantly deep. “We promise to make the interview process as quick and painless as possible. We will call you in one at a time. After all of you have had a turn we will make our decision. We’ll start with you, miss,” he says, waving for the woman in the first chair to enter the room. She stands up with a sultry smile, hips swaying a just little too much to be unintentional as she struts inside. After a quick nod to the rest of you the man follows her in, shutting the door softly behind him.

You settle in to wait, pulling a small, worn paperback out of your purse that you had brought along to distract yourself.

The next hour and a half passes by relatively quickly, the only sounds in the hall the quiet murmuring of the other women and the man occasionally coming back out to grab another applicant. You ignore it for the most part, only vaguely paying attention your current place in line.

“Next, please.”

Movement out of the corner of your eye catches your attention and you glance up as the woman sitting next to you stands. You put your book away as the door shuts behind her, the nervous energy you’d been keeping at bay returning three-fold.

You’re up next.

Honestly, what is there to be worried about? It’s just cooking and cleaning, things you know you’re more than capable of doing.

…Well, that and most likely lots of sex.

Your face burns at the thought.

 _3,000 ryo plus room and board_ , you remind yourself sternly. _No more paying that asshole for the ‘privilege’ of staying in his shitty apartment. No starving or sleeping on the street. No going back to mom and dad’s bullshit. What’s a few rolls in the hay for all that?_

Besides, the guy interviewing you all seems nice enough. Not some gross, seedy bastard like you had imagined. Surely the other ‘bachelors’ can’t be all that bad…

“Next, please.”

You jolt, standing up almost too quickly as the woman ahead of you retakes her seat. You swallow down the lump in your throat as you stride towards the open door where the man in the red shirt waits with a professional smile. You swallow again as you hear the door shut softly behind you.

The room is what you’d expect; all bright florescent lights and beige walls with a long meeting table straight down the middle. A pretty black-haired woman sits on the left side of it closest to the door, eyes cast down as she glances over some papers scattered in front of her. She looks up as you make your way over to sit on the other side, another customer service smile greeting you as you settle in. You give her your best service smile right back.

“Thank you for coming,” she greets smoothly. “My name is Kuren. My partner here is Totsu,” she says as she gestures at the man in the red shirt. He just smiles and nods at you as he sits down in the chair next to her. “What is your name, please?”

You answer. She jots it down on a clean sheet of paper.

“Now, I assume you are here because you saw our ad in the paper…” she continues when she looks back up.

“Yes ma’am,” you answer, slightly confused. How else would you have known about it?

“What does the word ‘companion’ mean to you?” she asks, dark eyes narrowing slightly as she folds her hands under her chin. You resist the urge to snort.

"You mean in the general use of the word or in the sense I think you mean?" 

"In the sense you think we mean. Whatever that may be." 

“Well, um, I assume that you’re looking for someone who will do more than just talk to the guys,” you answer none-too-smoothly. “As in provide more…uh… _physical_ comfort.”

“How physical?”

Your face and neck suddenly feel like they’re on fire.

“A lot more than just hugs and kisses.” You can’t bring yourself to describe it in any more detail. It’s just too embarrassing. Why is she asking you this, anyway? Surely it had been fairly obvious in the job description just what you were signing up for.

…Unless it really wasn’t and you’ve just been reading _way_ too much _Icha Icha_.

“Please don’t tell me I misread your ad’s subtext,” you groan, burying your face in your hands.

Totsu smirks. “You didn’t.”

You deflate a little in relief. You’re not sure which should be more embarrassing. Actually signing up to be a live-in prostitute or mistaking their ad as an offer for such a position and therefore making an ass of yourself during this interview.

“You’d be surprised at how many did,” Kuren says lightly as she jots something down in her notes. “More than a few of them thought that they’d just be playing friends or therapists. The innocent little things…”

“You seem rather shy about the idea,” Totsu throws in, smirk growing just a bit wider as he props his elbow on the table and rests his cheek against his fist. “Do you not have any experience in that area?”

“I’m not a professional but I’m definitely not some blushing virgin,” you answer quickly, ears burning.

“But you _are_ blushing.”

If your face gets much hotter you’re sure you’ll pass out. “Like I said, not a professional but I do have some experience. Would it help convince you if I say ‘fuck’? Because I have no problem saying the word ‘fuck’.”

His lips twitch in amusement. “That does add a half-point in your favor, yes.”

“Now, Miss _______,” Kuren cuts in, drawing your attention back to her. “I’m going to be honest with you. A few of the bachelors have a rather…unusual appearance. Would that hinder you at all in being able to perform?”

You assume that ‘unusual’ is a nice code-word for ‘butt ugly.’

You shrug. “No. I mean, that’s what doggie-style and reverse cowgirl are for, right?” you half-joke with a smirk. You’re determined to show them that you’re capable of doing this now, damnit. If it means using your near-encyclopedic knowledge of the _Icha Icha_ series then so be it.

Totsu’s lips twitch again. “Some of them are also rather…rough around the edges. Prone to violent outbursts. It’s one of the reasons we’re seeking someone like you. We’re hoping your…presence…calms them down somewhat. Would you still be willing to go through with such an arrangement knowing this?”

You scowl, arms crossing. “I’m willing to play fuck buddy, not punching bag. I won’t go through with it if it means getting hurt or worse.”

“My apologies for not being clear,” he replies smoothly. “They are violent with each other. I can assure that they will not be violent with you. Our hope is that having another outlet for their stress will make them less so.”

“I…guess that makes sense…” you concede, arms losing some of their tenseness. “…How can you be so sure they won’t hurt me, though?”

“Because they know that I’ll get very angry if they do.”

His tone hints at a hidden violence within himself; one that the others obviously fear. It is both resolute and yet so chillingly nonchalant that it sends a shiver up your spine. You can’t help but believe him.

“…Okay. I guess it can’t be any worse than where I live now. Just how many of them are there, anyway?”

“Eight,” Kuren answers without missing a beat.

“Eight?!” You’d expected three, maybe four _max_! Not fucking _eight_!

“It is rare that they are all gathered at once,” Kuren explains as she continues jotting down notes. “Their work keeps them out of the compound for long stretches of time. We assure you that you will not be overwhelmed.”

“Are they…” you pause to swallow, “are they all…you know… _clean_?”

“Their last general physical confirmed that they are all STD free,” Kuren answers, pen finally stopping as she looks back up at you. “You will also be provided with both birth control and protection should you be chosen for the position.”

“Cool,” you reply for lack of anything better to say. You immediately internally cringe at your own awkwardness.

Luckily neither of them seems to care.

“Now, Miss _______, we have just a few more questions for you,” Kuren continues like you weren’t just super cringy, her pen at the ready. Totsu seems content to just watch you with dark, calculating eyes.

“Can you cook?”

“Yes. I’ve actually been cooking for myself for the past couple years now. I’ve gotten pretty good at it.”

“Are you willing and able to perform general house-cleaning duties on a regular basis?”

“Yes.”

“Are you willing and able to perform basic errands such as grocery shopping?”

“Absolutely.”

“Are you willing to undergo a physical to assess for possible transmittable diseases?”

“Yes.”

“How knowledgeable are you when it comes to shinobi?”

 _That_ one throws you for a loop. You furrow your brows and frown, clearly confused.

“Not very? I mean, I know the basics of what they _do_ but other than that I don’t know much about them. I was born to and raised by civilians.”

Kuren just nods as she adds something to her notes. Totsu’s dark eyes rake over your form as if assessing the truth of your words. You try not to fidget under his scrutiny.

“Well then, that’s it for our questions,” Kuren says as she sets her pen down and folds her hands under her chin again. “Do you have any more for us, Miss ________?”

You glance away for a moment as you think. “…How long would this position last, exactly?”

“About three years. Possibly a bit longer,” Totsu answers easily.

Well, that’s plenty of time for you to save up some money to start over somewhere else, you guess.

“Anything else you want to know?” he asks after a moment.

“No, I…I think that covers everything,” you answer quietly.

Totsu pushes his chair back to stand and you follow suit, glad that at least this part is over with. He leads you over to the door, pausing just before opening it.

“Well, Miss _______, it was a pleasure meeting you. Kuren and I will go over her notes and decide on a candidate. It shouldn’t take more than fifteen minutes. Please wait with the others until then,” he says lightly, that customer-service smile back full-force. It’s almost surreal, seeing it after everything you just talked about. But, then again, in the end this technically is just business.

You offer them both a parting bow, playing into the part he re-started. “Thank you for the interview. I appreciate the opportunity.”

And with that Totsu opens the door and you step out, mind still reeling over the strange meeting.

“She’s cute,” ‘Totsu’ says after he closes the door firmly behind you. “I think the team would be pleased with her.”

‘Kuren’ frowns. “She’s also naive. She obviously lacks the experience that some of the other women offer,” she responds flatly as she shuffles through her notes.

“She picked up on the subtext of our ad and yet came anyway. I also noticed her reading one of our old sensei’s perverted books. She’s not nearly as innocent as you think.”

Kuren pins him with a flat look. “You saw how flustered she got when she round-about mentioned sex. She may not be a virgin but I very much doubt she’s had more than a couple of partners. The men would eat her alive.”

“She’s got some spark, though,” Totsu says as he moves to lean back against the table beside her, arms crossed. “I have a feeling it would kindle under the right circumstances. You saw how her manner changed after I doubted her.”

“The last thing we need is someone who would get mouthy with them,” Kuren says stiffly, crossing through one of the names before moving on to the next page. “That would just make things worse.”

“But if we give them someone that’s too meek and compliant they’ll grow bored of her,” he reasons. “She’s got just enough sass to keep them interested. She seems to be at least fairly intelligent. I’m sure she’ll pick up on their quirks and boundaries pretty quickly.”

Kuren sighs, head bowing and eyes closed. “What about one of the twins instead? They obviously have more experience dealing with rough men.”

Totsu shakes his head. “Too serious. I think they’d do better with someone who at least has a sense of humor. Besides, they’re ex-chunin. We need a civilian, remember?” 

“That first woman we interviewed? Miss Ichika?”

“Too forward. Someone who would prefer to let the men come to her would be better. Plus Miss Ichika seems the type to play favorites and we can’t have that.”

“Miss Majime?”

“You and I both know she wouldn’t pass the physical.”

They go through the rest of the potential candidates. Totsu finds some fault with each one; too shy, too annoying, too rambunctious. They eventually end up back on your impromptu ‘file,’ the only one he had yet to find any deal-breaking faults with.

“She’s a good balance,” he explains as he glances at it over Kuren’s shoulder. “Just meek enough not to seriously step on any toes but with enough humor and sass to keep them on them. No one would get angry or bored with her.”

Kuren stares at her notes on you for a long moment before sighing in defeat. “Fine. But if it turns out you’re wrong YOU’RE cleaning up the mess.”

Totsu smirks, triumphant.

“Deal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've somehow been dragged back into Naruto hell. This idea would not leave me alone. It is self-indulgence in it's purest form but I just can't help myself. That being said, I will do my best to keep these loveable, crazy badasses in character despite the crack premise. I'm having a blast with this and I hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. Even though this is purely for fun, though, concrit is still very welcome! 
> 
> Anyway, thank you for joining me on this crazy train. Please keep your head and arms inside the carriage at all times. The exits are to your top left and bottom right. Buckle in, babes. 
> 
> Things are about to get wild.


	2. Thrown to the Wolves

This isn’t the first time you’ve had everything you own packed into a single bag.

You didn’t think you’d have to do it again so soon, though. You figured you’d have made it at least three years before you’d have to move again. Alas, fate had decreed that it was once again time to uproot yourself and tumble on to the next destination. At least this time you got the satisfaction of telling off your shitty asshole landlord before you left.

You sigh as you shift your backpack, trying to ease some of the weight on your shoulders. Yes, truly that moment alone makes all of this entirely worth it. The ugly, furious look on his beet-red face is a memory you will treasure forever. You’re honestly a little disappointed he didn’t keel over from a heart-attack. 

After finding a nice, flat rock under some shade you settle down to wait, easing the pack off your shoulders to rest beside you instead. It’s a bit strange that your new employers asked to meet you out here but you didn’t question it. Clearly wherever you’re going to be working isn’t within your old town.

The thought makes you blush.

You’d been actively avoiding thinking about just what your work entails all day. It had been easy enough when you had the distractions of going to the local medic for a physical, packing, and telling your former landlord to go fuck himself but now all you have are the chilly breeze and some trees. Your mind can’t help but wander.

You try to picture what some of the ‘bachelors’ will look like. It’s difficult, considering all you have to go on is that there are eight of them and that some of them have an ‘unusual’ appearance. You just hope that they all bathe regularly. And that none of them look like Mr. Fujita or your dad.

Your stomach curdles, body shuddering as your face twists in disgust at the horrible possibility.

There is no amount of money on earth that could get you to sleep with a man that looks like either of them.

The cracking of a branch draws your attention skywards towards the canopy of leaves. You frown when you don’t see anything. Maybe it was just a raccoon or something?

It was definitely not a raccoon.

You squeal in fear as two large figures suddenly drop down from the trees, body instinctively rolling off the rock you’re sitting on as you frantically scramble to hide behind it.

“Ah, apologies. We didn’t mean to frighten you.”

Wait, you recognize that voice.

“Mr. Totsu?” you ask suspiciously, eyes narrowing as you poke your head over the edge of your ‘hiding’ place to look. Sure enough it’s your new employers standing there, both still wearing the same outfits from yesterday. Well, you’d suspected that they were shinobi because of that odd question but that entrance definitely just confirmed it.

Totsu nods. “Yes. Thank you for being punctual. Do you have everything you need before we set off?”

“Yes sir,” you answer with a nod, standing up and walking back around the rock to grab your backpack.

“Kuren will carry your bag,” he says just as your fingers wrap around the strap. “I will carry you. It’ll be much faster than walking.”

“…Okay?”

You watch curiously as he reaches into his pocket, drawing out what looks like a bandana a moment later.

“Also, for security reasons, you will be required to be blindfolded for the trip,” he says seriously, dark eyes trained intently on you. “It is imperative that our location remain a secret.”

Your heartbeat spikes, pulse pounding in your ears.

You did not sign up for whatever serial killer bullshit they’re trying to pull.

Your eyes dart over to glance at the town you just came from. It’s just barely within sight, most of the distant buildings obscured by trees. Since they’re obviously shinobi you know there’s no way in hell you’ll be able to outrun them. If you scream as loud as you can maybe someone will hear you, though. But even if they did would they care enough to help? Would these two loons just cut you down if you tried?

“If our intention was merely to harm do you really think we’d go through all the trouble of setting up and hosting that interview?” Totsu says steadily. “If that’s all we wanted we’d have just kidnapped a traveler or prostitute.”

The truth of his words doesn’t make your heartbeat slow any. Swallowing around the thick lump of fear in your throat, you glance back over to pin them with a glare.

“…And what is it you want with me? Really?” you croak.

His gaze is flat and steady as he answers. “Exactly what we hired you for. The deal has not changed.”

“Then what’s with all this, this cloak and dagger stuff?” you spit, waving a hand at them incredulously. “Blindfolds and secret locations?”

“We can’t risk you becoming a liability,” he explains evenly. “Our organization operates outside the bounds of the great shinobi nations. From their perspective anyone who is not ‘with’ them is ‘against’ them and therefore should be destroyed.”

“That…that’s just a round-about way of calling yourselves criminals.”

He shrugs. “Our purpose and ideology span far beyond that but call us what you will. If you are no longer interested in the position then you are free to leave so long as you do it now.”

You narrow your eyes at them, disbelieving. “You’d really let me go? Just like that?”

“While you still know nothing, yes. As you are now you are no threat to us.”

Your eyes narrow further. “And if I still go through with this nonsense? What would I be then?”

His lips draw ever so slightly as his expression shifts to something a bit more serious. “A live-in maid and ‘companion.’ I assume one that will be smart enough not to bite the hand that feeds her. Especially when that hand knows how to wield chakra with deadly force.”

You stare at each other for a long, silent moment. You glance back towards your village. Do you really want to go back to working retail and living paycheck-to-paycheck in some shitty, run-down apartment? Would it really be worth the risk to go with them just to stay off the streets and away from your parents?

You hear Totsu sigh, deep and exasperated. “So long as you do what is asked of you and don’t cause any trouble I promise that you will make it out of this deal alive and entirely in one piece. You’ll also walk away with more money than I know you currently possess. Do you really want to go back to living in some tiny, run-down apartment in that worn-out town?”

No. No you do not.

Fuck it. You’ve already got one leg dangling over the edge of this ravine. You might as well just take the plunge.

“Fine. I’ll go with you,” you sigh, turning back to face them with a weary look. “Just…promise me that if I _do_ end up getting murdered and turned into a leather jacket or something you’ll at least make sure it’s a _nice_ one.”

His lips twitch.

“Promise.”

***

The trip to your new residency is mostly quiet.

Neither Totsu nor Kuren says anything more after you set off; the only sound the loud rushing of wind in your ears as they jump through the trees at a speed you could never hope to match even all-out sprinting on solid ground.

You cling tighter to Totsu’s shoulders as you hunker down to press your cheek between his shoulder blades, seeking relief from the biting chill whipping at your face. The cool breeze was far more tolerable when you weren’t being thrown into it at mach speeds. He adjusts his grip on your thighs slightly but doesn’t comment.

It’s…strange, holding on to someone like this. It’s the most physically intimate you’ve been with another person in a long time.

 _Best get used to it now_ , you think, more than a little sarcastically. _This is nothing compared to what you’ll be doing when you actually get there._

Your face burns at the thought. Well, at least it’s not cold anymore.

You’re not sure how long the trip lasts. It’s not like you can look at your watch when you’re too busy holding on to someone for dear life. Or when you’re, you know, _blindfolded_.

If you had to guess, though, you’d say it’s a little more than an hour. All too soon you feel your stomach lurch as Totsu suddenly drops down from the trees, both your bodies jolting slightly as he makes impact with solid ground. He moves to set you down and you slide off his back, your legs a little shaky from clinging so tightly to his sides for so long.

“You may remove the blindfold, now,” he says.

You do, tugging it off over your head rather than bothering with untying it. You’re not all that surprised when the people that greet you are not the same ones that you left with.

Instead of plain, dark-haired Totsu a handsome man with spiky orange hair and a multitude of ear and facial piercings stands before you. But all of those features pale in comparison to his eyes. You’ve never seen anything like them before; not even in the occasional shinobi that passed through your town on missions. The entirety of both his eyes are a startling purple; ringed all the way from his pupils through his sclera like the ripples from a stone cast into a pond. They’re…more than a little unsettling.

Ms. ‘Kuren’s’ new appearance isn’t quite as strange but no less different. Her periwinkle-blue hair and bright, honey-gold eyes certainly stand out a lot more than the black hair and dark eyes from earlier.

“I guess it’s safe to assume that your names aren’t really ‘Totsu’ and ‘Kuren’, then?” you ask, looking them over warily. 

‘Totsu’ nods. “I am Pain. However, while you are under my employment you will call me ‘Leader.’” Okay, that's a little weird and more than a little cult-like but there are certainly worse things he could make you call him. 

“Leader it is, then. And what would you like me to call you, miss?” you ask, glancing over at ‘Kuren.’

“Konan,” she answers simply as she shrugs off your backpack and hands it over to you. You take it from her with a nod, slipping your arms through the straps as your new employers turn and start heading towards…

Absolutely nothing?

You frown. All you can see are more trees. Where’s the compound?

You watch as Pain’s hands flash through a series of hand signs faster than your eyes can keep up with. When he’s finished he presses his palms out flat, like there’s some invisible barrier you can’t see. He mumbles something under his breath and suddenly it’s like the invisible barrier melts away, revealing high concrete walls and tall wooden gates.

Huh.

Neat. 

The place is bigger than you expected; the concrete walls surrounding a modern clan-style compound. Instead of multiple small buildings, though, a large, single-story manor takes up most of the land behind it. It’s not the prettiest building you’ve ever seen, being made up mostly of the same dark gray concrete as the walls, but it serves its purpose. 

The gates shut on their own behind you as Pain and Konan lead you inside. The interior is mostly modern styled with white, plaster walls and dark wood floors. As you pass through what you guess constitutes as the living room you notice there is little in the way of decoration. Only the bare essential furniture takes up the space; not a single rug or potted plant or wall-hanging to be seen. You do spot a large, full bookcase tucked away in the corner, though, which makes you feel marginally better.

Your small group comes to a stop in the large kitchen and dining room, where the eight ‘bachelors’ sit waiting at a long dining table.

Apparently ‘unusual appearance’ wasn’t actually a codeword for ‘ugly.’

It was code for ‘terrifying freaks of nature.’

Okay, so most of them actually look like relatively normal people but the few that don’t are _really_ fucking weird. Even in the privacy of your own mind you hate to sound so rude but you just can’t help it. You never in a million years would have pictured working for a black-and-white man with a huge Venus flytrap around his head or a dude who looks like a goddamn shark. Even one of the more ‘normal’ men has the most terrifying eyes you’ve ever seen; pupil-less and glowing a bright, venomous green that are only made scarier by his contrasting blood-red sclera. 

Well, at least none of them look like your dad or Mr. Fujita. Small mercies. 

You gulp when everyone at the table looks up, instinctively shrinking back behind Pain and Konan in a vain attempt to hide from all of the strange, terrifying gazes that settle on you.

“I’m sure you’re wondering why I wanted to meet you all in person,” Pain starts, gazing down the table at his team. “I gathered you here today so that you could meet our newest addition.”

He takes a step to the side, fully exposing you to the men’s scrutiny. You just barely rein in the urge to flinch.

“This is _________,” Pain introduces, gesturing you forward. You reluctantly step up to stand beside him; offering a short, shy wave to the strange group in greeting, unable to meet any of their eyes. “She has been brought here to serve as both maid and companion to the members of our organization.”

“‘Companion’?” the long-haired blond repeats with a snort. “Didn’t realize we needed friends, hm. Unless you mean…” he trails off, visible eyebrow raising suggestively.

“Yes, Deidara,” Pain replies evenly. “Sexual services were an agreed-upon part of her position.”

“YOU GOT US OUR OWN PERSONAL _WHORE_?!” the one with slicked-back gray hair shouts with a wide, manic grin as he slams his palms down on the table and jumps up out of his seat.

You twitch, irritation quickly overwhelming your initial fear and shy embarrassment. You had been deliberately avoiding that word for the past day and a half. You hate the implications of it, hate the dirty way it makes you feel.

“Well, I guess that’s one asshole way of looking at it,” you snap before common sense can rein in your tongue. “I personally prefer the term ‘maid with benefits’ or ‘sexual support bitch’ or, you know, _my actual goddamn name_.”

Dead silence follows your outburst; every single pair of eyes in the room now focused entirely on you.

Your face burns as you physically shrink under the scrutiny, hunching in on yourself as your muscles tense in preparation for the killing blow you’re sure is about to come.

You and your stupid goddamn mouth.

You nearly jump out of your skin when the blue shark-man suddenly bursts into raucous laughter; broad shoulders shaking with the force of it.

“Ahh, she’s got some bite to her!” he says after he settles down, a large, disturbingly sharp-toothed grin on his face. “I like it!”

“I call first dibs, yeah!” the blond shouts, waving an arm above his head like an over-eager teacher’s pet.

“Why should you get to fuck her first, blondie?!” the asshole spits, whirling around to face him with clenched fists.

“Why should you get to at all, hm?! You’ll probably just sacrifice her to your weird ‘god’ instead!”

“Well your dumb ass will probably just accidentally blow her up with your stupid ‘art’!”

Oh dear sweet god above just what the fresh fuck have you gotten yourself into?

“Quiet, both of you,” Pain says lowly, strange ringed eyes narrowing in warning. Both men immediately stop, the one with slick-backed hair grumbling under his breath as he sinks back down into his chair. “Konan, please show our newest member to her room so that she may get settled in.”

Konan just nods, waving for you to follow her as she makes her way past the men gathered in the dining room and out into an adjoining hall. You speed-walk after her, gaze trained on her back as your grip tightens around your backpack’s straps. Even though you’re not looking directly at them you’re uncomfortably aware of the many eyes watching you leave.

Once you’re out of sight Pain crosses his arms and turns back to address his team.

“I promised that so long as she does her job and causes no significant trouble she will remain alive and unharmed,” he says seriously once all eyes are back on him. “Do not make a liar of me.”

Kakuzu snorts, arms crossing. “I still think she’s a waste of money.”

“Wait ‘s _till_ ’?” Hidan spits incredulously, turning to glare daggers at his partner. “You knew she was coming?!”

“Of course I knew she was coming, idiot,” Kakuzu growls, eerie eyes narrowing. “Who do you think budgeted her salary?”

“And you didn’t bother to tell me?! Your own fucking partner?!”

“Because I’m sure if you’d known ahead of time you’d have acted even more insufferable than usual. You barely shut up as it is.”

“I’m just glad we finally have someone lower on the totem pole than me!” Tobi pipes up with a giggle. “Do you think she’ll call me ‘Mister’ Tobi if I ask her reeeally nicely?”

Deidara snickers, grinning. “Why stop at ‘mister’? We should have her call us all ‘master.’ That would be so hot, un.”

“Maybe we could even get her a cute little maid outfit to wear around the base! Something with lots of bows and frills~” Tobi coos, wriggle-dancing in his seat.

The scraping of chair legs on wood cuts in as Sasori loudly pushes his chair back to stand. “Permission to leave this nonsense and get back to something that’s actually productive, Leader,” he asks flatly.

“Granted,” Pain replies with barely a glance at him.

“I also request permission to leave, please,” Itachi asks as he, too, stands.

“Granted.”

“So, what? You two think you’re better than us for not being down to fuck the new bitch?” Hidan taunts as the two make to leave. “Well, whatever! More pussy for the rest of us, you frigid losers!” he calls after their backs as they disappear down the hall, completely ignoring him.

“A few ground rules,” Pain cuts in, drawing attention back to himself. “Don’t be too rough with her. Don’t force her into anything she’s clearly not comfortable with. No explosions in her vicinity,” he says, cutting his eyes at Deidara. “No sacrificing her to Jashin,” he adds, narrowing them at Hidan. “No killing her to save money. No selling her to make it.” Kakuzu. “And no killing and eating her,” he finishes with a firm look at the here-to silent Zetsu, who just gives him a sharp grin in return. “If one of you kills her anyway, whether on purpose or accidentally, the killer will be severely punished and she will _not_ be replaced.”

Deidara and Hidan shift in their seats and shoot wary glares at each other. Neither of them wants to lose such an easy lay and the other is libel to ruin this. 

“Remember that she is only a civilian,” Pain continues before anyone can say anything. “She is here to generally make your lives a bit more comfortable. She is on the payroll and so is technically considered an official member of our team. I expect you all to at least _try_ and treat her with some basic level of respect. Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes, Leader,” everyone choruses boredly, except Kakuzu who just grunts and Hidan who snorts.

“Good. Give her at least until 10 tonight to get settled in before you request her services. You’re all free to go.” And with that Pain turns and heads back down the hall, leaving the rest of the men to their own devices.

A beat of silence passes, then -

“…I still call dibs, hm.”

“AT LEAST ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS ME FOR IT, YOU PRICK!”

***

The room Konan leads you too is surprisingly nice. A little sparse, maybe, but nice. It has the same white walls and dark wood floors as the rest of the base and all the furniture you’d expect to find in a proper bedroom. A freshly-made queen-size bed sits against the middle of the back wall with a small nightstand to the right of it and a waste-basket to the left. A hardwood desk and chair set rests in the corner to the immediate left of the door and a large dresser takes up the right. A sliding door that you’re sure leads to a closet takes up some of the left wall. It’s a little bit smaller than your old apartment, obviously, but there are no cracks in the drywall or water stains on the ceiling and the floorboards don’t look like they’ve had furniture dragged across them every day for the past one hundred years. 

With some cozying-up and a little personalization you can see yourself being pretty happy here.

“The closet at the end of this hall contains the linens and most of the cleaning supplies,” Konan says coolly as you set your backpack down at the foot of the bed. “The bathroom is located in the next hall over. As for cooking, breakfast is generally at 8, lunch around one, and dinner at 6. Everything else you need is in your nightstand,” she explains, face impassive. “Do you have any questions?”

“Will I be cleaning the men’s rooms, as well?” you ask, curious gaze finally settling on her.

“If they ask you to. I recommend staying out of their rooms unless they have given you express permission to do otherwise.”

“Noted.”

“Anything else?”

“No, I…I think that covers everything,” you reply quietly. “Thank you.”

She nods before turning to leave. You watch as she pauses in the doorway, a deceptively delicate hand reaching out to grip the frame as if subconsciously stopping herself from leaving just yet.

“A word of advice,” she says lowly, glancing back at you over her shoulder. “Some of the members may find amusement in your sharp tongue but others will quickly tire of it. Kakuzu and Sasori are the two I’d recommend you stay most wary of, though the two that started arguing can also be quick to temper as you’ve already witnessed.”

A cold shiver runs down your spine at the warning, settling like ice in the pit of your stomach.

You swallow around a suddenly very dry throat. “Also noted. Thank you for telling me.”

With another nod she’s gone, leaving you alone to settle into your new “home.”

You decide to distract yourself by moving to dig around in the nightstand. Might as well see what-all they gave you to work with.

Sure enough, everything you need to fulfill the more…intimate…aspect of your job is there. Several boxes of both condoms and birth-control pills rest in the top drawer. A few bottles of water-based lube are in the cabinet under it alongside a couple large packets of baby wipes. You flush, face burning from your neck to the tips of your ears as you’re reminded of just what this position entails.

You quickly close the cabinet door, deciding it best to move on to unpacking your things.

It doesn’t take long. You don’t have much to your name; mostly just a few changes of clothes, some worn-out books, and your personal hygiene products. Aside from said books now lined up on the desk and an alarm clock on the nightstand the room looks no different when you’re finished. You throw your backpack in the closet with your bathroom stuff still in it.

Honestly, you’re a bit surprised that none of the men have dropped by yet. Especially since the two that started arguing seemed particularly eager to…er…get to know you. Mostly you’re grateful for the chance to get your bearings first but a tiny part of you wishes that you could just rip off the band-aid already. You’re hoping that your first…encounter…will be enough to quell your growing apprehension.

You glance at your alarm clock. There’re still a couple of hours left before you have to start on dinner. What to do with them?

Part of you really wants to just stay here and hide in your room. It’d just be easiest. Here there are no loud, potentially violent men or strange, terrifying eyes. But another part knows that would be childish and that you’re eventually going to have to deal with them anyway. You bite your lip as you mentally go back and forth, trying to decide.

You eventually settle on grabbing a book and crawling onto your bed to read. Might as well enjoy these last couple hours of peace while you can. You’ll deal with your new…roommates…at dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pain: *yeets you straight into the lions' den with an apple stuffed in your mouth* Don't tear her apart TOO quickly now, guys! :D


	3. Cookies, Cards, and Conversation

The hallway is blessedly empty as you make your way down to the kitchen.

It’s definitely not quiet, though. You can hear people in the living room bickering over something. You can’t quite make out the details but you swear you hear the word ‘art’ shouted more than once.

You ignore it as you start to dig through the cabinets, pantry, and fridge; quickly taking stock of your new inventory. Should you stick with something simple tonight or try and impress them with something a bit fancier?

You settle on something somewhere in the middle – chicken teriyaki with stir-fried vegetables and rice. You wash your hands and throw a few generous cups of rice and some water into the big rice cooker before getting to work on the rest of it.

Unfortunately, all your banging around in the kitchen draws an audience.

“What’s all this, hm?” the long-haired blond from earlier (Deidara, if you remember right) asks as he tromps in from the living room, the man in the bright orange mask following right behind him.

“Dinner,” you answer simply as you turn on the burners to heat the oil in the two biggest skillets you could find.

“You’re going to cook for us, too?!” he shouts, wide-eyed and clearly surprised.

“…Yes?” you reply slowly, turning to quirk a brow at him. “Is that really so surprising?”

“I thought maids just stuck to cleaning, yeah.” He gives you a through once-over and smirks, blue eye lidded. “Or at least that’s what they _usually_ stick to.” 

You turn back to the stove so that he can’t see you roll your eyes, dumping the sliced chicken into the now-hot oil before leaning over to grab the bowl of seasoned chopped veggies to toss into the other pan. “I guess ‘maid’ is just easier to say than ‘housekeeper.’”

“Well, considering what _else_ you’re here for maybe the _real_ proper term for you would be ‘house _wife_ ,’ hm,” he hums lowly as he strolls over to lean back against the counter beside you, smirk still firmly on his pretty face as he crosses his arms and settles in to watch.

You flush, lips thinning slightly in annoyance.

“I’d _really_ just prefer my name, please,” you answer with forced politeness. You’d sooner impale yourself on the spatula you’re holding than put up with them calling you ‘wifey’ or something equally stupid and nauseating.

“I’ll call you whatever you want, ________!” the man in the orange mask pipes up as he slides over to stand on your other side, wriggling in place like an excited four year old. “After all, Tobi is a good boy~!”

You twitch, brows furrowing as you turn your head to look at him. “Thank you, er, Tobi, is it? But I have to ask. Is that, like, a kink thing for you?” Please god don’t let this weirdo have a mommy-kink. A praise-kink you can handle but the other is a big fat no-go.

“Huh?” he asks, tilting his head further than he really needs too. “Why, whatever do you mean?”

Deidara snorts. “No, he’s just a hyperactive, brain-damaged weirdo,” the blond answers for him. “I’d say you’ll get used to it but then I’d be lying.”

“Why, that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said about me, Deidara!” Tobi giggles, bringing a hand up to where his mouth would be behind the mask. “Usually everything you say to me is filled with explosions and naughty curse words. Are you showing restraint because there’s a lady in the house, now? I never would have pegged someone like you to be the chivalrous type~.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?!” Deidara snarls, glaring daggers at the masked man over your head.

“Guys, please don’t fight,” you sigh as you flip everything over in both pans. “But if you’re going to do it anyway at least do it away from me, please. I’m just trying to cook, here.”

“Hey, what the hell smells so goo-HOLY SHIT SHE COOKS FOR US, TOO?!” the asshole from earlier suddenly shouts from the doorway. You twitch in annoyance. Did Leader not tell these guys anything about what you’d be doing before you got here?

“Why are you all so surprised that I’m cooking?” you ask, brow furrowing. “Did you guys not take turns making dinner?”

“Naw, we’re used to fending for ourselves around here,” the asshole (you should really learn his name lest you accidentally call him that aloud) answers as he saunters over to peek at what you’re making over your shoulder. “Most of us usually go for something easy like cup ramen or microwave-able shit.”

Well now that’s just sad. While you almost always went with something cheap and easy like cereal for breakfast and a sandwich for lunch you usually managed to fix yourself something nice for dinner. It was one of the few things you had to look forward to after work. Still, if that’s the case then it begs the question as to why there are so many fresh groceries in the kitchen for you to use.

“But there’s plenty of fresh foods here to work with,” you point out as you reach over to grab the teriyaki sauce you mixed up earlier. “Who was using them before?”

“Those weren’t here before, un,” Deidara answers as he watches you work, earlier irritation at Tobi clearly forgotten. “Konan or Kakuzu must have brought them in just before they brought you.”

“I see,” you reply with a thoughtful tilt of your head. “Well, anyway it’s almost done. If you all could grab some plates and bowls for me I’d really appreciate it.”

“I’LL GET IT, _________!” Tobi volunteers loudly, frantically waving an arm above his head.

“TRY NOT TO BREAK ANYTHING YOU IDIOT!” Deidara shouts after him as he bounds over to one of the cabinets and throws it open with a little more force than necessary.

“Hey, these look new, too!” Tobi says excitedly as he pulls down a tall stack of black bento trays. Well that will certainly make washing dishes a bit easier for you. You were dreading having to wash a ton of small bowls and plates by hand.

“Man, Leader really went all-out on this maid shit,” the asshole says as Tobi sets the trays down on the counter next to you. “Cooking, cleaning, AND fucking? I could definitely get used to this.”

Your face burns at his words. You’d almost managed to forget about that last part. “Tobi, would you be a sweetheart and go tell the others that it’s ready, please?” you ask as you turn off the burners, tone sugar-sweet. You’re not trying to steer the conversation away from THAT particular topic. Not at all.

Tobi perks up immediately. “Of course! Tobi doesn’t mind helping you at all, ________. Especially when you ask so _nicely~_.” And with that he’s off, sprinting out of the kitchen and down the hallway at a speed that would have had your mother beating his ass near-bloody if this were your old house.

“Man that guy is such an annoying little freak,” the asshole mumbles to himself as he watches Tobi disappear.

“Hey, you know I never got your name,” you point out as you start scooping rice into all the trays. Best get it now before you slip up and piss him off.

“What? Oh, right. Name’s Hidan, babe,” he purrs with a lazy smirk, dark magenta eyes raking over your body. “Suppose you should know so that you can scream it for me later.”

“Right,” you say evenly, turning to start putting in the meat and veggies so that he can’t see you roll your eyes. It’s like they’re all determined to remind you of the less savory part of your weird little business deal.

“Only after I get her screaming mine, remember?” Deidara chimes in, narrowing his eye at Hidan.

“I still think you cheated, asshole,” Hidan growls.

“How the hell do you cheat at rock, paper, scissors, hm? You’re just a sore loser.”

You twitch. At this point you’re afraid it’s going to turn into a permanent tic. “Hey, if you two want you can go sit at the table,” you interrupt before their petty little cat-fight can devolve any further. “I’m about to start putting everything out.” 

Luckily they just do as you suggest without arguing further. You breathe a sigh of relief as your personal space becomes yours again. Hopefully you’ll get used to this soon.

You dig around in the drawers until you find the reusable chopsticks; laying a pair out on each bento tray before taking them two-by-two over to the nearby dining table. Other members are starting to trickle in now, slowly but surely filling the empty chairs.

“Man, I can’t remember the last time we had a home-cooked meal here at the base,” the shark-man comments as you set a tray in front of him. “Looks good, sweetheart.”

“Thank you,” you answer with a genuine smile. He sounds so sincere that you can’t even find it in yourself to get upset over the too-quick pet-name. You’re still smiling as you set the other tray in front of the person seated next to him; a handsome, dark-eyed man with a long black ponytail who murmurs a quiet thank you.

Tobi is settling into an empty chair near the end of the table and next to Deidara just as you’re bringing the last two trays out. He claps his hands excitedly as you set one down in front of him, practically bouncing up and down in his seat. You’re not sure whether you find his childlike enthusiasm strangely endearing or just unsettling.

“Yummy, yummy!” he chirps as he grabs his chopsticks. “Thank you for putting such good food in my tummy!”

Unsettling it is, then.

“Ah, you’re very welcome, Tobi,” you reply with a smile you hope doesn’t look as forced as it feels. You quickly scurry back into the kitchen to grab a pitcher of ice water and some glasses before anyone can say anything.

When you come back out the masked man with the terrifying red-and-green eyes is just coming in from the hall. You glance at him out of the corner of your eye as you start filling up glasses and passing them out; watching in mild surprise as he merely swipes a tray off the table and turns to leave.

“Too good to eat with us, old man?” Hidan taunts as he digs into his rice.

The man ‘tsks’ under his breath, pausing just long enough to turn around and pin the loudmouth with a bone-chilling glare. Or at least it’s chilling for you. Hidan seems entirely unaffected by it as he casually shovels food into his mouth. 

“I have better things to do than put up with your kiddie-table nonsense,” the man says in a deep, rumbling baritone. You suppress a shudder. Why does someone so scary have to sound so _hot_?

Luckily he’s gone before you can contemplate it further. Fear and arousal make for a very confusing mix.

Once everyone’s been served you settle down into the empty seat across from Tobi and next to the shark-man. You frown when you take stock of your current company.

There’s only six of you.

Hidan, Deidara, and Tobi sit across from you while the shark-man and the dark-haired man sit next to you. Every other seat is empty, the food you sat in front of them untouched save for the tray the scary man grabbed.

“Where is everyone?” you question with a frown.

“Leader and Konan left a couple of hours ago,” the black-haired man explains evenly as he sets his water glass down. “It’s very rare that they come here, much less stay. As for the others, they don’t eat with us.”

Deidara snorts. “My man Sasori doesn’t eat at _all_ , yeah. He doesn’t need to. And Zetsu…doesn’t exactly eat normal food.”

Your brow furrows as you swallow down a bite of vegetables. “Wait, why wouldn’t he need to eat? Wouldn’t he, like, you know, _die_?”

“He’s a puppet, un,” Deidara says with a shrug, casually mixing some rice with the extra teriyaki sauce as if he didn’t just say something completely absurd.

“A puppet,” you deadpan, expression falling flat. “As in made of wood and strings.”

“Exactly, un. Though he obviously doesn’t have the strings.”

“…You’re pulling my leg right now, aren’t you.” It’s more of a statement than a question.

The shark-man next to you chuckles. “He’s not joking, sweetheart. As strange as it sounds it’s entirely true.”

Okay, weird eyes you can handle. You can accept a man with blue skin and shark-teeth. Hell, you can even sort-of understand the plant guy since plants are at least _alive._ But a puppet? An actual inanimate, god-forsaken, made-of-splinters-and-nightmares _puppet_? That’s where you draw the line.

“…How?” You have to ask. You have to. It makes no fucking sense.

“Weeell I don’t understand the fine details but the basics are pretty simple,” the shark-man says after swallowing the bite in his mouth. “Basically the puppet body contains his heart, brain, and chakra. That’s how he controls it.”

Well that’s not basic _at all_.

“But what about his _blood_?” you ask, now completely focused on the topic rather than your food. “What about his lungs and liver and everything else he needs to, you know, _be alive_?”

The shark-man just shrugs. “He just…doesn’t have them, I guess.”

 _“How?”_ You know you’re probably getting annoying but you just can’t help it. You don’t understand.

“It’s possible thanks to some highly advanced body transformation jutsus,” the black-haired man answers as he picks delicately at his food.

“Jutsus? So all ninja are capable of doing it?” you ask, leaning around the shark-man to better see him.

“No,” he replies evenly. “Sasori’s transformation requires a very specialized knowledge as well as a level of skill and power that most shinobi will never reach.”

“…Oh.” Well, at least that sort-of answers your questions. You know that ninja are capable of a lot of things that normal civilians aren’t, but you never in your life would have thought them capable of such extreme body modifications. It’s…both fascinating and terrifying.

“Wait, which one is Sasori?” you ask, realizing that you still don’t know most of their names yet. Maybe the plant guy is actually the puppet. That would certainly explain his strange appearance.

“The short one with red hair, un,” Deidara answers.

“And the man who didn’t want to eat with us?”

“That’s Kakuzu, hm.”

“So if Sasori is the redhead and Kakuzu is the one that just left then that means Zetsu is…” you trail off, trying to find a delicate term for it and failing. “…the other one.”

“The one that looks like a weed fucked a checkerboard?” Hidan offers crudely around a mouthful of chicken. “Yeah, that’s him.”

You rein in an amused snort. It would be bad form to laugh. “…Right. So what’s your name, then?” you ask, turning to the shark-man next to you. “Sorry I forgot to ask earlier.”

He grins, once again revealing those sharp, sharp teeth. “Don’t worry about it. Name’s Kisame Hoshigaki.”

You nod and smile. “Nice to officially meet you, Kisame.” You lean around him to look at the black-haired man. “And your name is…?”

“Itachi Uchiha,” he answers evenly without looking up at you.

The name prickles at something in the back of your mind; like tugging on a half-forgotten rumor. You shrug it off. Surely if it were something important you’d remember it more easily.

“Nice to meet you, Itachi.”

The rest of dinner is surprisingly normal.

Kisame asks about your hometown and you tell them that you were born and raised in a small village in the Land of Fire, far outside the walls of Konoha. Honestly, there’s not much to say about it. It was a boring place made up almost entirely of civilians and you tell them you left because it was so dull. No need to get personal with stories of your parents. You traveled around for a couple weeks until you ran out of what little money you had saved and were forced to take a job in a town that wasn’t much bigger than the one you had left. That’s where Leader and Konan had found you.

They, in turn, regale you with a few stories of their own (much more interesting) home villages. Well, all except Tobi and Itachi, that is. Tobi just sticks to shoving food under his mask; raised just enough to allow him to eat without exposing any of his face. Itachi mentions that he’s from Konoha but otherwise remains quiet throughout the rest of the meal.

Hidan, Deidara, Tobi and Kisame are also more than happy to eat the extra portions you had accidentally put out. Besides some extra rice there aren’t even any leftovers to put up. The entire situation is so surprisingly mundane that you completely forget that you’re technically in the presence of criminals.

…And that you’re here to serve as more than just a new friend for them to chat with over dinner.

You shove _that_ little thought to the back of your mind as you gather up the empty trays, determined to keep the illusion of normalcy going a bit longer. As you’re setting them next to the sink to start cleaning you remember that you’re missing one.

“Hey Tobi,” you start, poking your head into the living room. He’s sitting on the floor on an old towel, busily painting his toenails with black polish.

He looks up and tilts his head at you. “Yes __________~?”

“Can you tell me which room is Kakuzu’s, please? I need to get his tray so I can wash it.” 

“First one on the right,” he answers cheerily as he goes back to painting his nails. “But be careful. He can be a real grumpy-pants for no reason.”

“Right,” you reply evenly despite the small spike of icy dread that pinches your stomach. “Thanks.”

“No problem~.”

You make your way to the hall with all the bedrooms and tentatively knock on the first door on the right. You hear an irritated growl; so low and deep and _scary_ that it sends a shiver of fear down your spine. God, all you did was knock on his door.

“What is it? I’m busy,” that deep voice rumbles from the other side.

“It’s _________,” you introduce, voice coming out a little more squeaky than you’d like. “I, uh, came to get your tray so I can wash it, please.”

He mumbles something you can’t make out and then you hear the scraping of a chair being pushed back. Heavy footsteps herald his coming and soon the door in front of you is yanked wide open, those terrifying eyes boring down on you. He’s still wearing his mask and cowl but the cloak he had on earlier is gone; leaving him in just a sleeveless shirt and pants. You can’t help but notice all the stitches. They’re thick, cord-like. Not at all like normal medical thread. They wrap like bracelets around his arms and stretch across his shoulders and sides. You can’t help but trace them with your eyes.

Clearly even besides his creepy eyes he’s not as relatively ‘normal’ as you’d first thought.

“Here,” he says gruffly, shoving the tray out towards you. You quickly snap out of your stupor and reach out to take it.

“Uh, thank you,” you sputter as you grab it, hoping politeness will soothe any irritation caused by your previous staring.

He just grunts and slams the door in your face.

Okay, rude, but at least you’re not dead. And he seems to have liked your food well enough since the tray is completely empty. You shake your head as you turn and head back towards the kitchen.

Clean-up is a quick, unceremonious affair since the men leave you to do it in peace. You find that you’re still strangely antsy when you’re finished. You glance at the pantry, an idea forming.

What’s dinner without dessert?

Surprisingly, there’s not as much to work with on the dessert-front as you’d hoped. There are no chocolate chips or sprinkles or cakes mixes. Clearly whoever did the shopping does not have much of a sweet-tooth. After much digging, though, you do finally manage to find a half-empty bag of sugar in the back. You pull it out along with the flour and baking soda and set it all on the counter next to the stove as you go to get the butter, milk, and eggs out of the fridge.

It’s nothing fancy but at least you have everything you need to make sugar cookies. You start the stove to heat and grease a baking tray before moving on to mixing everything together.

Sure enough you once again manage to draw an audience.

“You’re cooking again, _________?!” Tobi exclaims from the living-room doorway before bounding over to stand beside you, wiggling in place as he watches. You look up from scooping dough-balls onto the baking sheet to smile at him.

“Just some sugar cookies. Figured I’d try to bribe my way into everyone’s good graces with something sweet,” you joke lightly.

“But you’re _already_ in everyone’s good graces!” he says with a tilt of his head. “Well, most everyone,” he adds, looking up as he taps at his chin. “I don’t think Sasori or Kakuzu have any to get into. But anyway, you’re already plenty sweet enough for the rest of us, ________~.” 

Your heart pounds in your chest, face heating.

“Thank you, Tobi,” you murmur as you turn back to finish rolling the cookie dough. You can’t tell if he’s genuinely being nice or if this is his weird way of coming on to you but you suppose it doesn’t really matter. Either way it was a sweet thing to say and it does quell some of your nervousness.

…Even if you’re most likely only in their good graces because they know you’re contractually obligated to sleep with them.

Your face flushes hotter.

_Cookies, girl. Focus on the cookies._

“Back in the kitchen already, eh, new girl?” another voice purrs from the doorway. You roll your eyes and glance over to see Hidan leaning against the doorframe with a shit-eating smirk on his face. “It’s a good look for you. Though I think you’d look a lot better if you were in a frilly apron and nothing else.”

Well, you’re definitely going to need the lube with this one. It’s a shame because he really is very handsome. If only he weren’t such a fuckboy…

“If you’re trying to get me wet it’s not working,” you say flatly as you pull an oven mitt over your hand and slide the full cookie tray into the oven. “Believe it or not casual misogyny doesn’t turn most women on.”

“Casual what now?” Hidan asks, genuinely confused. You sigh; just barely resisting the urge to thunk your forehead against the counter. Figures he’s kinda dumb, too. At least you’ll have a pretty face to look at while you’re lying back and thinking of Konoha.

“Sexism against women,” you explain as you pull off the mitt and set the timer.

“How was that sexist? Most guys would agree that watching a half-naked woman cook for them is super fucking hot and all women want to be hot.”

His oblivious conviction is astounding. You're not even sure how or where to begin explaining why his views are bullshit. You doubt your efforts would get through that obviously thick skull of his anyway. 

Yep. Lube is definitely going to become a new staple on the shopping list.

“Can I lick the spoon?!” Tobi blessedly interrupts.

“The dough’s got raw egg in it, Tobi,” you warn as you gather up the mixing bowl. “You could get food poisoning. Are you okay with that risk?”

Tobi gives a dismissive wave of his hand. “I’ve done a _lot_ more dangerous things than eat some raw cookie dough! I’ll be fiiiine!”

You shrug as you hand it over to him. “Suit yourself.” You watch in mild amusement as he hooks his thumb under his mask and pulls it out just enough to fit the spoon under it; borderline obnoxious slurping following soon after it disappears.

“Ugh, do you really have to make such nasty noises while you eat that?” Hidan complains, nose scrunching in disgust.

“You’re one to talk, Hidan,” Tobi teases as he pulls the now-spotless spoon back out from under his mask and tosses it in the sink. “Tobi’s heard the noises you make in your room when you think no-one else is in the base~.”

“YOU FUCKING WHAT?!”

“Hey!” you interrupt, stepping between the two men with your hands raised and your palms facing out. The look on Hidan’s face is downright _murderous_ and you _really_ don’t want to get caught up in some bloody death-match on your first damn day. “We’ve got 25 minutes until the cookies are done! What do you want to do until then?”

Hidan’s murder-dial immediately drops down several notches, red face returning to its usual pale as he looks you over and smirks. “Oh, I can definitely think of something I’d like to ‘do’ until then, babe,” he purrs.

You roll your eyes so hard it hurts. “Okay, what do you want to do _besides_ bang me on the kitchen table?”

Hidan’s smirk goes full-blown shit-eating grin as he opens his mouth to answer.

“No countertops, either,” you cut him off.

“…Okay now you’re just torturing me, babe.”

“Hidan, Leader said we’re not supposed to bother her about that until at least 10 o’clock tonight,” Tobi chastises with a wag of his finger. “Besides, Deidara is supposed to go first, remember?”

Your face burns as you immediately glance at the kitchen clock. 7:43. You’ve still got some time.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Hidan grumbles as he crosses his arms; completely oblivious to your internal crisis. “I still think that bastard cheated.”

“So who wants to play Sunagakure Ratscrew?” you blurt, desperate for distraction.

Both Hidan and Tobi glance at you before looking at each other. Hidan just shrugs. Tobi claps his hands in excitement.

“Tobi will go get the cards!” Tobi says as he bounds back out into the living room. He returns a moment later with the promised deck of playing cards. The three of you situate yourselves around the end of the kitchen table, split the deck, and get started.

…And you very quickly realize that you are way out of your league. At least when it comes to the slapping part of the game, anyway.

These guys are _fast_. Stupidly so. Every time you go to slap a pair you’re dead last; your hand landing on top of either Tobi’s or Hidan’s if it even lands at all before they manage to pull back with their haul. Thankfully you stay pretty lucky when it comes to the face card draws or else you would have been out of the game much sooner.

Still, your luck runs out faster than you’d like and soon, to no-one’s surprise, you’re the first one out of cards.

“I don’t get it,” you murmur as you watch Tobi and Hidan battle it out. “How are you guys so damn _fast?_ ”

“We’re shinobi, babe,” Hidan replies, keeping his eyes firmly on the card line as he flips his next one in. “Years of practice.” 

Tobi eventually wins.

“JASHIN DAMN IT!” Hidan spits as Tobi slaps the last pair a split second before Hidan does, leaving him empty-handed. “You got lucky, punk. If I weren’t distracted by _________’s tits I would have won that.”

“…But you weren’t looking at my tits,” you point out flatly, narrowing your eyes at him.

“You just didn’t _notice_ me looking at your tits,” Hidan says with a smarmy little smirk. “Shinobi, remember?”

“Well now _this_ looks like fun,” Kisame’s voice rumbles from the kitchen. You all glance up to see him strolling over with Itachi and Deidara.

“You all started a card game and didn’t think to invite us?” Deidara pouts as he crosses his arms.

“It was just a quick game while we waited for the cookies to bake, Deidara,” Tobi explains brightly. “We didn’t really plan it. If we did I definitely would have invited you! Your explosive personality guarantees that there’s never a dull or quiet moment!”

Deidara’s eye twitches in obvious irritation just as the timer goes off, a shrill ringing echoing from the kitchen.

“Speaking of which, I’ll be right back, gentlemen,” you say with a smile as you push yourself up out of your chair and head over to the oven. You come back out a few minutes later with a tray containing the cookies, six glasses, and a pitcher of milk. The guys have all taken seats at the table, leaving yours open between Deidara and Hidan. They’re all bickering; arguing about which card game to play by the sounds of it. Well, all except Itachi, that is. He seems content enough to just sit and watch as the others verbally duke it out.

“I’m telling you with a group this big it’s better to play Spoons, yeah!” Deidara throws out, waving at the middle of the table as if physically putting his point there. “It’s the same base idea as Ratscrew just simpler!”

“And I’m saying it’s too brainless,” Kisame says as he leans back in his chair and crosses his arms. “We should at least pick a game that uses more than just reflexes. Like Cheat or Daimyo or Hearts. Hell, even Blitz requires more brain power.”

“Yeah, but those games are boring,” Hidan complains, leaning back in his chair with his hands behind his head and his feet propped up on the table. “Cheat I can do but the others can suck my dick.”

“You just think they’re boring because you’re stupid, un.”

“And you’re about to get your ass kicked, bitchface!”

“What about you, Itachi?” Kisame asks, glancing at the dark-haired man beside him. “You got any suggestions?”

“None for a group this large,” he answers honestly. “But out of the ones suggested I am most partial to Cheat and Hearts.”

“Oh, hey, __________’s back!” Tobi calls out, waving at you as you set the tray down on the end of the table. “What game do you want to play next? You should get to choose since this was your idea!”

“Oh, uh, just anything that doesn’t involve stupid-fast reflexes is fine,” you answer as you start passing out the cookies on napkins. “I couldn’t keep up with _two_ shinobi earlier. There’s no way I could take on five of you.”

You steel yourself at the shit-eating grin that immediately lights up Hidan’s face. You made the mistake of giving him ammo and now you’re going to suffer for it.

“I’m sure with a little practice you could ‘take on’ _all_ of us, babe,” Hidan purrs with a waggle of his eyebrows. “Maybe even all at once. Though after you’ve had me I’m sure you won’t want or need any of these other losers anyway.”

You twitch, nearly splashing the milk you’re currently pouring. “Just keep your hands above the table for the duration of the game, Casanova.”

The smirk he gives you is positively _wicked_. “No promises, babe.”

You resist the urge to dunk your burning face in the milk pitcher.

“Tobi, would you be a sweetheart and switch places with me, please?” you ask the masked man sweetly. “I don’t think I’ll be able to concentrate otherwise.”

“Damn right you wouldn’t be able to!” Hidan crows proudly as he shoots you a wink.

“Sure thing, ________!” Tobi agrees brightly as he jumps up out of his chair and skips around to the other side of the table. He wiggles his butt before he plops it down in the empty seat between Hidan and Deidara, eagerly taking the glass of milk and reusable straw you lean over to hand him.

Deidara reaches around behind Tobi and smacks Hidan across the back of his stupid silver head.

“You idiot!” the blond hisses as Hidan snarls and rubs at the knot already forming there. “Look what you did, yeah!”

Kisame snickers as he takes his own glass. “Looks like you accidentally saved her from yourself, Hidan.”

“Saved her from what, exactly?!” Hidan spits, still rubbing at the back of his head. “The pleasure of my fucking company?! I’ll just have to show you exactly what you’re missing out on later tonight, babe!”

“So have we settled on a game or not?” Itachi cuts in coolly, trying to steer this oncoming train wreck back on track.

“How about we play a round of each game suggested?” you say as you settle into your new seat beside Kisame and across from Deidara with your own cookies and milk. “That way everyone is happy with at least one of them.”

“That works for me,” Kisame says with a shrug. The others all nod (or, in Hidan’s case, rolls their eyes and shrug) their agreement.

Surprisingly, the rest of the evening goes off without a hitch.

Sure, Hidan drops more shitty innuendoes than a drunken frat boy and Deidara keeps ‘subtly’ glancing at your chest from across the table but other than that it’s honestly fun. You quickly find out that Kisame has a good sense of humor. He even manages to make you crack up a few times; something he seems immensely proud of if the smug, pleased grin he sports every time he succeeds is anything to go by. Even Itachi seems to have a good time. He doesn’t laugh or even smile, but he does eventually lose the tenseness in his shoulders.

The next time you glance at the clock its 9:40. You stand to leave just as Tobi starts shuffling the cards for the next game.

“Well, gentlemen, it’s been fun, but I think I’m going to hit the showers,” you say as you gather up the empty tray and glasses. You really do need to wash up, but mostly you just need some time to compose yourself before the not-so-proverbial hounds are finally unleashed.

“I’ll join you, yeah!” Deidara shouts as he shoots up out of his chair. Tobi grabs him by the back of his shirt and drags him back down to sit.

“Ah ah ah!” Tobi chastises with a wag of his gloved finger. “She’s still got 20 minutes, Deidara. Besides, don’t you want her to be all squeaky clean for you later?~”

“Yeah, yeah, fine, un,” Deidara huffs as he leans back in his seat and crosses his arms with a pout. He glances up at you just as you’re picking up the tray to take back into the kitchen. “Just don’t take too long, beautiful,” he purrs with a smirk. “I’ll be waiting.”

You swear the heat of your face could rival the sun.

“I won’t,” you promise with a half-smile before you scurry into the kitchen. You set the pitcher and glasses in the sink and run some water in them before hurrying off to your room. You quickly change into your bathrobe and flip flops before shoving all your bath stuff into your shower caddy and heading out. Thanks to your old apartments having nothing but two communal shower rooms any shyness you might have felt about walking around like this in front of men wore itself out long ago.

In your haste to get clean you nearly run smack-dab into Kakuzu on his way out of the bathroom.

“Watch it, girlie,” he snarls. You scramble back into the wall with a squeak, holding up your shower caddy in front of you like a shield.

“Sorry!” you apologize, bowing your head to hide your flustered face. Clearly he just got finished showering himself. His long, dark brown hair is still damp and he’s wearing nothing but a towel slung low around his hips. Even with his creepy eyes and those strange stitches across his cheeks you can’t help but think he’s surprisingly handsome.

He snorts, gaze raking down your body in a lazy once-over before settling back on your burning face.

“If you use the regular showers don’t take any longer than five minutes,” he growls. “I don’t want you wasting water.” And with that final warning he lumbers away down the hall.

You let out the breath you were holding, shoulders slumping as you visibly deflate in relief. God, that guy is scary.

It’s no surprise that the bathroom is communal. What _does_ surprise you is how clean and spacious it is. It’s split into two parts – the room with the toilet stalls and sinks and the room with both traditional wash stations, a few modern showers, and (the part you’re most excited about) the large, deep, sento-style tub. You’ll definitely be making use of _that_ particular feature later. You haven’t had a proper soak in _ages_. 

Though you’re no stranger to quick showers thanks to your old apartments’ many restrictions you opt for a military-style wash in one of the modern stalls. With your luck that scary bastard is somehow monitoring your water usage. You turn it on only to quickly wash your hair and soak your body before turning it off to put in conditioner and scrub down. You rinse when you’re finished and dry off in the relative privacy of the stall before putting your robe back on. It didn’t do as much to quell your nerves as you’d hoped, but you do feel a little more relaxed now. After combing your hair and brushing your teeth you gather your things and make to leave; throwing one last longing glance at the steaming bath as you shuffle on back to your room.

Time to face the Marvin Gaye music.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Grabs a saxophone and busts into Careless Whisper* Awww Yeeeah babes. Get ready because the Bang Train is about to pull into the station. Things are starting to heat up. ;)


	4. Start with a Fizzle, End with a Bang

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm uploading this chapter a bit early because I can't wait anymore. Strap in, babes, because this one's a little long and more than a little wild. 
> 
> WARNING: NSFW AHEAD! (Deidara, Hidan). Also some blood and canon-typical violence. Enjoy!

You find Deidara already waiting for you sprawled out “draw-me” style on your bed in nothing but his boxer-briefs.

“Right on time, un,” he purrs as he pats the space in front of him. You glance at your alarm clock. 10:00 pm on the nose. These guys sure don’t waste any time. You resist the urge to roll your eyes as you close and lock the door behind you.

“Alright. Let’s do this,” you sigh as you set your towel and shower caddy on the desk before untying the belt holding your robe together. Surely this will be better than your first and only other ill-fated foray into the world of physical intimacy.

He perks up immediately; his one visible eye following the robe’s descent as you shrug it off your shoulders. He sucks in a breath as it pools at your feet, blue eye widening as its gaze bounces from your breasts to your crotch down to your legs before going back to your breasts.

“You’re a work of art,” he breathes as he sits up and leans over to get a better look. You flush so bad you’re pretty sure your entire body is glowing. So far this is _definitely_ better than last time. Hopefully the trend keeps up.

“Modern or traditional?” you joke-blurt because your stupid, awkward mouth can’t let you have anything. God damn it.

He smirks as he finally glances up at your face. “Hey now, modern styles can be just as beautiful as ‘traditional’ ones. Finding new ways to physically execute ideas is essential to keeping art alive and relevant, hm.”

Well now, you certainly weren’t expecting this loud-mouth horn-dog to be such a little art connoisseur.

“True,” you hum with a small smile as you crawl onto the bed. “But as beautiful as Murakami’s paintings are I think most women would prefer to be compared to Fujishima’s.”

His eye widens, obviously surprised. “You’re into art?”

You shrug, sheepish. “My school library had a book about art and artists that I liked to read through when I was younger. I never really dabbled in it myself, though.” _Mostly because I didn’t have the time or money or even permission_ , you think a little bitterly.

“You should start, yeah!” he says enthusiastically. “I could even teach you!”

Your flush deepens. You didn’t expect any of these guys to be so sweet or sincere. “That’d be nice.”

“Can I kiss you?” he asks a bit breathlessly, leaning forward so that his face is only a hairsbreadth from yours. He smells both earthy and woodsy; like damp potter’s clay and the lumber section of a hardware store. It’s nice.

You’re honestly surprised that he even bothered to ask. You’re here to serve, after all. Then again, you vaguely recall Majime mentioning that kissing is a bit too intimate even for her so maybe that’s what this is about. But so far he’s been very sweet and he _is_ really pretty so honestly what could it hurt?

“Okay, yeah, sure,” you answer, a bit breathless yourself.

His lips crash into yours with all the grace and finesse of a drunken, inexperienced teenager’s.

…Aaaand the warm, fuzzy, almost romantic feeling is gone. It’s just like your first time all over again.

Damn it.

It’s obvious that he doesn’t know what he’s doing. He’s pressing too hard and his teeth keep clacking uncomfortably against yours. His nose threatens to poke you in the eye or smacks across your own nose and cheeks whenever he readjusts. Hell, this may very well be _his_ first time. He does look young; probably a few years younger than you. You’d honestly be surprised if he were a day over 18.

Still, despite the awkwardness and discomfort on your end he’s obviously getting into it. The longer he goes on the more frenzied he gets. Soon his hands are on your hips, dragging you closer to him as he continues to play Mortal Kombat with your poor mouth. One hand slides up to roughly palm at your breast.

A hard, sharp pinch right to your nipple makes you yelp.

“What the hell was that?!” you spit as you push at his shoulders and pull away.

“What do you mean?” he asks, face flushed and eye dark and hazy.

“Did you pinch me?!”

“No?”

You glance down at your boob and see tiny pinpricks of blood welling around your areola. “Then why the fuck am I bleeding?!”

He follows your gaze and winces. “Ah, sorry, yeah. That was my other mouth. They get harder to control when I’m excited.”

You give him a look so flat it rivals even Itachi’s legendary passiveness. “Your other mouth.”

“Yeah. I’ve actually got four. See?” He holds up his hands and, sure enough, two pink tongues wiggle at you from the middles of his palms. But it’s not just tongues, oh no. These little fuckers are the real deal; complete with lips and a full set of teeth each.

“What the fuck,” you whisper, instinctively grabbing one of his hands and bringing it closer to you for a better look. “ _What the fuck._ ”

“They help me with my art, un,” he explains, looking sheepish as he scratches at the back of his head with the hand you aren’t holding.

You can’t help your lizard-brained impulse to shove a finger into it. It gently bites the tip then licks at the non-existent wound. “Are all shinobi this…” _absolutely_ _fucking bizarre?_ “…different?”

“Some have bloodline limits that alter their appearance but otherwise no,” he explains as he watches you play around with his hand. “Outside of that only a few very powerful, very dedicated shinobi alter their physiology like I have. The ones willing and able to do so usually do it to give themselves a distinct advantage in battle, hm.”

Right. Dangerous criminals. Dangerous _shinobi_ criminals. Still, you can’t help but find them absolutely fascinating. You’ve lived a fairly sheltered, boring life up until now.

“You said you had four,” you mention, glancing up at his blush-red face. “Where’s the other one?”

“Right here, un,” he answers with a wide grin, pointing at the line of stitches surrounded by a black tribal-style tattoo above his left pectoral. “But I’m saving that for my grand finale. My final masterpiece.”

You decide it’s best not to ask.

“You said these help you with your art,” you continue as you trace the lips on his hand with your thumb. They’re a little dry; rough and slightly chapped. “How so?”

“I work with clay, yeah,” he says as he wills them to kiss your thumb. He smirks when you giggle. “The mouths help me infuse my chakra into it.”

“And what does _that_ do?” you press as you gently poke at his hand-mouth’s teeth. They’re as solid as the ones in his real mouth.

“Turns it into bombs, yeah. Makes the most beautiful explosions you’ve ever seen.”

He says it so casually it’s disturbing. Like it’s not something insane and dangerous and scary. Like he doesn’t sound like a crazy homicidal pyromaniac. In fact he actually sounds _proud_.

You shiver.

“But enough about that,” he purrs, using the hand you’re holding to grab your wrist and tug you back towards him. “I can show you all that later, hmm. Right now I want _you_.”

Despite the shitty make-out session and creepy pyro-talk you can’t help but feel a small jolt of arousal pulse between your legs. His voice is much deeper than one would expect from such a pretty face and the look he’s giving you is positively _smoldering_. Maybe you can salvage this little experience after all.

Then his clumsy mouth is back on yours and that hope is promptly skewered by the cold, unforgiving knife of reality. 

He adds his tongue to the mix this time, swiping at your lips and teeth. You reluctantly open your mouth to let him in and he shoves it in immediately, nearly choking you with his enthusiasm. He actually pushes it towards the back of your throat and you gag, smacking at his chest. Luckily he takes the hint and pulls back before you can make this whole experience even less sexy by vomiting all over him.

Before you can chastise him for his overeager lack of consideration he’s pushing you back; surprisingly strong arms shoving you into the mattress as he hovers over you with a lust-drunk look. He keeps one hand on your chest as he reaches down to tug his underwear off with the other, fumbling blindly as he keeps those dark, lidded eyes on you. After a few moments he kicks them off, hands immediately moving to spread your thighs as he starts dragging you towards his crotch.

“Whoa, whoa, wait!” you cry, squeezing your thighs shut as best you can.

“What?!” he barks angrily as you push your feet against his chest. “I’m tired of waiting, yeah!”

“You need a condom, jackass!” you spit as you use the leverage to push yourself away. “And lube! You can’t just go in bareback and dry!”

“Don’t you women have pills or something for that?” he huffs, slightly more calm but still noticeably pissy.

“I do, but they take a week to kick in,” you explain with a glare. Deidara crosses his arms but watches in silence as you flip over onto your hands and knees and crawl over to the nightstand to dig around. The sight of your ass wiggling so close to his face is only making it harder for him to control himself.

Luckily you pull back a moment later with what you were looking for. You toss a bottle of lube onto the bed before you turn and crawl back towards him. When you’re within easy touching distance you settle back on your heels and rip a small, foil package open with your teeth. You lean forward and roll the condom onto his erection as he watches, not quite trusting him to do it right himself.

“Can I fuck you now?” he huffs as you toss the empty wrapper into the trash.

“Almost there, Overeager McBeaver,” you shoot back dryly as you grab the nearby bottle and squeeze a generous amount onto your fingers. You smooth it over his cock before you settle back and spread your legs, ready to get this over with.

“Alright,” you droll as you toss the lube bottle onto your pillow. “ _Now_ you can fuck me.”

He’s on you faster than a dog on steak; hands once again hooking under your thighs as he drags you against his lower half. He wastes no time; sliding into you without any preamble or even a hint of foreplay. You both grunt as he quickly hilts himself inside you. Even with lube it’s a bit uncomfortable on your end.

“So tight,” he hisses, eyes scrunching shut as he hunches over you. “I can’t wait to feel you without a condom on, yeah.”

He sets a fast, jerky pace; hitting absolutely none of your hot spots. You sigh and roll your eyes. Are _all_ men this way? Is the stuff in _Icha Icha_ just pure fantasy? He was so sweet earlier! You’d actually had hope that this time would be better than last time!

You’re about to slide a hand between your legs to help yourself when he suddenly starts trying to make out with you again, the front of his body pressed flush against yours as he all but mauls your poor lips. The mouths in his hands nip and lick at your hips, more pinchy than pleasant. The one in his stupid, pretty face is just as awkward and clumsy as it was earlier and adds nothing of value to the experience.

At least the new angle of his body causes his abdomen to brush against your clit with each frantic thrust. You close your eyes and focus on that, lifting your hips a little to maximize the sensation.

Just as you’re starting to get into it he goes still; whole body shuddering as he lets out a long, loud groan. Did he just…? Shit. He did. You tilt your head back to glance at your alarm clock. 10:14. Well, at least he lasted longer than the first guy.

“Feel better?” you ask dryly as you pat at his back. He didn’t even go long enough to break a sweat.

“Yeah,” he pants. “Thanks.”

“No problem.” Well, actually there are _lots_ of problems but you’re sure as shit not going to point them out. You don’t want to _literally_ explode.

A loud banging at your door makes you both jump.

“OI! BLONDIE!” Hidan shouts from the other side. “YOU FUCKIN’ FINISHED IN THERE?! I _KNOW_ YOUR SORRY VIRGIN ASS DIDN’T LAST LONGER THAN 15 MINUTES!” 

“FUCK OFF BEFORE I BLOW YOUR ASS TO HELL, HIDAN!” Deidara shouts back, mouth twisting into a vicious snarl as he glares at the door so hard you’re surprised it doesn’t burst into flames.

“I’D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY, BITCH! YOU’VE GOT 3 MINUTES! ANY LONGER THAN THAT AND I’M KICKING IN THIS GODDAMN DOOR!”

“Shit,” Deidara hisses lowly as he drops his head. “He’ll actually do it, un. I better leave. Kakuzu will get _pissed_ if we break another door, yeah.” He sighs as he pulls out and stands up, slipping the condom off of his softening cock and tossing it into the trash without tying it off. You roll off the bed and start digging in the nightstand again, popping back up a moment later with a baby wipe in hand. You really are being far more considerate than he deserves, but being a people-pleaser is pretty much ingrained in you at this point.

“Here,” you say to catch his attention before tossing it over the bed to him.

“Thanks,” he says as he catches it and quickly cleans himself off before throwing it away. He finds his underwear and pulls it on before strolling towards the door. Apparently he didn’t wear anything else to your room.

“Finally!” Hidan huffs as Deidara opens it. He’s in nothing but his underwear, too. What the hell? Is this just some weird guy thing? “I’m surprised you lasted that long, bitchface!”

“I probably would have gone another round if your sorry ass hadn’t ruined the mood!” Deidara bites back. You smartly refrain from saying that there was no “mood” to begin with. Well, besides disappointment, anyway.

“Yeah, well, she’ll still be here when I’m finished with her, blondie,” Hidan shoots back with a smirk. “If you actually manage to get that pathetic limp-dick back up for round two you’re more than welcome to come back in an hour. If she’s not too worn out from me, that is.”

Yep. It’s definitely a good thing you’re already lubed up. How is it that both of these men are so damn attractive but still somehow manage to make you drier than the Suna desert? It’s just not _fair_.

Surprisingly, Deidara ignores that last quip as he shoves past Hidan and stalks away down the hall. Hidan just smirks after him as he steps into your room and slams the door shut. He whirls around, smirk widening into a large, wolfish grin as he takes in your naked body with darkening magenta eyes.

“I’ve been waiting for this all day, gorgeous,” he purrs as he stalks towards you in a slow, sensuous way. It’d honestly be sexy if you _hadn’t_ just spent half the day listening to his vulgar frat-boy mouth. You turn and dig another condom out of the drawer before this can go any further.

“You’re going to need this, Casanova,” you say dryly as you toss it towards his head. He catches it easily and scowls at it.

“Ugh, I fucking hate condoms,” he complains, nose wrinkling in obvious displeasure. “Fucking doesn’t feel nearly as good with them, babe.”

“Tough shit,” you reply flatly as you crawl back onto the bed. As hot as he is you’re not about to get knocked up by this walking frat-boy stereotype. He doesn’t exactly seem like Grade-A dad material.

“You don’t have, like, pills or something instead?” he borderline whines. You twitch.

“I do, but I have to take them for at least a week before they become effective. I don’t want to risk it.”

“Ugh, _fine,_ but I’m going to be first in line come next Saturday, babe,” he huffs as he crawls on after you. You roll your eyes as you lie back against the pillows and spread your legs, ready for another disappointing round.

He’s on you like a rabid animal; all teeth and tongue and low, dark growls. You groan as he presses heavy between your thighs and immediately latches onto your neck; biting and sucking at the hollow above your collar bone like he’s determined to leave the world’s biggest hickey there. Once he feels it’s been adequately abused he nibbles his way up, feather-light bites that have you shuddering pleasantly beneath him. With one last nip at your jaw he goes for your mouth, surprisingly soft lips pressing against your own.

Well now _this_ is certainly a nice surprise. He’s definitely a better kisser than Deidara was.

He wastes no time slipping his tongue past your lips, growling as he all but demands entrance. You eagerly comply, quickly opening your mouth for him. He hums in approval as he slips inside, rolling his tongue sensually against yours. You moan into his mouth as your hands instinctively reach up to tangle in his slightly stiff, gelled-back hair, your hips rolling against him. Now _this_ is more like it.

 _Third time really IS the charm_ , you think wryly to yourself as he starts licking slowly into your mouth, hot tongue dipping sinfully in and out in a vulgar replication of what’s to come. _Looks like that pretty mouth of his is good for more than just curse words and innuendo._

Your breath hitches as he suddenly shifts and slides a hand down your body to cup between your legs; rough palm pressing firmly against your heat. You feel his lips pull back into a smirk as he grinds the heel of it into your clit and you buck.

“Betcha had to use lube with that shitty blond loser,” he murmurs against your mouth, hot breath fanning across your lips. “There’s no _way_ he could get you this wet. But don’t worry, babe.” He kisses a trail up your jaw to your ear, rough tongue lolling out to run languidly over the shell of it. You shudder violently beneath him, hands clenching tighter in his hair. “I’ll make sure you’re slicked up nice and good with the real thing.”

The dark, husky tone of his voice combined with his erotic, dirty promise makes you moan; hips bucking up against his hand again as you silently beg him to make good on it. He chuckles lowly and grinds his palm against you, that sinful mouth coming back to play with yours.

The heel of his hand is soon replaced with the rough pads of his fingers, pressing with practiced precision against your quickly swelling clit. You whine into his mouth as you grind against them, desperate for the friction. He groans around your tongue, fanning his fingers into a ‘V’ shape that catches and rolls your clit between them with each jerk of your hips. God, his fingers feel _so_ much better than yours.

Clearly your reactions are having quite the effect on him if the hot, clothed press of his bulge against your thigh is anything to go by. You decide to tease him, pulling your dominant hand out of his hair and slipping it between your bodies to rub against his covered crotch. He hisses and bucks against you, fingers tightening to lightly pinch your clit in retaliation.

“Already such a good little slut for me,” he pulls back to huff against your cheeks. His face is flushed; eyes dark and lidded as he stares down at you with a lazy, satisfied smirk. “Is that why you took this job? You like being fucked this much?”

You pout at him; lust-hazy mind taking the edge off the anger you’d normally feel at his words. Right now it’s just dirty talk, not a genuine jab at your dignity. 

“Oh, I bet you do,” he purrs, roughly tugging at your clitoral hood. You gasp and buck against him. “Your face is all flushed and you keep humping against my hand. You’re just fucking _dying_ for my cock, aren’t you?”

You huff as you gently squeeze his erection and grind against his fingers, lids dropping into heavy bedroom eyes in answer.

“ _So fucking hot_ ,” he hisses as he buries his face in your neck. He gently licks and nips at your throat, tongue hot and wet against your delicate skin. When he presses a hard kiss to the pulse point under your jaw you shudder, body arching against him. He chuckles and rewards you by moving his fingers down to finally slip inside you. You moan and clench around him, hands softly tugging your approval.

“So fucking _tight_ , babe,” he moans into your neck. “So hot and wet for me. I can’t fucking _wait_ to feel this pretty pussy around my cock.”

His dirty words, his husky tone, the way his fingers curl and catch inside you are all so much better than you would have ever believed. You didn’t think he’d be able to turn you on this much, didn’t think he’d be this good. Everything about him radiates heat and raw desire. His hot skin pressed against yours, his wet tongue lapping at your neck, the pulse of his cock in your hand. He wants you badly; wants you to want him just as badly. The way he angles his hand so that his palm grinds against your clit as he fingers you proves as much.

He toys with you like that for several minutes; playing with you until your hips start to jerk and your breaths turn into short, shallow pants.

Just as your body tenses for the grand finale he pulls his hand back.

You hiss and catch it between your thighs before he can fully get away, expression positively thunderous. How _dare_ he tease you like this?! How dare he-

“I want to feel you come on my cock, babe,” he husks against the shell of your ear. “Want to feel that gorgeous cunt of yours milk me for all I’m worth.”

Your breath hitches, anger immediately smothered by a fresh wave of lust. You turn your face towards him, brushing your lips against his ear.

“ _Then fuck me_ , _Hidan,_ ” you murmur darkly.

He _shudders_ , cock twitching against your palm.

Faster than you can blink he’s off you; sitting up to yank his boxers off and grab the condom you gave him all in one motion. He rips the package open with his teeth and rolls it on before crawling back up the bed with a look so dark and hungry it makes you shiver.

“You asked for it, babe,” he purrs as he grabs your hips and settles between your thighs like he belongs there. He snags the pillow you’re not lying on and shoves it under your hips just as he slides home.

You both moan at the feeling; him from your heat and tightness and you from the wonderful fullness. Yes, this is what it’s s _upposed_ to feel like. 

He leans over to ravage your mouth again as he sets a deep, steady, pace; his pubic bone brushing against your clit with every thrust. You moan around his tongue, arms instinctively wrapping around his shoulders as your knees squeeze his hips. He growls in approval, lips and tongue vibrating deliciously against yours.

You get lost in him – the delicious contrast of his smooth skin over hard muscle, the tangy taste of his tongue, the deep, languid thrusts that hit _just right_ every time. The heat of his body and the spicy, earthy scent of his hair gel. The pants and groans and the wet, erotic sound of slapping skin. It’s all so wonderful and it turns you on _gloriously_. It’s everything _Icha Icha_ promised and more.

He comes before you do.

His thrusts turn short and sharp; hips jerking sporadically as he full-body shudders. He buries his face in your neck as he rides his orgasm out, teeth bared and gritted against your skin. You grind up against him, desperately trying to follow him over that edge. You’re so close. Just a little more and-

The motherfucker _bites you._

Not a love nip or gentle nibble, but a full on hungry carnivore _bite_ right next to your fucking throat. You screech as his teeth sink sharp and deep into your neck, killing any and all pleasure as pain immediately takes over. Blood starts pouring from the wound in alarming amounts, staining your skin and spilling over onto the bed and pillow.

“Oh shit! Fuck, I’m so sorry, babe! I didn’t mean-”

“GET OFF ME!” you screech, hand flying to press hard against the gaping wound in a desperate attempt to stem the blood flow. It doesn’t do jack shit except make your palm red and slick.

He’s off you like a shot, jumping off the bed and sprinting out into the hall before you can say anything else. You hear loud banging through your now wide-open door; most likely his fist against another door.

“SASORI!” Hidan yells, still banging away. “I need your fucking help! SASORI GODDAMN IT OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!”

The banging abruptly stops.

“If you keep banging on my door like that I swear I will turn you into my next puppet,” you hear a new voice say lowly.

“Yeah, whatever, I need your help, man! I accidentally bit the new girl and now there’s fucking blood everywhere! Shit looks real bad!”

“And I should care because…?”

“BECAUSE IF SHE FUCKING DIES WE WON’T GET ANOTHER FUCKING OPPORTUNITY LIKE THIS!”

You’re starting to feel awful light-headed. Nausea hits, too, making your stomach roil. Shit.

“That’s not a good enough reason. For me, anyway. I have no use for any of her ‘services.’”

“Fuck, dude! Fine, look, I’ll owe you a huge favor! Whatever you fucking want!”

“…I do have some new poisons I’ve been meaning to test.”

“I’ll be your fuckin’ test dummy! Just fucking hurry, dude! _Please!_ ”

A beat of silence, then-

“Fine.”

Hidan runs back into your room a moment later, eyes going huge at the ever-growing blood stains on your pillow and comforter.

“Fucking _shit_!” he hisses as he sprints over to your side. “SASORI!”

“Stop yelling. I’m right here,” the new voice says from the doorway. You glance up and make out crimson red hair and an angelic face through bleary eyes. If he’s at all surprised by the sheer amount of blood pouring from your neck he sure as hell doesn’t show it. The expression on his face is so neutrally passive that you’re starting to believe he really _is_ made of wood. He makes his way over to the side of the bed, roughly shoving Hidan out of the way as he bats your hand away from your neck. He presses his fingers lightly against your wound; smooth and cold and glowing a bright, soothing green.

“No wonder she’s bleeding like a stuck pig,” he intones flatly a moment later. “You nicked one of her carotid arteries you idiot.”

“WELL CAN YOU FUCKING FIX IT?!” Hidan shouts loud enough to make you wince. Your neck throbs at the involuntary muscle twitch and sends a fresh spurt of red across Sasori’s fingers and your chest.

“Of course I can fix it,” Sasori replies with the barest hint of irritation, pretty light-brown eyes flicking over to narrow slightly at the asshole who just about mauled you to death. The fingers against your throat turn warm; your skin and muscle tingling as they magically nit themselves back together. Even after the deep punchers ease and fade away he keeps his fingers against your neck until the light-headedness and nausea are gone.

“Thank you,” you breathe when he pulls back a few minutes later. He doesn’t answer or even look at you, instead turning to pin Hidan with another flat look as he wipes the blood from his fingers on your sheets.

“I healed the punctures and accelerated the cell-turnover rate in her bone marrow to replace the blood she lost,” he explains evenly, like he didn’t just perform a miracle. This is technically not your first brush with shinobi medical genius but that doesn’t make it any less incredible. “I expect you to drop by my room after breakfast tomorrow to hold up your end of the bargain. Fail to show and I _will_ hunt you down and turn you into a puppet.”

“You can fuckin’ count on it, Sasori!” Hidan says with a grin and a double-thumbs up. “Jashin fucking _hates_ lairs.”

Sasori snorts as he turns to leave. “Try not to break your new toy. I won’t always be around or willing to help you fix it.” And with that he’s out the door.

You wince at his parting words, gaze lowering to your lap. That’s really all you are here, aren’t you? A pretty little plaything. A living sex doll.

Maybe you should have just sucked it up and gone back home. At least then you’d only be dead on the _inside._

A calloused hand on your shoulder has you flinching. “Hey, uh, I really am sorry, babe,” Hidan stammers in the closest thing to an inside-voice he has. “I really didn’t mean to bite you that fuckin’ hard. It’s just…it’s been awhile and I got too excited. No hard feelings?”

You rip your shoulder from his grip and slide off the bed.

“Yeah, sure, whatever,” you mumble through a clenched jaw as you grab the towel you used earlier and wrap it around your body. You snag the bar of soap out of your caddy and your robe off the floor as you head out into the hall without even looking at him. The wound may be gone but the blood most definitely is not. You want it off you ASAP.

Surprisingly, Hidan doesn’t say anything more or even try to follow you as you once again make your way to the bathroom. Deidara, Itachi, and Kisame are all soaking in the large sento. They glance up at you but you just ignore them as you make a beeline for the modern showers.

“WHAT THE HELL?!” Deidara yells, voice reverberating far too loud in the tiled room. Sloshing follows as he no doubt pulls himself out of the tub. “WHOSE BLOOD IS THAT?! DID THAT ASSHOLE ACTUALLY TRY TO SACRIFICE YOU?!”

“It’s mine and he bit me. He got Sasori to fix it,” you explain flatly as you turn on the faucet and step in towel and all, not even waiting for the water to get warm. You want it off before it has a chance to dry and crust and stick.

“WAS HE TRYING TO RIP OUT YOUR THROAT?!” he screeches, voice even louder now that he’s right behind you. You wince. God, you’re going to be deaf by the end of all this. _If_ you make it to the end of all this. “YOUR TOWEL AND SKIN ARE SOAKED, YEAH!”

“Sasori said he nicked my carotid artery,” you answer as you start soaping up, exasperation tingeing your tone. You just want to get clean, get back to your room, and cry yourself to sleep as you desperately try to forget this ever happened. You know, your normal Saturday night routine.

“THAT IMPULSIVE, SELFISH, INSINSITIVE _IDIOT_!” he fumes, face bright red. Well, you definitely can’t argue with _that_. Honestly, Deidara’s righteous fury on your behalf, even as ear-shattering as it is, is strangely reassuring. Heartwarming, even. Maybe these guys really aren’t so bad.

“HOW DARE HE ALMOST KILL YOU BEFORE WE EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO GO BAREBACK! I’M GOING TO GO GIVE THAT RAT-BASTARD A PIECE OF MY ART, YEAH!” 

…Aaaand the sweet, loving ring-hand of Mama Reality promptly bitch slaps you back to your senses.

“Take it outside, Deidara!” Kisame calls from the tub as the fuming blond starts to storm out of the bathroom. He doesn’t even bother to grab a towel to wrap around his naked waist, far too caught up in his hot-headed rage. “We don’t need you two destroying the whole damn base!”

Deidara doesn’t acknowledge the warning; the bathroom going quiet again as he stomps out into the hall. For a moment the only sound is that of the running water from the shower as you finish washing yourself off. It’s soon broken by the cacophony of loud, muffled scream-arguing from the next hall over. You sigh as you shut the faucet off.

“…Want to join us for a soak?” Kisame offers as you step out and grab a new towel from the nearby shelf. The one you came in with is soaking wet now. “Might make you feel better, sweetheart.”

Itachi just continues to silently watch on with dark, flat eyes.

“No thank you,” you reply curtly as you dry yourself off. You’ve had quite enough testosterone and false sweetness for today, thank you very much. The absolute last thing you want right now is to potentially be dragged into another painful/unsatisfying and/or disappointing round of sex. “I think I’m just going to hit the sack.” _At least dream-me may actually get to fucking come and not almost die in the process._

Kisame shrugs as he props his elbows on the rim and leans back, creepy fish eyes sliding closed contentedly. “Suit yourself.”

You silently thank him for not pushing it.

As soon as you’re sufficiently dry you put on your robe and head out the door. You throw the towel you just used on the floor and drag it with your foot to mop up the water trail Deidara so considerately left behind. The formerly-bloody one is mostly clean now. You’d scrubbed at it and wrung it out in the shower, wanting to keep the blood from setting. You know from feminine experience that blood is an absolute bitch to remove from fabric once it’s fully dry. And with your luck that scary ragdoll bastard would somehow find out if you were to accidentally ruin and therefore ‘waste’ a perfectly good towel. He seems like the type to get mad about stupid, trivial shit like that.

The door to your room is wide open but it’s quiet inside. You peak around the doorframe, still cautious.

It’s empty. You sigh in relief.

Then you catch sight of the bed and groan. Figures Hidan would leave clean-up to you. He hardly seems the considerate type.

You strip everything - comforter, sheets, and pillows. Luckily the blood didn’t soak all the way to the mattress. _That_ would have been a real bitch. You thank Mama Reality for small mercies.

With another deep, heavy, bone-tired sigh you grab your laundry detergent, gather up your bloody bundle, and once again tromp off towards the bathroom. Best get this all scrubbed out before it can set.

You’re just outside the entryway when the floor shudders violently beneath your feet. You yelp as you stumble and fall, a deafening BOOM shaking the walls and rattling your ears.

Kisame and Itachi are out of the tub in a heartbeat, already standing in the hallway as you’re still staggering to your feet.

“Those idiots,” Kisame growls as he wraps a towel around his waist. “They should know better than to do this so close to base!”

Itachi glances over and notices you leaning against the wall.

“Stay inside,” he warns as he finishes tucking in his own towel. You just nod as they turn and sprint towards the front door.

With no other plans and absolutely no desire to get caught up in whatever bullshit is happening out there you just gather up the soiled linens and head inside. You settle at one of the wash stations and grab the detachable shower head, determined to get this done and finally get to bed.

For the next twenty minutes you soap and scrub and rinse away, completely ignoring the loud booms and accompanying shakes and shudders. Whatever the fuck is happening _they_ can deal with it. You’ve had plenty of excitement for one damn day. 

You’re just about finished when you feel a sinister presence glowering at you from the entryway. The hair on the back of your neck and arms stands on end. You turn to see Kakuzu there, teeth gritted and creepy red-green eyes narrowed to dagger slits. His fists are clenched tight enough to shatter bone. He looks a little…singed? And very, _very_ pissed. You immediately shrink in on yourself, tense and terrified.

“ _You_ are already causing _far_ more trouble than you’re worth, girlie,” he growls lowly, a rumbling death sentence. He stalks towards you; thick, black tendrils slithering out of his body like poisonous snakes. You freeze like a caught deer, eyes huge and heart pounding. There’s nowhere to go, no way to defend yourself.

You are going to die.

Before you can make a sound his hand is around your throat, lifting you off the ground and crushing your windpipe. You choke as you instinctively grab at it, blunt nails clawing at his thick skin with all the effectiveness of a newborn kitten’s. Panic overwhelms your mind, sharp and foggy all at once.

“Worthless,” he sneers, holding you out at arm’s length. “Can’t even take your goddamn heart. It’s too damn small for me to use.” 

Your lungs start to burn, a prickling fire in your chest. Your eyes start to bulge, legs kicking uselessly under you in a desperate attempt to land a kick. There is no bright, warm light at the end of a tunnel; no flashbacks to better, happier times. There is only pain and fear, only the darkness encroaching on the edges of your vision. 

There’s a glint of light on metal and suddenly there’s a kunai embedded deep in the hand around your throat. Kakuzu drops you with a hiss, immediately whirling around to face whoever threw it. You hit the tile hard, static pain shooting up your spine on impact. Your tailbone is definitely going to be sore tomorrow if you somehow survive this.

“Itachi,” Kakuzu snarls as you cough and gasp for breath. You can just make out the dark-haired man’s smaller form around Kakuzu’s bulk.

“Think about what you’re doing, Kakuzu,” Itachi says evenly, face smooth and impassive. He’s not in a defensive position but his body is tense, ready to spring into action at a moment’s notice.

“I know _exactly_ what I’m doing, Uchiha,” Kakuzu growls as he yanks the kunai out of his hand and tosses it aside. “I’m getting rid of the source of a _lot_ of future headaches.”

“Hidan and Deidara have been fighting over trivial things ever since they joined the organization,” Itachi reasons, dark gaze never wavering. “They will continue to do so whether she is here or not.”

Kakuzu snorts, tendrils twitching in irritation. “And she’ll cause them to fight more than they already do. They’re like toddlers with a new toy. Neither of them likes to share.”

“And I’d argue that her absence would make them even more unbearable than that,” Itachi rebuttals smoothly. “You already can’t stand Hidan and you barely tolerate Deidara. Imagine how angry they’ll get if you take away such an easy source of pleasure and entertainment. They’ll never let you hear the end of it.”

Kakuzu pauses at that, tendrils drooping slightly as he thinks it over.

After a long, tense moment he sighs.

“Killing those two would be more trouble than it’s worth,” he grumbles as the cords slide back into his body. “I guess this is what I get for sticking with a group that’s overrun with a bunch of goddamn teenagers.”

Itachi says nothing more as Kakuzu stalks past him and out into the hall; grumbling something under his breath about being ‘too damn old for this shit’ as he goes. Your savior’s dark gaze turns to you as soon as he’s out of sight.

“I recommend avoiding him as much as possible for the next few days,” Itachi says evenly.

You nod slowly, still somewhat in shock.

“Thank you,” you rasp.

Itachi just nods silently in acknowledgement before taking his leave.

Numbly, you go back to wringing out your sheets. Your hands are still trembling.

Hidan and Deidara trudge in just as you’re gathering everything to take to the drier. They’re both covered in dirt and soot, their hair wild and tangled. They head straight for the modern showers and hop into the ones furthest away from each other, obviously sulking.

At least they didn’t try to talk to or fuck you.

_Thank you, Mama Reality._

After finding the laundry room and shoving your load in the drier you head back to your room, grabbing a fresh set of sheets from the linen closet before you head in and lock the door behind you. Your hands shake as you make the bed.

They’re still shaking as you crawl in and set your alarm, clumsy fingers fumbling with the buttons. You decide to keep the lamp on. 

Surprisingly, you don’t cry. You just continue to tremble until the adrenaline wears off and exhaustion takes over. Soon your eyelids are heavier than your fear and your mind is too tired to think.

By some small miracle you drift off into a dreamless sleep. 

_ Bonus: _

Kisame cracks an eye open as he hears you leave; watching with a small, toothy smirk as you shuffle out into the hall.

“Looks like you owe me money, Itachi,” he rumbles as he closes his eye again. “Hidan was the first to almost kill her.” 

Itachi just hums in acknowledgement.

“I don’t get why you bet on Deidara anyway,” Kisame sighs as he slides down deeper into the hot water. “Sure, he’s an impulsive pyromaniac with a temper but I figured you’d agree that Hidan was still the clear winner there.”

“If I took the same side it wouldn’t be a proper bet now, would it?” Itachi reasons evenly. “Besides, Deidara got to go first. Out of the two he was presented the earliest opportunity to let excitement get the better of him.”

“True,” Kisame concedes. “I could easily see him wanting to show her his ‘art’ or whatever and then accidentally blowing her up with it.” He smirks, languid. “Still, it looks like I was right this time.”

“There’s a first for everything, I suppose.”

Kisame just laughs. 

** BonusBonus ( ** alternate/cut scene):

(AKA if Hidan was actually fucking considerate and not a selfish ass. This is far too fluffy for him this early in the game but I couldn’t bring myself to delete it. Enjoy.)

The door to your room is still wide open. You can hear Hidan and Deidara still bickering inside, albeit at a much more reasonable volume than before. Great. Just perfect. Now you’ll have to find a way to kick them out. All you want to do is clean the sheets and go to bed. Why can’t they just leave you the hell alone for the rest of the night? You’ve already given them what they wanted!

You open your mouth to ask them as politely as you can to fuck off when you freeze in the doorframe, eyes widening in surprise.

Hidan’s just finishing up putting fresh linens on your bed; the new quilt snapping smartly in his hands as he shakes it out and throws it over the clean sheets covering the mattress. Deidara stands off to the side as he watches; arms crossed tight across his lean chest as he critiques Hidan’s technique.

Your mouth snaps shut, wind immediately leaving your proverbial sails.

As understandably pissed off as you obviously were, the sight of him making a genuine effort to make amends does wonders to quell your anger. You’d honestly thought you’d be handling the clean-up by yourself since neither of these men strike you as the caring, considerate type. If anything you’d expect them to stand in the doorway and taunt you while you work.

“Thank you,” you say, honestly, genuinely meaning it. Hidan and Deidara’s heads swivel around to face you; the former of whom blushes and looks away sheepishly.

“S’no problem, babe,” Hidan mumbles as he scratches at the back of his head. “After all it was my fuckin’ fault.”

Ooo. Admitting fault, apologizing for it, _and_ actively working to make up for the mess it caused? There may just be hope for this crude, vulgar frat-boy yet!

Deidara snorts. “He’s just afraid you won’t sleep with him any more if he doesn’t do something to make up for it, hm.”

“Shut the fuck up, blondie!” Hidan hisses as he whirls around and smacks Deidara across the arm. “Don’t worry about the dirty ones, babe,” he adds when you glance down at the pile of blood-soaked linens on the floor at the foot of the bed. “I’ll take care of those in a minute. Don’t want that blood to set because then it’ll be a _real_ bitch to get out.”

You don’t bother asking how he knows that, figuring you already have a pretty good idea.

“You’re just lucky the blood didn’t soak all the way to the mattress, yeah,” Deidara huffs as he rubs at his sore bicep. “That’d be even _worse_ to clean. And Kakuzu would absolutely rip you apart if he had to replace a brand new mattress.”

“I’m aware, you shitty two-pump-chump,” Hidan snarls as he bends over and gathers up the soiled sheets, pillow, and blanket. “You really think I’d forget after last time? I’m not _that_ fucking stupid!”

 _Last time?_ As curious as you are you quickly decide it’s best not to ask. You’re probably going to have nightmares tonight as it is. No need to add fuel to _that_ particular fire.

You step inside and out of the way as Hidan straightens with his bundle and starts heading towards the door, Deidara following a few steps behind him.

“Night, babe,” Hidan mumbles as he passes you.

“Night, un,” Deidara echoes as he follows the sadist out.

“Night, guys,” you call quietly after them down the hall. You gently shut the door behind them and lean against it, suddenly exhausted from the emotional whiplash.

_What the fuck have I gotten myself into?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I STAN SHITTY VIRGIN DEIDARA AND NONE OF YOU CAN FUCKING STOP ME!  
> (He will get better, though, I promise ;) )  
> (...Kakuzu will, too. ...Eventually, lol)
> 
> I know a lot of you were looking forward to Kisame. I promise you that his chapter is coming soon, my thirsty babes. I'm mostly finished writing it. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this wild ride! Hopefully I didn't scare TOO many of you off, lol. The next chapter will be much fluffier, I promise.
> 
> And as always thank you for reading! Stay safe and sane out there, my lovelies. Here's hoping for better times soon!


	5. Always Have Breakfast Before You Take Your Crazy Pills

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some fluff and humor to make up for that rough ending. Enjoy, my lovelies! :)

The shrill beeping of your alarm jolts you awake at 6:30 a.m. sharp.

You reach over and slap it off on reflex. 

  
There’s a brief moment of panic when you open your eyes and don’t recognize the room. The walls are far too clean and pristine to be those of your shit-hole apartment and the mattress under you is much, much softer than your old futon.

You glance over at the nightstand; a small, ripped package catching your attention. Squinting at it, you reach over and pick it up for a better look.

  
Condom package. Right. 

  
You’re the personal prostitute to a bunch of insane ninja criminals now.

Oh, and you almost died yesterday. 

  
Twice. 

  
Best not think about it.

  
You sit up and wince. Your tailbone is sore. Great. A perfect start to the day. 

  
You slide out of bed and stretch, yawning as you rub at your lower back to ease some of the ache. Luckily it’s just dull enough not to hinder you too much. You grab your shower caddy and open the door to poke your head out into the hall.

  
All clear.

  
You shuffle on to the bathroom and take care of your morning routine, glad for the quiet and privacy. After stopping by your room to change and drop off your caddy you head to the kitchen, hoping to get in a cup of tea before you have to start on breakfast.

  
You’re not the only one awake.

  
Luckily he’s not one of the…louder…personalities of this strange group. You’d hate to have to deal with Hidan or Deidara or (god and heaven forbid) Kakuzu this early in the morning. 

  
Itachi looks up from his mug as you scuffle through the door, face impassive. Somehow you’re not surprised to see him already groomed and fully dressed. You offer him a small, shy smile as you walk past the table. 

  
“Good morning,” you greet as you head to the stove.

  
“Too you as well,” he replies pleasantly before taking a sip from his drink. 

  
An easy lull follows as you go about gathering a mug and a tea packet. You glance through the selection of cheap bagged tea and settle on a strong black. You have a feeling you’re going to need the caffeine. 

  
The kettle is still warm and heavy when you grab it, water sloshing against the sides at the movement. 

  
“Is it okay if I use some of your water?” you ask Itachi, holding up the kettle for him to see over the counter. 

  
“That’s fine.” 

  
“Thanks.”

  
Another lull as you fill your cup. When you’re finished you shuffle over to the table and ease down into the chair across from him. It would feel rude and awkward to sit anywhere else. You take a long sip of your tea to steady your slight nerves. 

  
“So, uh, thanks again,” you say as you set your mug down. You stare into the dark liquid, unable to meet his eyes. “For yesterday, I mean.”

  
“You’re welcome.” His response is so simple, his tone so even when he says it. It’s like facing down a terrifying shinobi to save someone’s life is an everyday thing for him. Hell, maybe it is. You have no idea what this group does. Maybe he’s one of those rare nice mercenaries and this is just a group they all kick up too for mutual protection or something.

  
…Then again, that guy who almost choked you to death last night doesn’t exactly seem like he needs protecting.

  
You shudder.

  
“Is he always…like _that_?” you ask with a grimace. 

  
Itachi doesn’t need you to clarify. “Unfortunately yes. Kakuzu is one of the more…volatile members of our organization. It doesn’t take much to set him off. Though he does seem to have more patience on some days than others.”

  
You wince. “I…see.”

  
Itachi studies your face for a moment, quiet.

  
“Did Leader not warn you about the natures and temperaments of our members before bringing you here?” he asks as you’re taking another drink. 

  
“Sort of,” you answer after a moment. “He said that some of you are ‘rough around the edges’ and ‘prone to violent outbursts.’”

  
“And yet you took this job anyway?”

  
It’s an honest, genuine question; slightly confused and more than a little curious. It doesn’t really sound judgmental, but it still kind of feels like it.

  
You flush, gaze darting back down to your cup. “He said that you all were violent with each other. He assured me you wouldn’t be that way with me. When I asked how he could be so sure about it he said that you all knew he’d get very angry with you if you did,” you explain quietly, swirling your cup to give your nervous energy somewhere to go. “I…thought that would be enough to protect me. And I didn’t think it’d be this bad.” Your shoulders slump, face drooping. “I guess that was pretty stupid and naive, huh.”

  
“You were working with half-truths,” Itachi says, mouth drawn slightly flat. “Threat of retaliation, even from Leader, can only take you so far with a group like this. He knows that and intentionally concealed it from you.”

  
“I guess they knew no one would willingly take this position if they knew just how bad it was,” you answer, unable to keep a tinge of bitterness from seeping into your tone. “Still, I should have known better. Prostitution is dangerous work no matter who you’re doing it for. But I was impulsive and desperate and now here I am. Nothing for me to do but make the best of it, I guess. I sincerely doubt Leader would easily let me go now.” 

  
Itachi’s silence lets you know that you’re right. 

  
You sigh and take another swig of your tea. 

  
“…May I ask how they found you?” he asks when you set your mug back down.

  
“They put an ad in the paper.”

  
His lips twitch ever so slightly. You wonder if that’s his equivalent of a snort; maybe even a laugh. “May I ask what it said?”

  
You glance away, squinting at the wall as you recall it. “Wanted – live-in maid and companion for a small group of hopeless, lonely bachelors. Duties will include cooking, cleaning, and keeping said bachelors company.”

  
His lips twitch again, more obvious this time. “Hm,” he says as he takes a sip of his tea. “I’m surprised that got past the editor.”

  
“I know, right?!" you exclaim with a wave of your hand. "That’s exactly what _I_ thought!"

  
Another lip twitch. “They must have used genjutsu to persuade them.”

  
You snort. “Wish _I_ had ninja mind persuading powers. Woulda made finding a new job a whole hell of a lot easier.” 

  
Another lull follows as you both take a drink. You decide to change the subject. You can dwell on your past decisions later. Like when you’re lying in bed desperately trying to fall asleep. 

  
“So any suggestions on what I should make for breakfast?” you ask wryly. 

  
He shrugs. “I don’t have any particular preferences.” 

  
You give him a cheeky smile. “Aww, help a girl out here! Breakfast is my weakest meal game, you know. I’ve mostly been living on corn-flakes and cheerios up until now.” 

  
“…Omurice is fairly simple and easy to make.”

  
You glance away as you pretend to think about it.

“Hmm, yeah. I remember how to make that one. Omurice it is, then.” 

  
*

  
You chat amiably for a few more minutes while you finish your tea. You stick to simple, easy topics. Favorite tea blends, the books you’re reading, things like that. It’s nice.

  
Kisame and Deidara shuffle in just as you’re getting ready to start breakfast, both still in their pajama pants and looking sleep-mussed. It’s…honestly kind of adorable, really. It doesn’t hurt that they look much less threatening this way. 

  
“Morning guys,” you greet brightly as you dump the leftover rice from last night into an oiled pan with some diced chicken and veggies. You’d accidentally made too much since you’re not used to cooking for this many people just yet. You’d been planning on using it to make fried rice for dinner but there was no way you were going to deny Itachi his request. 

  
“Morning, un,” Deidara replies around a yawn. He plops down in the seat next to the one you just vacated, propping his elbow on the table and leaning his cheek against his fist as he struggles to fully wake up.

  
“Morning, sweetheart,” Kisame says as he strolls into the kitchen and opens the fridge. Besides his messy hair he looks decidedly more alert than his blond teammate. “Whatcha making?”

  
“Omelet rice,” you answer as you start stirring. 

  
“Sounds good,” Kisame says with a grin as he pulls out a carton of orange juice. It has his name on it, you notice. You wonder how common food theft was around here when everyone was still fending for themselves. You can see Hidan being both dumb and arrogant enough to try it.

  
“So, didja sleep okay?” Kisame asks as he pours himself a glass. 

  
“I slept surprisingly well, actually,” you answer with a small smile, pleased and surprised that’d he’d bothered to ask. Sure, it was most likely thanks to the adrenaline crash but you don’t feel the need to mention that part. “The beds here are a lot more comfortable than my old futon.” 

  
“That’s good, un,” you hear Deidara pipe up from the table. You can practically feel the smirk in his voice. “I have a feeling you’re going to be lying on them a lot.” 

  
You roll your eyes. “Well, sleep _does_ take up at least eight hours of my day,” you shoot back dryly as you add the ketchup. Kisame snickers. 

  
“That’s not the _only_ thing that’s going to be taking up your time, hm,” he tries again.

  
“Yeah, cooking and cleaning are pretty time consuming, too,” you say airily. You refuse to entertain half-assed innuendos. You barely tolerate _full_ -assed innuendos.

  
Kisame’s outright laughing now as he strolls back over to the table with his drink. 

  
“You need to get some better material, Deidara,” he teases as he sits down next to Itachi. “I don’t think she’s too impressed with your current line-up.”

  
“I’m still half asleep, yeah!” Deidara defends hotly.

  
“So? Even _Hidan_ comes up with better ‘jokes’ than that most of the time.”

  
“YOU TAKE THAT BACK!” 

  
The bickering continues as you move on to whisking the eggs for the omelets, snickering to yourself. Breakfast _and_ a show!

  
Hidan strolls in just as you’re pouring the first omelet into another skillet. Of course the first thing he does is park his happy ass right behind you to see what you’re cooking. 

  
"Never thought I'd wake up to breakfast during a 'morning after!'” he says instead of a proper greeting like a normal fucking person. “Looks almost as good as you did last night, babe!"

You feel a hard smack across your ass and before you can register just what the fuck you're doing you're whirling on him. A sharp slap rings through the kitchen as your palm makes contact with his stupid, handsome face; your own a bright, angry red.

The chatter in the dining room stops.

"Uh oh,” you hear Deidara snicker. “Now she's done it, un.”

It takes a second for what just happened to register. When it does Hidan looks almost as surprised as you do. He must really have had his guard down because there's no way in hell that hit should have landed with your comparatively shitty civilian reflexes. You stare each other down for a long moment, him in wide-eyed shock and you in wide-eyed horror.

This is it. This is how you die.

Stupidstupidstupid.

But then his shock melts into something much worse.

Lust.

 _Shit_.

His whole face positively darkens; pupils blowing wide as his lids drop to half-mast. His lips twitch up into a smirk that reminds you of the big bad wolves in all those fairytales your mom used to read to you when you were little. You know, the ones that were supposed to warn you AWAY from men like this.

  
“Do that again,” he husks lowly.

  
You falter, hand dropping slightly.

  
…But then you remember how much that gaping, bloody bite he gave you last night _really fucking hurt_ and suddenly you’re backhanding him like he owes you money. You’re honestly a little surprised when he doesn’t spit out any teeth. 

  
The resulting tent in his boxer-briefs is far too obvious to ignore.

"Oh, babe,” he purrs, leaning in far too close for comfort. “You don't know what the fuck you've just gotten yourself into.”

God, all you wanted to do was make breakfast.

You yelp as you're promptly scooped up and thrown over his shoulder, the spatula in your hand clattering to the floor as you instinctively grab at his back for balance. The fuckers not wearing a shirt, though, so all you really do is scrape dull white lines into his pale skin. He just shivers and smacks your ass again. Figures he'd get off on that, too. Kinky bastard.

"Hidan, you shithead, I'm trying to cook!" You spit as you half-heartedly pound your fists against his back. Your face grows hotter as you hear Kisame and Deidara start snickering. Immature brats.

Hidan just turns to head out of the kitchen, other arm wrapped firmly around your thighs to anchor them to his chest. "Well then you shouldn't have worked me up like this, babe! I can't eat with my dick this hard!"

The snickering turns into full-blown laughter. Maybe if you're lucky you'll finally just overheat and die.

Knowing there's no way out of this now, you turn to salvaging what you can.

"Can somebody at least turn off the stove, please?!" You call to the rest of the group as Hidan passes by the dining table with you still slung over his shoulder like a sack of rice. "I don't want the whole damn kitchen to burn down!"

You see Itachi push his chair back and stand just as your vision is blocked by the doorframe, the dull, narrow walls of the hallway coming into view.

"I should have fucking known you were into dishing out pain rather than taking it," Hidan muses as he makes his merry way towards your bedroom. "You sweet, innocent looking bitches are always the most secretly angry and repressed."

"Just don't treat me like a chew toy this time," you grump, already resigned to your fate.

"Oh, don't worry babe. I won't. Not unless you ask me to, anyway." You can't see his wolfish grin, but you can definitely hear it. You can definitely feel that stupid hand squeezing your ass, too.

Ah, well. This is still a hell of a lot better than retail.

He keeps good on his promise, sticking only to surprisingly gentle kisses. When it comes to himself, however, he demands you go all out. Luckily the bloody bites and deep red lines you scratch into his skin disappear mere seconds after you put them there; as fortunate as it is strange. You just chalk it up as a shinobi/chakra thing and don't even bother to ask. You actually come this time, too, thanks to you taking control and riding him. You just want your neck as far away from his mouth as possible as you bring him to his peak. You hope he won't get a big head about it but the shitty smirk/wink/ass slap combo he gives you as you're both getting dressed quickly dashes that hope against the rocks.

A mere 20 minutes after you were kidnapped you're both shuffling back into the dining room; looking a little rumpled but otherwise no worse for wear.

You're about to head into the kitchen to finish cooking when you notice everyone is already eating. There are even plates already set out for you and Hidan. Your brow furrows, lips tilting down slightly in confusion.

"Who cooked?" You ask as you glance around the table.

"Itachi did," Kisame answers after a swallow.

You give your surprisingly considerate "roommate" a genuine smile. "Thank you, Itachi."

Itachi just shrugs, face impassive. It's amazing how he manages to make even that gesture look strangely elegant. "I just finished up what you had already started."

"Wait, you could cook this whole damn time?!" Hidan spouts as he plops down in his usual seat next to Deidara. You settle into the same chair you used last night; the open one next to Kisame.

"Is that really so surprising?" Itachi replies coolly, dark eyes flicking over to the sadomasochist. "Just because you lack crucial life skills doesn't mean everyone else does as well."

"Well why didn't you fucking do it before now?!" Hidan huffs as he digs into his food. "Woulda been nice to eat something besides that shitty cup ramen every damn day."

"I did," Itachi says smoothly as he brings his tea mug to his lips. "Just not for you."

Hidan snorts; bits of rice flying from his mouth and landing on the table. You just barely resist the urge to reach over it and smack him. You'd like to at least finish breakfast first before you're dragged into your next "romantic" encounter, after all.

"Fair enough, asshole," Hidan concedes with a good-natured grin.

"Well, getting laid has certainly put YOU in a good mood," Deidara snorts as he grabs his glass of milk.

"Damn straight!" Hidan retorts with a wink in your direction. You just roll your eyes.

"Speaking of which, I think we need to lay down a ground rule," you throw in as you set down your chopsticks for a moment. All eyes turn to look at you, curious.

You clear your throat, face flushing.

"No dragging me away for hanky-panky while I'm cooking. It's counter-productive."

Kisame chokes, blue hand flying to his mouth to keep from spewing his breakfast all over the dining table. Itachi slaps his partner's back with his free hand, not even bothering to look up from his food. Hidan and Deidara both look mildly alarmed but not enough to stop eating.

"'Hanky-panky?'" Kisame rasps a moment later after managing to swallow down the bite in his mouth. "Really, sweetheart?"

"What?!" You spit, crossing your arms as your face flushes hotter. "What's wrong with it?!"

"Don't you think it's a bit...immature?" He asks with a smirk as he grabs his water glass and takes a big drink. He continues talking after he sets it back down. "After all, if it's going to become a regular thing around here shouldn't you be comfortable with calling it what it is?"

You roll your eyes and sigh, face burning hotter than the sun. "Ugh. Fine. No dragging me away for SEX while I'm cooking. Happy now?"

Kisame's smirk widens. "Close to it, sweetheart."

As you grab up your chopsticks to continue eating something hits you. You glance around the table, taking stock of the others. Leader's, Konan's, Sasori's, Zetsu's, and Kakuzu's absences were all explained to you yesterday but that still leaves one missing.

"Where's Tobi by the way?" You ask, gaze settling on no one in particular. You'd have figured the hyperactive goofball would be one of the first ones in the kitchen.

"He hasn't come out of his room yet, un," Deidara replies with a shrug.

You quirk a brow at him. "And no one thought to check on him?"

"...No? Why would we, hm?"

  
Figures. 

  
“Which room is his?” you ask as you set down your chopsticks.

  
“The one to the left of yours,” Itachi answers evenly. 

  
You sigh and push your chair back to stand. "I'll be right back."

  
Wide-eyed, surprised gazes follow you all the way out of the room. 

  
A moment later, you’re knocking softly on Tobi’s door.

  
“Tobi? Are you in there?”

  
“_________? Is that you?” you hear from the other side. His voice sounds a bit rough and raspy. You frown.

  
“Yeah, it’s me. Are you feeling alright? I noticed you didn’t come out for breakfast.”

  
You hear a low, muffled groan through the door. “Tobi doesn’t feel so good…”

  
“Is it alright if I come in? Maybe I can help.”

  
A beat of silence, then-

  
Shuffling. A moment later the lock clicks and the door cracks open, Tobi’s bright orange mask greeting you on the other side. 

  
“You’re really okay with helping Tobi?” he rasps.

  
You give him a soft, reassuring smile. “Of course I’m okay with it! I wouldn’t have offered if I wasn’t.”

  
“…Okay.”

  
He shuffles back over to the bed and you follow him in. He turns the lamp on his nightstand on as he clambers under the covers, bathing the dim room in soft light. You shut the door as you glance around curiously. 

  
His room is even more barren than yours. Only the same basic furniture takes up the space, not a single personal artifact to be seen. It’s…strange. Maybe he just doesn’t spend a lot of time here?

  
Tobi sighs as he settles in, drawing your attention back to him. 

  
“So what hurts?” you ask gently as you move to stand by his bedside. You wish you could feel his forehead but that’s not exactly possible with his mask. And you doubt he’d remove it even if you ask. 

  
“My tummy…” he groans, curling into a fetal position and holding his abdomen. “Tobi spent most of the night making friends with the toilet. He’s also all hot and sweaty.”

  
You frown, propping your hands on your hips. “It sounds like you got food poisoning from that raw cookie dough you ate yesterday.” You refuse to say ‘I told you so’ but the message is still heavily implied.

  
“_______ was right. Tobi shouldn’t have eaten it.”

  
You close your eyes and sigh. He just sounds so miserable and looks so helpless you can’t find it in yourself to stay even slightly irritated at him. 

  
“It happens to the best of us,” you say softly. “I’ll go make something to help settle your stomach. Hang tight, okay?” 

  
Tobi just nods. 

  
All eyes are immediately back on you as you shuffle through the dining room; watching with curious interest as you make your way back into the kitchen.

You ignore them as you grab the kettle and fill it from the sink before setting it on the stove to heat. They remain quiet up until you pull out the dashi stock and miso paste and set them on the counter before going to grab a pot.

  
Not surprisingly, Hidan is the first to break the silence. 

  
“…Why the hell are you making soup?” 

  
“Tobi’s not feeling well,” you answer simply as you pour the stock into the pot to heat. 

  
Also not surprising, he gets a shitty little smirk on his face. You briefly wonder how on earth he’s survived this long when his lone brain cell seems determined to devote all its energy to turning everything into a shitty innuendo. 

  
“Well if you’re into playing nurse _I’ve_ got a little something for you to look at…” he trails off with a raise of his silver brows.

  
“I swear to god if anything involving the words ‘boo-boo’ and/or ‘kiss better’ comes out of your mouth I’m going to go starfish on you for the next two months,” you deadpan, not having any of his shit. 

  
Kisame and Deidara bust into raucous laughter, their fists banging on the table as they hunch over it and cackle. Strangely, Hidan just looks mildly surprised. 

  
“Damn, bitch, can you read my fuckin’ mind or something? Cuz’ you keep fuckin’ doin’ it,” he asks, sounding more confused than angry.

  
“It’s not like there’s much there _to_ read, yeah!” Deidara taunts with a mean grin.

  
“And what little there is is on a third-grade level,” Kisame adds with his own vicious smirk. 

  
“You’re in an awfully generous mood today, Kisame,” Itachi deadpans over his tea mug. “Clearly he’s second-grade _at best_.”

  
“FUCK YOU GUYS!” Hidan shouts, hands clenching into tight fists as he glares them all down. “I’LL HAVE YOU ASSHOLES KNOW THAT I TESTED AT FIFTH-FUCKING-GRADE LEVEL LAST I FUCKING CHECKED!”

  
Deidara and Kisame just start laughing even harder, arms wrapping around their middles as they choke and wheeze. You turn back to the stove, grateful that all the noise they’re making hides your own snickers. 

  
Luckily bickering among themselves keeps them preoccupied enough that they leave you alone to finish making everything. You fill a large mug with green tea and sweeten it with honey before putting it on a small tray next to a steaming bowl of miso, humming lowly to yourself the whole time. You cut up an apple as some bread toasts, grab some stomach medicine from the last cabinet, and add it all to the tray. As an afterthought, you add a large glass of water and a straw, too. The bickering dies down as you make your way back towards the bedrooms with your haul; surprised, curious gazes following you once more.

Clearly compassion is a rarity around here.

  
You carefully shift the tray to balance on one arm as you once again knock on Tobi’s door. “Tobi? I’m back.”

  
“Come in.”

  
You do, kicking the door closed behind you with your foot. 

  
Tobi sits up as you set the tray over his lap. He tilts his head at it, then looks at you. 

  
“You made all this for _me_?” He sounds so surprised, like he can’t fully believe it. It breaks your heart a little. 

  
“It’s on your lap, isn’t it?” you tease with a grin. “It’s what my mom would always make me whenever I was sick.” 

  
“Your mom sounds really nice!”

  
Your grin falters. “Yeah. In some ways she really was.”

  
You move on before he can ask. You’re really not in the mood to discuss your family drama. 

  
“Anyway, the most important thing is to stay hydrated. As long as you do that and get plenty of rest you’ll feel better in no time. You may even be up and about by this evening!” 

  
“Thank you ________,” Tobi says quietly. “This…was very kind of you.”

  
You wave your hand dismissively, a little embarrassed. “Eh, it’s no problem. I’ll go get you a barf bucket and then I’ll leave you alone to rest.”

  
“Barf bucket??” 

  
His slightly squicked-out tone makes you snicker. “Yeah. A bucket you can barf into. Unless you _want_ to keep running to the bathroom every time you have to puke?” 

  
“…No thank you.”

  
You grin. “Alright. Be right back.”

  
The cleaning supplies/linen closet at the end of the hall has exactly what you’re looking for. You grab the oldest looking bucket and head back to Tobi’s room. 

  
“Thank you again,” he says as you set it on the floor next to his bed. 

  
“Don’t worry about it,” you hum as you go to leave. You pause with your hand on the handle, door still open a crack as you look back at him. “I’ll come back by in a few hours to check on you again, okay?”

  
He nods. You smile and shut the door. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on a trip with family in a cabin that has no wifi and bad reception so I may take a little longer to get back on comments than usual but I promise I will get back! As always thank you for reading and I hope you guys have a great week/weekend!


	6. The Second Quickest Way to a Man's Heart

Not surprisingly, you’re the last one to finish your breakfast.

It’s cold by the time you get back. You pop it in the microwave as the others take their leave, setting their empty plates in the sink before they head off to do their own thing. You finish eating and then start on washing the dishes. It’s almost surreal how mundane it all is after that huge mess last night. Hopefully all of that was just a one-off thing.

…Even though you sincerely doubt that it was.

The clatter of a plate being set on the granite countertop next to you nearly gives you a heart attack. You’re immediately ripped from your thoughts, head whipping to the side just in time to see a tan, stitched-up arm pulling back. You freeze, heart pounding.

Kakuzu.

And he doesn’t leave right away.

You can still feel his presence behind you, tall and intimidating. You don’t look back. You can’t.

Hunching in on yourself, you double down on scrubbing the skillet in the sink, fingers squeezing so tight around the steel wool pad they ache. You’re determined not to do or say anything to him. The last thing you want to do is set him off.

Finally, after a long, tense minute, he snorts and turns to leave. You watch him pass through the hall doorway out of your peripherals. Only after another minute, when you’re sure he’s not coming back, do you finally relax.

God that guy is scary.

You drain the water and wipe your hands dry on a hand towel when you’re finished. Welp, best get started on cleaning the rest of it. You head to the bedroom hall closet to gather the supplies.

Hidan’s in the kitchen when you return, downing a glass of water like he just swallowed all the sand in the Suna desert.

“S’up babe?” he asks as he refills his glass from the sink. You watch as he downs that, too, mildly impressed that he can drink that fast without choking.

“Just getting ready to clean the kitchen,” you reply with no small amount of amusement. “Are you okay? You drank that water like you just crawled out of the desert.”

“Ehh, I just got this nasty fuckin’ taste in my mouth is all,” he answers as he sets the glass down on the counter. “I think it’s this stupid fucki-”

He suddenly hunches over and grabs at his chest, skin going pallor as he breaks out into a thin sheet of sweat. He’s breathing like he just ran a marathon and can’t catch his breath.

“Hidan?!” you ask in alarm as he sinks to his knees. You’re by his side in a heartbeat, dropping your bucket of cleaning supplies to crouch down in front of him and press a hand to his forehead. His skin is clammy, cool and damp under your palm. You run through his symptoms in your mind, comparing them to the few major things you know to look out for. Everything about this screams heart attack but that doesn’t make any sense because he’s young and in good shape.

He gasps something you don’t catch.

“Don’t talk, just focus on breathing,” you tell him firmly as you gently urge him with your hands to sit back properly. “I’m going to go get Sasori, okay? Just hang tight.”

He gasps something again but you ignore it as you stand back up; sprinting towards the bedrooms before he can say anything else.

When you get there you suddenly remember that you have no idea which room is Sasori’s.

So you improvise.

“SASORI!” you shout as loud as you can down the hall. “SASORI, HIDAN NEEDS YOUR HELP!”

Nothing. No one else even pokes their head out to scold you or see what’s going on.

You’re gearing up to yell again when the door next to Kakuzu’s cracks open and the pretty redheaded man from last night steps out, eyes lidded in passive indifference as he looks at you.

“Oh thank god! I think Hidan’s having a heart attack! He’s in the kitchen!” you ramble out in quick succession. You don’t give him a chance to answer as you whirl on your heel and take off back towards the kitchen, assuming in good faith that he’ll follow.

Hidan’s lying dead still on the ground when you get there.

“Shit!” you hiss loudly as you scramble over and drop down to your knees next to him. Thankfully he’s already on his back so you don’t have to turn him over. You quickly adjust his head so that his face is turned towards the ceiling before leaning in to look, listen, and feel for breathing, your ear a hairsbreadth from his lips as you fix your gaze on his pale chest.

No breathing. Shit.

You press your fingers to the pulse point in his neck.

No pulse, either.

Shitshitshit.

You immediately go into CPR mode, crushing any panic you feel under your instinctive training.

Tilting his head back, you open his mouth and give him two rescue breaths, watching his chest to make sure they go in.

They do. You immediately start on compressions, arms going stiffly straight as you press your hands flat one on top of the other over the center of his chest. Two inches deep, 30 compressions in quick succession making sure his chest springs back fully after each one.

“SASORI!” you screech before you go in to give Hidan two more rescue breaths. “SASORI!” you scream again right after. Where the hell is he?! You thought he was right behind you!

“Stop screaming. I’m right here,” the man in question says flatly as he steps through the hall entryway and leisurely makes his way over to stand in front of you. He looks almost bored as he watches you start on compressions again. “Manual chest compressions? Tch. How primitive.”

You glare up at him briefly before focusing on Hidan again. “Civilians don’t exactly have magical chakra powers. We have to make do.” 

He snorts. “It’s not magic. It’s _skill._ One shinobi work very hard to hone.”

Two more rescue breaths. “Okay well can you please use that skill to help me here?” you spit as you press your hands back to Hidan’s chest. 

“I don’t have to.”

You falter briefly, hands not pressing quite as deep as they need to on a compression. “Then why are you here?! Do you get off on watching people struggle?!” It’s getting harder to talk. CPR is surprisingly tiring physical work.

His lips twitch up into a small, cruel smirk. “As enjoyable as it is that’s not what I meant. Hidan doesn’t need my help.”

“The hell do you mean?!” you gasp as you come back up from another round of rescue breaths. “He’s got no pulse and he’s not breathing!”

“Sometimes it takes a few minutes for his heart to restart as his body works through the poison,” Sasori explains evenly. “It doesn’t happen very often, though. Only a particularly potent blend will do this to him.”

In your panicked rescue-mode your frantic brain hones in on only one of those words.

“He was poisoned?!” you pant as you continue to compress his chest. “How do we cure him?!”

Sasori gives you a look that is somehow both flat and yet deeply judgmental. “Did you not hear anything else I just said? His body will work it out on its own.”

As if on cue, the man below you takes a deep, shuddering breath and groans. You freeze, palms still flat against his chest as you stare down at his face with wide eyes. His fingers twitch as he lifts his hands and cups them over yours, magenta eyes cracking open to look up at you as a shitty smirk slides across his lips.

“If you wanted to touch me all you had to do was ask, babe,” he rasps. “No need to wait ‘til I’m dead. …Unless you’re into that.”

“You asshole! I was trying to help you!” you spit, tugging your hands away. “And what the fuck just happened?! Your heart stopped and you weren’t breathing! I thought you were actually dead!”

“Awww, you already care about me this much?” he teases as he sits up and rests his forearms across his thighs. “It’s only been two days! I know my dick is good but I didn’t know it was _that_ good!”

Your face flushes, half in anger half in embarrassment. “It was on impulse! I would have helped anybody who collapsed in front of me like that!” It’s true. You absolutely would have.

He snorts, smirk widening into a grin. “Are you always this much of a fucking tsundere? It’s cute.”

“I am not a goddamn tsundere!” you shout with an exasperated wave of your hands. “I’m just a nice person who was thrown into some seriously stupid, crazy bullshit! My reactions are perfectly fucking reasonable!”

“As sickeningly sweet as this is, I came here for a reason and you two are wasting my time,” Sasori cuts in dryly. “Hidan, report.”

“Well, it gave me a fucking heart attack,” Hidan answers with a wince, hand moving to subconsciously rub over his sternum. “My heart stopped completely two minutes after it started. Took about fifteen to fully kick in, so about seventeen to ‘kill’ me overall.”

Sasori nods, taking mental notes. “I’ll have to tweak it, then. Seventeen minutes is far too long.”

Your gaze slides from Hidan to Sasori and back again, putting the pieces together until they click.

“Wait, _you_ were the one who poisoned him?!” you ask incredulously, looking back up at Sasori. He just gives you a flat look.

“Of course I’m the one who poisoned him,” he replies like it’s the most normal, obvious thing in the world and you’re an idiot for not getting it sooner. “He agreed to it as part of our deal. In exchange for healing you he’s testing my new blends.” 

“You _agreed_ to be poisoned?!” you spit, voice pitching higher as you turn wide, disbelieving eyes back to Hidan. What’s more, it’s clear by the familiar way they’re talking about it that this is not the first time they’ve made this particular deal. Are all shinobi this fucking insane?! 

“I did it for you, babe!” he brags with a wink.

“As much as I appreciate it _how are you not dead?!_ ” you low-key screech.

He shrugs, like deliberately taking deadly poisons and casually living through them is just another Sunday for him. “I can’t die, babe. I’m immortal.”

Your brain finally short circuits. You swear you can feel smoke coming out of your ears.

“You’re immortal,” you repeat flatly, face blanking.

“Pretty much, yeah!” he replies cheerfully. “The only things that can kill me are malnutrition and starvation.”

“He really is the perfect guinea pig,” Sasori muses. “I don’t have to monitor him to gage the effects of my work. He can just report them back to me. Unfortunately it seems like that’s all he’s really good for around here.”

“FUCK YOU, DICK SPLINTERS!”

Your mind is still reeling; working a mile a minute as it desperately tries to catch up. So right now you’re in the company of a supposed living puppet and a self-proclaimed immortal. What the fuck. 

“How?” you ask, grabbing Hidan’s bicep to get his attention. “How are you immortal?” Surely he’s bullshitting you. Sure, you just watched him survive a poison-induced heart attack and sit up after his heart had literally stopped but surely that’s explainable! He must have used that fancy green healing chakra on himself or something! Or maybe your CPR actually worked!

His wide, maniacal grin instantly makes you regret asking.

“It’s a gift from Jashin!” he proclaims proudly, sitting up straighter and looking downright smug.

“Jashin?” you question, brows furrowing. You’ve never heard of him. Is he another shinobi or something?

“ _Don’t_ get him started,” Sasori sharply cuts in just as Hidan opens his mouth to explain. “That’s his god. That’s all you need to know.”

Hidan scowls. “Don’t you fuckin’ _dare_ disrespect Him like that you shitty fucking heathen!” he snarls, baring his teeth. “There’s a shit-ton more to know about the great Lord Jashin!”

“And you can tell her all about it later when your favor to me is fully repaid,” Sasori replies coolly as he crosses his arms and stares Hidan down with flat, lidded eyes. Clearly he’s not very impressed by the zealot’s little outburst. “Preferably when I’m not around to hear it. Now get up. I still have three more blends for you to test out.”

Hidan rolls his eyes and sighs. “Ugh, fucking fine,” he huffs as he pushes himself to his feet. “I just hope none of them are that nasty fucking nerve gas. Shit’s the fucking _worst_.”

Sasori smirks but doesn’t say anything more as he turns and heads back towards his room. Hidan pouts and crosses his arms as he sulks along behind him. 

You sit on the floor a moment longer, staring blankly at the archway they just left through. After a long, quiet minute to pull your shit together you sigh heavily and get to your feet.

You need a goddamn drink.

* 

As it turns out there is absolutely no alcohol in the base. At least there’s none in the kitchen, anyway.

Considering the company you currently keep you’re sure it’s absence is entirely on purpose. These guys are insane while completely sober. You shudder to think of what they’d be like with booze thrown into the mix.

So you do the next best thing and take a break. It’s a gorgeous day outside so you take it out there, lying down in one of the few patches of early green grass with your hands propped behind your head. It’s still a little chilly but the weak March sun shining on your skin makes it tolerable. You’re going to itch like crazy for this later but at the moment you don’t really care. You need to be out of that nuthouse.

You’d always thought your parents were just being paranoid whenever they warned you to stay away from shinobi. The rare few that passed through your small hometown had seemed normal enough. Some of them were even _nice_. Like the ones that saved your mom and you when you were born.

 _“That’s different,”_ your parents would say whenever you reminded them. _“They’re medic nin. They’re not dangerous. They’re not killers.”_

It always made you wonder. Surely people with such a deep, intimate knowledge of human anatomy and skilled, chakra-wielding hands were more than capable of killing someone with them. Then again, just because they _could_ doesn’t necessarily mean they _would_. Maybe they really were just peaceful, wandering medics out to see the world and save random civilians.

The fact that they were two unarmed, unguarded women makes you seriously doubt it, though.

Still, whether or not they had ever killed doesn’t really matter in the end. They had saved your lives and for that they have both you and your parents’ eternal admiration and gratitude.

…As well as a free lifetime supply of your father’s famous sake whenever they come back through town. The older woman of the two had seemed particularly pleased with that little perk. She always took full advantage of it, much to the younger’s chagrin. The memories make you smile.

Your parents were right about one thing, though. They are definitely _very_ different from the shinobi you currently room and board with. Maybe this group is just particularly strange and scary even by ninja standards. It’s too bad you don’t really have any others to compare them to. A gage for the crazy would be nice. 

_If only my parents could see me now,_ you think with a wry sort of bitterness. _Feeding and fucking men who could probably kill me with a single finger._ _…Or, more accurately, a single bite. I’m sure they’d be SO proud…_

If you were capable of going back in time and telling your teenage self that she’d eventually end up being bed-buddies with men who have mouths on their hands and who casually poison each other for practice she wouldn’t have believed you. In fact, she’d probably seek therapy to avoid whatever the hell would turn her into, well, _you_. And you wouldn’t blame her.

A shadow suddenly darkens your vision, a familiar blond figure stepping into view to block out the sun. 

“What are you up to, hm?” Deidara teases as he smirks down at you.

“Contemplating every major life decision I’ve made up to this point,” you reply flatly, staring past him at the clouds.

“…And how’s that going for you, un?”

“Ehh, you know,” you answer, waving your hand in a ‘so-so’ motion before tucking it back under your head. “Some regret. A healthy pinch of cringe. Actually, scratch that. A LOT of regret and a boat-load of cringe.”

He laughs, loud and genuine. “A life well lived, then,” he jokes with a grin.

You snort. “I just wish it was the _interesting_ kind of regret and cringe. Overbearing parents and boring retail jobs don’t exactly make for good stories.”

He hums, grin softening to a cute, cheeky smile. “Stick with us long enough and you’ll have plenty of stories, yeah. From the sounds of it you should already have at _least_ a couple.”

“That’s true,” you concede dryly. “Within the first 24 hours alone I survived a brush with death and watched another guy come back from it. You all sure know how to keep a lady entertained.”

He laughs again. You hate that you could get used to that sound.

“I suppose it’s only fair, hmm,” he says, visible eye sparkling with mirth. “Considering how well you’ve been ‘entertaining’ _us,_ yeah.” Was that a wink or a blink? It’s hard to tell with his other eye hidden by his hair like that.

You roll your eyes but don’t say anything. You’re pretty sure you’ve already reached your tolerance capacity for shitty innuendos for the rest of the year. Unfortunately it looks like it will soon be forcibly expanded.

“…Mind if I join you?” he asks, motioning towards the spot next to you.

You shrug, surely adding even more grass stains to your poor tee shirt. “Yeah, sure, why not. We can lie here and have an existential crisis together.”

He smirks as he settles down next to you close enough that your hips touch, sitting upright and wrapping his arms around his bent knees. “That’s not _all_ I want to do together, un…”

Aaaand there’s the other shoe. You fucking knew it. You just barely restrain the urge to roll your eyes again. This is exactly what you signed up for, after all.

“I don’t want to do it out here on the grass,” you answer flatly, standing up and brushing yourself off. “Let’s go back inside.”

Not surprisingly, his technique has not improved at all from last night. He’s still too fast, too sloppy, too jerky. Your mind starts to wander as you lie there and let him get it out of his system. You were already planning on making grilled ham and cheese sandwiches and miso soup for lunch, but you’re still not quite sure what to make for dinner. There’s some hamburger meat and mushrooms in the fridge so hamburger steak maybe? Or maybe something with plenty of vegetables would be better since they were lacking in the lunch area…

If Deidara notices your disinterest he doesn’t say or do anything to address it. After all of five minutes he’s groaning, burying himself to the hilt before his hips go still.

Welp, there he goes. At least now you can get back to cleaning the kitchen. After getting cleaned up and dressed he leaves you with a clumsy, sloppy parting ‘kiss’.

You manage to clean, vacuum, and mop not only the kitchen but the living room, too, before you have to stop to start on lunch. As the guys are all filing in to take their seats you make another mug of tea and take it along with a sandwich and another bowl of soup to Tobi.

“Tobi heard you yelling for Sasori earlier,” he says as you’re gathering up his old tray. “Is everything alright?” he asks with a tilt of his head.

You sigh. “Yeah, relatively, I guess. Apparently Hidan agreed to test Sasori’s poisons and one of them gave him a heart attack. He’s alright now, though. Physically, at least.”

Tobi giggles. “Oh, well I’m glad it’s nothing more serious. Hidan may not be the smartest guy around but he’s pretty sturdy!”

God shinobi really are a different breed of cat. You wish you could consider heart attacks ‘nothing serious.’

“Yeah, he seems to be. Anyway, is there anything else you need before I go?” you ask as you stop near the door.

“No thank you!” he chirps, already sounding much better than earlier. “Tobi’s already feeling much better thanks to you! He may even be able to join you all for dinner!”

You smile. “Hopefully so! I’ll come back by if I don’t see you at the table.”

And with that promise you’re out the door.

Lunch is the usual affair. That is to say full of jibes and bickering. For the most part you’re content to just watch and listen until something occurs to you.

“Hey, uh, guys, quick question,” you ask, raising your hand to get their attention. They all stop and look at you, curious. “Do any of you have any food allergies I need to watch out for? I’m sorry I forgot to ask yesterday.”

Hidan and Deidara raise their eyebrows in surprise, glancing at each other before looking back at you.

“I don’t have any,” Deidara answers after a moment. “At least I don’t think so, hm.”

“Me neither, babe,” Hidan follows with a grin. “And even if I did it’s not like it could fuckin’ kill me anyway!” He finishes with a borderline maniacal laugh.

“Right…” you glance at Kisame and Itachi sitting next to you. “What about you two?”

“I’m good, sweetheart,” Kisame answers with a toothy smile.

Itachi just shakes his head.

“Does Kakuzu have any that you all are aware of?” you ask out of courtesy. You’re sure as hell not going to go ask him yourself.

 _Hell, maybe I shouldn’t have bothered asking at all. It’d only serve that bastard right for him to suffocate to death,_ you think bitterly.

Guilt immediately follows. _Girl, don’t you DARE sink to his level. You’re better than that._

Hidan snorts, sending breadcrumbs all over your clean goddamn table. “If he did I’m pretty sure it would have fuckin’ killed him by now. Fuckers old as fuck.”

Ah, yes. Of course a man clearly in his mid 30s at most would seem ancient to a mentally stunted twenty year old.

“Cool,” you say turning back to your soup. “Good to know.” 

Surprisingly, the rest of the day passes by without incident. Nothing blows up, no one else has a heart attack and/or dies, and no one tries to fucking kill you. You manage to clean the rest of the base without someone interrupting you to ‘tango.’ Tobi even feels well enough to come out for dinner, much to your relief and most everyone else’s displeasure. Honestly, yeah, he’s weird but he’s not _that_ bad. At least he’s not an unbearably smug fuckboy who constantly throws innuendoes into every godforsaken conversation like someone _else_ you’re all forced to deal with.

…And who somehow, without fail, manages to spew food particles all over your _clean goddamn table every fucking meal._

Asshole.

After all the bullshit you’ve been through in the last two days you think you’ve more than earned a nice, long soak in the tub.

You sigh as you sink into the hot water, muscles instantly relaxing. God, it feels amazing. You haven’t gotten to soak in a bath or hot spring since you moved into your former apartment over two years ago. Mr. Fujita, being the cheap, shitty bastard that he is, only had pay-to-use communal showers installed in the building. The local sento cost more money to use and you never really had much spare cash.

You took your shower earlier than usual in order to have the bathroom all to yourself. Even though you’re going to be getting…intimate…with these guys that doesn’t mean you don’t still want your privacy every now and then. You’re still the only lady in a house full of men, after all.

You close your eyes and sink down lower into the tub, more than ready to blissfully soak the next hour away. 

“Well now, _this_ is a nice surprise…”

You jolt, water sloshing loudly as you immediately cross your legs and wrap your arms around your breasts on instinct.

Then your eyes land on who it is that just waltzed in and you tense; every little hair on your body standing on end.

_Kakuzu._

He snorts, red-green eyes narrowing at you in…amusement? Judgment? You’re not really sure. Still, you don’t let your guard down.

“Why the hell are you covering yourself?” he asks as he strolls over and sits down at one of the wash stations with his own shower caddy. “You’re here to serve as a lot more than just a pretty decoration, girlie. Better get used to being naked around us.”

 _It was on instinct, asshole!_ You refrain from biting back. You’re not going to talk to this psycho unless you absolutely have too. In fact, you’re just going to cut this whole thing short. It’s unfortunate, but you can always try again later. Preferably when he’s not here or when there’s someone else to act as a buffer.

You hop out of the tub and grab your near-by towel, wrapping it around your torso before grabbing your things. You don’t even bother to put on your robe before you start heading towards the exit.

“Woman,” he barks as you’re passing by. You freeze in the archway, every muscle in your body tense enough to shatter as you turn your head to face him.

“As long as you’re here I figure I might as well use you,” he continues when he has your attention. He smirks. “Get my moneys’ worth and all that. I’ll be calling on you for your ‘services’ soon. Better get used to the idea now.”

Throat going tight, you nod. Then you’re out of there.

You lock yourself in your room for the rest of the night. Or, at least you _try_ to. Hidan and Deidara both drop by for one last round each before you’re finally, blessedly, left alone. Hopefully your ‘novelty’ will wear off with them soon and they’ll become a bit more manageable.

Then again, considering their ages, this may very well just become your new ‘normal.’

You sigh as you crawl into bed with a book, desperate to unwind before trying to sleep.

At least your books don’t try to kill you or fuck you.

_Small mercies._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...the first being straight through his chest. ;) I know this chapter is a little short but next week's will be long (may actually split it in half but will upload both chapters) and will include everyone's favorite fishman! I know you guys are thirsty for him so I promise I won't keep you waiting much longer lol. 
> 
> Also, I am now working with a beta! I have some big plans for this story and need some help getting everything together so here's a big shout-out and thank you to Arik Senih! I really appreciate everything! :)
> 
> As always thank you for reading and stay safe!


	7. Don't Touch the Puppet

Itachi’s in the kitchen again when you head in for your morning tea, already groomed and dressed just like yesterday. Hm. Must be used to getting up early.

You grin at him as he looks up. “We meet again,” you joke as you pass by him.

His lips twitch. “So it would seem.”

“Is it okay if I use your water again?” you ask from the kitchen, holding up the still-heavy kettle over the counter.

“That’s fine. You do not have to keep asking.” He doesn’t sound irritated, he’s just simply letting you know.

“Thanks.”

You fall into a lull as you fix your tea. A strong black just like yesterday.

And just like yesterday you settle down into the seat across from him. You fidget a little, staring down into your cup as you think. This is obviously a habit for him. Hell, it’s probably the only real quiet time he gets to himself around here. You can’t help but feel like you’re intruding on it.

“So, uh…” you pause to take a sip as he looks up at you with those dark, passive eyes. “Is this, like, _okay_?”

His brow furrows ever so slightly. “What do you mean?”

You sigh and glance down into your tea again. “Is it okay that I’m sitting with you? I don’t want to intrude on your quiet time or anything. God knows it’s hard enough to get around here.”

His lips twitch, brow smoothing. “I do not mind.”

“Are you sure?” you push. You don’t want him to give this up just for the sake of being polite. “Because I can totally start taking my tea into the living room or something. I’d totally understand.”

“I appreciate your consideration but I really don’t mind,” he says with a surprisingly soft look. “You are hardly one of the more…taxing…members to be around.”

Your face flushes. His soft look combined with his strange pseudo-compliment is doing weird, bubbly things to your stomach. Probably because you haven’t had breakfast yet. Yeah, that’s definitely it. It has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he’s a sweet, handsome badass. Nope nope nope.

“So how are you settling in?” he asks before taking a sip from his mug.

You wince a little, taking a swig from your own drink as you consider how to answer. “All things considered? Pretty okay, I guess. Though Hidan and Deidara are already running me ragged.”

Another lip twitch. “I find that unsurprising.”

You snort. You may not know much about this weird little group just yet but from what you’ve seen of their personalities so far the blond bombshell and the filthy-minded frat-boy definitely seem like the two most likely members to make the most use of your “services.”

“Yeah. Honestly thank god for lube because without it Deidara would have given me intra-vaginal rug-burn by now.” You immediately slap a hand over your mouth, eyes going huge as your face flushes in embarrassment. “Oh my god I am _so sorry_! That was probably _way_ TMI!”

His lips twitch again, obviously amused. “It was. But it’s fine.”

“ _Please_ don’t tell him I said that!” you beg, slapping your hands together like you’re praying to the god of forgiveness as you look at him with big, pleading eyes. “I probably just broke, like, every single rule on client confidentiality!”

He actually _smiles_ this time; a small, barely-there thing you would have missed if you weren’t staring right at him. “Don’t worry. I won’t. Your secret is safe with me.” 

You visibly deflate in relief, sinking down into your chair as all your tension leaves you through a heavy sigh. “Thank you. I _really_ don’t want anyone else mad at me.”

The conversation moves on to simpler topics; mostly books this time. You ask him for some recommendations since the few you brought with you are getting rather stale. As much as you love them there’s only so many times you can read the same stories over and over again without losing a little of your mind.

“So what do you recommend for breakfast this time? I’m drawing blank,” you ask as the time nears for you to start on it. You have a feeling that this little dance will quickly become a new routine.

He glances away for a moment like he’s thinking, but you’re pretty sure he already knows what he wants. He seems like the type to always plan ahead for everything.

“…I’m pretty sure we have everything to make blueberry pancakes…” he says after a moment.

You grin. “I’m pretty sure you’re right. Blueberry pancakes it is.”

* 

Breakfast is the usual loud, boisterous affair. Everyone seemed low-key excited by the pancakes. Apparently it’s been awhile since any of them have had them. Tobi volunteers to help you with the dishes afterwards, much to your insistence otherwise. It’s part of your job, after all. However, it doesn’t take much to break your resolve and you eventually settle on letting him dry while you wash. He even regales you with a story about the first time he got on Deidara’s bad side while you work. Apparently it ended with quite a few explosions and Tobi’s animated reenactment of it has you laughing near tears. He may be weird and a bit childish but so far he’s been an absolute sweetheart.

After a cursory wipe-down of the stove and counters you find yourself at a loss for what to do next. Since you deep-cleaned yesterday there’s really no need to do so again today. Major cleaning once or twice a week with minor up-keep/spot-cleans in between should be more than enough to keep this place in top shape. With most of the guys having stepped out of the house to go train you’re left to your own devices for a while. You decide you might as well use the quiet time to peruse that bookcase in the living room. A few of Itachi’s recommendations should be there.

You stroll into the living room to do just that.

…And promptly freeze.

All of the furniture has been pushed out of the way towards the walls, leaving a large, empty space right smack in the middle.

Well, technically it’s not empty. Sasori is currently taking it up; various tools along with a large, wooden something-or-other disassembled and spread out in front of him. He’s tinkering away at something in his lap, screwdriver in hand. You try not to make it too obvious that you’re staring as you pick your way through the clear, narrow path towards the bookcase. You make a cursory show of pretending to look at it before just grabbing something at random and settling down in a nearby armchair to subtly watch. You don’t want to intrude, but your curiosity still demands to be sated.

Apparently your ‘subtle’ glances over your book aren’t so subtle because less than five minutes after you sit down he’s calling you out.

“If you have a question just ask it already,” he states flatly, not looking up from whatever it is he’s working on. “You look like a gopher popping its head out of the sand doing that. It’s annoying.”

You snort in amusement, placing the book you weren’t really reading on the small end table next to you. You have a _lot_ more than just one question.

“Why are you working out here?” you start. He’s been hiding in his room almost exclusively since you got here. Clearly he’s a rather private person.

“Clearly because there is more room out here for me to work,” he states primly. “Hiruko is far too large for me to properly adjust and maintain in the confines of my personal room.”

“Hiruko?” you question, easing out of your chair to sit on the ground before scooting towards him so that you’re a bit closer to the action. 

“My puppet armor.”

Well surely he realizes that just brings up _more_ questions, right?

“Puppet armor?” you probe. “So you, what, wear…whatever this thing is around all the time?” It’s in far too many parts for you to get a proper visual of what the whole thing looks like. Hold up, is that a face? You instinctively reach over to grab it in order to get a better look.

“Touching my things without permission is a very good way to lose a hand,” he warns before you can make contact, finally glancing up to narrow his pretty brown eyes at you.

You immediately rip your hand back like a kid who just touched a hot stove top. “Sorry! Bad habit of mine.” 

“And Hiruko is not a ‘whatever this thing is,’” he continues flatly, looking back down at the part in his lap. “It’s a very sophisticated piece of puppet artistry. One I’ve worked very hard on.”

“So you _made_ all of this?” you ask a bit redundantly, eyes widening in awe at all the intricate little parts strewn across the floor. 

“No, Hidan did,” he deadpans, still tinkering away. “Of course I’m the one who made it.”

Ooo, sassy. You can get behind that.

“Are you sure?” you can’t help but tease. “For all I know Hidan just _plays_ dumb to throw people off his trail.”

He snorts. “He’s not _nearly_ smart enough to ‘play’ dumb.”

You laugh, loud and genuine. “I’ll take your word for it.”

Things lull back into quiet as you continue to sit there, content to just watch his nimble fingers work for a while. Even though you don’t understand all the fine details it’s still interesting enough to watch. After about fifteen minutes, though, your gaze starts to wander.

…Usually to his face.

It’s just so smooth and pretty. And it moves so flawlessly when he blinks and talks. His hands are the same way; not a single ball joint to be seen. The rest of his body is hidden by his cloak but there’s no way he can really be a puppet. The guys must have been pulling your leg. 

“You’re doing that gopher thing again,” he says, irritation bleeding into his otherwise deadpan tone.

“Sorry! It’s just…the others told me that you’re actually a puppet yourself,” you explain, face flushing at having been caught again. You’re really just not very stealthy, are you? “But you don’t look like one.”

He hums, switching his screwdriver for a pair of pliers. “Appearances can be deceiving. Especially in the shinobi world. You’d do well to remember that.”

“Noted,” you say as you go back to watching his hands. “That doesn’t really answer my question, though,” you can’t help but push. You’re still _really_ curious. His flat look has you backtracking, though. “I-if you’re willing to answer it, that is!” you stutter with a placating wave of your hands.

He sighs and sets his things on the floor. “Technically you didn’t even ask me outright, but fine. I’ll humor you.” He stands up –

-And promptly starts unbuttoning his cloak.

Your face immediately starts to burn, your hands instinctively slapping over your eyes. “Oh my god!”

“Why on earth are you covering your eyes?” he asks irritably. “I’m still wearing pants. And part of your job generally involves seeing us naked, anyway.”

“Sorry!” you squeak, shoving your hands under your thighs instead. “Still not used to guys just stripping in front of me." Sasori just rolls his eyes as he shrugs off his cloak. 

While his hands and beautiful face may be smooth his body most definitely is not. It’s segmented just like a puppet’s. Or, more accurately, like a ball jointed doll. If he really is made of wood it’s the smoothest you’ve ever seen. You can't even see the grain of it. It's…creepy. Weird. Fascinating.

You have to touch it.

“Remember what I said about losing a hand?” he warns lowly just as your fingertips get within brushing distance of the panel that makes up his ‘abdomen.’

“Sorry!” you squeal, once again pulling back. “You’re just…you’re so interesting.” He really is.

That seems to placate him a bit, his shoulders losing some of their ‘tenseness.’ Hell, can he even _feel_ tense?

You decide to ask.

“Can you…you know… _feel_ things like that? Physically?”

“No,” he answers simply as he puts his cloak back on and sits back down. “Not in the same way you do. I can sense physical contact through my chakra network but it hardly resembles the sensation of touch that the human body experiences.”

Well now that’s kind of sad. You’d probably go crazy if you couldn’t feel anything like that. How would you know if you were really alive or just stuck in some fucked up dream? You decide to keep those comments to yourself for the time being. They seem a little too…intimate.

“So what is that for?” you ask, pointing to some random puppet piece on the ground. Might as well see how far you can take this conversation since you don’t know when you’ll get the chance to talk to him again. He may be a bit of a recluse but he’s obviously proud of his work and pride tends to grease the wheels of conversation when the right topic comes up.

“Those are poison barbs,” he answers simply. Like it’s not fucking terrifying.

“Poison barbs?!” you spit in alarm, flinching away from them a little in horror. “I thought you said this was armor?”

“It is,” he replies flatly as he grabs a small soldering tool. “Hiruko also serves as a battle puppet.”

“…Okay, as scary as that sounds I have to admit that that would make an absolutely wicked band name,” you say with an amused smile. “If you ever start one you should totally name it Battle Puppet.”

He snorts, face glowing from the small sparks flying up from whatever he’s working on. It makes him look both strangely ethereal and a little terrifying. “As if I have the time to waste on something so trivial.”

“Hey, now!” you chastise jokingly with a grin. “Music is awesome! It’s just a more auditory art form than a physical one like your puppets.” 

You spend the next couple of hours watching Sasori work and peppering him with questions. Turns out you were right to stick to the subject of his puppets. Though his tone remains mostly monotone he patiently answers all of them. He even holds stuff out closer for you to look at (but not touch!) whenever you seem particularly interested in something. You wonder if some small part of him is pleased that you’re clearly impressed with his work. Though you don’t fully understand a lot of it he’s obviously put an incredible amount of time and effort into his art and you can certainly appreciate that level of dedication and hard work.

Of course the moment is ruined by none other than Fuckboi Supreme himself.

Just as Sasori is starting to put ‘Hiruko’ back together you hear the front door slam open, bouncing off the spring doorstop with a loud, echoing _SPROOOOOOING_. God, no wonder all the doors around here are made of solid wood.

“YO BABE WHERE YOU AT?” you hear Hidan shout a half-second later. Figures. You sigh and mentally prepare yourself.

“I’m in the living room, Hidan,” you call back at a much more reasonable volume. Sasori just keeps working away, expression giving away nothing.

Of course Hidan’s stupid, handsome face pops around the doorframe not a moment later; mouth stretched into a wide, maniacal grin and hair cutely tussled. Clearly he got in a good workout if the heavy sheen of sweat on his skin is anything to go by.

“Training got me all worked up, babe,” he purrs, stepping fully into view. He’s wearing nothing but some black sweatpants. The bright lighting of the living room shines off his sweat-damp arms and chest, accentuating his broad shoulders and lean muscles quite nicely. King Fuckboi he may be but at least he’s very easy on the eyes.

“So I see,” you tease dryly, glancing at the obvious tent in his pants. It’s hard not to notice since his crotch is pretty much eye-level with your face when you’re sitting on the ground like this. 

“Yeah, I got an ache only you can work out so why don’t you ditch this nerd and let me show you a good time?” he says with a smirk, jerking his thumb over his shoulder towards the hallway.

“Someone who thinks with more than just their dick is not a ‘nerd,’” Sasori deadpans as he floats another piece over to himself with a chakra string. “They’re just civilized.” You snicker, covering your mouth with your hand.

Hidan snorts and rolls his eyes. “That’s pretty funny coming from you. You don’t even _have_ a fucking dick.”

“Because I don’t need one,” Sasori replies, voice monotone. “It would only serve as a distraction. Besides, why would I need to add one when we already have you?”

You’re trying very hard not to choke. It would be rude to laugh at Hidan with him right there.

“Whatever, man. You just don’t know what you’re missing,” Hidan says with another roll of his eyes. He looks back at you and smirks, holding out a hand in an offer to help you up. “Come on, babe. This dick ain’t gonna fuck itself, you know.”

You sigh and reach out to take it, letting him pull you to your feet. “Well, you _do_ have these wonderful things called _hands_ that you could use but sure. I’ll indulge you.”

Hidan’s smirk widens into a wolfish grin as he slaps your ass. “Now that’s what I like to hear!”

You roll your eyes and turn back to look at Sasori. He’s still assembling his armor, seemingly content to ignore the two of you.

“Thank you for keeping me company and answering my many questions, Sasori,” you say warmly, giving him a polite bow. “I really enjoyed learning about your art.”

He nods but doesn’t look up or say anything.

Hidan grabs your hand and starts dragging you towards the bedrooms, impatient as ever. “Come on, babe! The longer this goes the worse it fucking gets!”

You just roll your eyes again as you stumble along after him. “Fine, but you’re staying off the bed. You’re sweaty as hell and I don’t want to have to change the sheets again so soon.”

“Wall sex it is then, babe!”

*

Hidan’s little training session clearly got him _very_ worked up because the sex is positively animalistic.

He pounces on you as soon as you shut your bedroom door, pressing you chest-first against it with your ass out for his pleasure. He doesn’t even bother taking your clothes off. He just shoves his hand down the front of your shorts and starts playing with your clit as he growls dirty things in your ear and grinds against your ass. When you’re properly worked up and rearing to go you just barely get him to slow down long enough to put on a condom. Once it’s on its all bets off and you quickly find your front pressed back against the door and your shorts and panties around your ankles. He’s fast this round, thrusts short and quick but he doesn’t leave you behind. His fingers work you over while he fucks you, rubbing and sliding and pinching until you’re seizing around him and your breath is choking in your throat. He grunts and follows soon after, teeth thankfully staying far, far away from your vulnerable neck.

He may be a vulgar asshole but even you’re willing to admit that he’s a damn good lay. Color you surprised.

You open the door to find a sweaty Deidara waiting in the hall; leaning back against the wall with a smirk on his pretty face and a tent in his sweatpants. Clearly training got to him, too.

You roll your eyes as you trade one fuckboy for another. Unfortunately this one is _not_ such a good lay.

Color you disappointed.

He’s just as fast as Hidan but with none of the (surprising) consideration. It’s just ‘wham, bam, thank you ma’am’ and that’s it. You wonder if he even knows what a clitoris _is;_ much less where it’s located. Maybe you’ll teach him someday. Or maybe you’ll get lucky and he’ll finally realize that you’re not nearly as into your little sessions as he is and take some goddamn initiative to learn.

Hey, a girl can dream!

When it’s all said and done it’s time to start on lunch. Hidan and Deidara both go back to training while you set to work on making some sautéed carrot and mushroom onigiri. You were going to use the mushrooms for hamburger steak yesterday but opted for hibachi steak and vegetables instead because you’re sure they needed the greens. Ain’t nobody getting constipated on _your_ watch, damnit.

When you’re finished you put them all on a big serving tray along with a pitcher of water and some glasses, grab an old blanket, and head outside. Lunch will be picnic-style today. You don’t want their sweaty asses (or Hidan’s nasty mouth) anywhere near your clean goddamn table.

You find them all around the back of the compound, practicing throwing kunai and shuriken at various wooden targets set up on the trees.

Itachi’s up next. The others watch on, arms either crossed or propped on their hips as they wait.

You hang back for a bit to watch, curious.

Strangely, Itachi’s not even facing the targets. In fact he’s got his back to them. How is he-?

Quicker than lightening he jumps up into a high back flip, pulling four kunai out of his pouches as he goes. He throws them all before falling into a rapid spin; tossing two more kunai at the ones he just threw to break them off into different trajectories. All six hit dead center in a different target just as he flips back over to land into a graceful crouch.

Oh.

That’s how.

_Hot._

“Pft,” you hear Deidara snort. “Showoff.”

“That was so _cool_ , Itachi!” Tobi praises, clapping his hands. “Could you teach Tobi how to do that?!”

Kisame’s the first to notice you.

“Hey, sweetheart!” he calls out with a wide, toothy smile. “Lunch time already, eh?”

You smile right back. “Yep! It’s nice out so I figured we could eat outside today,” you explain as you finish walking over. “You all ready for a break?”

“You bet!” Kisame says, still grinning. “I’m starving!”

Luckily you made enough to feed a small army. These men sure can put it away.

“Let me help, ________!~” Tobi calls out as he races over to you. He gently takes the blanket from your arm and spreads it out on the grass while you thank him. Hidan just reaches for a rice ball before you can even set the tray down.

“Ah!” you chastise, pulling the tray back. “You need hand sanitizer first!”

Hidan snorts and crosses his arms, looking surprisingly pouty. “Like some stupid fucking germs could hurt me.”

“It smells like creamsicles,” you offer, hoping to tempt him into practicing basic fucking hygiene.

“…Ugh, fucking _fine_.”

The hand sanitizer you keep in your back pocket for just such an occasion does, in fact, smell like creamsicles. It’s the whole reason you “splurged” on it instead of the cheaper, non-scented brand.

No regrets.

After dosing everyone’s hands (or, in Tobi’s case, gloves) you settle in to eat; taking your place in the circle between Kisame and a very chatty Tobi. Even Kakuzu deigns to continue gracing you all with his presence, taking up the spot directly across from you between Hidan and Deidara. You do your best not to look at him too much. Thankfully between Tobi’s goofy antics, Hidan and Deidara’s bickering, and Kisame’s accompanying jokes you stay plenty distracted.

The guys decide to call it a day after finishing lunch. You’re honestly disappointed. You would have loved to watch them train some more. Apparently you do a poor job of hiding it because you immediately feel Kisame’s heavy hand on your shoulder.

“Hey, don’t look so disappointed, sweetheart!” he says jovially, giving it a gentle squeeze before pulling his hand back. “It’s not like this is our last-ever training session. You’ll have plenty of other opportunities to watch me in action!” he finishes with a good-natured wink. You smile.

“I’ll hold you to it,” you tease. “I’ll warn you now, though, that it takes quite a bit to impress me so you better bring your A game, mister!” you joke with a playful shoulder-bump to his bicep. His resulting blush is honestly adorable. The blue-grey tint of his skin makes it look more purple than red.

“Always do!” he shoots back with a smirk. “I’ve never been known to half-ass _anything_.” His resulting once-over makes it very clear that he’s not just referring to ninja stuff.

Great. Now _you’re_ the one blushing.

Will you ever get used this?

The guys all go to get cleaned up while you put everything away. Well, all the guys but Tobi. Apparently he ‘didn’t get very sweaty’ so he ‘doesn’t need a shower.’ He doesn’t stink so you just assume he did more watching than actual training. He chirps something about going to take a nap as he disappears down the hall.

You decide to spend the afternoon reading; curling up on the living room couch with one of the books Itachi recommended. He has good taste. You quickly find yourself pulled into the story and the next time you glance at the clock it’s about time to start dinner. Tobi once again helps with the dishes afterwards and then, at Kisame’s suggestion, you all sit down for another rousing game of cards. Well, everyone but Sasori and Kakuzu, anyway.

“Hold up for a minute, guys,” you say, standing up as Kisame starts shuffling the deck. “I’ll be right back.”

A moment later you’re knocking on Sasori’s door. “Sasori? Would you like to come play cards with us?” you ask sweetly.

“No,” he replies flatly, voice muffled by the thick, solid wood. “I have more important things to do.”

Well, that’s a bit of a disappointment. Still, you don’t push.

“Alright,” you easily concede. “If you change your mind we’re all in the dining room.”

You glance at Kakuzu’s door, considering.

Should you be the bigger person and actually attempt to be nice? You _are_ going to be…dealing…with him eventually…

Red-green eyes narrowed in killing intent flash through your mind, the memory of steel fingers wrapped tight around your throat.

You shudder before speed walking a beeline back to the dining room. Nope. You don’t feel like dealing with him tonight.

To your minor disappointment, Sasori doesn’t change his mind. You still enjoy yourself, though. As loud and crazy as these guys are they’re still entertaining. Maybe you’ll get used to living here sooner rather than later.

And you get the bath all to yourself that night.

Mama Reality must finally be looking out for you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went ahead and split this chapter in two so that Kisame's part doesn't completely overwhelm the others lol. Thanks for reading!


	8. Do Touch the Shark

You’re changing into your nightclothes when you hear a knock at your door.

You tense, immediately wary.

What if it’s Kakuzu? You’re…not quite ready to deal with that man just yet.

Still, ready or not, you have a job to perform. This is what you agreed to, after all. You knew it was coming eventually so you might as well just get it over with. Besides, you _really_ don’t want to risk pissing him off.

Wary but resigned, you open the door.

…And find Kisame standing on the other side wearing nothing but his sleep pants and a blush.

 _Oh thank god._ You relax immediately.

“Hey, sweetheart,” he says with a nervous half-smile, scratching at the back of his head. “Is it, uh, is it okay if I come in?”

_Cute._

“Of course it’s okay!” you tease as you step back to open the door wider for him. “Welcome to my humble abode!” you continue jokingly, sweeping your arm out in invitation as you drop into a low, dramatic bow.

He chuckles as he steps inside and you close the door behind him. “I like what you’ve done with the place,” he jokes back as he looks around your sparse bedroom. “The alarm clock really lends it a nice, homey feel.”

“Doesn’t it?” you shoot back airily as you stroll around to stand in front of him. “I think the color really compliments the blank white walls.”

He chuckles again, rubbing at the back of his neck. “Yeah, none of us are exactly known for our interior design skills.”

“So I noticed,” you tease with a smirk, propping your hands on your hips. “Anyway, enough about my boring bedroom. How do you want to do this, big guy?” Flirting and teasing may still get you all flustered but after the crash landing Deidara and Hidan gave you this part comes a lot easier, now.

His flush comes back full force. It really is adorable seeing this big, scary shark-man blushing like a shy schoolgirl. “Well, uh…we could start with kissing, if that’s alright? I’ll be careful with my teeth, I promise!”

You smile. “That’s fine with me. Though either you’re going to have to bend down or I’m going to have to go get a step stool.” You noticed pretty quickly that he’s the tallest member of the group by a good margin.

He smirks, eyes roving over your body like he’s got another idea. “Or I could just do _this_ …”

You yelp as he suddenly lifts you up by the backs of your thighs, your arms immediately wrapping around his neck for balance as your legs latch onto his toned waist. You flush when you realize you’re now eye-level with him. He’s holding you like you weigh no more than a feather pillow, no sign of strain in his thick arms or broad shoulders at all.

It’s…really fucking hot.

You feel a low pulse in your core.

“You ready, sweetheart?” he murmurs, warm breath fanning across your lips.

All you can do is nod.

His lips are thin but surprisingly soft, pressing against yours almost tentatively. He starts off slow and you follow his lead, pressing back just as soft and sweet. After a couple of minutes, though, you grow bored of it. You dart your tongue out to lick against his lips, asking for permission to kick things up a notch.

With a pleased, rumbling chuckle he gives in. You dart your tongue in immediately, eager to explore. He tastes like saltwater and mint toothpaste. It’s a little strange but not unpleasant.

After playing with his tongue for a bit you run yours lightly over the points of his teeth, curious. They are, indeed, quiet sharp.

“Careful, sweetheart…” he rumbles against your mouth when you pull back for a breather. “Don’t want to accidentally cut you.”

“Don’t like it rough, eh?” you tease with lidded eyes. “I’m a little surprised.”

“I can’t afford to be, kitten,” he says lowly, face flushed as he takes in your slightly swollen lips. “I’m pretty strong even when I don’t need to be.”

“Really? I couldn’t tell…” you joke with a playful pat to his muscular bicep.

He chuckles before capturing your lips again, this time pushing his tongue into your mouth instead.

You stop when you feel his cock twitch against your backside, pulling back with lidded eyes and a low hum as you trail a hand down his strong chest.

“You ready to kick this up a notch, big guy?” you ask a bit breathlessly. Big, strong men that also happen to be sweet and good kissers really get you going, apparently. Surprise, surprise.

He suddenly looks sheepish, glancing down to your hand on his chest rather than meeting your eyes. “You may not be ready for it, kitten. I’m…proportionate.” 

Well, you can’t really say you’re surprised. You can’t say you’re not more than a little excited, either.

“Can I see it?” you murmur. “Please?”

“…Alright.”

He moves to set you back on your feet and you unwrap yourself from around him to slide off. You take a step back as he hitches his thumbs in the waistband of his pants, pulling them down along with his underwear. When they’re both pooled around his ankles he steps out of them and kicks them aside. 

“ _Oh_ ,” you breathe, taking him in with wide eyes. He’s only half-hard and he’s already almost intimidatingly large. Almost.

“We don’t have to go all the way if you don’t want to!” he blurts as he holds his hands up in a placating gesture, like he’s bracing himself for flat-out rejection. “We can just stick to hands or something if that’s more comfortable for you!”

Clearly he’s had some…less than optimal experiences in the past.

“No, I think I can take it,” you say airily as you tilt your head in consideration. At the very least you’re sure as hell going to _try_. Honestly just looking at it is getting you all worked up. _Icha Icha_ really has ruined you.

“You really don’t have to, sweetheart! I don’t want to hurt you!”

“As long as I’m worked up enough I should be fine,” you assure with a hum, shamelessly reaching out to grab his cock and stroke it. It’s hot and heavy and velvet-soft in your hand.

Oh yes. You _definitely_ want this inside you.

His breath hitches, cock pulsing as it grows heavier still. A few more strokes has him at full mast. It really is a beast.

“Are you sure? Don’t feel obligated to do it just because you think you have to. I’d seriously be fine with just your soft little hands. Or your thighs. Or maybe we can-”

“Kisame,” you stop him, reaching up to squish his cheeks between your hands as you stare intently into his eyes. “You do know that vaginas are made to push out babies, right?”

He nods slowly, eyes wide.

“Then you should trust me when I say I can take it,” you say firmly. “You’re big, Kisame, but you’re not _that_ big. You’re not a baby. You’re just a bit of a challenge.”

“…I don’t know whether to be turned on by that or not.” His words combined with his muffled voice makes you snicker.

You pat his cheeks before pulling back. “Hopefully arousal wins out because otherwise I’ll be going to bed disappointed,” you sigh with a lidded, pouty look.

 _That_ changes his tune _real_ quick.

His eyes darken, a sharp-toothed smirk pulling at his thin lips.

“Oh, don’t worry, kitten,” he purrs, scooping you up and strolling towards the bed. “You won’t be disappointed. I don’t half-ass _anything,_ remember?”

He sets you on the edge of the bed and immediately goes to pull off your panties and sleep shorts, your old t-shirt following soon after. His eyes darken further when you’re finally exposed, his hands smoothing down your sides and legs. You shiver under his touch.

“You’re perfect, sweetheart,” he murmurs with a soft squeeze to your thighs.

You blush. “You’re not so bad yourself,” you tease, reaching out to run your hands down his beautifully defined abs. He really is handsome, even if he’s not what most people would consider conventional.

He chuckles as he grabs a pillow off your bed and throws it on the floor in front of his feet. Your eyes widen as he slowly sinks down until his knees rest on it, his dark gaze never leaving yours as he does so.

“Now let’s see what I can do about getting you ‘worked up enough…’” he purrs as he spreads your legs and hooks them over his broad shoulders. Oh, god, his words go straight to your clit.

You jolt at the first touch of his tongue to your heated flesh, breath hitching as you tense. No one’s ever done this for you before. Sure, you’ve read about it in _Icha Icha_ but none of that could fully prepare you for just how…intimate…the whole thing really is. Not that you’re not excited! It’s just-

“Relax, sweetheart,” Kisame pulls back to murmur as he looks up at you from between your thighs. Oh, god, that image is _so fucking hot_ and will forever be engraved in your memory, now. “I’ll be careful with my teeth, I promise.”

You flush as you glance away. “It’s not that. It’s just…I’ve never done this before…” you admit quietly.

His eyes widen a bit. Whether it’s in surprise or understanding you’re not really sure.

But then he smirks.

“Well, it looks like I’ve got a precedent to set, then,” he teases as he gently massages your legs. His fingers are thick and strong and so, so warm and oh, god you hope he puts them inside you while he does this. “If you want me to, that is…”

“I want you to!” you blurt, afraid of scaring him off. You do _really_ want to try it. You’re just nervous, is all. You’re not even sure why. How is this any different from what you did with Hidan and Deidara? Is it because this is solely for _your_ pleasure? What if he doesn’t really like doing this? What if _you_ don’t really like this? What if all the hype is just that? What if you don’t react enough to prove that you’re enjoying yourself if you _do_ like it? What if-

“Then relax,” he repeats gently. “Just focus on feeling, sweetheart. Let me take care of you.”

Your heart pounds in your chest. That is simultaneously one of the sweetest and hottest things you’ve ever heard.

“…Okay.”

With another smirk and a reassuring kiss to your thigh he returns his attention to your aching center.

He starts slow; long, languid licks that begin at your opening and end at your clit. When he finally feels you relax against him he moves to focus on your clit entirely, the tip of his tongue gently circling around it before poking and prodding under your sensitive hood until the little bud comes out fully to play. Your breath hitches as he lightly laves his rough tongue over it, hips bucking as you instinctively reach out to tangle your fingers in his course hair.

Okay, yeah, so you _definitely_ like this.

“You taste as good as you look, kitten,” he rumbles against you. You moan and buck against him again. He chuckles. “Careful, sweetheart. Sharp teeth, remember? Keep doing that and I may just have to hold you down…”

Okay, so _that_ idea is super fucking hot. You’re just learning all sorts of neat things about yourself tonight.

You look him dead in the eyes as you do it again, lips twitching up into a shitty little smirk.

His resulting look is positively _predatory_.

“You asked for it, kitten,” he growls lowly with a wide, sharp grin.

You yelp as you’re promptly shoved backwards onto the mattress, legs still hooked over Kisame’s broad shoulders as one of his strong arms leaves your thigh to wrap firmly around your waist, effectively pinning you. You make a cursory struggle, just to test his hold. Not surprisingly his grip is like iron. You can’t even wiggle.

 _So fucking hot_.

“For your own safety, sweetheart,” he purrs. “Tell me if it gets to be too much.”

And then he promptly starts to _devour you_.

You yelp as he dives back in with the enthusiasm of a man starved, absolutely devoid of all his earlier gentleness. He attacks your swollen clit with strong, hard licks, alternating between up and down and side to side until you’re dizzy with pleasure; occasionally switching it up with soft, gentle sucks that feel so good it’s almost unreal. He reads your body like a book; paying keen attention to the contractions of your cunt, your whines and moans and the way you say his name. He adjusts his technique accordingly and all too quickly you’re complete putty in his hands. He’s just too damn good at this.

When he feels your body tense for the grand finale he doesn’t even try to tease. He just settles on the speed and pressure he now knows you like best to finish you with.

You come _hard_ ; letting go completely with a high-pitched keen of his name as you all but vibrate under his strong grip. He just keeps right on going as you ride it out; sinful tongue working you through your orgasm for as long as he can drag it out. He eases up when he feels you start to come back down, finally pulling away completely when your twitches of pleasure turn into ones of oversensitivity.

“You doing alright up there, sweetheart?” Kisame’s voice cuts through the pleasure-haze of your mind.

“ _God_ , Kisame,” you breathe, thoroughly flushed and panting. You’ve never had an orgasm that intense before in your _life_. “That was…” you can’t even find the words to do it justice. “ _God…_ ”

He chuckles and presses another soft kiss to your thigh. “That good, huh?”

“That was better than _good_ , Kisame,” you pant. “That was _incredible._ Thank you.”

He chuckles again, strong fingers rubbing soothing circles into your thighs. “You’re very welcome, kitten. Though I’m not quite done down here yet…”

You lift your head up to look down at him the best you can, your eyes wide in surprise. “There’s _more_?”

“Oh, there’s _lots_ more, kitten,” he purrs with a sharp, wicked smirk. “I could do this to you all night.”

You let out a low, deep moan as your head drops back onto the mattress. He has no right to be this good. “As hot as that sounds I don’t think I could handle that all night. I swear I already felt my soul leave my body.”

He laughs. “Maybe later, then. Once you’ve built up a better tolerance.”

Oh, god, _that_ goes straight to your crotch. You’re already aching for round two.

“You ready for round two, kitten?” he asks as if reading your mind.

“Yes please,” you moan.

“I’m going to add my fingers this time. Is that alright?”

“Oh, that is _way_ more than alright. You have very nice fingers, Kisame.”

He snickers. “Bit of a weird compliment but I’ll take it,” he says in good humor. Still, you flush. God, why are you so awkward?

“Everything else about you is also very nice,” you say, popping your head back up to look down at him. “And I’m not just saying that.” You really do mean it.

You must sound as sincere as you feel because his face lights up in the most adorable blush.

…But then he looks down, unable to meet your eyes.

“I’m not…I’m not nearly as nice as you are, sweetheart,” he says quietly. It makes your heart ache a little.

“I’m nice but I’m not exactly an angel, either, Kisame,” you reply gently. You really do try to be kind and understanding and respectful to everyone but you do still have your weak moments. Some people just make it _really hard_ to stay that way.

He snorts. “Compared to us you are.”

You don’t know how to respond to that.

Thankfully you don’t have to.

Kisame gives you another soft kiss to the inside of your thigh, obviously trying to restart the mood from earlier.

“Sorry for ruining the mood, kitten,” he says gently into your skin. “I’ll get you back to where you were, don’t worry.”

And with that he starts licking you softly, mindful of your sensitivity. You groan and let your head fall back again, more than willing to leave him to it.

Once your body stops twitching under his touch he finally adds one of his fingers. You gasp as he gently slides it in, slick body taking it easily as your hips desperately try to buck into it. He’s still holding you down, though, so all you succeed in doing is a mild twitch. Just that one finger feels incredible, thick and long. He curls it until it gently catches on something that has you keening. You feel him smirk against you.

“That’s it, kitten,” he pulls back to purr as he eases in another finger. “Let me hear you.”

“Kisameeee!” you whine as you try to buck again. His fingers are just so _thick._ So perfect. They feel so good. 

“Still got two more to go, sweetheart,” he rumbles. “Think you can take them?”

“ _Yes_!” you moan. “ _Please_ , Kisame! I want them! I want _you_!”

He groans as he once again buries his face against your aching heat, tongue coming back out to play with your swollen clit as he adds a third finger. You’re _really_ starting to feel the stretch now; pleasantly full and deep.

Once he feels you relax he starts curling them again, catching on your g-spot with practiced precision all while his rough, skillful tongue continues to gently work your needy clit.

“One more, sweetheart,” he pants against your flushed skin. “Almost there.”

His lips latch onto you and gently suck as he slips his fourth and final finger inside, curling them all to catch on that wonderful spot.

It’s too much. You come again with a broken, choking wail; body shaking under his strong, protective grip as you clench down hard around him. He moans as he works you through it. If you feel this good around his fingers he can only imagine how good you’ll feel around his cock.

He pulls away as you come back down, murmuring gentle praises against your skin (“You did so _well_ , kitten. Look and feel so good,”) as his hands gently message your thighs. You’re panting too much to say anything back, skin flushed hot and sweaty as you lie there and try to pull your pieces back together.

Kisame’s figure suddenly looms over you; sharp smirk clear even through your hazy eyes.

“You doing okay down there, kitten?” he asks as he takes in your thoroughly-fucked expression. It’s a _very_ good look on you.

His cock twitches against your thigh.

“Yeah,” you pant as you smirk back up at him, some of your earlier bravado returning. “I think I’m ready to take you now. Lie back on the bed, handsome.” It’s probably best if you set the pace at first.

His cock twitches again as he groans and leans in for a passionate kiss. You eagerly return it.

“Are you sure?” he pants when he pulls away. “You can still change your mind, you know.”

“Kisame I want that dick in me,” you pant back with a glare.

He laughs and gives you another sweet peck on the lips.

“Alright. If you _insist_ ,” he teases as he pulls back and you scoot out from under him. You need to grab a condom. He climbs onto the bed and situates himself back against your pillows as you start digging around in the nightstand.

“Sorry about this, big guy, but everyone has to suit up until Saturday,” you explain as you pull back with one of the ‘extra large’ brands. “That’s when the pills should kick in.”

“You don’t have to apologize for using protection, sweetheart,” he says with furrowed brows. “I’m not going to put up a fuss.”

“Thank you, Kisame,” you hum as you crawl back over to him. You rip the package open with your teeth and move to roll it on him when he gently stops you with his clean hand around your wrist.

“Hold on a second, kitten,” he murmurs with lidded eyes. “I’ve still got some of you on me.”

You watch as he brings up his other hand, the one he used to finger you. It’s still covered in your slick, shiny and wet. You promptly flush hotter than the sun as he brings it to his cock and starts stroking it, lubing himself up with the evidence of your pleasure. 

“Alright,” he purrs when he’s finished. “Now I’m ready for you.”

You just nod, still red-faced as you lean over and roll the condom on him.

Knowing you’re already more than wet enough to handle him you immediately move to straddle his lap; legs pressing against his sides and hips as you reach beneath you to grab his cock and hold it steady. He hisses as it twitches in your hand, his own moving to gently grip your thighs. 

Just the feeling of his head slipping inside makes you groan and his fingers press a bit harder into your flesh. Even with all the prep he’s still a lot to take in. You’re determined to do it, though. You are _not_ leaving this room without a taste of his beautiful cock.

You move a hand to rub at your still-sensitive clit as you ease your way down; focusing on the small jolts of pleasure it brings you rather than the stretch to help you relax. Kisame watches you work with a flush across his cheeks. You sigh when you feel your butt press against his thighs.

“See?” you pant as you finally settle fully against him. “Told you I could take it.”

He stares up at you with nothing short of wide-eyed adoration. “You’re incredible,” he breathes, whole face flushing as he looks back down at the place where your bodies join. His cock twitches inside you and you moan at the feeling. “Absolutely incredible.”

“And you had your doubts…” you tease as you lean forward to press your palms against his strong, broad chest and rest some of your weight on your arms. He looks back up at you with hazy eyes. You smirk. He smirks right back.

“Well, all those doubts are gone now, kitten,” he husks as he smoothes those big hands up and down the outsides of your thighs. “You feel amazing.”

“You feel pretty damn good yourself, big guy,” you purr as you slide your hips forward. You moan as your clit drags across his toned stomach. “I’ll definitely be coming back for a _lot_ more rides.”

His already hazy eyes darken further, smirk widening to show off more of those dangerous teeth. “Oh? And what makes you think I’ll be content to just let you be on top every single time?”

 _Ooo! A challenge!_ One that you’re _very_ willing to take him up on. You want to see what he’ll do when you step up to it.

You lean forward so that your face is only a few inches from his, smirk wicked and eyes dark.

“Oh, please, Kisame,” you say airily. “You’re a total bottom! You’re just far too sweet to get a little rough.”

The next thing you know you’re on your back; Kisame’s broad form hovering over you as he stares you down with a wild predator grin. You just blink up at him in surprise. You didn’t even have time to yelp.

“Oh, I’ll give you a ride, kitten,” he purrs as he leans down so that all you can see is the raw want in his eyes. “Think you can hang on?”

You grin and wrap your arms around his neck and your legs around his waist; hooking them at the ankle so that your heels rest against the small of his back.

“All buckled up and ready to go!” you joke-coo with lidded eyes.

He chuckles and leans down for a kiss as he gets started.

Despite his earlier fire he starts slow; gentle, languid thrusts to get you used to him. The drag of his thick cock against your walls is near-divine. He hits all of your hot spots without even trying. You moan into his mouth as you tighten your legs around him, bringing your clit into better contact with his abdomen as he moves. 

As he feels you relax he speeds up, thrusts becoming harder, sharper. Soon you have to tighten your grip on him to keep from scooting up the bed as his hips all but slam into yours over and over and over again.

The heat, the stretch, the friction both inside and out all quickly become too much and all too soon you’re coming around him; body tensing and shaking as you cry your pleasure around his tongue. He just grunts as he fucks you through it, never letting up his relentless pace.

He stops and pulls out as you start to become oversensitive. Before you can say anything, though, he’s flipping you over onto your hands and knees. He drags you up by your hips until you’re ass-up face-down on the bed before slipping right back inside and starting the same hard, fast pace from before.

You whine into the mattress, hands fisting in the sheets as he quite literally fucks you silly. You can’t think, can barely breathe. Your entire world is currently narrowed down to the man behind you and the wonderful things he’s doing to your body.

“Kisaaameeee,” you keen, body flushed and sweating.

“You take my cock so _well_ , kitten,” he pants as he grips your hips tighter, anchoring you against him as the heavy slaps of his hips against your backside echo through the room. “You feel so good around me.”

His relentless assault continues for several minutes; so long your mind starts to become hazy.

…Until a sudden touch to your clit jolts you right out of it.

“Almost there, kitten,” Kisame pants above you as he continues to rub those thick, strong fingers against your slick, sensitive flesh. “Think you got one more in you?”

“ _Yes!_ ” you sob as your fingers clench so hard you pull the fitted sheet off the mattress. “Please, please, please!”

He grunts as he doubles down, fingers rubbing short, hard circles against and around your clit as his thrusts become shorter. The blunt nails of his other hand dig into your hip so hard they’re sure to leave crescent-shaped marks but you couldn’t give less of a damn. All you can focus on is Kisame’s thick cock rubbing against your slick walls and those wonderful fingers swirling above the place where your bodies meet.

You don’t last long.

Kisame chokes as you come again, muscles twitching and clenching around him as your vision goes _white_. You can’t even hear anything, don’t know if you’re even making any noise. Every sense and bit of perception is forced into tunnel vision as you come crashing down under him.

When you finally come back to yourself Kisame is pressed hard against you, front flat against your back as his body shakes and shudders against yours; clearly riding out his own high.

You both stay like that for a long moment; flushed and panting and sweaty as you regain your senses.

He presses a soft kiss to the back of your neck.

“Thank you, sweetheart,” he murmurs against your skin. “It’s been a long, long time since I’ve had a woman like you.”

“Any time, big guy,” you pant with a grin. “I’d _love_ to do that again.”

He chuckles as he pulls out and stands up. You scoot back off the bed and make your way around it to your nightstand as he ties the condom off and tosses it into the trash. Your legs feel like jelly. You’re honestly surprised you can walk at all.

“Here,” you say a moment later to catch his attention. He looks up just as you toss a baby wipe to him, catching it easily.

“Thanks,” he replies with a grin as he wipes himself down before going to gather up his sleep pants and underwear. You crawl back onto the bed after cleaning yourself up, watching silently as he redresses.

As he moves to leave, however, you break that silence.

“Would you like to stay here tonight?” you blurt just as his hand grabs the door handle. For some reason the thought of him just up and leaving after all that doesn’t sit right with you.

He glances back at you, eyes wide in surprise.

“I don’t- you don’t have to-” he stammers, clearly at a loss for what to say.

“I _want_ to,” you say gently, eyes soft. “Please?”

His face takes on that adorable blush again. It makes you want to kiss his cheeks.

“…Alright,” he concedes softly.

You grin and scramble under the covers as he makes his way back over to the bed, flipping the covers down for him as he stops on the side you’re not occupying. His face is still that cute purple-red as he climbs in and gets situated. You turn and set your alarm before flicking off your lamp. In the darkness of the room you snuggle against him, sighing contently as you rest your arm across his chest and tangle your legs with his. Slowly, almost reluctantly, the arm closest to you wraps under your body and pulls you against him.

“Goodnight, Kisame.”

“…Goodnight, sweetheart.” 

*

Kakuzu is coming back from the bathroom as Kisame is leaving your room the next morning. Kisame reaches out to grab his shoulder as he’s passing by. Kakuzu stops and goes stiff, turning to narrow his eyes at him but otherwise doesn’t say or do anything else.

“I like our new toy,” Kisame rumbles with a grin. There’s a sharp edge to it, though. One that goes beyond just his teeth. “Don’t break her.”

With a parting pat to his shoulder, Kisame continues past him in the opposite direction towards the kitchen.

Kakuzu just rolls his eyes as he heads back to his room. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is my thirsty babes! Hopefully I did our big fish boi justice lol. As always thanks for reading, have a good weekend, and stay safe!


	9. Learning Curve pt. 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grab a snack and settle in, babes. This one's a little long. :P

The next few days fall into a pseudo routine.

Wake up at 6:30, go through your morning rituals, and then meet Itachi in the kitchen for your morning tea before starting breakfast. Thankfully by the time the rest of the guys get up you’re already awake and alert enough to properly appreciate their rowdiness. After dishes, if you’re not dragged off to bed by either Hidan or Deidara, you do spot cleaning. You’ve decided that the heavy cleaning will be done on Mondays and Thursdays. Then you read until lunch and usually get dragged off to bed again soon after.

You quickly find the little gazebo behind the compound and promptly start spending your afternoons reading out there. Then comes dinner and if you’re not roped into a card game or another round of horizontal tango afterwards you usually just take your shower early and retire to your room. 

…Usually to do more reading.

It’s honestly nice, though. You’ve never had this many books to read or even the time to read this much before.

Of course the inevitable…meeting…throws a bit of a wrench into it on Thursday.

You’re honestly surprised he waited as long as he did.

Like Kisame did his first time he waits until you’re getting ready for bed to make his move. You don’t even hesitate anymore at the knocks on your door; naturally assuming it’s one of the usual suspects or Kisame. So when you open it to see tan, stitched skin and scary red-green eyes glaring you down you can’t help but freeze.

“Well?” Kakuzu grumps as you stand there staring at him like you just got hit in the head with a brick. “Aren’t you going to let me in?”

You just nod dumbly and step to the side. Might as well just get this over with as quickly as possible and hope he leaves you alone again for a while.

He walks in like he’s attending a business meeting; stiff and quick and no-nonsense. Instead of heading to your bed, however, he strolls straight over to your desk. You watch in mild confusion as he quickly unbuttons and unzips his pants, pulling out his already hard cock as he plops his ass down in your chair like he belongs there.

You can’t help but be a little dumbfounded.

“At least close the goddamn door while you’re standing there catching flies,” he huffs as he starts stroking himself.

You immediately slam it shut but otherwise make no move to go near him.

“You can’t suck me off if you’re all the way over there, girlie,” he growls, clearly getting impatient.

“I don’t want to die with a dick in my mouth!” you blurt, anxiety getting the better of you. Technically you don’t want to die at _all_ but you definitely don’t want to go out like some poor victim in a shitty dime store ‘true’ crime paperback.

He snorts as he leans back to get more comfortable, hand still pumping away. “You’re not going to die. The shit storm that would result if I kill you now wouldn’t be worth the hassle. Now get over here.”

You ease over like you’re afraid he might explode if you move too fast. Once you’re finally in front of him you just stand there, nervous and unsure.

He rolls his eyes as he reaches out to grab your shoulder with his free hand before promptly pushing you down to your knees. You just stare at his dick with wide eyes. Objectively, it is a _very_ nice dick; one you would very much like to ride if the owner of it wasn’t such a colossal fucking asshole. You’re a little surprised to see that it doesn’t have any stitches. It twitches as he pulls his hand back, obviously expecting you to take over.

“Well?" he huffs. "The sooner you get me off the sooner we can both move on with our lives, girlie.”

“Yeah…I…I’ve never actually done this before…” you admit sheepishly. Sure, you’ve read about it in your _Icha Icha_ books but reading about it and actually putting it into practice are two completely different things. Plus Kakuzu scares the shit out of you so that definitely isn’t helping matters.

"Don't tell me you were a virgin before all this," he growls as he glares down at your prone form between his legs.  
  
You frown up at him. "Technically no, but my first and only time before I took this job may or may not have involved only three minutes of actual action followed by twenty minutes of crying."  
  
His eyes narrow further. "Wait, who did the crying?"  
  
"Both. Both of us did the crying."  
  
"Shit," he hisses as he scrubs a hand down his face. "Of all the women he could have picked he had to grab one that might as well be a virgin."  
  
"Hey!" you pout, indignant. "What I lack in experience I more than make up for in enthusiasm!"  
  
Kakuzu furrows his brows, watching with a mixture of confusion and horror as you stick your tongue out of your mouth and come at his dick with all the “enthusiasm” of a kid who was dared to lick the metal tetherball poll in the dead of winter.

“Stop,” he says gruffly, putting his hand on your head and pushing you away. “Just…stop. This is embarrassing.” He stands up and tucks himself back into his pants. Then he starts heading towards the door.

“Wait, where are you going?”

“Back to my room.”

“Why?!” Surely you weren’t _that_ bad!

“Because there I can actually jerk off in peace.”

“You’d rather jerk it than be with me?!” An asshole he may be but you still have your pride to think about, damn it!

“Anything would be better than that piss poor excuse for a blowjob,” he deadpans.

“But how am I supposed to get any better at it if I can’t practice?!”

He snorts and opens the door to leave. “You can ‘practice’ on the others. I don’t have the patience. I expect you to be better the next time we try this.” And with that he’s gone, closing it behind him with a heavy hand.

Well, overall that honestly went way better than you expected.

Small mercies.

*

You’re sitting out in the gazebo after lunch on Friday when someone else decides to shake up your routine.

“So this is where you choose to hide away…”

You yelp, promptly dropping the book in your hands as you immediately jump to your feet. Zetsu…stands?...a few feet away in the yard watching you with a strange sort of amusement on his face. How on earth is he half in the ground like that? And why can’t he just stand on top of it like a normal person?

…Then again, most of these guys aren’t exactly what you’d call ‘normal.’ Are all shinobi this freaking weird?

“Relax,” he snickers. “Leader just sent us to see how you’re settling in. We’re not here for anything else. **For now, anyway _…”_**

What the fuck? He’s got two different voices to match his two different sides. And he keeps saying ‘we’ instead of ‘I’. Is he bipolar or something? With your luck he is and is also completely unmedicated for it. Great.

…But then what he said registers and your eyes narrow.

“Leader sent you to check on me, huh?” you repeat crisply, propping your hands on your hips.

“That is why we are here, yes. **Do you have worms in your ears, girl? We just said that!”**

Well _that_ will take some getting used to. Still, you suppose he’s technically no stranger than any of these other weirdos and you’re already starting to build up an immunity to _their_ bullshit.

“Well, you can tell Leader that he almost had to pick out some nice buttons for that leather jacket!” you snap back. You just can’t help yourself. The man heavily implied (promised, even!) that he’d have your back here and then promptly threw you to the wolves before fucking right off. He didn’t even stay in the goddamn compound! You think you have the right to be more than a little pissed. “He’ll understand what it means.”

Zetsu nods. “We’ll relay your message right away, miss. **Who are you to use that tone with us? You need to learn some damn respect!”**

You don’t say anything else as you watch him sink back into the ground, still perfectly smooth as if a whole-ass person hadn’t just popped out of it. You roll your eyes as you go back to your book.

_Fucking shinobi._

*

You’re in the middle of a “session” with Hidan later that afternoon when you hear a knock at your door.

“Fuck off!” Hidan shouts, not stopping the pumping of his hips or the swirling of his fingers. “We’re fucking busy in here!”

“Your session can wait,” a familiar deep voice says from the other side. The hair on the back of your neck and arms stands on end.

_Leader._

Hidan’s hips stutter but don’t stop.

“I’ll be done in a fucking minute!” Hidan says like the complete and utter dumbass he is.

“Open the door, Hidan.” It is not a suggestion. “ _Now_.”

“Ugh, fucking _fine_ ,” he huffs with a roll of his eyes as he pulls out. He slips off his condom and tosses it in the trash as you immediately roll off the bed and move to grab your robe off the back of your chair. You quickly put it on and go to open the door yourself, not trusting Hidan to not do or say something stupid.

Sure enough, Pain stands on the other side; strange, ringed eyes boring down on you.

“Good afternoon, Leader,” you say politely with a bow. You’ll just be extra polite to make up for Hidan’s shitheadery.

His eyes rake over your form when you straighten back up. You barely restrain the urge to fidget.

“You appear to be unharmed and entirely in one piece,” he says lowly as he crosses his arms.

You flush. “I take it you got my message, then.” You really weren’t expecting him to follow up on it. Surely if he cared about his promise at all he wouldn’t have disappeared in the first damn place.

He hums lowly in affirmation as he narrows his eyes.

“Well, I wasn’t lying,” you say firmly. “I almost died twice the first damn night I was here.”

“Did you, now?” he asks, cutting his eyes at Hidan. The jackass is lying on your bed, back against the pillows and hands behind his head as he watches.

“Yeah. I only survived thanks to Sasori and Itachi,” you huff as you cross your own arms, irritation coming back to you all over again. This man did leave you here, after all. “The physical wounds are gone, but trust me when I say the mental ones will probably scar me for life.”

“I see,” he says as his strange gaze settles back on you. “Who was it that tried to kill you?”

Oh no. You are _not_ naming any names. The absolute _last_ thing you need is someone coming after you in retaliation. Your lips draw shut into a tight, thin line.

“You fear retaliation,” Pain concludes at your expression. You just nod silently. “Understandable. I have a pretty good idea of the suspects, anyway.” His eyes shoot back up to narrow at the man still on your bed. “The others are already gathered in the dining room for an emergency meeting to discuss this. Go join them.”

Hidan snorts as he gestures towards his hard-on like it's not already obvious. “I’m still hard, man. It’d be pretty fuckin’ difficult to concentrate on some dumbass meeting like this.”

“You have two options,” Pain warns, voice dangerously low. “Either you put on your clothes and go quietly or I drag you there as you are now.”

Hidan just snorts again and rolls his eyes. “Like I give a shit if the others see my dick.”

Apparently that’s the final straw because the next thing you know Pain is gently pushing you out of the way and holding up his other hand towards Hidan, palm out flat. Hidan yelps as he’s promptly yanked off the bed by some invisible force, landing hard on the floorboards with a heavy thunk.

“Stay in your room,” Pain orders as he steps back out into the hall, dragging a naked, cursing Hidan along the floor behind him with whatever the hell terrifying jutsu he’s using. Hidan’s hard-ass head knocks against the doorframe as he goes. You’re pretty sure it was entirely on purpose.

Can’t say you blame him. 

*

Saturday brings a new routine.

Thankfully this one is quite welcome.

“Oh, by the way, sweetheart, Itachi and I will be taking you into town later for a supply run,” Kisame casually throws in over breakfast.

You swallow down the bite of rice porridge in your mouth before answering. Itachi opted for a more ‘traditional’ meal this morning. “Is this going to be an every Saturday thing?” you ask curiously.

“Eh, more of an ‘end of the week’ or ‘whenever we next have a chance’ kind of thing,” Kisame answers as he sets down his drinking glass. “Right now we can keep it semi-routine but it won’t always stay this way once missions start picking back up. Kakuzu will adjust the grocery list accordingly so don’t worry about running out of anything if we’re all gone for a while. If it’s more than two weeks, though, Leader will send Zetsu by to take you.”

Well _that’s_ quite a bit to take in. So obviously you’ll be dealing with Kakuzu for this part. Great.

…And also potentially that weird, creepy plant guy.

Double great.

What Mama Reality gives she can also take away. You knew things were starting to get a bit too comfortable…

You must be making a face because Deidara starts snickering. “Don’t look so constipated over it, yeah. If you’re going to be here for a while you were going to have to deal with them eventually anyway.”

“You mean like I already do with you?” you shoot back lightly with a smirk. Kisame laughs.

Luckily Deidara takes it well and just smirks right back. You’re still getting a feel for these guys, still testing your boundaries.

“I figured more like you do with Hidan, hm,” he retorts. You snort.

“Man, why the fuck you gotta drag me into this, blondie?” Hidan spits around a mouthful of porridge. Luckily none of it lands on the table. You’d (sort of) hate to have to hurt him. “Do I really have to be the ass end of every one of your ‘jokes’? Learn some more material, bitchface.”

You actually choke, hand flying to your mouth to keep from doing exactly what you were about to smack Hidan for earlier. Kisame pats at your back with a snicker.

Deidara just snorts around his glass of milk. “It’s not _my_ fault you’re such an easy target.” He takes a drink before he continues. “Stop being such a dumbass and maybe I’ll _have_ to find some ‘more material’, hm.”

You’re outright laughing now, leaning sideways against Kisame for support.

“Keep talking shit and maybe I’ll _have_ to kick your ass!”

“Pft. And you’re telling me _I_ need to get more material?”

The bickering continues as you all finish breakfast, Tobi once again helping you with the dishes afterwards. You actually enjoy his chattiness, even if a lot of what comes out of his mouth is a bit childish.

As you’re putting up the bowls you feel arms wrap around your waist from behind.

“It’s Saturday, babe…” Hidan purrs into your ear. “You know what _that_ means.”

“The good cartoons are finally on?” you reply dryly with a smirk. Tobi snickers from where he’s putting up the spoons.

Hidan huffs, the warm air making you shiver. “I’ve got something a lot more entertaining than some stupid cartoons in mind…”

“We’re going to the movies?!” you squeal with false excitement. Tobi starts laughing.

“Jashin damn it, _I want to fuck you, babe_!” Hidan spits in irritation. “It’s finally bare-back day!”

You laugh as you pat at the arms still around your waist. “I knew that’s what you wanted, Hidan,” you hum with a bright-eyed smile. He’s just too fun and easy to get riled up. “I was just teasing you.”

“Just watching you teases me enough,” he murmurs lowly, clearly placated.

“Aw, I’m flattered!” you coo, turning your face to give him a peck on the cheek. Surprisingly, he flushes. It’s cute. “But you’re going to have to wait a bit longer. I want to be able to walk later when we go into town.” You really just want a bit of down time before you go but you figure flattery will work better than honesty with this one.

The wicked smirk that lights up his face lets you know that your assumption was 100% correct.

“Alright, gorgeous, I’ll wait,” he husks with a gentle squeeze to your middle before letting you go. “But just so you know letting me get all pent up like this is just going to make me fuck you that much harder later.”

Your face burns but you manage to smirk right back at him. “I’m counting on it.”

With a dark chuckle and a parting smack to your ass he turns to leave, heading out of the kitchen and off to do his own thing. You let out a sigh of relief.

…And promptly remember that Tobi is still in the goddamn kitchen and was just forced to witness all of that.

“Oh, god, I’m sorry Tobi!” you turn to apologize, flushed and wide-eyed and clearly embarrassed. “You probably didn’t want to see all that.”

He just snickers and waves a hand dismissively. “Tobi doesn’t mind! He knows Hidan is a shameless pervert.~”

You laugh. “Yeah, I guess you’d know that even better than I would. After all you’ve known him longer.”

“Yeah, but thankfully Tobi’s never been on the receiving end of his ‘affections,’” he says with an exaggerated shudder. You snicker as you turn and start heading towards the living room. Tobi follows.

“He’s really not so bad,” you hum as you go to grab your book off the coffee table before plopping down on the couch. “He’s a _lot_ better in bed than most reasonable women would guess.”

“Please don’t tell Tobi any details!” he whines, covering his ears over his mask.

You laugh as you settle in and get comfortable. “Sorry, Tobi! I guess I’m just getting too used to all this. Pretty soon I’ll be just as bad as _he_ is!” you joke.

“No you won’t!” Tobi says as he plops down cross-legged on the other end, facing you. “You’re far too sweet to sink to his level!”

“And you’re far too sweet for the rest of this group,” you hum with a wink. He really has been nothing but a sweetheart to you. You sometimes wonder how he’s a part of this group at all.

Things lull into an easy quiet as you crack open your book and start to read. Tobi stays seated at the end of the couch, just watching. After a few minutes, though, you start to become mildly uncomfortable. You can’t imagine he’s having much fun just watching you read. It’s almost like he wants something but is too shy or afraid to ask for it.

“Did you want something, Tobi?” you ask gently. You don’t mind his presence but his silent staring is getting unnerving. Especially since you can’t even see his eyes. 

“…Can I sit next to you?” He sounds so sincerely innocent it’s endearing.

You give him a soft smile and pat the cushion next to you. “Of course you can! Come here.”

He scoots over immediately, leaving an inch of space between you. He seems strangely tense; like he’s afraid to accidentally touch you.

“It’s okay to touch me, you know,” you tease gently, reaching out to tug him into your side by his sleeve. “If you want to snuggle all you have to do is ask.”

He relaxes, leaning into your side and sliding down until his head is resting against your shoulder. His mask digs a bit uncomfortably into your skin but it’s tolerable. You scoot your arm out from under him and wrap it around his shoulders before gently tangling your fingers in his hair.

“Would you like me to scratch your head?” you offer with a gentle scratch to his scalp.

“…Yes please.”

You hum in acknowledgement before doing just that; gently massaging his scalp and running your fingers through his surprisingly soft spikes as you use the others to turn the pages of the book in your lap. It’s…really nice, actually. The whole situation is just so soft and easy that you can’t help but relax.

The easy minutes stretch into an easy hour and soon Tobi’s head is in your lap instead, the rest of him sprawled across the length of the couch as you continue your gentle ministrations. His breathing turns deep and even and you wonder if he’s fallen asleep. This is the most still and quiet you’ve ever seen him. It’s cute.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Hidan’s voice loudly interrupts from the main hallway entry. Tobi shifts as you roll your eyes.

“Clearly I’m reading,” you shoot back dryly as you hold up the book in your other hand.

“No, I mean what the fuck are you doing with the freak?” he rudely asks as he comes over to stand by your end of the couch.

You scowl up at him. “ _Tobi_ and I are snuggling,” you snap hotly, clearly pissed. Just because he’s a little eccentric doesn’t mean he deserves to be called names. “And because you’re being an asshole to him I’m not going to give you the same treatment until you straighten up your act!” Knowing Hidan and his selfishness you’re sure that was going to be the next question out of his mouth so you’re just going to nip that in the bud right now.

“WHAT?!” he shouts. “You can’t do that!”

“I can and I will!” you huff, hand never leaving Tobi’s head. “I may have to have sex with you but my contract said no such thing about cuddles! You’ll have to _earn_ this!”

“And how the fuck am I supposed to ‘earn’ it, bitch?” he snaps as he crosses his arms.

“By learning to be _nice_ ,” you huff as you go back to your book. As far as you’re concerned this conversation is over.

“Bitch, I don’t _do_ ‘nice’.”

“Then I guess there will be no head scratches for you.”

Surprisingly, he goes quiet, eyes narrowing as he watches you continue to run your fingers through Tobi’s hair.

“What’s all this racket, un?” Deidara pipes up from the doorway as he walks through it. You roll your eyes again. So much for a quiet, easy morning.

“Hidan’s just being a pissbaby as usual,” you explain flatly. Hidan growls while Tobi and Deidara snicker. 

Deidara strolls around to a stop at the opposite end of the couch from Hidan, blue eye zeroing in on your hand resting on Tobi’s head.

“Didn’t know _that_ was an option, hm,” he says with a smirk.

“It is if you’re nice to me. …And Tobi,” you add as you pin him with a look.

“…And have I been nice enough?”

You tilt your head and glance away as you think about it. Sure, he may suck in bed but he hasn’t been near as much of a fuckboy as Hidan has. He’s also not outright mean to Tobi for the most part unless he says or does something to purposely provoke it. Tobi seems to have a bit of a problem with that.

Plus it would be good to really run the point home with Hidan by accepting. Just to let him see what a little niceness can get him.

“Sure, why not?” you concede with a smirk. “Just remember that this is a privilege that can be revoked, though. Tobi, can you scoot down a bit, please?”

“Sure thing!” he replies brightly as he sits up and scooches down so that the middle of the couch is free before flinging his legs to rest over the arm of it. You toss your book back onto the coffee table and take your place in the middle as Tobi plops his head back down in your lap. You look up at Deidara and smile as you pat the free space next to you.

“What the fuck has bitchface done to deserve it?!” Hidan spouts as Deidara takes up the same position as Tobi on your opposite side.

“Well, he doesn’t keep calling people rude names for one,” you shoot back dryly as you bury your fingers in both of the guys’ hair. Not surprisingly, Deidara’s is soft and silky. You’re glad you agreed to this.

“Yeah, Hidan,” Deidara snickers as he settles in and closes his eyes. “You can’t just call a woman a bitch and then expect her to be nice to you, hm.”

“Whatever!” Hidan pouts as he turns up his nose like a spoiled child. “I’m already getting laid so I don’t need your stupid fucking cuddles anyway!” And with that he stomps away back down the hall, arms still crossed tightly over his chest.

You just roll your eyes and settle back to spend the next hour quietly snuggling. 

*

“Now isn’t this a sweet scene…”

Kisame’s voice snaps you out of the light doze you had fallen into, eyes blinking open blearily. Kisame and Itachi are standing in front of the couch, the former with a grin and the latter looking as passive as ever. When you move to rub your hands over your eyes, though, you remember that they’re both still tangled in Tobi’s and Deidara’s hair.

“What’s up? Is it time for me to make lunch?” you ask around a yawn. Tobi and Deidara both groan and shift. Clearly they had fallen into a bit of a doze, too.

“No,” Itachi answers evenly. “We came to find you so that we can take you into town.”

You perk up immediately, glad for a chance to get out of the house. Though you’ve enjoyed your time here for the most part you’re starting to feel a little stir-crazy.

“Alright guys, time to get up,” you tease with a grin and ruffles of Tobi’s and Deidara’s hair.

“Just five more minutes, yeah,” Deidara mumbles as he rolls over and snuggles deeper into your lap. _So cute!_

“Sorry, Dei, but I have to go get groceries,” you coo as you brush some of his silky hair out of his face. “Don’t you want to have food to eat later?”

He huffs as he cracks an eye open to look up at you. “Ugh, fine, yeah,” he grumbles as he sits up.

“You too, Tobi,” you hum with a pat to the top of his head.

“Can we do this again?” he asks, tilting his mask up to look at you. _Also cute!_

“Sure we can! As long as I’m not busy with cooking or cleaning all you have to do is ask,” you answer with a smile.

“Okay…” he says as he, too, sits up. Now free, you stand up and stretch, trying to get your blood flowing again.

“So how is this going to work?” you ask as you prop your hands on your hips.

“Well, first we need to get the money and the grocery list from Kakuzu,” Kisame explains as he crosses his arms. “Then we’ll carry you to the village on our backs and leave you to it.”

You wince. Yep. Looks like you’ll be dealing with the grumpy bastard for this.

“Don’t worry, sweetheart,” Kisame says with a reassuring grin. “I’ll go with you.”

“Thank you, Kisame,” you answer quietly.

“I will wait for you both outside,” Itachi says evenly as he turns and heads for the front door.

The rest of you all head towards the bedroom hall, Tobi and Deidara wandering off into their own rooms as you and Kisame stop at the entrance.

“Hold on a second, big guy,” you say as you start walking towards your own room. “I’m gonna go get my backpack real quick.” You’re sure it’ll make carrying groceries much easier.

After grabbing said backpack you head back to where Kisame is waiting for you in front of Kakuzu’s door. He gently takes it from your hand before you can throw it over your shoulders, throwing it over one of his own instead as you murmur a quiet thanks. Then you turn to face your fate.

You fidget as you stare dumbly at it. You know it’s immature, but you just can’t help it. The man (quite understandably, in your opinion) scares the shit out of you. And this’ll only be doubly awkward after that…attempt…the other day. You could barely look him in the eyes _before_! How the hell are you supposed to do it _now_?!

“I gottcha, sweetheart,” Kisame rumbles from behind you as he reaches over your head to knock. “Kakuzu? It’s us. We’re getting ready to head out.”

“I’ll be there in a moment,” Kakuzu replies gruffly. Still, he’s being a lot more civil with Kisame than he ever was with you. Asshole.

Sure enough not thirty seconds later he’s opening the door with a money pouch and paper list clenched tightly in his fist.

“This is the grocery list and the money you need to buy everything,” he says stiffly as he digs a few bills out of the pouch and shoves them into your hand along with the paper. “Do _not_ deviate from the list. The money I gave you is only enough to cover what’s on it and no more.” You watch in surprise as he starts digging back into the pouch again. “And this is your pay,” he continues as he shoves a few more bills into your hand. “You’ll receive it at the end of each week or before every trip into town. Whichever comes first. If I’m not here to give it to you you’ll receive all back payments the next time I am.”

“Uh…thanks?” you say, blinking a little owlishly at him. This is the most you’ve ever heard him say at once. Well, that and he’s still being surprisingly civil.

Then he grunts and slams the door in your face.

Right. Still an asshole.

“Eh, don’t worry about him, sweetheart,” Kisame reassures with a gentle squeeze to your shoulder. “He’s always grumpy. Parting with money makes him even more so.”

“So I noticed,” you say drily as you turn and tuck the money and list into a zippered side pouch on your backpack. “Thank you for coming back here with me.”

“No problem, kitten,” he teases with a smirk and a playful ruffle of your hair. Having sex with him really broke down the social barrier between you two. He touches you a lot more casually, now. It’s cute.

“Hey, now that’s no fair!” you fake-pout as you playfully bat his hand away. “I can’t reach your head properly to retaliate!”

“Oh?” he purrs as he bends down closer to your eye level. “You want payback, do you?”

You take your chance and dart your hand out to do just that –

-Only to have him pull back at the absolute last second.

Your pout turns real. He just laughs and ruffles your hair again. The jerk.

“Gotta be faster than that, kitten,” he teases with a bright-eyed grin. “Maybe next time, eh?”

“Whatever,” you huff with a playful hip-bump. Or more like thigh-bump for him since he’s so damn tall. “You better watch your back, mister, because I _will_ get you back for that.”

“Ooo, pretty kitty’s got _teeth_ ,” he rumbles as he starts strolling back towards the front of the compound.

“You’re damn right I do!” you chirp as you follow after him. “And I’m not afraid to use ‘em!”

“Oh, I sure hope not,” he purrs as he looks back over his shoulder to give you a wink. You flush. He just laughs.

Itachi’s waiting outside when you get there, looking as cool and indifferent as ever.

“Will you be carrying her?” he asks as you shut the front door behind you.

“Yeah, I’ve got her this time,” Kisame rumbles with a grin as he shrugs your backpack off his shoulder and hands it to his partner. Itachi just nods as he takes it and swings it over his own shoulders.

“Sorry about this, sweetheart, but we’ve been ordered to keep our location a secret from you,” Kisame says as he pulls a bandana out of his pocket. You just shrug as you turn your back to him so that he can put it on and tie it for you.

“It’s fine,” you reply as you feel the cloth press against your closed eyelids. It’s really not but it’s not like you can say or do anything about it. At least you actually kind of trust these two. Besides Tobi they’ve definitely been the nicest to you so far.

Kisame ties it just tight enough to stay but not enough to give you a headache. You wonder if knot-tying is something all ninja are taught. It wouldn’t surprise you.

“Alright, just hop up on my back and we’ll set off,” he rumbles when he’s finished. You turn back around and put your hands out to feel for him, your palms immediately meeting the broad expanse of his shoulders as he no-doubt crouches down to make this easier for you. You grab them and press your front against his back, feeling his strong hands grip the backs of your thighs as he hitches you up higher.

And then you’re off.

The pace they set is exactly the same as the one Pain and Konan used to bring you here; fast and graceful and through the treetops. Even though you can feel the small bounce each time they jump from tree-branch to tree-branch it’s so slight it’s almost like they’re just bounding over open ground. You wish you could see just how fast you’re going. Shinobi really are incredible.

“So how did you two get stuck with babysitting duty?” you joke as a way to start a conversation. The last trip took a little over an hour, after all.

Kisame chuckles, the vibrations of it rumbling pleasantly against your chest and belly. “We volunteered, actually.”

“Awww, I’m flattered!” you tease as you shimmy up a bit to wrap your arms over his shoulders to hang down near his chest. It’s a bit warmer today so the breeze doesn’t bother you this time around. “You wanted to spend some quality time with little ol’ me?”

“Naw, we just figured you could use a break from Hidan and Deidara,” Kisame teases right back. You can hear the smirk in his tone, but he gives a gentle squeeze to your thighs to let you know he’s joking just in case. “Besides, if we had let them take you like they wanted we probably wouldn’t see you all again until nightfall. Those boys could run a rabbit ragged.”

“Ugh, I know,” you low-key complain with a smile. “You’d swear they’d never seen a woman before in their lives.”

“Our work makes it difficult to pick up dates,” Kisame explains with a hum. “And we’re always busy and on the move.”

You wisely don’t ask just what exactly their ‘work’ entails. You sincerely doubt they’d tell you anyway.

 _“…I assume one that will be smart enough not to bite the hand that feeds her,”_ Pain’s warning echoes in your mind. The last thing you want to do is appear suspicious by asking the wrong questions; even if they _are_ born from genuine curiosity. You have a feeling most shinobi are highly paranoid by default.

“I imagine so,” you hum drily before deciding its best to move on to another topic. “Anyway, how are you all able to do this tree running thing? It’s neat.”

The next hour passes in easy conversation. Sure, it’s mostly just you asking general ninja-related questions and one of them answering, but it’s pleasant and you learn a lot. Apparently chakra control accounts for quite a bit of a shinobi’s skills. By channeling it to their legs and feet they’re able to walk up trees and bound across the branches. Some of them are even able to use it to enhance their strength which is how they’re able to carry you so easily without getting tired (though Kisame proudly assures you that his strength is all-natural and carrying you is no more strenuous for him than breathing. The thick muscles tensing and flexing under your body make you very readily believe him). Apparently they can even walk on water; a feat you make them promise to show you the next time they get the chance.

Before you know it you’re touching down outside of your previous town.

“Alright, sweetheart, you’re on your own from here,” Kisame says jovially as he crouches down to help you slide off his back. You quickly reach out and ruffle his hair before you go.

“Payback,” you say with a smirk as you hit the ground and tug your blindfold off. You’re surprisingly close to where you met with Pain and Konan a week ago.

Kisame laughs. “I thought revenge was best served cold?”

“Eh,” you say with a grin and a dismissive wave of your hand. “An hour is cold enough.”

“We will wait here for you,” Itachi says coolly as he takes your blindfold and shrugs off your empty backpack. “Will an hour be enough to get everything needed?”

You hum as you take your backpack from him and dig out Kakuzu’s list. “Hmm, yeah,” you answer with a nod as you look it over. “An hour should be good.”

“Please be punctual,” Itachi says firmly, dark eyes serious. You’re…not sure you like the implications of that look.

 _Paranoid shinobi_ , your mind whispers quietly.

“Right. Will do,” you reply seriously as you put your backpack on. You wave them off as you start heading towards town, watching as they disappear back into the treetops.

You decide to head to a grocery store on the opposite side of town from your old apartments. The absolute _last_ thing you want is to run into Mr. Fujita. That would obviously suck for a vast number of reasons; the very least of which is that you absolutely hate his stupid fucking guts. Luckily it’s an odd time of day and late morning so hopefully he’s busy doing whatever it is evil asshole landlords do to keep their shitty, life-killing businesses going. You’re sure it’s not much; especially since your old apartments in particular look like something Hidan just wiped his ass with.

After leaving your empty backpack at the counter you grab a cart and proceed to pursue the isles with near-divine purpose. You stick to the list exactly; making sure everything is the same down to the exact weight of the produce. Another thing you absolutely don’t want is to piss off Kakuzu again. Speaking of which…

You glance at the cucumbers, an idea forming.

Maybe it’s time to call in a favor from an old friend…

*

Laden with more groceries than even your giant hiking backpack could handle, you make your way back towards the meeting point. You managed to fit most of it in there, thank god, so all you have to carry are two big brown paper bags; one for each arm. Feeding seven people, six of who are highly active grown men, takes a lot of damn food. Thankfully Kakuzu was right on the nose with the amount of money you needed. It’s kind of incredible, really. You feel a little bad for whoever is going to be carrying all of this back. Chakra enhanced strength or no it’s still awkward to carry.

“I’m back,” you call up into the trees when you near the right place. Itachi and Kisame drop down in a heartbeat, almost startling you into dropping your bags. Even though you were expecting it, it was still so damn sudden.

“Thank you for coming back on time,” Itachi says as he moves to take the bags from your aching arms. You pass them over gladly. Carrying all that as far as you did was quite the work out. If you keep this up you’ll be coming out of this deal with some serious guns.

“It’s no problem,” you sigh as you take off your heavy backpack and stretch your shoulders. “Though I have a bit of a, ah, request for you guys…”

They look at you, curious.

“Is it okay if we stay for another hour?” you ask sweetly with praying hands and big doe eyes. “I want to meet up with a girlfriend for a bit. I like you guys but I’m afraid if I don’t get an outside dose of estrogen soon my ovaries are going to shrivel up and I’m going to grow a beard.”

Kisame laughs but Itachi’s eyes immediately harden.

“Who do you want to meet with?” he asks sternly.

“Her name is Majime,” you answer, shrinking back a little. What happened to your soft, quiet tea buddy? He’s not nearly as overt with it as Kakuzu is but there was a definite shift in his demeanor; one that’s more than a little threatening and uncomfortable. “She’s, ah, a friend of mine from my old apartments.”

“You hesitated,” Itachi says, narrowing his eyes slightly. Kisame stops laughing. “What is she really?”

“She’s a prostitute!” you explain, holding your hands up in surrender. You’d hoped to avoid the fine details but it looks like he’s going to pry them out of you anyway.

_Paranoid shinobi._

“And why do you want to meet her?” Itachi asks as he takes a step forward. You swear you see his eyes flash red.

“Because I need to ask her for some advice!” _Please dear god don’t make me say it. I might just die._

“About what?”

 _Of fucking course_.

“About blowjobs, alright?!” you blurt, tired of being interrogated. After that it all starts tumbling out of you like word vomit. “I don’t know how to give them! Kakuzu wanted one the other day and I didn’t know what the fuck to do so I just sort-of half-ass licked his dick like an idiot until he left! He told me he ‘expects me to be better next time’ and I _really_ don’t want to piss that scary bastard off! I don’t want to die with a dick in my mouth, Itachi!”

Dead silence.

Then Kisame starts laughing so hard you’re surprised he doesn’t throw up. He leans all his weight against a tree as he wheezes, his arms wrapped tight around his sides.

Itachi’s face is blank.

“Look, you can use your ninja jutsu powers to read my mind if you want!” you offer quickly. “I promise that’s all I want to do!” There’s no way your brain can embarrass you any more than your stupid mouth already has.

“That won’t be necessary,” Itachi says coolly, expression still neutral. “I believe you.”

You visibly deflate in relief. “Oh thank god! So does that mean I can go talk to her or…?”

“You have an hour,” he says evenly. “No more.”

“Thank you, Itachi!” you say sincerely, slapping your hands together in thanks as you give him a low bow. Then you move to dig your…practice aids…out of your backpack.

“What are you doing?” he asks, brows furrowing ever so slightly as he watches you pull out two smallish-medium sized cucumbers.

You flush. “I, uh, I bought some cucumbers to help me learn. W-with my own money, of course!” There was no way in hell you were going to deviate from Kakuzu’s list. Not even in the name of giving him better blowjobs. Dick in mouth or no you don’t want to die.

“Oh.” How on earth can he manage to keep his face so blank? It’s unnatural.

In stark contrast you’re a little surprised Kisame hasn’t keeled over and died yet. He’s actually on the ground now, banging his fist against it as he choke-sobs with otherwise silent, shaking laughter. You’d be pleased to have pulled such a reaction from him if the cause weren’t so damn embarrassing.

“Well, uh, I’ll be back in an hour!” you say as you stuff the cucumbers in your pockets and turn to beat a hasty retreat. They stick out of your pants and you’re sure you look ridiculous but right now all you want to do is get away from the epicenter of your embarrassment. You’ll deal with the inevitable teasing and fallout later. You just pray that neither of them tells the other two. Hidan’s already near-insufferable as it is.

Itachi just watches you literally run away with dark, passive eyes.

“Ahhh, I haven’t laughed that hard in _years_!” Kisame says as he claps Itachi on the shoulder, wiping at his own eyes with his other hand. “That woman is the best thing to happen to this organization since we were teamed up!”

Itachi doesn’t disagree.

*

By Mama Reality’s good graces Majime lives in a different apartment complex than the one you previously resided in.

It’s just far enough away from your old residence that you’re not too worried about any unpleasant encounters with your former landlord. She certainly doesn’t live in the lap of luxury but at least her complex doesn’t look like it’s about to fall apart at the next stiff breeze and as far as you know it hasn’t had very many break-ins. You’re just glad you clearly remember where she lives. You’ve only been here once, after all. About a year and a half ago you caught her trying to stumble home from the bar at the end of your street, clearly more than a little tipsy. You’d helped her home least she break her ankles trying to walk in heels or...worse. Thankfully she never seemed to do that again. 

You’d struck up something of a friendship after that. You’d stop and chat for a bit whenever she was working near your building and you had the time. You’d even invited her in for lunch or dinner on occasion. The best was the time she came to your door late one night with two kobe beef steaks; a luxury you’d never be able to afford on your own. You assumed she was celebrating something but she had just waved you off.

 _“What’s the point of sticking around if you don’t live a little?”_ she had explained with a wry grin. _“Besides, I can’t cook for shit, sugar. I know you can do these bad boys far more justice than I could.”_

You made sure those were the best damn steaks either of you had ever tasted.

The memory makes you smile.

So why are you hesitating now?

You stare at her door, fist raised and ready to knock but not following through. Nervous energy gnaws at the pit of your stomach, buzzy and uncomfortable. You’re…worried. You know you probably shouldn’t be, but you are. She had tried for the position you just got, after all. What if she resents you for it? She’d seen you at the interview but besides giving you a sly smile and a wink and you smiling at her in return you didn’t talk. You had been far too nervous, far too embarrassed. Thankfully she had picked up on that when you pulled out your book to read instead and didn’t push it.

You glance at your watch and wince.

Time is ticking and you definitely don’t want to make the guys wait.

You take a deep breath and knock.

After a few moments you hear shuffling on the other side of the door but it doesn’t open. She’s most likely checking through the peephole. You smile and wave at it. A second later you hear the click of a lock and the door swings wide open.

“Hey, sugar!” Majime says brightly with a wide, toothy smile. You relax a bit. Clearly she doesn’t completely hate your guts. Her brow furrows as she glances down near your waist, grin easing into a confused frown. “Why do you have cucumbers in your pockets, honey?”

Your face suddenly burns with the heat of a thousand suns.

“It’s…uh…I…I’ll explain everything inside,” you stutter out. 

“Well then, come in, come in! It’s been a while since we’ve really sat down and talked.”

She ushers you in with a surprisingly strong arm before shutting and locking the door behind you, hand still pressed firmly against your lower back as she leads you into her modest living room. Her apartment may be small but it has proper, separate rooms. She gestures towards the couch and you sit at the end of it, watching as she props her hands on her hips with that megawatt grin back on her face.

“So do you want some tea or something, sugar?” she asks. “I don’t have anything fancy but I have some bagged green and some herbal something or other in there. It’s pretty good.”

“No, thank you, Majime. I’m, uh, on a bit of a time limit,” you answer sheepishly, rubbing at the back of your head as you look away.

“Oh?” she questions, tilting her head curiously. “What for?”

“My new employers are expecting me back in less than 45 minutes,” you explain, finally looking back at her. “I really don’t want to make them wait.”

“I see…” she hums, eyes narrowing slightly as her expression shifts to something a little more serious. “I assume your visit has something to do with your new job, then?”

“Yeah,” you say quietly, glancing down at your lap with a blush.

“Are they treating you alright?”

You startle slightly at the hard edge to her tone, looking back up at her with wide eyes. Though she’s still smiling there’s a hard look in her eyes; a sharp, serious glint that you weren’t expecting from her. She’s usually pretty cheery.

“They treat me fine,” you answer smoothly. Well, at least most of them do. For the most part, anyway. No need to make her worry on your behalf.

“Are they hurting you?” she presses, smile slipping just ever so slightly.

“No,” you lie, keeping your expression neutral as you continue to meet her surprisingly stern gaze. “They’re not. They actually seem to like me pretty well.”

“Well how could they not?” she chirps. Her eyes are still hard, though. Searching. “You’re a sweet little cutie pie that can cook better than most restaurants!”

You flush all over again, embarrassed by the compliments. “Thank you, Majime, but I really am on a time limit,” you cut to the chase, hoping to detract her from her concerns. “I was hoping you could…ah…show me how to…perform fellatio.”

“You want me to teach you how to give blowjobs.”

“…Yes please.”

“Is that why you have the cucumbers?”

“…Yes.”

She laughs, loud and genuine. When she’s finished her eyes are sparkling with mirth, a much more welcome sight than their earlier sternness. 

“Alright,” she says teasingly. “Let’s go wash them off and then get started.”

*

30 minutes later you have the basics mostly down.

Make good use of your tongue, focus on the head, wrap your lips over your teeth so they don’t scrape the guy while you work, use your hands on him at the same time, etcetera, etcetera. Also periodically look up at him through your lashes with heavy bedroom eyes. Apparently guys love that shit. It’s a lot to take in at once but you take plenty of mental notes and you’re sure with some practice you’ll be bringing the guys to their knees in no time.

“Thanks again, Majime,” you say as you’re getting ready to leave. “I really appreciate it.” You were going to (secretly non-ironically) call her a real lifesaver but after seeing her like that earlier you’re afraid it would have set off her alarm bells.

“It’s no problem, honey,” she replies kindly as she follows you to the door. “I’m glad I could help.”

“Welp, I better head out,” you say as you grab the handle. “I don’t want to keep the guys waiting.”

Majime puts her hand on the door before you can open it. You glance up at her, confused.

Her eyes are serious again.

“If this job becomes too much I want you to know that you can tell me,” she says firmly. “I may not be a shinobi but I know some things. I could teach you those, too, if you ever need them.”

“You know how to do jutsu?” you breathe, wide-eyed with a tinge of awe. You never would have guessed it by looking at her.

She hums lowly in affirmation. “Just some basic taijutsu. It…makes the job a little easier for me.”

The fear of resentment comes back full-force, this time tinged with a healthy pinch of guilt. You’ve only had a mere taste of her lifestyle so far. You can’t imagine all the strange, scary things she’s probably been through. 

“Anyway, I better let you get going,” she continues with a smile as she pulls her hand back. “I know you like your independence but know that my door is always open to you should you need it. I wouldn’t mind letting you crash here while you get back on your feet; especially if you cook for me every day,” she says with a wink.

You laugh, your fear ebbing away. “Thank you, Majime,” you hum as you wrap her up in a tight parting hug. “That really means a lot to me.”

“You take care of yourself, sugar,” she says as she returns your hug just as fiercely. “Stay safe.”

“I will,” you assure. _I’ll definitely try, at least._

“And come see me again the next time you get the chance!” she adds as you pull back and open the door.

“I will,” you promise with a grin. Hopefully the guys will let you do this again.

And with a mutual parting wave, you set forth with your newfound knowledge; completely unaware of the swirling red eyes that watch your retreating form with relief.

“See, Itachi? I told you that you had nothing to worry about,” Kisame says, crossing his arms as he, too, watches you leave. “Nothing about that girl even _whispers_ ‘civilian intel plant.’ You’re just being paranoid.”

“You can never be too careful, Kisame,” Itachi replies coolly as he turns and starts leaping back towards the woods. “It’s one of the very first lessons they drill into you at the academy for a reason.”

“And you really think Leader and Konan wouldn’t have already done their research before bringing her to the base?” Kisame asks as he follows after him.

“Like I said, you can never be too careful,” Itachi reiterates flatly, voice remaining steady despite jumping from rooftop to rooftop. “It is possible that they could have missed something. We don’t know how long they actually watched her.”

“Yeah, well, you’re satisfied now, right?” Kisame asks with a tinge of sarcasm. “I don’t want you scaring her off. You heard that Majime lady. She’s got a place to go if she ever gets tired of our shit.”

“I doubt Leader would let her go so easily now that she’s been with several of our members.”

Kisame snorts as he rolls his eyes. “And what is she going to tell people, exactly? Our dick sizes? She doesn’t know anything, Itachi.”

“You’d be surprised at the information intelligence specialists can glean from even the most mundane facts,” Itachi throws back. “Especially if they have an agent that specializes in mind reading or transfer jutsus and can look into her memories themselves.”

“Yeah, okay, I get it. Now are you going to back off on your interrogation shtick or not? I really don’t want you to scare her off. Kakuzu alone is bad enough.”

“…Yes.”

“Good. Because I’d hate to have to hurt you.”

“As if you actually could.”

Kisame laughs. 

*

You arrive at the meeting point out of breath.

You’d had to sprint the last half in order to make it on time. You _really_ don’t want to keep the guys waiting. Itachi seems suspicious of you enough as it is. You don’t want to give him any more reason to be.

“I’m back!” you pant as you bend over and brace your arms against your knees. Ugh, you are really getting a workout today.

“And still with the cucumber I see,” Kisame teases as he lands in front of you, Itachi touching down not far behind him.

You flush as you pat at your pocket. You’d shoved it in there after you were finished with it mostly on reflex.

“Hey, I needed a snack for the trip back!” you joke as you pull it out. “Besides, I didn’t want to let it go to waste,” you continue before taking a big bite out of it.

“Hopefully that’s not something your friend taught you to do,” Kisame snickers as he watches. “I like your teeth, kitten, but I’d prefer it if they stay above the belt.”

You almost choke, slamming your fist against your chest to keep the bite in your mouth from going down the wrong way. You knew the teasing would start immediately.

“What, the big, scary shark-nin doesn’t like a little danger in the sack?” you wheeze with a grin and watery eyes. “Color me surprised.”

“Oh, so I’m _scary_ now, am I?” he purrs as he snatches the cucumber from your hand. “You don’t seem to think so whenever I have my head between your thighs, kitten.” At this he takes his own bite from your snack, showing off those bright, razor-sharp teeth.

Your face feels like it’s on fire. Doesn’t he know where that cucumbers _been_?! You say as much.

“Oh I know _exactly_ where it’s been, sweetheart,” Kisame snickers as he takes another bite.

“I would prefer to get back before nightfall, please,” Itachi cuts in flatly, clearly tired of watching your verbal foreplay. 

“Sorry, Itachi!” you apologize because you know Kisame sure as hell won’t. You look around for the groceries since clearly no-one is holding them. “Where are the groceries, by the way?”

“I put them in a storage scroll,” Itachi explains. “I’ll show you when we get back to base. Now please put on your blindfold,” he says, pulling it out of his pocket and handing it to you. You tie it around your head and wait for one of the guys to guide you onto their back.

“Do you want to carry her this time, Itachi?”

“I do not have a preference.”

Kisame snickers. “Sure you don’t. Why don’t you go ahead and carry her back, then? The physical contact will do you good.”

“Fine.”

You feel something brush against your front and you instinctively reach out, feeling around until you find his shoulders. They’re not nearly as broad as Kisame’s, obviously, but they still feel strong and solid under your hands. You feel his wrists brush past your hips as his fingers grip the backs of your thighs. You jump up a little as you settle against his back and let him take your weight.

It just occurs to you that this is your first time touching Itachi.

Not once in the entire week you’ve been with them has he tried to initiate any form of physical contact. All the others have touched you in one form or another. Sure, Tobi hasn’t tried to initiate sex but he _has_ snuggled with you and tackles you into the occasional bear hug. Even Sasori had to touch your neck in order to heal you that first night. Itachi obviously just isn’t a very physical person.

“Are, uh, are you really okay with this?” you ask as you feel your stomach lurch. Clearly they’re going through the treetops again.

“If I wasn’t I wouldn’t have offered,” he answers evenly.

“No offense, Itachi, but I have a feeling you’re the kind of person who puts up with a lot of shit you’d really prefer not to,” you say dryly. You really wouldn’t be surprised if he hid his discomfort to spare your feelings. “I mean you’ve stuck around Hidan and Deidara this long and god knows your personalities don’t exactly gel.”

Kisame snickers again. “She’s got you there, partner.”

“If you don’t like me touching you like this you can hand me off to Kisame,” you continue gently. “It won’t hurt my feelings. Besides, it’d serve him right since he pretty much forced you into this.”

You hear Kisame let out an amused snort. “Carrying you is hardly a punishment, kitten.”

You feel Itachi’s grip on your thighs tighten ever so slightly.

“I promise I do not mind.”

You smile and rest your chin on his shoulder.

“Well if you _insist…_ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part two will come next week! Need to give you all some time to let everything in this chapter sink in, after all. :P The next one isn't as long but I feel like it was the best way to split it. As always thank you for reading, stay safe, sane, and healthy, and have a good week!


	10. Learning Curve pt. 2

So it turns out storage scrolls are one of the coolest, most convenient things _ever_.

As soon as you're on your own two feet and once again able to see, Itachi pulls it out of his cloak. You watch on in curiosity and mild excitement as he unrolls in and lays it flat on the ground. Then he makes a hand sign before pressing his palms flat against the kanji-covered paper and _poof!_ There’s your backpack and groceries. How the hell did it all fit in there? You know it has something to do with seals and chakra but to you it still seems like magic.

“That is so _cool_ ,” you breathe, wide-eyed as you squat down to pat at the paper. Yep, it is definitely both solid and flat. Just normal-ass paper. Well, obviously it’s _not_ but it sure looks and feels like it. “And so convenient! Could I learn how to do something like this?”

“You would have to learn basic chakra control first,” Itachi explains as he watches you. “The older you are the harder it gets but it is possible. This is a beginner level jutsu so it wouldn’t be too hard to master once you could properly focus your chakra.”

“Could you teach me?” you ask, looking up at him with big puppy eyes. This would be _so_ much easier than lugging around heavy grocery bags and your even heavier backpack.

“I would need to confirm it with Leader, first,” he says coolly as he rolls up the scroll and tucks it back into his cloak. “He specifically chose a civilian for a reason. Teaching you even the basics would alter that status.”

You snort and roll your eyes as you stand back up. “Like learning a piddly little storage jutsu would make me a threat to you guys.”

Kisame laughs as he ruffles your hair. “It’s not the jutsu he’d be worried about, sweetheart. It’s the chakra control.”

“Like learning chakra control would make me a threat to you guys,” you reiterate with a pout as you smooth your hair back into place. “Doesn’t it take, like, _years_ to become really, really good at it? I just want to become good enough to shove my shit in a scroll.”

Kisame chuckles as Itachi answers.

“Even so it would still need to be cleared with Leader,” he says as he gathers up the two bags and starts heading towards the front door. Kisame grabs your backpack before gently nudging you after Itachi. Then he follows behind you, bringing up the rear.

As soon as you’re through the threshold you’re tackled by a black and orange blur.

“Hey, Tobi,” you wheeze, the air all but knocked out of your lungs. Kisame just snickers as he heads past you following Itachi towards the kitchen. 

“Tobi was worried when you didn’t come back on time!” he cries as he rubs his “cheek” against yours. “I was afraid I’d have to send out a search party!”

“It was only an extra hour,” you soothe, patting at his back the best you can with your restricted arms. “I just stayed to talk to a friend of mine for a bit. I like you guys but I needed some girl talk, ya know?”

“Tobi can do ‘girl talk’!” he says as he pulls back. He brings a fist to where his mouth would be behind his mask and clears his throat. “Oh my goodness!” he starts in a high falsetto, pressing his hands against his cheeks as he wiggles his hips. “It’s been so _long_ , _________! However have you been? Oh, and I just _love_ what you’ve done with your hair! You simply _must_ tell me the name of your stylist!~”

You stare at him for a moment in wide-eyed surprise.

Then you promptly bust a gut laughing.

“Oh my god!” you wheeze as you wipe at your eyes. “That was beautiful and I appreciate the effort but there’s a bit more to it than that. Besides, I’d prefer it if you just stay, well, _you_.”

“Tobi can do that!” he chirps as he snuggles you into another bear hug. 

You head into the kitchen once he lets you go, him following right behind you. Itachi and Kisame are already working on putting the groceries up and you and Tobi both join in. Between the four of you it takes no time at all.

Once everything is in its proper place you set to work on making lunch. You decide to make up a meal plan later to save yourself some time and energy down the road. Except for breakfast, of course. That will remain Itachi’s choice.

Not surprisingly, you’re approached as soon as the lunch dishes are done; arms once again wrapping around your waist from behind.

“It’s been a week, hm,” Deidara purrs in your ear. “You know what tha-”

“OI! BITCHFACE! I HAD FIRST DIBS THIS TIME!”

 _Oh for fuck’s sake._ You sigh as you pinch between your eyes.

“Well I didn’t know so it doesn’t count, yeah!” Deidara spits back as his arms tighten around your middle. “Besides, I was here first!”

“LIKE FUCK YOU WERE!” Hidan shouts as he stomps over to stand beside the two of you, red-faced and glaring daggers. “I woulda fucked her this morning but she had to go into town!”

“What does going into town have to do with anything?! You could have had her before she left!”

“She needed to be able to walk, stupid! She’s going to be bed-bound by the time I’m through with her!”

“Like your stupid dick is anywhere _near_ that good, yeah!”

_Are you there, god? It’s me, ya girl. A quick lightning bolt to the face is all I ask…_

“GUYS!” you interrupt, pulling out of Deidara’s arms to turn and face them both. They stop immediately, waiting. You cross your arms and cock a hip. “I’ll tell you what. I’ve got something I’ve been meaning to practice anyway so I’ll take you both on, okay? Are you two willing to share at the same time?”

Hidan and Deidara look at each other.

Hidan smirks.

Deidara smirks back.

The next thing you know you’re once again slung over Hidan’s shoulder, body jostling as they make their way towards your bedroom.

As soon as your door is shut and locked they’re on you; Hidan attacking from the front while Deidara presses against you from behind. Hidan’s sinful tongue is in your mouth in a heartbeat, Deidara’s hands up your shirt as they grope at your breasts. Luckily his weird hand mouths don’t bite you this time. His rough, awkward grip isn’t really doing anything for you, but hey. At least you’re not bleeding.

Hidan slips his hand down the front of your pants to run his fingers over your slit as he devours your mouth, tips brushing over and around your quickly swelling clit as you shiver against him.

“Been waiting to really feel this pretty pussy around my cock all week, gorgeous,” Hidan pulls back to husk in your ear. “I know you’re going to feel amazing, babe. So slick and soft and warm…”

Your resulting moan in cut off by Deidara’s mouth crashing into yours from your other side, teeth clacking. You grunt as he proceeds to move his lips against yours without any grace or skill. Between his awkwardness and Hidan’s skilled fingers you find yourself in some strange limbo between annoyance and arousal.

Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea…

Luckily Hidan is impatient and only toys with you just long enough to get you slick. As soon as his fingers pull back wet he tugs your pants and panties down to pool around your ankles before shoving Deidara away long enough to get your shirt and bra off. Once you’re completely naked he promptly scoops you up and tosses you onto the bed where you land with a bounce and a yelp.

“Where do you want us, babe?” Hidan huffs as he starts to strip. Deidara follows his lead.

After thinking about it for a moment, you scoot towards the edge of the bed and hop off. Before the guys can ask what you’re doing you turn around and bend over it, ass out and front resting against the mattress.

“Dei, I want you here,” you say as you pat the space in front of you. “Hidan, you take the back.” You definitely want him to be the one back there because he actually knows what the fuck he’s doing.

Hidan smirks. “You got it, babe!” he says as he takes up position. Of course he can’t help but smack your ass as he does so. You just roll your eyes as Deidara crawls onto the bed to sit in front of you, legs spread out on either side of your body.

Hidan slides home just as you gently grab Deidara’s fully hard cock to give him a few good strokes, all three of you moaning in near-unison.

“I was right,” Hidan groans as he gives your ass another good smack. “You feel amazing, gorgeous. You’ve got such a perfect little cunt.”

Deidara glares at him over your back, looking pouty. Before he can get too huffy, however, you bring your tongue out to play; running a long, wet stripe up the underside of his throbbing cock. His breath hitches, eye immediately drawn back down to you.

“You’re going to use that pretty mouth on me, huh?” he huffs with a smirk, eye lidded. You just look up at his flushed face through your lashes as you do it again, a bit slower this time. He moans as his hand instinctively tangles in your hair.

Behind you Hidan sets a steady, languid pace; hips smacking against your ass almost leisurely. Clearly despite his earlier impatience and enthusiasm he wants to enjoy you a bit.

Despite the lovely stretch and slick, pleasant friction between your legs you do your best to focus on Deidara. You really do need to practice, after all. After using your tongue to thoroughly slick the length of him you move your hand to gently grip the base of it; palm gliding much easier now as you gently stroke up and down while twisting your wrist. Deidara’s hand tightens in your hair as you take his flushed head into your hot mouth, once again looking up at him as you start to lightly suck.

Not to be ignored, Hidan squeezes a hand between the bed and your front to start playing with your clit again. You moan around Deidara’s cock; making it twitch in your mouth as he sucks in a sharp breath and bucks his hips.

“Ah!” you pull back to chastise as you give him a pout. “None of that, now. I don’t want to puke all over your dick.”

“…We really need to work on your dirty talk, babe,” Hidan pants.

“That wasn’t dirty talk, it was a warning!” you spit as you shoot a glare at him over your shoulder. “Besides, I figure if anyone here was into that sort of thing it’d be you.”

“Okay, I’m into some weird shit but even _I_ draw the line at vomit and, well, literal shit.”

“…Guys I’m still here, hm,” Deidara cuts in with a gentle tug to your hair.

“Sorry, Dei,” you apologize as you turn back to him with a lidded look. “Just try your best to keep still while I work, okay?” Deidara just flushes and nods.

You take his cock in your mouth again, this time gently working your way down as far as you can comfortably go before slowly pulling back up. Deidara’s hand tightens in your hair but otherwise he thankfully keeps still.

Meanwhile, Hidan’s decided that now is a good time to pick up the pace; hips snapping smartly against your ass as he continues to work your clit with short, precise movements. It’s…getting more than a little distracting. You reach back with your free hand to gently smack his arm away, holding up a finger in a silent tell to wait. You’d rather finish Deidara first. The last thing you want is him getting pouty over not getting his fair share of attention.

Focusing all your attention on the man in front of you, you bring the hand that’s not working the base of his cock to cup his balls. His breath hitches again, hips twitching but not bucking. You reward him with a gentle hum and he gasps. You glance up to see that pretty face of his flushed, blue eye dark and lidded and focused entirely on you. Okay, so you can definitely see the appeal to this, now. You can’t deny that it makes you feel strangely powerful to be able to do this to him; fills you with a feminine sort of pride.

You decide to pick up the pace; bobbing up and down on his cock while your hand works what you can’t fit into your mouth. You use all the tricks Majime taught you; sucking and licking and swirling your tongue around the head. All too soon Deidara is putty in your hands, a pretty, moaning mess. When you feel his balls tighten in your hand you know he’s close.

You coyly look up at him through your lashes as you take him as far as you can go and hollow your cheeks; just like Majime taught you.

And that’s all it takes.

Deidara comes with a strangled choking noise, hand tugging at your hair as he spills the evidence of his pleasure down your throat. It’s a bit salty and bitter but not unbearably so. You swallow it down as you continue to look up at him, feminine pride mixing with arousal at his beautifully red and panting face.

“ _Finally_ ,” Hidan huffs as you pull off of Deidara. “Now you can focus on _me_.”

He pulls out and flips you over onto your back in a motion so smooth and quick you don’t even have time to yelp before he’s sliding back into you again. He moves your legs, pressing your thighs against his abdomen as he rests the backs of your calves against his chest and broad shoulders. You moan as he moves a hand to thumb at your clit as he picks up the pace, thrusts still smooth and deep.

“That’s it, babe,” he coos with a dark grin. His pale skin is flushed and damp with a thin sheen of sweat, dark magenta eyes lidded as they watch you with smug, predatory lust. “Keep making those sexy fucking noises for me.”

You moan again, eyes going lidded and hazy as you buck up against him, your fingers curling tightly in the sheets.

Movement above you catches your attention. You tilt your head back for a better look, Deidara’s curious expression coming into view. He takes in your face with a wide blue eye, gaze raking over it slowly before moving down your body to settle on where you and Hidan are joined.

He’s never seen you like this before. In all the times he’s had you you’ve never been like this with him. Compared to this you almost seemed bored, distant. Nowhere near the beautifully writhing and panting mess you are right now. He noticed that you didn’t pull out the lube for Hidan like you always do with him, either. And yet he can see the obvious slick shining between your thighs and on Hidan’s stomach, the lewd sound of it reaching his ears with every thrust of Hidan’s hips. His hand is still working between your thighs and Deidara leans over you for a better look, gaze honing in on the swollen little nub his teammate is roughly rubbing his thumb against. 

“Look at me, babe,” Hidan pants as he gently grabs your chin with his free hand and tilts your head back down to look at him. “Focus on me. I want to see that gorgeous ‘fucked silly’ look on your face as you come around my cock.”

You whine at his words, hips bucking up again as your muscles clench around him. His hips stutter as he hisses, movements short and jerky before smoothing back out.

“That’s it, gorgeous,” he grits through clenched teeth as his thumb presses a little harder against your clit. “Just like that.”

When he leans forward to press your legs back against your front you don’t last long. The new angle makes his cock catch just right on your g-spot, every thrust deep and making you feel so, so full. You keen as you come, head thrown back as your knuckles grip the sheets so hard they ache. Hidan chokes as you clench and shudder and come crashing down around him, thrusts turning short and jerky before finally stilling completely as he finishes inside you.

You both sit there for a moment as you come back down, chests heaving as you stare into each other’s hazy eyes. 

“What did you just do, yeah?”

Deidara’s breathless question snaps you both back to the present, both of you tilting your heads to look at him. His face is flushed a deep red, eye dark and trained intently on yours.

“The fuck you mean, blondie?” Hidan pants out, still trying to catch his breath. “We just had sex.”

“No, I mean what did you do to ________?” he clarifies, never looking away from you. “I’ve never seen her do that, un.” Everything about that was incredible. Your erotic noises, the flushed sheen of your skin, the hazy, blissed-out look on your pretty face and that explosive, shuddering finish…it was all a perfect work of art. How come he hasn’t seen it before?

“I gave her an orgasm, bitchface,” Hidan says as his brows furrow in confusion. “How do you not-” It hits him suddenly, eyes going wide in realization.

…But then it slowly gives way to the smuggest, most shit-eating grin you’ve ever seen.

“You’ve never made her come, have you?” Hidan taunts.

“THAT’S what it’s supposed to look like?!” Deidara spits in wide-eyed surprise.

“BITCH, YOU HAVE _MOUTHS_ ON YOUR FUCKING _HANDS_ AND YOU’VE _STILL_ NEVER MADE HER COME?!” Hidan shouts, clearly enjoying this far, far too much.

“ _Shut up_ ,” Deidara hisses as he leans over and punches Hidan in the shoulder. “Are you _trying_ to tell the whole damn base, yeah?!”

“Bitch I’m telling _everybody_!” Hidan crows with wild-eyed glee. “This is just too fucking funny _not_ too!”

With a parting pat to your hip he pulls out and promptly strolls over to the door to share his new-found knowledge with the world; throwing it open with all the gusto of a man on a mission.

“HEY GUYS!” he shouts down the hall before he even steps out into it. “THE BITCH WITH FOUR FUCKING MOUTHS HAS NEVER MADE _________ FUCKING COME!”

Kisame’s booming laughter echoes from the living room.

“I guess his art is the only way he knows how to make a real bang!” you hear him shout back.

Hidan’s grin turns maniacal as he laughs right back. “Oh, man, Kisame! You should have fucking seen it! The look on his stupid bitch face was _so fucking funny_!” he calls as he finally steps out and slams your door shut behind him, no doubt off to rely the whole sordid tale to anyone who will listen.

You glance back up at Deidara, worried that he’s about to explode. You _really_ don’t need a repeat of that first night.

His face is red but he’s got his head down, his hands clenched into tight fists against his thighs.

“Hey, now, Dei, don’t let him get to you,” you say soothingly as you sit up and scoot over to sit next to him, putting a comforting hand against his arm. “You know Hidan is a huge asshole. And I’m sure everyone here knows to take his stories with a healthy pinch of salt.”

“Why didn’t you tell me I’ve never made you come, yeah?!” he blurts, finally looking up at you.

You blink and pull back a little in surprise. You figured he’d be more mad at Hidan than anything. “I just…didn’t think you cared. It was just easier to lay back and let you get it out of your system.”

“Well I definitely care _now_!” he spits, waving a hand at you. “That was _incredible_! You looked _amazing_ , yeah! I didn’t know women were supposed to look like that during sex!”

You flush so hot you’re surprised your face doesn’t catch fire.

“I…though you would figure it out when I didn’t seem very interested…” you reason, glancing away.

“Well you never said anything so I didn’t know!” He huffs as he crosses his arms.

You bristle. “Hey, now don’t go pinning this on me!” you snap as you glare at him. “It’s not _my_ fault you didn’t do your goddamn research!”

“And how am I supposed to do ‘research’ exactly?!” he snaps right back. “It’s not like I can just waltz up to any woman I meet and ask them to show me!”

You roll your eyes. “There are these wonderful things called _books_ , Deidara! That’s how I got most of _my_ sex ed! That and asking people questions!”

“What books, yeah?” he asks, leaning in and obviously interested. “Do you still have them? Can I read them?”

Aaaand your face is burning hot again. You literally just sucked this man off! Why the fuck is _this_ embarrassing?!

“Uh, yeah, hold on,” you mutter as you slide off the bed and head over to your desk. You grab the two worn out _Icha Icha_ volumes off of it before you walk back over to him. “Here,” you say as you hold them out. “These should at least give you an idea. After you read them we can…talk…about it. Maybe practice some things.”

He immediately takes them from you and flips through the top one, face flushing and eye going wide.

…But then he gets a shitty little smirk on his face, eyelid dropping to half-mast as he looks back up at you.

“I can’t believe a sweet little thing like you reads such filthy books,” he hums lowly. “But then again you _did_ take this job, hm…”

Your lips immediately pull into a thin, flat line. “Get out.”

“What? Why?”

“I said get out!” you spit, pushing at his shoulders to try and get him off your bed. “You do _not_ get to indirectly call me a whore and then stay in my room!”

His eye widens in understanding. “That’s not- I didn’t mean-”

“I said GET OUT!” you shout, finally shoving him hard enough to make your point.

“Alright, alright! Geez!” he huffs as he slides off the bed with your books in his hand. He grabs up his clothes before he tromps over to your door and yanks it open, pausing in the door frame to look back at you. “I really didn’t mean it like that, un. I’m sorry.”

He closes the door softly behind him as he leaves.

You just huff as you stomp over to lock it, chest feeling tight. 

*

After sulking in your room for a good hour or so you decide to head outside for some fresh air.

Fate must have it in for you, though, because Deidara’s already chilling in the gazebo, working on something in his hands. He glances up at your movement before you can back-track and you mentally brace yourself for an awkward conversation. You’re not rude enough to just turn around and walk back inside after you’ve already made eye-contact.

“Hey, un,” he greets quietly as you finish walking up.

“Hey,” you reply just as quietly as you plop your ass down next to him against your better judgement. You’re still a little ruffled from earlier, but he did apologize right away so maybe it really was just a misunderstanding.

Things lull into an awkward quiet for a few moments as he continues to work, you just watching. He’s got some clay in his hand, molding and un-molding it into various animal shapes. He must be using chakra or something to do it because he’s not using his fingers. It’s…honestly kinda neat.

“…So are you using chakra to shape that?” you ask as a way to break the ice.

“Hm?” he questions, glancing back up at you. He must have been lost in thought.

“Your clay,” you emphasize, glancing down at the tiny sculpture in his hand. It’s currently in the shape of some kind of lizard. “Are you using chakra to shape it?”

“Oh, uh, yeah,” he confirms, eyebrow raising as he blinks at you in surprise. Clearly not many people act interested in his art around here. “I’ve got pretty good chakra control so I can actually use it as a sculpting tool. See?” He holds it out to you for a better look as a soft blue light starts to glow around it, the lizard shifting and shaping into a monarch butterfly before your widening eyes. You watch in awe as it starts flapping its wings, lifting off of his palm to flutter around your heads instead.

“That is so _cool_ ,” you breathe as you instinctively hold a finger out to see if you can get it to land on it. You giggle when it does, bringing it closer to your face to admire the fine details. Its wings and antennae twitch just like the real thing’s as you study it. Honestly, if it weren’t for the flat beige color you would have thought it truly alive. “Can all shinobi do stuff like this?”

“No,” Deidara says with a smug little grin, chest puffing out a bit in obvious pride. “I’ve worked very hard for many years to perfect my art, hm.”

“Well, it’s beautiful,” you say honestly, using the fingers of your other hand to pet gently down the butterfly’s back. It’s pleasantly warm and smooth under your touch.

His little grin widens into a devious smirk. “If you think its beautiful _now_ just wait until I show you what it can _do_ , yeah.”

You watch in mild disappointment as the butterfly flutters away, flying out of the gazebo and into the yard.

…Then Deidara makes a hand seal and the thing promptly _explodes_ ; showering the yard in a burst of sparks and a loud, echoing, firecracker BANG!

“What the _fuck_?!” you spit as you pull your hands back from your ears. “You couldn’t warn me first?!” Luckily it wasn’t loud enough to make your ears ring.

Deidara just shrugs, smirk never leaving his pretty face. “I already told you I make bombs out of my clay, yeah. You really should have expected it.”

“Well excuse me for not remembering every fine detail of that particular conversation,” you grump with a roll of your eyes. “Considering that was the same night I almost fucking _bled to death_.”

Deidara actually winces a little. “Ah, sorry, yeah. If…if it makes you feel any better I promise I’m not going to blow you up or anything. …Accidentally or on purpose, yeah.”

“Well I sure hope not,” you huff as you watch him dig some more clay out of the pouch on his hip. “Why did you blow it up, anyway? The butterfly was so pretty.”

“Because the explosion is my _real_ art, un,” he says simply as he starts to mold the lump in his hand. You watch as this one’s shape takes on the beginnings of some kind of bird.

“But why bother putting in effort to make them so beautiful if you’re just going to blow them up?” you can’t help but ask. You know a lot of artists are pretty eccentric by default but this just plain doesn’t make sense to you.

“Because the beauty is part of it,” he answers, turning to focus his attention on you. His eye is wide now, shining with excitement, with passion. “My art as a whole symbolizes the fleetingness of life; the transience of existence. Life explodes onto the world stage, burns for but a mere moment in time, and then is promptly snuffed out of existence as quickly as it came into it. Life, and by extension _true_ art, is an explosion.”

“But why does ‘true’ art have to have only one definition, though?” you ask, genuinely confused. You kind of understand what he, personally, is going for but to call it ‘true art’ suggests that all other forms are fake by default. Not meaningful or worth one’s time. “You said yourself that finding new ways to execute ideas is essential to keeping art alive and relevant so that means it’s always changing. Why should the definition stay stagnant if the medium doesn’t? Shouldn’t everyone be free to define their own ‘true art’?”

His eyebrow raises in surprise as he blinks at you. “Hm. I suppose I never really thought of it that way. I’ve already settled on _my_ true art so I suppose how others chose to express theirs shouldn’t matter to me.”

Things lull back into a semi-comfortable silence as you watch him work. The little bird in his hand becomes a centipede before transforming into a spider; all molded under his chakra. It really is fascinating all the things shinobi can do with it.

“…Have you considered adding chemicals to your clay?” you ask after a few minutes.

He glances up to furrow his brow at you. “Why would I do _that_ , un?”

You just shrug, watching as the spider becomes an owl. “To add color to the explosions. Kind of like fireworks do. Different chemicals produce different colors.”

He stops molding then, attention focused solely on you. His eye is wide again, shining with something like awe. “That’s _brilliant_ , yeah! How do you know that?”

You shrug again, flushing a little under the attention. “We did an experiment with it once back when I was in school. We held different compounds over a burner and noted the color of the flame. Rubbing alcohol burns blue, potassium chloride burns purple, copper sulfate burns green. That kind of thing. …Though now that I think about it you’d probably want to add them after they come out of your mouth hands. Wouldn’t want you getting sick or poisoned or something.”

He’s still staring at you like you just shared the secrets of the damn universe, blue eye wide and bright as the fire from one of his explosions. All over a simple suggestion born from a middle school science experiment. Do shinobi even go to regular school? Do they study math and language and science or do they just learn ninja stuff? You’ll have to ask them all sometime…

“Where can I get these compounds?” he asks, leaning in. “Can I just get them in a regular store? Do you know?”

“Uh…” you start, leaning back a little. “Some of it, maybe? Why don’t you ask Sasori? I’m sure he’d know better than I would.” The man does make _poisons_ after all. If anyone knows where to get the best deals on potentially dangerous chemicals its him. 

“Hmm. I’ll have to ask him the next time we’re out on a mission. He hates it when I bother him otherwise, yeah,” he murmurs to himself as he pulls back, hand under his chin and squinting into the distance as he thinks. “Though I wonder if there’s already anything in the base I can try…”

“Ah!” you blurt to get his attention. The last thing you want is him digging through the cleaning supplies and accidentally mixing up a nerve gas or something. You’re starting to regret the suggestion already. “Why don’t you clear anything you want to try with Sasori first? That way you don’t accidentally kill us all with homemade mustard gas or something.”

He smirks at you. “But isn’t the danger of the unknown half the fun of experimenting?”

You give him a look that could make even the world’s healthiest plant wither to ash. “If you kill us all with your bullshit I swear I will find your ass in the afterlife and kick it into the void myself.”

He just throws his head back and laughs, loud and genuine.

“You really are surprising, yeah,” he hums with a bright-eyed grin once he calms down. “One moment you’re sweeter than sugar the next you’re threatening to kick my ass. Such a little spitfire, hm.” His look turns serious then, brow furrowing as a frown tugs at his lips. “…Can I ask you a question, yeah?”

You bristle a little, wary. It probably has something to do with earlier. Well, you did want to clear up this misunderstanding. Might as well go ahead and let him ask it. “…Sure.”

“Why do you have such a visceral reaction to that word?” He turns that serious look on you, genuinely interested in your answer. “I mean, I know most women don’t like being called that but for you it seems almost…personal.” 

You don’t need him to clarify which word he’s talking about. You glance out into the yard as you think, try to figure out how much to give away.

“…Because my mom called me that,” you answer after a long moment, tone as neutral as you can make it. “Not all the time, of course. But the two times she used it really stuck with me.”

Deidara remains quiet, waiting. When it becomes obvious that you’re not going to say any more about it he just snorts.

“Well your mom sounds like a bitch.”

You’re so startled by his simple, blunt honesty that you can’t help but laugh.

“Yeah,” you concede as you wipe at your eyes. “In some ways she is.”

You spend the rest of the afternoon sculpting clay with Deidara. Though you were (understandably) a bit reluctant to touch it at first, after assuring you that it was free of his chakra and therefore non-explosive you easily concede. As it turns out he’s just as good sculpting with his hands as he is with his chakra. He’s also surprisingly patient with you; eagerly guiding your fingers with his own as you mold your clay into a simple little dove. Considering the last thing you ever tried to make was a shitty little pinch-pot back in grade school you honestly need all the help you can get. It’s far from perfect but it turns out much better than anything you would have been able to make on your own. He proudly tells you to keep it afterwards, not even suggesting blowing it up.

You decide to keep it on your nightstand next to your alarm clock. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! Deidara finally got schooled lol. As always thank you for reading and stay safe and sane out there my lovelies! Hopefully we'll start seeing some better headlines soon.


	11. Bonding and Parting

Your tea is already waiting for you on the table the next morning.

Your eyebrows rise a little in pleasant surprise. You already know that Itachi is by far one of the most considerate of the bunch, but this is still a bit unexpected.

“So what did I do to deserve such royal treatment?” you tease with a smile as you settle into your usual chair across from him. He just shrugs.

“I figured I’d save you some trouble,” he explains before taking a sip of his own tea, face impassive. “After all, I’m already in there making mine.”

You hum, eyes sparkling with mirth as you bring the mug to your lips for a test sip. It’s just like you like it; sweetened with just the right amount of honey. Clearly he’s been paying attention.

The though makes your chest feel all warm and fuzzy.

“Are you sure you’re not actually trying to bribe me?” you tease with a wink as you set it back down. “Because I promise that you already have my eternal gratitude if you are.” You almost said ‘you’re already one of my favorites’ but you know that wouldn’t be very kosher of you even in (mostly) jest. You actually like all of the guys here in one way or another. Well, all but one, anyway…

“I assure you that I am not,” he says evenly, not even the slightest bit flustered by your efforts. It’s a little disappointing, actually. You must look as disappointed as you feel because he adds on to it. “I enjoy your company. This way I can enjoy it a bit longer.”

 _Smooth bastard._ Figures he’d be the one to make _you_ flush. God above, you’re screwing several men on a regular basis now but sweet compliments are what get you all jittery. Living here must be altering your brain.

“Okay, now I _know_ you want something,” you joke with a sly grin, propping your elbow on the table and resting your cheek against your fist as you try to regain a foothold in this situation. “Spill it, boy-o.”

His lips twitch. The gesture doesn’t do much to rein in the butterflies in your stomach, but it does bring back a sense of grounding familiarity. “I promise you that I want nothing more than your company.”

 _What_ kind _of company?_ you almost purr. You stop yourself, though. _That_ would be highly inappropriate. If he ever wants you that way you’ll let him come to you in his own time; on his own terms. You don’t want to make him uncomfortable, don’t want to push any boundaries.

“Well, you have it,” you say sincerely with a small smile. “As well as free reign over what we have for breakfast every morning. …Though I’m sure you figured _that_ out already,” you tease.

He gives you a soft, easy smile right back. It makes your heart do somersaults in your chest.

“I have,” he says smoothly before he takes another drink. “I appreciate the gesture.”

You grin as you copy him. “Feel free to suggest a few lunches or dinners, too. I’m always open to ideas.”

The rest of your time together passes in easy conversation and gentle teasing. It’s honestly the best thing to wake up to, especially with how crazy the rest of the day can sometimes get. You’re honestly always a just a little bit sad when the time comes to start cooking.

He chooses something simple this morning – sunny-side up eggs on toast and some sliced fruit.

You make sure the eggs are perfect.

*

Deidara’s a little late for breakfast this morning, strolling in just as you’re finishing setting everything out. He’s got his nose buried in a book, not so much as glancing up from it as he settles down in his usual chair between Hidan and Tobi. You stiffen when you catch a good look at the worn cover. Why the hell would he think reading that at the table is a good idea?!

“Oi, bitchface! Whattcha readin’?” Hidan asks crudely around a mouthful of fruit. He doesn’t even give Deidara a chance to answer before he’s reaching over and plucking it from his hands, still chewing as he brings it closer to himself for a better look. Magenta eyes go wide, pale face flushing as Deidara makes an indignant squawking noise.

…Then Hidan promptly starts laughing his stupid ass off. Of course he manages to spew half-chewed food all over the table in the process. You swear you’re going to start making him eat out of a goddamn trough.

“Trying to improve your sex ed, bitch?” Hidan taunts as he tosses the book back to Deidara, who catches it with a huff. “I figured something with pictures would be better for a shitty little virgin like you.”

“At least he’s actively trying to improve himself, Hidan,” you defend hotly as you slide into your own chair. “Meanwhile you’re still being an asshole.”

Hidan snorts and rolls his eyes. “Like I need to improve my sex game. I already make you come every time we fuck.”

You choke on your first bite, coughing as Kisame pats at your back. “Not at the table, you shameless pervert!” you hiss at him through watery eyes after getting your bearings.

Hidan just snorts again. “ _I’m_ not the one reading smut right now. Why don’t you get on _his_ ass?” he spits as he jabs his thumb towards Deidara. Deidara just rolls his eyes.

“Maybe because _I’m_ not being loud and obnoxious about it, hm,” he retorts before taking another bite out of his toast, gaze going right back to the open book in his other hand.

“Yeah, well, at least _I_ don’t need some shitty porn book to help me make women come you shitty fucking loser!”

“Okay, what the fuck has gotten into you this morning, Hidan?!” you spit as you toss your chopsticks onto your plate, abandoning all hope of eating until this bullshit is sorted out. “You’re being overly antagonistic for no damn reason!”

Hidan swivels his head around to look at you, blinking owlishly. “Overly what now?”

“You’re being an extra big asshole!” you explain as you cross your arms and glare him down. Kisame and Tobi both snicker but you ignore them. Itachi just continues to watch the madness with dark, passive eyes. 

“Well maybe if you didn’t play favorites I wouldn’t be pissed enough to be one!” Hidan spits as he crosses his own arms and glares right back.

You falter, anger slipping slightly as confusion takes over. What the hell is he talking about? You already feed him and fuck him whenever he wants, so what else could he possibly be-

Then it hits you.

The cuddling.

“…Is this about the snuggling thing?” you ask, almost quiet compared to the loud tones from earlier. Hidan just crosses his arms tighter across his chest and looks away, jaw set and looking sulky.

You soften ever so slightly. “I’m not taking that option away from you completely, you know,” you explain evenly. “I just want you to start being a little nicer to the others first. Or at the very least not so openly mean. I like you, Hidan. You can just be a bit of a dick sometimes.”

The room goes quiet, obviously waiting for his reaction.

Finally, after a long, slightly tense moment, he snorts.

“Whatever,” he mumbles as he goes back to his food. “‘S not like I need your stupid cuddles anyway.” The slight blush across his pale cheeks gives him away, though. Clearly he’s at least somewhat pleased and placated by your admission. You just roll your eyes and go back to your own breakfast.

The rest of the meal is surprisingly quiet. With Deidara distracted with his/your book, Tobi distracted with cutting up his toast into chopstick-sized bites, Hidan still sulking, Itachi being, well, _Itachi,_ and you not really being in the mood to talk anymore poor Kisame doesn’t have anyone to bounce off of. You rub his back in silent apology as you go to gather the plates. He just gives you a grin and a wink in a silent show of ‘no worries.’

Luckily you get a chance to make it up to him that afternoon.

You catch him out on the porch on your way out to the gazebo, sitting in one of the patio chairs and polishing an absolutely _massive_ sword. It’s honestly the biggest you’ve ever seen. Not that you’ve seen very many of them, but still. The thing is probably taller than _you_ are and is almost as wide as _he_ is. How the fuck does he wield it? 

"Can I please touch your sword?" You have to ask. You just have to. Your fingers are itching just looking at it.  
  
Kisame’s hand pauses it’s movements as he glances up at you, eyes going a little wide in surprise. Most people are intimidated by Samehada, civilians and shinobi alike. Yet here you are asking to _touch it_.  
  
...Then again, most people feel the same way about him and yet you eagerly touch him anyway.  
  
He grins, wide and toothy. "Sure. But you'll have to ask it, first, too."  
  
You squint at him in confusion before furrowing your brows at his sword. "Ask IT? Are...are you teasing me right now?"  
  
His grin grows wider. "Nope."  
  
"I swear to god if you tell me this thing is sentient-"  
  
"It is. To an extent."  
  
"...Okay what the fuck."  
  
He laughs, loud and bellowing. "Samehada is sentient to the extent that it picks who it works for," he explains after he calms down. "It takes a liking to certain kinds of chakra and picks its user based on that. If it doesn't like your 'flavor' it grows spikes on the handle so you can't use it."  
  
"...Once again, what the fuck."  
  
He just smirks. "Don't want to touch it anymore, then?"  
  
You squint at it, considering. "No, I still want to touch it. Now I'm more curious to see if it likes me."  
  
He chuckles, honestly curious himself, now. He wonders what your chakra tastes like. He's sure its sweet just like the rest of you. Hopefully it's not TOO sweet, though. Neither he nor Samehada like overly sweet flavors.  
  
"Here," he offers, shifting it a bit closer to you. "Move slow to let it get a feel for you, first. On the off-chance it doesn't like you it'll grow spikes so you don't touch it."  
  
Well THAT'S not terrifying at all.  
  
Still, you're _really_ curious now and you don't think Kisame would let you do this if it were overtly dangerous so you might as well give it a shot.  
  
You reach out slowly, almost hesitantly, inch by inch. Kisame just watches on with that same broad smile but with a strangely serious look in his eyes. You just focus on not getting stabbed.  
  
Finally, when your fingers are a mere inch from its surface, you pause.  
  
Still no spikes.  
  
You go in for the kill.  
  
The metal is strangely warm under your fingertips, buzzing with energy. You press your whole hand flat against it to get a better feel. Huh. Must have something to do with chakra.  
  
"You taste like salted caramel and dark chocolate, kitten," Kisame says with a pleased little grin. "Just the right amount of sweet."  
  
You pull your eyes away from his sword to blink at him in surprise. "You can 'taste' chakra, too?"  
  
He hums. "Through Samehada, I can. We're a little symbiotic like that."  
  
"...Do you like my 'flavor'?" It's an honest, genuine question; not laden with any sort of teasing or innuendo. It's honestly adorable.  
  
His grin grows wider, more predatory. "Oh. I LOVE your 'flavor,' kitten," he purrs with lidded eyes. "And I'm not just talking about your chakra."  
  
You flush so bad you're sure Kisame can feel the heat from your skin. He just throws his head back and laughs. 

“What does _your_ chakra taste like?” you ask as you run your hand up and down the smooth metal. Your lizard-brain is satisfied for now.

He shrugs. “Don’t know. I can’t taste my own chakra.”

“What about Itachi, then?” Now you have to know everyone else’s too.

“His tastes like green tea with lemon and a touch of honey.” Nice. And very fitting.

“Hidan?”

Kisame’s nose wrinkles a little in disgust. Clearly Hidan’s isn’t very pleasant. “Like rusty iron.”

Naturally you go through the whole gang. Not surprisingly, Deidara tastes like clay and burnt ozone. Sasori’s flavor is apparently reminsent of hot desert sand and limestone. Kakuzu is dark, freshly tilled soil while Zetsu is a strange mixture between spring grass and dusty old books. Pain is over-steeped black tea and Konan is sour apple candy. Tobi’s is the one that surprises you the most, though. Apparently the hyperactive goofball tastes like cherry cough syrup; strong and bitter and artificial. You’d have figured he’d taste like some kind of sweet. Strange.

“What do you think determines someone’s ‘flavor’?” you ask as you watch Kisame go back to polishing Samehada. He just shrugs again.

“Not sure,” he answers honestly. “It could have something to do with a person’s core chakra nature; fire, water, lightning, that kind of thing. Or maybe it’s influenced more by a person’s core personality and emotions. I’ve honestly wondered about it myself from time to time.”

“Huh,” you say simply, looking at the massive sword with new eyes. Can it really sense people’s true selves, in some way? The possibility is fascinating. “Interesting.”

You watch in companionable silence as he finishes working on his weapon, eyes focued on those big, strong, lovely hands of his. As he’s screwing the cap back onto his bottle of polish you decide to make a move.

“…I still need to practice some, you know,” you offer silkily, lids drooping into heavy bedroom eyes. If no one else is around to see or hear you do it they can’t accuse you of playing favorites. “Cucumbers are nice and all but they really don’t compare to the real thing.”

Kisame looks up at you in wide-eyed surprise, face tinged with that adorable purple-red flush.

…But then he smirks, sharp and toothy.

“Well, so long as you don’t treat my dick like you did that cucumber I’m all for it, sweetheart,” he purrs as he pulls a small storage scroll out of his pants pocket. You watch as he quickly unrolls it and spreads it on the ground, flashing through a few hand seals before pressing them against the paper. Samehada disappears in a puff of smoke, Kisame rolling it back up before tucking it away again. “You wanna go back to your room or do you still want some fresh air?”

You flush at the suggestion, losing a touch of your bravado at the thought. You’re…not quiet ready for that kind of thing yet.

“Back to my room, please,” you murmur. “I want you all to myself, big guy.”

He just chuckles as he grabs your hand and gently tugs you after him, clearly ready for a good time.

*

Your “practice” pays off a couple of days later when Kakuzu once again comes knocking at your door, once again waiting until bedtime to come to you. Neither of you says anything as you just step to the side to let him in, watching with a suppressed roll of your eyes as he once again plops his ass down in your desk chair and pulls out his fully-hard cock.

“Hopefully you’ve gotten better at this, girlie,” he growls as you close the door and make your way over. “I’d hate to be disappointed twice.”

You mentally roll your eyes as you drop to your knees and get to work. You’ll just let your actions speak for themselves. With any luck you’ll leave the asshole completely speechless because you’re damn tired of his shitty, degrading remarks and horrid attitude.

He’s definitely more of a mouthful than Deidara, though. Not quite as much of a stretch as Kisame but more than enough to leave your jaw sore if you don’t take care of this fairly quickly. You slick the entire length of him with your tongue, taking a wicked, almost vindictive delight in the resulting hitch of his breath. His hand reaches out to tangle its fingers in your hair, so big it sprawls over the entirety of the top of your head. If he weren’t such a scary fucking shithead you would _love_ to have it between your thighs.

But that’s not what he’s here for so you focus your attention on the task at hand – bringing this bastard to his knees with your pretty little mouth.

He sucks in a sharp breath as you take the beautifully flushed head of his cock in your mouth, fingers tightening their grip in your hair when you let out an involuntary hum at the sound. You _hate_ that you’re still attracted to this man despite everything. It’s just not _fair_. Not _right_. He tried to fucking kill you over something you didn’t even do and had absolutely no control over! And now you’re contractually obligated to sleep with his grumpy, murderous ass. You won’t even get any relief from it yourself because he insists on being selfish and only using you for oral. Fucking asshole.

He remains surprisingly still as you slowly work your way down his length, glancing up more out of curiosity than anything. His eyes are trained intently on you, dark and intense. His teeth are gritted, jaw set as his skin takes on the beginnings of a lovely flush. God, you hate how hot he looks, how wet this is starting to make you. Fuck.

You _refuse_ to shove a hand down your shorts, though. You absolutely will _not_ give him that pleasure. He doesn’t deserve it.

You grip the base of his cock and pump it as you slowly come back up, sucking lightly the entire time. He actually _groans_ ; legs twitching as he keeps down a buck of his hips. The sound goes straight to your clit, making your cunt clench and ache. God, you hate him. Him and his stupid, deep, sexy fucking voice. God, you wish he would fuck you. Just bend you over the desk and-

You mentally slap yourself as you bring up your other hand to play with his balls, warm and heavy in your palm. You swirl your clever tongue around his head before you pull off him with an erotic ‘pop’, looking up at him through your lashes like a good little sex kitten. The sooner you get him off the better. You’re already tired of these uncomfortable, conflicting feelings.

His handsome face is well and properly flushed now, red-green eyes dark and lidded as they stare at you with none of their usual malice. You glance back down at his cock before the look can break your resolve not to touch yourself during this. God, why must you still be so attracted to him?

Doubling down, you quickly take as much of his thick cock into your mouth as you can, wrist twisting lightly around what you can’t fit. He hisses as it twitches against your tounge, so erotic you can’t help but moan. His hips buck a little at the vibrations, the grip on your hair becoming almost painful as his strong fingers clench.

You work him like this for the next several minutes, sucking and swirling and twisting all while gently squeezing his balls. When you feel them tighten in your hand you decide to try the same trick you used with Deidara, taking him as far as you can comfortably go before you hollow your cheeks and look up at him through your pretty, pretty lashes.

He comes with a strangled moan, hips twitching as his come spurts into your mouth in thick, heavy ropes. You briefly debate getting up to go spit it out in the trash, just to show him that you still hate him.

…But you quickly decide that you’d rather fuck with him instead, eagerly swallowing down his bitter pleasure with lidded bedroom eyes.

You finally pull off him when he starts to soften in your mouth, letting your wet tongue drag deliciously up the underside of his cock as you go.

“That all you want?” you droll as you force yourself to drop the act, looking for all the world like you’re completely indifferent to his answer; like you don’t give a single, solitary fuck.

He just huffs as he pushes your head away to stand, tucking himself back into his pants without even cleaning himself up first.

“That’s all I _need_ , girlie,” he growls as he steps around you and makes his way to your door. “It’s good to know that you’re capable of improving. After all, there’s nothing more disappointing than an incompetent whore.”

You just _barely_ restrain the urge to grab the nearest book off your desk and throw it at the back of his head. You learned those skills to _survive_ this encounter, after all. It’d be stupid to throw it all away now.

Your chest feels tight as he steps out and shuts the door behind him, pussy still wet and aching. God, you’ve never hated anyone this much in your _life_. You briefly debate on going to one of the others to help you out with the problem between your legs; preferably Kisame or Hidan but even Deidara would do at this point. You dismiss the idea almost immediately. If the others hear you knocking on one of their doors they’d get upset and accuse you of favoritism for sure. Well, at least Dei and Hidan would, anyway. 

You sigh as you crawl into bed, resigned to taking care of yourself before going to sleep.

*

You’re on your way back to the meeting point with the next week’s groceries when you spot it sitting near someone’s trash.

You stop immediately, intrigued. It doesn’t look to be in bad shape, but clearly something must be wrong with it if someone threw it away. You stroll over for a better look, curious.

Yep. It’s definitely a radio. It’s really a shame to see it out here, since new ones are so stupidly expensive. You pick it up and inspect it, turning it over in your hands to see if there are any obvious signs of damage.

Nope. None. The case and buttons are all fine and intact. Whatever’s wrong with it must be on the inside. Maybe you can find a way to fix it up. Having music to listen to while you work would be amazing. Plus it would help fill the lonely silence of the base when all the guys are gone.

Problem is you don’t know the first damn thing about radios. Or any technology, really. At least not enough to properly fix it.

Your gaze trails to the bookstore down the road; an idea forming. Surely they have instruction manuals and books for this sort of thing…

Mind made up, you tuck your new prize under your arm and start heading back towards the meeting point. You need to let Itachi and Kisame know before you start piddling around in the bookstore. Now that you think about it, you’ll probably need to stop by a general or hardware store to pick up a toolkit, too. After all, you can’t work on it if you don’t have any tools.

You may not know the first thing about fixing radios but you’re damn well willing to learn.

*

“Whatcha got there, sweetheart?” Kisame asks as he drops down from the trees, Itachi following right behind him.

“A radio!” you reply with a wide, excited smile as you hold it up with both hands for them to see. “I found it in someone’s trash! I figured I could try and fix it up.”

“You know how to fix radios?” Itachi asks with slightly furrowed brows.

You look away, suddenly sheepish. “Well, no, but I’m willing to learn! I figured I could pick up some books and a toolkit and see what I can do.”

“I see,” Itachi says, eyes softening slightly. “I suppose that means you need to run back into town for a bit, then?”

You nod. “If you two don’t mind. I promise I’ll be quick!”

Itachi glances at Kisame. Kisame just shrugs.

“I don’t mind waiting a bit longer,” Kisame says with a sharp-toothed grin. “Besides, it’d be nice to have some music around the base for a change!”

“Will an hour be enough?” Itachi asks, looking back to you.

“Yeah, that should be plenty of time!” you chirp with a grin, rocking back and forth on your heels as your excitement grows. If this works you’ll have your very own radio! Even people with decent jobs usually have to save for a while to afford one! “I’ll honestly probably even be back before then!”

“Then we will wait here for you,” Itachi says smoothly as he gently takes the radio from your hands. Kisame moves to take your heavy backpack and you shrug it off as he helps slip it from your shoulders.

“Thanks, guys!” you say, waving at them as you turn to head back into the village. “I’ll be back in a jiffy!”

Kisame grins and waves back as Itachi reaches into his cloak for the storage scroll.

*

You settle at the kitchen table with everything you need as soon as lunch is finished.

You immediately crack open one of your new books, figuring it’s best to get at least somewhat of an idea of what you’ll be dealing with before you tear into your new toy. Thankfully it has plenty of pictures and diagrams for you to work with.

You pour over the books for the better part of an hour and a half; until you feel you have a good basic understanding of the main parts and their mechanics. Then you crack open your cheap beginners toolkit and get to work.

…Only to find that neither of your screwdrivers is the right size. Damn it. How are you supposed to fix this thing if you can’t even get into it?!

You rack your brain, trying to think of anyone who might have another screwdriver you could borrow.

_Maybe Sasori would lend me one of his. Just for a minute._

Figuring it won’t hurt to ask, you promptly push back your chair and start heading towards his room.

“Sasori?” you inquire with a gentle knock on his door. “Do you have a moment, please?”

After a long, quiet moment, it cracks open; just wide enough for you to see Sasori’s pretty face.

“What do you want?” he asks flatly, eyes lidded in his usual passive stare.

“I was wondering if I could borrow one of your screwdrivers for a minute, please. One between these two sizes if you have it,” you add, holding up the two screwdrivers that came with your rather pitiful toolkit. “One’s a bit too big and the other’s a bit too small.”

He narrows his eyes at them, then at you. “And what do you need it for, exactly?”

You shrink back a little, not expecting him to be so relatively irritable about something this minor. “Well, uh, I’m trying to fix up a radio I found. Someone left it by their trash so I brought it back here.”

His eyes narrow further. “You know how to fix radios?”

“Well, no,” you admit with a shrug. “But I bought some books and I’m willing to learn. I figured it couldn’t hurt to try.”

He stares at you for a moment longer before glancing back down at the screwdrivers in your hands.

“…I have one that will work. Just give me a moment to grab it.” And then he disappears back into his room, shutting the door firmly behind him. You continue to stand awkwardly in the hall, waiting. After a long, fidgety minute, he comes back and steps out into the hall with the promised screwdriver in hand. “Where are you working?”

“Oh, uh, in the dining room but you don’t have to-”

“I don’t trust you with my tools,” he cuts you off stiffly as he once again closes his door. He turns and starts heading towards your makeshift workshop. “I’ll open it up for you myself.”

_Okay, kinda rude, but at least I’m technically getting what I want?_

“Uh, thanks,” you say instead as you follow along behind him.

He stops in front of your spot with the radio laid face-down on the table, not even bothering to sit down before he starts loosening the screws that hold the back cover on. You just watch over his shoulder, curious. His fingers are as quick and nimble as ever and soon the back is off; the problem becoming immediately clear.

Pretty much everything inside is rusted almost completely to shit.

Well, at least now you know why it was in the trash. You’re not sure this is even salvageable. And why didn’t the outside show more signs of wear? Surely whatever happened to make it this bad would have affected the wood more. Some water must have gotten inside somehow while the outside got dried off. Or maybe some dumbass kept it somewhere humid like a bathroom. Ah, well. Maybe you’ll get lucky someday and find another, more salvageable radio in someone else’s trash or in a pawn shop or something.

You sigh heavily. “Well, at least now we know why it was in the trash,” you say dryly as you turn to glance at Sasori. “Anyway, thank you for-” you stop, intrigued.

Sasori’s eyes are wide.

Okay, well, that’s definitely an overstatement, but they are definitely wider than usual. They look a little shiner, too; just a hair bit brighter. Compared to his usual flat, bored expression he looks downright _excited_. Clearly this thing has caught his interest. Huh.

Maybe it’s all the small, intricate little parts. He sure does seem to like tinkering with those puppets of his, after all.

“…I have some specialized, fine-grain steel wool and a mild corrosive that we can use to clean most of this up,” he says after a moment. “Whatever can’t be saved I’m sure I can replicate myself. I have the raw materials. Just give me a minute to go grab everything.”

Before you can even respond he’s heading back out into the main hall, clearly on a mission. You can’t help but smirk to yourself. It’s honestly cute how each of these guys has their own little quirks and passions.

Sure enough, not five minutes later he’s back in the kitchen with the steel wool pads, a bottle with some kind of clear liquid, and an old towel. He spreads the towel out on the table next to the radio before setting everything down on it and moving the radio itself over.

“Well?” he starts as he settles down in the next chair over. “Do you want to fix this thing or not?”

You grin as you take the seat next to him and the steel wool pad he hands you, excitement sparking in your gut all over again.

The first several minutes are spent just watching him take everything apart. He’s quick, precise. Clearly he’s had lots of practice working with small, delicate parts. He splits the rusted bits into two piles; one in front of him and the other in front of you.

“Here,” he says as he reaches into his pocket. He pulls out two pairs of sturdy rubber gloves a moment later and holds one of them out to you. “The solution we’ll be using won’t cause damage right away, but if it sits on your skin for a while it will cause problems. And _don’t_ get any in your eyes.”

“Well, damn. There go my evening plans,” you joke lightly as you take them and slip them over your hands. “I was hoping to spend the night in the emergency room.”

Sasori just snorts as he puts on his own gloves. “By the time you’d get there it’d be too late. The chemical burns would have already caused irreparable nerve damage.”

“I thought you said this was a _mild_ corrosive?!” you spit as you flinch back in horror.

He smirks, cold and cruel and a little unhinged. “Compared to some of my other solutions it _is_.”

“…Please tell me you’re just messing with me right now.”

His smirk grows wider but he doesn’t say anything more.

The next several minutes are spent quietly working. You (very reluctantly) take the bottle from him when he hands it to you, copying the way he dabs a little of it on and then spreads it across the part with a toothbrush he also produced from his pocket. Then you both get to work on sanding the rust off with short, firm movements. It’s a little more work than you were expecting, but you find you really don’t mind. It gives you something to do and feels strangely productive.

“…So how did you get into puppets?” you ask out of the blue after the quiet starts to get to you.

“My Grandmother taught me,” he explains simply, not even looking up from the part in his hands.

“So she’s a puppeteer too, then?” you ask redundantly. You just want to keep him talking. Want to see what snarky little response he’ll come up with.

“No, she’s a baker,” he deadpans. “Of course she’s a puppeteer. She’s also a medic-nin and a poison expert, though my skills have no doubt surpassed hers by now.”

“Did you learn your sassiness from her, too?” you tease with a smirk.

“Did you learn to ask redundant questions with obvious answers from listening to your parents?” he shoots back dryly.

You snort. “If I had listened to my parents I wouldn’t be working for a bunch of crazy, grumpy ninjas right now.” Though you’re half-serious your tone is still light, joking. _Besides, I only ask questions like that to keep you talking._ You don’t say that, though. You don’t want to reveal your secret conversation weapon just yet. If he thinks you’re a bit of a dumbass for it than so be it.

“Then they’re wiser than I thought,” he says flatly, still not looking up from what he’s working on. “It’s too bad you didn’t learn better from them.”

“And here I thought you were enjoying my company,” you say airily, deciding not to take it personal. Besides, he’s technically not wrong. They may have been horribly overbearing but at least they were right about shinobi being dangerous.

“Don’t flatter yourself,” he snorts. “I enjoy nobody’s company but my own.”

Things lull back into quiet after that, your pride just the slightest bit wounded. Clearly he doesn’t detest your presence enough to leave so you’ll just be content with that for now. Besides, he doesn’t exactly seem to be warm and fuzzy with _any_ body here so you figure his prickly nature is just his default with everyone. (Un?)Luckily for him, you're one of those weirdos who enjoys gently poking at cacti. 

When it comes time to put everything back in its place he does most of it himself, you just watching and sometimes pointing out where things go based on the diagrams and what he doesn’t remember from taking it apart (which isn’t very much, honestly). When the big moment finally comes you let him do the honors of plugging it into the wall and turning it on, whooping in visible delight when music cackles through the cloth speakers.

“Thank you so much, Sasori!” you squeal as you instinctively throw your arms around him in a thank-you hug. “I really appreciate all of your help!”

He stiffens, going completely ridged under your touch. 

“Did I say you could touch me?” he growls lowly.

You pull back immediately, hands shooting up in an apologetic, placating manner. “Sorry! I got excited and did it on instinct. I wasn’t really thinking.”

“If your first instinct is to hug a highly dangerous shinobi over something so minor then I suggest you change your habits,” he says flatly as he goes to gather up his things. “That’s a good way to end up stabbed.”

“Sorry! I just…I just wanted to show you that I’m grateful for your help,” you reply sheepishly, glancing at the floor as you wring your hands. You really didn’t mean to offend him.

“Just watch yourself next time,” he says evenly as he rolls up the towel with everything in it. “I may not be in such a generous mood.”

Your heart sinks, body deflating a little in chastised disappointment. You were just trying to be nice.

…But then what he said fully registers and you immediately perk back up, eyes brightening with a grin as you watch him leave through the hall entryway with his bundle.

_Next time._

He’s willing to do this again!

“_________?” Tobi suddenly asks from the living room entry. “Where’s that music coming from?”

“Sasori and I fixed up a broken radio I found!” you explain brightly, stepping out of the way so he can see it better. Tobi claps his hands in excitement as he skips over for a better look.

“Neato!” he says as he starts messing with the tuner. He settles on some upbeat, pop-y station before once again clapping his hands. “It’s so cool you guys were able to fix it! Now we have music to dance to!”

Before you can say anything he grabs your wrist and drags you into a literal tango, other arm wrapping around your lower back as he enthusiastically dances around the dining room. You just laugh and let him take you along for the ride, matching his hyper energy as best you can. You honestly haven’t had this much fun in ages.

“What’s all this noise about, un?” Deidara pipes up a few minutes later as he tromps into the dining room. Hidan, Kisame, and Itachi follow, also curious.

“Sounds like you got that old radio working,” Kisame says with a smirk, crossing his arms as he watches Tobi drag you around the kitchen.

“Yeah!” you pant with a bright-eyed grin. You wait until Tobi pulls you out of his impromptu dip before you continue. “Sasori helped me!”

“My man Sasori helped you?” Deidara asks, eye widening and brow quirking in surprise. “ _That_ ’s a rare honor, yeah.”

“I asked him if I could borrow a screwdriver,” you explain before Tobi spins you in a dizzying twirl. “He didn’t trust me with his tools so he did it himself. I think he stayed because he just likes tinkering.” Man. It’s really hard to talk and dance at the same time.

“So are the rest of us going to get a turn?” Hidan pouts as he crosses his arms.

You throw your head back and laugh, breathless and giddy. “Yes, Hidan! You can all have a turn if you want it.” 

They all, indeed, want a turn.

You give them two songs each. Not surprisingly, Hidan’s dance is carnal and very physical; your back pressed against his front with his arms around your waist as he rocks and swings you back and forth with him. It’s honestly a little embarrassing with the others watching. Luckily Deidara gives you a bit more space, dancing much like Tobi did albeit with more grace. Kisame and Itachi both pick slower songs, swinging you around the kitchen and dining room almost ballroom style with far more grace than you yourself possess. You just follow their lead and have fun with it, grinning the entire time.

You’re exhausted when you finish, skin damp with a light sheen of sweat and heart pounding in your chest but your smile no less bright because of it. You can’t remember the last time you enjoyed yourself this much; indulged in such simple, child-like glee.

“Thanks guys,” you pant as you plop down in a chair after the last dance. “I haven’t had that much fun in ages!”

Kisame chuckles as he comes out of the kitchen with a big glass of water in his hand. “It’s been a while for us, too, sweetheart,” he says as he sets it down on a coaster in front of you. You thank him and immediately grab it for a big, long drink. You finish it all in one go, sighing in satisfaction as you set the empty glass back down. God, you’d needed that, and you’re not just talking about the water.

The guys stay in the dining room up until its time for you to start on dinner. They stick around while you work, switching through radio stations while you all talk and laugh and bicker. It’s honestly the best. It feels like something that you could have had with friends back in school if you’d actually been allowed out of the house on your own for more than just your classes.

You really hope you get to experience more moments like this.

*

Hidan and Kakuzu are the first pair to leave. They head out straight after breakfast, planning to be gone for at least the next two weeks.

You got up extra early to make them some onigiri to take for lunch later. You want them to have at least _one_ home-cooked meal on their trip. (Okay, so to be perfectly honest you only really care about Hidan but you don’t want to be rude so you made Kakuzu some, too. Just for the sake of basic politeness and fairness.) Apparently ninja mostly survive on high-calorie, high-nutrient food pills when they’re on the road with the occasional real meal thrown in. As neat and convenient as those sound you can’t imagine them being very satisfying compared to actual food.

You grab the wrapped packages from the fridge and follow them outside, hoping to give Hidan a proper goodbye. He may be a gross, loudmouth fuckboy but you’ll miss him. It’ll be a lot quieter around the base for a while, that’s for sure.

“Here,” you say with a smile when they stop near the doorstep and turn to look back at you. You hold them out to Hidan and he takes them with wide eyes and raised brows. “I made you both some onigiri for lunch.”

He stares at them for a moment, clearly surprised. Then he smirks, looking all too self-satisfied as he glances back up at you with lidded eyes. “Trying to bribe me into coming back, eh?” he teases. Cocky bastard.

You snort and roll your eyes. “Like I really need to bribe you.”

His smirk widens into a grin. “You’re right, babe. Your pussy alone is _more_ than enough!”

“…Actually, you know what? You can _stay_ gone,” you growl as you cross your arms and narrow your eyes at him. You’d slap him for it but you don’t think his scary asshole partner would appreciate having to wait on him to come back from your bedroom.

“Aw, babe, I was just teasing!” he soothes as he sidles closer. “Besides, I said _alone_ ; as in there’s more but even if there wasn’t I’d still come back.”

“You’re just lucky I’m nice,” you huff, feathers smoothed. It’s good to know that you’re more than just a fuck buddy to at least a few of these guys. “Now shoo! The sooner you get going the sooner you can get back.”

“Don’t I get a goodbye kiss?” he purrs with an expectant raise of his brows. You roll your eyes but easily concede; leaning up and in to give him a gentle peck on the jaw. His face flushes an adorable shade of red.

“Now get going,” you hum as you pull back, eyes soft. “Kakuzu is starting to look grumpy.”

Hidan just snorts and gives you a toothy grin. “Kakuzu _always_ looks grumpy.”

“And you wasting time is starting to really piss me off,” Kakuzu growls as he narrows his eyes at the both of you. “Let’s go, Hidan.”

“Don’t get too lonely without me, now!” Hidan says with a wink as his way of goodbye. You just smile and wave him off, watching until the heavy wooden gates close behind them.

You really are going to miss that bastard. 

*

Deidara and Sasori are the next to go.

You do the same for them as you did for Kakuzu and Hidan. You only had to make one lunch this time, though. Sasori obviously doesn’t need it.

You follow Deidara out the door; Sasori waiting for him outside. You close it behind you before you turn to see them off.

…And promptly freeze.

Instead of pretty, redheaded Sasori a hunched, spherical man is waiting at the bottom of the steps; scary eyes narrowed over a cloth mask. Even with said mask it’s obvious that this man is…less than attractive.

“…Sasori?” you ask tentatively as you squint at him.

The man snorts. “Who else would I be?” Even his _voice_ sounds different. Low and rough and gravely.

“…Is this that puppet armor you were working on? Hiruko?” you probe as you ease down the stairs for a better look, curious despite yourself.

“It is,” he answers simply; his giant, metal tail clacking slightly as it shifts behind him. “ _Don’t touch it_.”

You immediately rip your hand back. Honestly you didn’t even realize you were reaching for it. You _really_ need to work on breaking this habit. It’s bound to get you killed around here. “Sorry!”

Sasori just snorts again. “Honestly, it’s like you _want_ to get stabbed.”

“You can touch _my_ art, ________!” Deidara calls from off to the side. You turn towards him, curious to see what he’s made this time.

And promptly squeal in delight.

It’s a giant clay bird, intricate and beautiful. You rush over to touch it immediately.

Just as your fingers get within brushing distance of its beak, however, you freeze; eyes narrowing suspiciously. 

“Wait, this isn’t going to blow up on me, is it?” you ask lowly as you turn your glare on its creator.

Deidara huffs and crosses his arms, looking offended. “For the last time, I’m _not_ going to blow you up, yeah!”

“…Just making sure.” And then you proceed to pet the _shit_ out of his bird. You run your free hand up the break and over its head before trailing it down the neck, loving the smooth, silky feel of it under your fingers. You linger on the back and wings; the deep, groove-like feathers pleasantly rough under your touch. You could honestly pet this thing all day. You’re starting to think you have a problem.

“Thank you, Dei,” you hum when you finally pull back, eyes bright with a grin. You lean over to give him a peck on the cheek. He flushes and rubs at where you kissed him.

“No problem, hm,” he replies, looking a little dazed. But then he smirks, lid dropping to half-mast as a smug look overtakes his pretty face. “It’s always my pleasure to indulge such a fan of my work.”

You roll your eyes as you hand him his lunch. “Well, I appreciate your generosity,” you tease lightly before you look back at Sasori/Hiruko. “Would you like a goodbye kiss, too, Sasori?” After all it would only be fair. He’s a bit prickly but you still enjoy his company on the rare occasions he graces you with it.

“No,” he says lowly, eyes narrowing.

You give him a cheeky grin as you sidle closer. “Are you sure? I hear they’re good luck.”

He snorts. “I don’t _need_ luck. I have something far better. Besides, if you were to put your lips on Hiruko you’d die of heart failure within minutes. It’s covered in poison.”

You stop like a mime running into an invisible brick wall before promptly taking several steps back. “Noted,” you croak, looking him over with wary eyes. “I’ll just blow you a kiss from here, then.” Sasori/Hiruko rolls his eyes as you do just that, Deidara watching on as he snickers.

“Put that bird away, Deidara,” Sasori/Hiruko huffs as he starts shuffling over to the gates. “We’re walking.”

Deidara rolls his eye but makes a hand sign, the beautiful clay bird disappearing in a puff of smoke. “I don’t understand why you’re so opposed to taking my birds, yeah. They’re _much_ faster than walking.”

“Because only an idiot would trust a pyromaniac enough to ride one of his explosives,” Sasori/Hiruko shoots back with an icy glare. “Now let’s get going. We’re wasting time.”

Deidara just snorts before turning back to you with a smirk, blue eye lidded. “We can practice what I’ve read when I get back. I can’t wait to see your pretty face like that again, hm.”

Though your face flushes hot enough to burn you manage to smirk back. “Well you have to get going before you can get back,” you tease as you prop one hand on your hip and wave him away with the other. “Now go on. I’ll be waiting for you here.”

His smirk widens but he doesn’t say anything more as he turns to follow his partner. You wave at them as the gates close, already feeling just a bit lonelier.

*

Tobi and Zetsu head out not long after.

You went ahead and made two lunches this time; just in case. You remember Deidara mentioning something about Zetsu not eating normal food, but on the off chance he was pulling your leg…

“What’s that, _______?” Tobi asks as you shut the front door, head tilting in question at the paper-wrapped packages in your hand.

“Just some onigiri,” you answer with a smile as you make your way down the steps to stand in front of him. “I figured I’d make you two some lunch for the road.”

“That’s so sweet of you!” Tobi squeals as he immediately wraps you up in a hug. You laugh as you pat at his back with your free hand.

“It’s no big deal, really,” you tease when he pulls back. “I just thought I’d save you from those food pills for a little while longer.”

“Well, thank you anyway!” Tobi says brightly as he takes the one you offer to him. “Tobi really appreciates it!”

You turn and look at his partner with a small smile. Though he’s strange and you know very little about him you still want to be polite. He hasn’t done anything to warrant otherwise. “Would you like yours, Zetsu?” you ask as you hold the other package out to him. “I made you some, too.”

He snorts. **“We don’t eat regular food, girl.** Though I do appreciate the thought! **”**

You furrow your brows. So Dei really wasn’t pulling your leg. “Well then what _do_ you eat?” you can’t help but ask. Surely he doesn’t survive on water and sunlight or something. Though he has some plant-like features you can’t imagine that being enough to sustain the more human parts of him.

“I’ll take his portion, _______!” Tobi cuts in before Zetsu can answer. “I’m always willing to eat more of your yummy food!”

“Oh, uh, sure,” you stammer as you hand it to him. “When are you supposed to get back, by the way?”

“About three weeks from now,” Tobi hums as he tucks both packages into one of his cloak pockets. “We have to travel really far for this one.”

“I see,” you say, shoulders slumping a little. Three weeks is a pretty long time. “I’ll miss you. It’s already so much quieter around the base with most of the others gone, too.”

He wraps you up in another tight hug, his “cheek” rubbing against yours. “I’ll miss you, too! But don’t worry. I’ll be back before you know it!”

You giggle as you return his hug. He really is a sweetheart. “You better! I don’t know what I’d do without my best dancing buddy,” you tease. Before he pulls back you lean in to give him a gentle parting kiss to the “cheek” under his eye.

“For good luck,” you say with a wink. Tobi just nods as he scratches sheepishly at the back of his head.

“I have never engaged in a ritual preceding a mission before,” Zetsu suddenly pipes up as he takes a couple of steps closer, head tilted curiously. “May I try as well?”

“Oh, uh…” you glance at Tobi on reflex. You don’t know much about this one yet. Sure, half of him may be polite, but the other half…not so much. And that big Venus flytrap around his head is rather intimidating…

Tobi just gives you a double thumbs up in encouragement. “Tobi says go for it! Zetsu won’t hurt you, will you Zetsu.”

“I wasn’t planning on it, no,” Zetsu responds. The black half of his face grins, sharp and cruel. **“Unless you want me too, that is…”**

You take a big step back on instinct as Tobi slaps his forehead.

“That’s not how you talk to a lady, Zetsu!” Tobi chastises with a wag of his finger. “You have to be _nice_!”

“Ah, my apologies!” the white half of him soothes. “He can get a little…excitable sometimes. He doesn’t really mean it.”

The black half of him snorts. **“You don’t speak for me, you fool.”**

Okay, this is getting weird even by _your_ new standards. Why the hell is he talking to himself like that? You’re ready for him to just leave already. He’s starting to give you the hebbie-jebbies.

“…Alright,” you concede just to get him out of your hair faster. “I’ll give you a kiss. But you have to promise not to bite me or something!”

Both halves of his face light up in a grin; the white side bright and genuine while the black side’s is sharp and a little scary. You regret this already. “I promise/ **I promise,”** the halves say in unison. Well, _that’s_ going to haunt your nightmares.

You ease over, still a little cautious. Once you get within touching distance you stop, eyeing him warily. You reach a hand out first, just to test. Better your hand than your face, after all. You ease it through the leaves of his death trap until the tips of your fingers brush against the top of his chest and keep them there for a moment. The black half of him snorts.

 **“Well now that’s just rude, girl,”** he snarks with an amused glint in that strange yellow eye of his. **“We already promised not to hurt you. Is our word just worthless garbage to you?”**

“Oh hush,” the white half of him chastises. “It’s not like you’ve given her much reason to trust us.”

Well, you have yet to lose your hand or any fingers so you suppose it’s safe enough. You pull your hand back and lean forward, his leaves tickling your cheeks as you brush by them. You give a quick kiss to the cheek of his white side before moving over to do the same to the black, just to be safe. You don’t want him to get offended about that, too, after all.

“Thank you,” the white half hums with a grin as you pull back. “I can see why this would become a ritual. It is…strangely pleasant.”

 **“I suppose it does somewhat make up for your earlier rudeness,”** the black half admits with a grin of his own. **“Though we may have to come back to make sure it’s made up for in full.”**

God, why can’t any of these guys just be normal? Or at the very least not an entitled, creepy fucking weirdo. Except Tobi, Itachi, and Kisame, of course. They’re cool.

“Alright, well, you guys probably need to get going!” you remind with a forced smile. You’re ready for him to be gone, like, ten minutes ago. “After all, the sooner you get going the sooner you can get back!” _Except you, Zetsu. You can take your time._

“Can Tobi please have another kiss before he goes?” Tobi asks sweetly as he slides over to stand beside you. “For extra good luck, of course!”

“Of course,” you tease with a gentle smile as you turn to give him another smooch in the same place as before. “Now off you go. I’m sure you all have a long day of travel ahead of you.”

Tobi waves at you as they leave, upper body twisted around to keep you in sight all the way to the gate. You grin as you wave back, heart feeling just a touch heavier as it closes behind them.

Now your group is down to three.

*

Itachi and Kisame are the last to leave.

It was inevitable, you know, but you weren’t expecting them to leave quite so soon after the last group. It’s going to be strange around here for a while. Quiet and empty. Hopefully your backlog of books will keep you entertained and distracted enough while they’re gone. You’re already feeling a little lonely and they haven’t even left yet.

You once again follow them out the door after breakfast, packaged onigiri in hand. You know Itachi won’t be surprised since he’s always up when you make them but Kisame probably isn’t expecting it. You’re sure he’ll be pleased.

“Here,” you say quietly as you hand out both lunches to their respective recipients. “I made you both some lunch for the road.”

Kisame takes his from your hand gently, eyes a little wide in surprise as he stares at it. Then he glances up at you and grins, sharp and genuine. “Thanks, sweetheart! This sure as hell beats those food pills we’ll be taking for most of the trip.”

Itachi takes his and tucks it into one of his cloak pockets with a quiet ‘thank you.’ You smile at them both.

“It’s no problem,” you hum as you rock back a little on your heels. “It’s the least I could do.”

Kisame chuckles as he tucks his away. Then he reaches out and ruffles your hair, vigorous but playful. You huff but don’t bother batting his hand away. This is the last one you’ll be getting for a while, after all.

“It’s still very much appreciated, kitten,” he rumbles as he pulls back. “It’s an effort a lot of others wouldn’t make.”

You feel your face flush, embarrassed. “It’s just some onigiri. Anyway, are you going to lean down so I can give you your good luck kiss or am I going to have to climb you for it?” You figure it’s best to change the subject. A little lunch really isn’t a big deal and the praise is making you flustered.

His eyes light up immediately and you mildly regret putting that second idea in his head. “You want a kiss so badly you’re willing to climb me for it, eh?” he teases as he leans down closer to your level. Knowing this game by now, you dart out to give him a kiss-

-Only to have him pull back in the nick of time just like always. He laughs as you roll your eyes.

“Well, I’ll just give Itachi yours, too, then!” you joke grump as you turn towards the other man. “If you want them, that is,” you add a little more softly.

Itachi just gives you a small smile. “I suppose it couldn’t hurt…”

You grin as you lean in to give him two gentle kisses, one on each corner of his mouth. Kisame’s still grinning when you pull away.

“I’m proud of you, Itachi!” he jokes with a playful slap to his partner’s back. “You finally got to first base!”

You just roll your eyes again at his teasing. “And you have yet to get your kisses,” you point out. “So get down here!”

Kisame just keeps grinning as he leans down, not pulling away this time as you give him two soft kisses on the corners of his mouth.

“There,” you tease, patting his cheeks as you pull back. “Now you’re both extra lucky!”

“I’d definitely say we’re pretty lucky, kitten,” Kisame teases right back with a surprisingly soft smile. “After all, we got lucky enough to get _you_.”

Your face suddenly burns like a July sun. “Flattery will get you nowhere, mister!”

“Wasn’t flattery, sweetheart,” Kisame says with a chuckle and another ruffle of your hair. “Just the truth.”

Why is _this_ what makes your insides melt? Gah, these men are going to be the death of you.

“Just come back soon, okay?” you huff with no real bite. “I already miss you guys!”

“We should be back in a couple of weeks,” Itachi says gently. “Three at the very most.”

“I guess I can wait that long,” you concede with a false grumpy tone and pouty stance. “You two stay safe out there, okay?” You’re not sure what their mission entails but you know that the life of a shinobi is a dangerous one. You’d hate to lose them just as you were starting to really like them.

Itachi just nods as Kisame grins.

“Don’t worry, sweetheart,” Kisame says. “We’ve got each others’ backs.”

And with that they’re off, Kisame waving back at you as they head off on their mission.

You sigh as you once again watch those heavy wooden gates shut, loneliness already tugging at the edges of your heart. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **THIS IS NOT A DRILL! THERE IS NOW FANART INSPIRED BY THIS STORY!! Its by @JuicyBones568 on Twitter and I posted the links in a chapter of Side Fic with Benefits. Go check it out guys! It is so beautiful and I honestly almost cried. Thank you so much, Juicy!!**
> 
> Also, I now have a side-fic for this story! It's called 'Side Fic with Benefits'. It will be full of one-shots, drabbles, and alternate/cut scenes from this story. Some will be canon while others will not. I've already got an alternate Kakuzu scene and the Kisame bj practice scene from this chapter there!
> 
> P.S. - The timeline for this story takes place between the two-and-a-half year gap between the first series and Shippuden when Team 7 are all off training with the Sanin! We're still pretty close to the beginning of that time period. This story ain't over yet, babes. 
> 
> Thanks as always, my darlings! Stay safe and sane out there! Hopefully this fic offers a nice escape from all this real-world bullshit for a little bit.


	12. Getting (a)Head

The base is quiet, empty.

It’s the first time you’ve been completely alone since you were first brought here. It’s…really lonely, actually. Though you lived alone before this you’d very quickly grown used to the others’ company; enjoyed it, even. You can’t deny that despite their rowdiness they’re all really entertaining. And it’s not like you have much to do around here otherwise. As much as you love reading, five straight days of nothing but sitting still with a book in your hands is making you restless.

Still, it’s all you really have to do so you do it. The radio helps when the quiet starts to get to be too much but it doesn’t offer much else in the way of entertainment. You’re _definitely_ going to have to look into getting some hobbies. Or maybe you could look into sprucing up your new living space. If you could find the cards you’d play some Solitaire but alas you have yet to succeed. You’ll have to ask one of the guys when they’re here. Hell, now that you think about it, it’s likely one of them took the deck along with them. You’re sure life on the road can get just as boring sometimes.

You’ve taken to reading in a different place in the base each day; just to shake things up a little. You stay out of the guys’ rooms, of course, but everything else is free game. Your favorite so far is the bathroom. Though it can be a bit of a pain to keep the pages from getting wet you have to admit that reading in the tub is extra relaxing.

You’re in the living room today, stretched out on the couch as you whittle away another quiet afternoon with words. It’s another one of Itachi’s recommendations. One from his personal collection, in fact. Some epic involving a disgraced samurai on the long, hard road to redemption. Though it was a little dry in the beginning, you pushed through to the more action-packed and emotional bits and now find yourself wholly invested in his heartbreaking story.

“-you always fucking do this! You never fucking listen to what I have to say or what I fucking want! I swear you’re so fucking-“

Though it’s muffled through the thick walls you’d recognize that loud-ass voice anywhere.

Hidan and Kakuzu are back.

You perk up just as you hear the front door open. Though you’re not exactly looking forward to being nearly alone with Kakuzu you _are_ looking forward to spending some time with Hidan. When you’re not reading you’re bored out of your mind and you can’t deny that after day three of absolutely no human interaction you found yourself almost unbearably lonely.

Kakuzu stomps into the living room heading towards the hall, the handle of a silver briefcase clenched tightly in one of his fists. Hidan follows hot on his heels, still bitching loud enough to wake the dead. Neither one of them seems to notice your form still lying on the couch.

“If you hadn’t stopped for that stupid fucking bounty we would have been back three fucking days ago!” Hidan snarls. “You know how often I get ________ all to myself?! Never! Bitchface and Dick Splinters are due back tomorrow and you wasted almost all my free time with her just to make a quick fucking buck! I swear to Jashin it’s like you _want_ to piss me off!”

Kakuzu just ignores him as he continues to tromp slowly through the living room, eyes narrowed in clear irritation.

“Oi! Fuckface! Don’t fucking ignore me!”

And then Hidan proceeds to do the absolute stupidest thing you’ve personally seen him do to date.

He reaches up and smacks Kakuzu across the back of his head.

Faster than you can blink, Kakuzu is whirling on him; hand turning a strange dark gray as he flattens it to slice clean through Hidan’s neck. Hidan’s head rolls to a stop near the coffee table, his body toppling over backwards like an unsteady bookcase and hitting the floor with a heavy, resounding 'thunk.'

You _screech_ , jumping off the couch like it just caught fire and scrambling through the nearest empty archway in a panicked, animal-instinct effort to get away.

…Which means you’re now cornered in the kitchen.

Fucking great.

You’re not going down without a fight this time, goddamn it!

You sprint over to the cabinet with all the pots and pans, quickly yanking out the biggest skillet you can comfortably wield and holding it aloft like a baseball bat; fully intent on beating that psycho’s ass with it.

You hear heavy footsteps coming towards the kitchen, thunderous and heralding. You swallow around the fear in your throat, heart pounding a heavy staccato in your chest as your legs start to shake. If he wants your head he’s going to at the very least get a bruised hand for his efforts.

Kakuzu steps through the threshold a moment later, red-green eyes narrowed as they immediately hone in on you. He snorts.

“And just what are you planning to do with that skillet?” he asks gruffly, like it’s not fucking obvious.

“COME ANY CLOSER AND YOU’LL FIND OUT!” you shriek, voice sounding shrill even to your own ears. Your arms are shaking now, adrenaline coursing through your veins like liquid fire. Your fingers are wrapped so tightly around the handle they’re starting to ache.

His eyes narrow further. “If you break that it’ll be coming out of _your_ pay.”

“AND IF YOU COME ANY CLOSER IT’LL BE GOING UP _YOUR_ ASS!” You wish you could feel like more of a badass for managing to grit out such snappy one-liners under the circumstances but you’re currently too busy trying not to piss yourself and/or die to focus on much else.

He just snorts again. “I’d like to see you try, girlie. It’s been a while since I’ve had a good laugh.”

Figures he’d get his jollies from shit like this.

Throwing all caution to the wind, you promptly fling the skillet towards his head with all your strength. As he’s distracted with catching it you take a running leap towards the counter, sliding across it to land on the other side in a feat of athleticism you probably wouldn’t be capable of without instinct and fear chemicals pumping through your body. You sprint though the dining room at full speed, heading straight to your bedroom. Deep in the back of your mind you know it won’t really protect you but your panicked animal brain just wants to get to the safest place it knows right now.

You slam the door shut and lock it with trembling fingers, leaning all your weight against the thick wood as you try to catch your breath.

Well, now you’re _definitely_ fucked. There’s nowhere to go from here, no windows to climb through. Hopefully Kakuzu will decide you’re not worth the effort and just leave you alone.

The heavy knock on the other side lets you know you won’t be so lucky.

Hopefully his need to save money will at least keep him from kicking it in. If you can just wait him out long enough maybe one of the others will come to your rescue.

“Hidan’s not dead,” Kakuzu’s gruff voice filters in from the other side.

“LIKE HELL HE’S NOT DEAD!” you screech, hands clenching into fists against the door. “YOU CUT OFF HIS HEAD YOU FUCKING PSYCHO!”

“Nah, he’s right babe,” another voice chimes in. “I’m still kickin’. My neck hurts like a goddamn bitch, though.”

There’s no way. There is absolutely _no way_ that is actually Hidan talking. You just saw him get decapitated, watched his headless body slump to the floor with your own two eyes. This has to be a trick.

“You’re lying!” you say hoarsely. “You’re playing some sick ninja trick on me! I know it!”

“Open the door, babe,” ‘Hidan’ says, voice surprisingly soft. “I promise it’s me.”

“…Prove it.” You have to be sure. Have to know it’s really him.

“Well, you’ve got that cute little birthmark on your left ass cheek for one,” he teases. “I don’t think stitch-face here has seen that himself, yet.”

…This was a mistake.

“You also really, _really_ like it when I do that thing with my fingers,” he continues as your face starts to burn. “You know, when I-“

“That’s enough, Hidan!” you squeak loudly. “I believe you!” You crack open the door, just enough to peek out.

…And are immediately greeted by the sight of Kakuzu holding up Hidan’s still-severed head.

“See, babe?” the head says with a wide, toothy grin as it swings lazily by its hair from Kakuzu’s thick fingers. “Toldja I was okay!”

Your world promptly goes black.

*

You come to with a groan, the back of your head aching. You reach back there to feel around, your fingers brushing over an egg-sized lump welted up under your hair. What the hell happened?

“Finally!” Hidan’s voice cuts through the haze. “You were out for almost an hour, babe!”

You groan again as you crack your eyes open, the dull, pristine white of your ceiling coming into view. The fingers of your other hand twitch at your side, catching on something soft. Seems like you’re on your bed.

“What happened?” you croak as you struggle to sit up. Hidan presses his hand flat against your back to help you.

“You passed out,” he explains simply as you try to regain your bearings. “Guess the excitement of seeing me after missing me for so long was just too much for you to handle!” 

You shoot him a weak glare, not really in the mood or mindset to deal with his cockiness right now. Then something near his neck catches your attention and you glance down, staring at the thick, cord-like stitches that now mar his pale skin.

“What happened to your neck?” you ask, brows furrowing.

Hidan’s brows furrow right back. “Do you really not remember? Damn, you must have hit your head harder than we thought. Kakuzu got pissed at me and cut my head off. Then you freaked the fuck out and ran in here.”

Right. It’s all coming back to you now.

How unfortunate.

You scowl at him. “Well, I think most people would ‘freak the fuck out’ after _watching someone get fucking decapitated right in front of them_ ,” you bite back harshly. Why are perfectly normal, reasonable reactions to ridiculous situations seen as weird around here? It baffles the logical mind.

“I already told you I’m immortal, babe,” he replies with a shrug. “You should have known I was okay.”

Right. He did tell you that. Well fuck you with a stick for not believing him, you guess. You’ll never doubt it again.

“Well, I believe you now,” you say dryly as you move to slide off the bed. Your throat and mouth are dry and you want nothing more than a glass of water and some aspirin for your aching head. Figures Kakuzu wouldn’t be considerate enough to catch you on your way down. Fucking psychotic asshole.

“Wait, you didn’t believe me?!” Hidan shouts as he scrambles off the bed after you, following behind like an overly attached puppy.

“Not fully, no,” you admit as you forge onward towards the kitchen, jaw set and gaze firmly ahead. “But it’s not because it came from you. I wouldn’t have believed _anyone_ who told me that. I’m a civilian and we don’t do all this weird ninja shit.”

“Hey!” he spits as he catches up to stroll beside you. “It’s not fuckin’ ‘weird’!”

“Yes, Hidan. It is,” you shoot back flatly. “Cool, maybe, but still very, _very_ weird.”

“…So you think I’m cool, then…” he says lowly, lips twitching up into his signature shitty smirk as his lids drop to half-mast. You roll your eyes.

“In some ways, yeah,” you admit easily. No use in hiding it or lying about it. “In others? Not so much.”

He stops dead in his tracks, watching you keep walking with wide eyes.

“What the fuck is _that_ supposed to mean?!” he snaps as he scrambles to catch back up.

“Exactly what I said,” you say evenly as you finally come to a stop in the kitchen. You dig out a big glass from one of the cabinets and set it next to the sink before going to grab the aspirin from the medicine cabinet. Thank god they have one. “You’re cool by default for being a shinobi and the immortality thing is wicked neat but you’re also gross and a bit of a loud mouth.” Your head hurts too much for you to think too hard about being tactful right now. You’re getting _real_ tired of all these scary surprises.

“…How am I gross?” Hidan asks, brows furrowing and nose scrunching in confusion.

“You talk with food in your mouth and spew it all over the table for one,” you answer dryly as you fill your glass from the sink. You down your pill before continuing, sure you’ll need it for both the physical and metaphorical headaches that you know are coming. “And just the other week you farted so hard I’m surprised you didn’t levitate off the couch. Then you fucking _laughed_ when I started gagging.”

“But it was so fucking _funny_ , babe!” he counters with a whine.

“My eyes were watering, Hidan!” you hiss as you slam the now-empty glass back down on the counter. “I would have asked you what the fuck you ate but _I’m_ the one cooking all of your goddamn meals!” As much as you love roasted brussel sprouts they may very well have to be permanently crossed off the menu. You’re not sure you could survive another bio-nuclear attack like that. Maybe you’ll just have to look into getting a gas mask…

“It’s not _my_ fucking fault your food made me gassy!” he pouts as he crosses his arms.

“No, but you could have at _least_ had the common courtesy to go to the bathroom or outside before you let that monster loose!” you spit as you start back towards your bedroom. It’s hard to believe that only an hour ago you were looking _forward_ to Hidan’s return. Now all you want to do is curl up and take a long, quiet nap. “Instead you just _had_ to be gross and ass-blast me!”

He snickers as he follows after you, easily keeping up with your shorter strides. “Oh, I’ll ‘ass-blast’ you alright,” he purrs with a shitty little wink. “All you have to do is ask, babe.”

You roll your eyes but don’t say anything more. Clearly nothing you say is going to get through that big, thick head of his. And even if it _did_ his lone brain cell is far too focused on churning out shitty innuendos to devote any power to really hearing it.

Finally reaching your room, you immediately pull back your covers and crawl into bed; determined to sleep the edge off this growing headache. Not surprisingly, Hidan follows in after you, sliding in on the other side like he fucking belongs there.

“…Did I say you could join me?” you ask flatly as he cuddles up against your back.

“I missed you,” he murmurs lowly as he wraps his arm around your waist and pulls you into him. “I wanted to come back sooner but my shitty partner _made_ us take on an extra bounty.”

You soften despite yourself. He’s technically not hurting anything or being any worse than usual. You’re just in a sour mood. One that wasn’t even (fully) caused by him. And he _has_ done a good job of warding off your earlier loneliness…

“…Alright. You can stay,” you concede with a sigh. “But if you fart on me like that again this is the last time this happens, you hear me?”

“Loud and clear, babe!” he coos as he snuggles his face in your hair and lets out a content sigh.

You roll your eyes but soon fall into a light, easy sleep.

*

A loud knocking on your doorframe jolts you both awake sometime later.

Hidan’s out of the bed in a heartbeat, primed and ready to fight. Once he sees who it is, though, he relaxes.

“Geez, Kakuzu, did you really have to go and ruin the moment?” he asks around a yawn as he stretches and scratches at the back of his head.

“It’s time for dinner and it’s not on the table,” Kakuzu growls from the open doorway. “You’re late, girlie.”

You glance at your alarm clock. You are, indeed, fifteen minutes late. You resist the urge to roll your eyes.

“Sorry,” you reply dryly as you slide out of bed. You make no move to go near the door, though. “I didn’t set my alarm because I didn’t think I’d be out that long. Must be the blunt-force head trauma getting to me.” You can’t help but throw that last bit in. With their crazy-fast reflexes you’re sure he could have easily caught you before you hit the ground. The asshole just chose not to.

“If your skull is really that weak then I’m surprised you’ve made it this far,” he shoots back with narrowed eyes.

“Yeah, well, I didn’t have people actively trying to test its durability before,” you snark as you cross your arms and narrow your eyes right back at him. “And if you want me to cook you’re going to have to move out of the doorway. I can’t exactly get to the kitchen with you there.”

“I deal with enough lip from Hidan, girlie,” he growls lowly. “I sure as hell don’t need it from you too.”

“Fine. I’m sorry.” You just lived through a rather traumatic experience. You _really_ don’t want to have to go through another one so soon. “Now please let me go make dinner.”

He stares at you for a long moment, eyes still narrowed in a dark glare. You just stare right back, face schooled into passive neutrality. You’ve worked retail _far_ too long not to know how to play this game.

Hidan just glances back and forth between the two of you, not quite sure what to do.

Finally, just as you’re contemplating taking a chance and squeezing past him, he huffs and turns to leave. You watch as he lumbers away back down the hall, only moving once you hear the slam of his bedroom door.

_Asshole._

“You really need to be careful with him, babe,” Hidan murmurs as he follows you to the kitchen. “He can be hard to predict. Sometimes he takes sass okay and other times he doesn’t. I can afford to take that chance but you can’t.”

“I’m aware,” you shoot back dryly over your shoulder. “He just…he just _really_ pushes my buttons is all.” Honestly, you haven’t hated someone this much since Mr. Fujita. But even your former landlord didn’t scare the absolute shit out of you. You really do need to watch it with this one. Here you’re dealing with more than just the threat of getting kicked out.

You suppress a shudder as you start glancing through the fridge for ideas, Hidan settling at the kitchen island to watch. You want something relatively quick to make tonight. Best not keep King Asshole waiting any longer than necessary.

You settle on yaki udon with shrimp, broccoli, and shredded carrot. Less than twenty-five minutes later it’s done and plated. Cooking for three is a lot easier than cooking for seven.

“Hidan, would you mind taking Kakuzu his, please?” you ask as you set a pair of chopsticks on one of the portions and hand it to him. “I’m really not in the mood to see him right now.”

“Sure thing, babe,” he says as he takes it. You deflate a little in relief as he hops off his stool and starts strolling towards the hall without saying anything more. You were worried he’d put up more of a fuss. Maybe you should cuddle with him more often. It seems to soften him up quite a bit.

Dinner is filled with Hidan’s grand tales from their latest mission. Apparently they were hired by some small village or other to take out a particularly nasty group of brigands that kept harassing and even kidnapping their people. You can’t help but be amused by his animated reenactment of it; even if it’s all rather violent. You know shinobi lead very different lives from your own but it’s still rather shocking and jarring to be confronted with even a mere hint of the realities of it like this.

After a quick clean-up you pull Hidan into a few rousing games of Cheat. Turns out he was the one that took the cards. You’ll just get another deck or two the next time you’re in town. You both manage to break about even in terms of wins. It’s honestly fun; a nice break from reading by yourself. Of course he then drags you into the bathroom for a wash and a soak and that’s where the fun comes to a screeching halt.

Kakuzu’s already in the tub.

He cracks his eyes open as you both stroll inside, smirking when he notices you immediately tense. But then he promptly closes them again and settles back into the hot water, propping his elbows on the rim and clearly not ready to leave just yet.

“Come'on, babe!” Hidan says with a gentle tug to your arm. “The sooner we get clean the sooner we can soak!”

“…Right,” you mumble as you follow along behind him and sit at the wash station next to his. This is going to be hella awkward but you’re going to force yourself to go through with it. Hopefully with Hidan here to act as a buffer this will be at least _slightly_ less painful than a root canal without anesthesia.

Hidan babbles on about the Jashinest Tenets of Cleanliness as you both scrub down. You just hum and nod along, not really paying attention. You’re too busy listening for the sound of sloshing water, for some sign that Kakuzu is getting ready to leave.

It doesn’t come.

Damn it.

“Ahhh!” Hidan sighs as he finally slides into the large, steaming bath. You settle next to him, as far away from Kakuzu as you can politely get. “Now this is more like it! Traveling those dusty fucking roads for so long really makes you appreciate shit like this!”

Kakuzu snorts but doesn’t open his eyes. “I think that’s the biggest word I’ve ever heard you use.”

“What word?” Hidan asks, brows furrowing in confusion. “‘Fucking’?’ I use that word all the goddamn time!”

“…You really are an idiot,” Kakuzu grumbles as he opens his eyes just to pin Hidan with a disappointed look. “Do you even know what the word ‘appreciate’ means? Or are you just repeating what someone else said?”

You just barely reign in a snicker. You refuse to laugh at anything this man says. You won’t give him the satisfaction.

“Of course I know what it means!” Hidan snaps with bared teeth. “It means to know something’s worth!”

Kakuzu just snorts again as he closes his eyes. “Well, color _me_ surprised. You hardly ever use words with more than two syllables.”

“…More than two what now?”

You roll your eyes.

“More than two stressed vowel sounds in a word,” you explain. Hidan swivels his head around to face you, clearly still confused. You sigh. “There are six vowels,” you continue, holding up your fingers to count them down. “A, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y if it sounds like i or e in the word. How many syllables a word has is based on how many stressed vowels it has. For example, water has two - wAtEr.”

“Oh…” he says, face scrunching as he thinks about it. Hopefully it doesn’t overload his poor brain cell. You’re sure not even _he_ can twist _that_ into an innuendo.

…But then he smirks. You’ll give that brain cell credit. It is damn bound and determined to do its one job. 

“So ‘fucking’ _also_ has two syllables, right?” he teases with a raise of his brows as he leans in with lidded bedroom eyes. “FUck and Ing?”

“…Yes, Hidan, it does,” you sigh as you pinch between your eyes. This is supposed to be _relaxing_ , damn it! Not…whatever the fuck is happening right now. They’re not paying you _nearly_ enough to be a goddamn teacher, too!

Kakuzu snorts again. You almost ask if it’s because he’s a pig but you smartly refrain. You don’t want to die naked in a bathtub of all places. “I don’t know why you’re bothering. He’s not going to retain any of that.”

“I’m not THAT fucking stupid!” Hidan spits as he whirls back around to glare daggers at his partner.

“I beg to differ.”

“YOU WANNA FUCKING GO, BITCHBALLS?!” Hidan yells as he stands up to (ineffectively) loom over Kakuzu. “BECAUSE I WILL _GLADLY_ KICK YOUR BARE, UGLY ASS!”

“Hidan, for fuck’s sake, sit your ass back down!” you hiss as you tug at his arm. “We’re supposed to be relaxing, remember?!”

He huffs as he sinks back down into the water, pouting as he crosses his arms. “Fine. I’ll just kick his ass later.”

“You couldn’t kick my ass three hours ago,” Kakuzu points out dryly as he opens his eyes just to narrow them again. “What makes you think you could pull it off _now_?”

“…A feeling.”

“A feeling…” Kakuzu repeats flatly with a roll of his eyes. “Are you sure it’s not just gas?”

You laugh. You can’t help yourself. Despite everything you find yourself hunched over with your arms around your stomach cackling like a loon. You’re just going to blame the stress. Yeah, that’s it. This is a stress laugh; not an actual funny-haha laugh. Kakuzu is still a scary asshole. This changes _nothing_.

“Aww, come on babe!” Hidan whines as he looks back at you. “Not you, too!”

“Sorry, Hidan,” you apologize as you wipe at your eyes. “I think stress just got the better of me. It sometimes makes me react weirdly to things. Makes me laugh at things I normally wouldn’t.” _See, asshole? It wasn’t actually YOU!_

“Does stress also make you a horrible liar?” Kakuzu deadpans without missing a beat.

“Does it make you an extra big asshole? Because clearly the hot water’s not working for you, then, either,” you snap back without really thinking. Shit. He caught you off guard.

He snorts, narrowing those red-green eyes at you. “I’m actually in a pretty good mood, girlie. You haven’t seen me anywhere near my worst.”

“I beg to differ,” you shoot back bitterly.

Hidan just glances back and forth between you again, unsure of just what’s happening here.

“That wasn’t my worst,” Kakuzu continues evenly. “My worst involves a _lot_ more blood.”

“…I think I’m done soaking for now,” you snip as you turn and pull yourself out of the tub. You grab your towel and wrap it around yourself before grabbing your robe and caddy. “Goodnight, gentlemen.”

“But we just got here!” Hidan whines as he hops out and follows you.

“Just because I’m leaving doesn’t mean _you_ have to, Hidan,” you say simply as you stop in the entryway. “You can swing by my room when you’re finished here.”

He huffs and crosses his arms. “Ugh, _fine_.” Then he smirks, eyes lidding as he leans in closer, breathing your air. “I’ll just help you relax later then, babe.”

“I’m counting on it,” you reply with a smirk. Then, just to get him all flustered, you lean in and give him a kiss on the end of his nose. His face flushes red as you pull back. You just wink at him before sauntering off to your room. He stares after you, a dazed look on his handsome face.

“…She’s totally into me,” he says with an overly self-satisfied smirk as he turns and heads back over to the tub.

Kakuzu just snorts as he rolls his eyes. “Because she’s being paid to be, idiot.”

“Well I didn’t see _you_ getting any kisses you grumpy old fuck,” Hidan taunts as he slides back into the water. “I think you’re just jealous.”

“Like I give a rat’s ass what that woman thinks of me,” Kakuzu growls as he closes his eyes again and leans his head back. “She’s here to do a job. To be used. That’s all.”

“See, now _that’s_ why you don’t get any kisses!” Hidan spits with a roll of his eyes. “Would it really kill you to stop being such a hardass for, like, _once_ in your stupidly long life?”

“Maybe I’ve lived this long _because_ I’m a ‘hardass’. Did you ever think of that? That was a rhetorical question, by the way. I already know you don’t think.”

Hidan just snorts and closes his own eyes as he settles in. “Whatever, man. We’ll just let her keep being all soft and sweet with the rest of us. _Our_ masculinity isn’t threatened by such stupid shit.”

Kakuzu doesn’t say anything more, knowing it’ll be far easier on his ears to just let Hidan have the last word.

*

Hidan knocks on your door a good forty-five minutes later.

Naturally, he’s still damp and naked from the bath; nothing but a towel slung low around his hips. You’d roll your eyes if you weren’t too busy using them to appreciate the view. He may have the mouth of a sailor but he’s got the body of a professional athlete. His classically handsome face isn’t too bad, either.

“You ready for a good time, gorgeous?” he purrs with lidded eyes as he leans against your doorframe. Your own eyes can’t help but follow the beautifully stretched line of his side. “Because I’ve been ready for _days_.”

“Did you forget that your hands are a valid option again?” you tease with a smile as you wave him in. He just smirks as he follows.

“Nah, you’ve just got me all spoiled now, babe,” he says as you shut and lock the door. “My hand doesn’t feel _nearly_ as good as your pussy.” You flush even as you roll your eyes. As vulgar as they are they’re still fully meant to be compliments. Coming from _him_ you suppose you should be flattered.

“Well, I’ve missed your ‘company’ too, handsome,” you purr as you pull off your night clothes. Going from having good sex multiple times a day to having nothing but your fingers was a bit more jarring than you expected. You really are looking forward to this.

Not surprisingly, his hands are on you as soon as you’re bare. What _is_ surprising is how gently he smoothes them down your sides. He snuggles up against your back as they come to rest on your hips, his chin propping on your shoulder so that his hot breath fans across your ear, making you shiver and clench. God, have you really become this addicted to them already?

“You know,” he purrs huskily with a gentle nibble to your earlobe. He smirks when you shiver again. “It hit me while I was eating that lunch you packed us for the road that I haven’t gotten to taste that pretty pussy of yours yet…” You moan lowly at his words.

…But then you suddenly remember that nice, bloody bite he gave you that very first night and suddenly the idea doesn’t seem _nearly_ as appealing.

“I don’t know if I trust that mouth of yours so close to my lady-bits,” you say flatly as you turn your face to pin him with a matching look. “The absolute _last_ thing I want is you biting me down there.”

“Ah, babe, I already apologized for that!” he whines as he removes his hands from your hips to wrap his arms around your middle instead. “And I haven’t bitten you since! Surely you’d trust me a little more by now!”

“I mean, I _did_ almost bleed out, Hidan,” you remind him a little more coldly. Accident or no it was still a pretty damn traumatic thing. “And Sasori’s not here for you to bribe this time if something goes wrong.” …Though now that you think about it that would probably be the _actual_ last thing you’d want. Just the thought of flat-faced Sasori strolling in to take care of your bleeding lady-bits is almost enough of a turn-off for you to call this whole damn session off. You’d honestly rather bleed to death than face whatever snarky little remarks he’d come up with about healing something like _that._

“I promise nothing will go wrong!” Hidan says as his arms tighten around your waist, surprisingly genuine and earnest. “Besides, I _did_ say I was going to help you relax, remember?”

“…Surprisingly the thought of you accidentally biting my crotch does nothing to help me relax.”

“I _promise_ I won’t bite, babe! Please?”

…Well, Hidan _does_ rarely say please. And he _has_ done a good job of not making that first night a repeat performance…And you _are_ still pretty horny…

“…Fine,” you concede with a sigh. “But I swear if you bite me I will cut off your balls and feed them to you!”

He just snickers against your neck, obviously amused. “You’re really cute when you try to act all tough, you know that?”

“And you better stop talking and put that mouth to work before good sense gets a hold of me,” you huff, semi-regretting this already.

“Oh, don’t worry, babe,” Hidan purrs darkly into your skin. “Once I get started you won’t be able to think of anything else.”

The next thing you know he’s scooping you up and strolling over to the bed. He lays you down on it with your head resting on your pillows before crawling on himself; magenta eyes dark and hungry as they bore into your own. It’s enough to make you shiver. He wastes no time, immediately spreading your legs and settling on his stomach between them. He looks up with lidded eyes to give you a sexy little smirk, the look going straight to your clit. God, he really does look extra hot like this.

“You may want to hold on to something," he husks as his hands grip your thighs. “I’m not planning on going easy on ya.”

You go to roll your eyes-

Only to yelp and buck instead as he promptly sucks the entire top half of your pussy into his hot, wet mouth. He chuckles at the sound, the vibrations going straight to your clit as your hand instinctively tangles in his still slightly-damp hair. God, he wasn’t lying about not going easy.

“See, babe?” he purrs when he pulls back. His eyes are so dark they’re practically maroon, his smirk wide and predatory. It makes your cunt clench. “Toldja I’d leave you speechless.”

He’s back on you before you can snark at him, gasping instead as your hips buck against up the rough, sinful tongue that laps harshly at your swollen clit. Before you can get used to it, though, he trails it further down, promptly shoving it into your slick cunt as his hand moves to thumb at your clit in its place. _God_ , you should have asked him to do this sooner.

“You taste as sweet as you look, gorgeous,” he pulls back to huff against your slick, sensitive flesh. His hot breath makes you shiver almost violently, your hand tugging roughly at his hair and making him groan. “Everything about you is just so goddamn _sweet_.”

He buries his mouth against your cunt again before you can say or do anything, near-ravenous in his attack. He alternates between using his tongue to lap at your clit and fucking you with it, twisting and curling and pumping inside you in ways that make you throw your head back and mewl. Whenever his tongue’s not working your clit his thumb and fingers are, never leaving you wanting.

Your orgasm takes you by surprise, hits you sooner than expected. Clearly going without for so long has made you extra sensitive. You choke as it barrels through you, instinctively shoving Hidan’s head against your crotch as you tense and shiver and ride it out. He doesn’t even _try_ to pull away. He just groans as he eagerly leans into your push and laps up everything you give him.

He crawls up your body as you start to come back down; eyes wild and dark with an animalistic, predatory hunger. You just stare up at him with hazy eyes as you pant, cunt clenching weakly at the look. He gives you a wide, maniacal grin before those sinful lips crash into yours.

He shoves his tongue in your mouth immediately, swirling it around yours and making you taste yourself on him. You just moan as you try to keep up, both hands fisting in his hair as you buck up against the hard cock pressing against your front.

“Need you now, babe,” he growls as he pulls back and lines himself up, the head of his cock nudging at your slick pussy lips. “Been needing you all _week_.”

And that’s all the warning you get before he pushes himself inside, stretching you around him as his mouth comes back down to crash against yours.

He sets a fast, harsh pace; desperate and needy. Clearly he was even more pent up than _you_ were. You just wrap your legs around his back and hang on for the ride, enjoying the slick, wet friction of his body both inside and out. God, he really is sexy.

He pushes your hips up as he really gets into it, forces you to bend back on yourself a little. The new angle makes his cock hit just _right_ against your g-spot with every frantic, barely-controlled thrust. You keen into his mouth as you buck back hard against him, desperate for some friction against your neglected clit.

As if sensing what you need, Hidan slips one of his hands between your bodies to thumb at it again, groaning into your mouth when it makes your slick walls clench down hard around him. A few harsh rubs of his calloused thumb against it is all it takes to have you coming again.

“Almost there, gorgeous,” he pulls back to pant as you come back down, thumb still rubbing against your quickly over-sensitizing clit. “Can you give me one more? I wanna feel you squeeze me like that as I come in your perfect little pussy.” 

You just sob as you buck back against him, still turned on despite the sensitivity. He grunts as he doubles down, rubbing and pressing and swirling his thumb all while he roughly pounds against your g-spot.

You come a moment before he does; body all but locking up as you tense and throw your head back in a silent, aching cry. Your orgasm triggers his own, his thrusts short and jerky against your ass before stilling completely as he spills himself inside you with a long, drawn-out groan.

You both just bask in the afterglow for a moment, hearts pounding and breaths heavy as you stare into each other’s hazy eyes.

“Well, I’ll give that mouth of yours credit,” you pant with a crooked little smirk when you finally get enough of your breath back to talk. “It’s definitely good for more than just smirking and spitting out shitty innuendoes.”

He just rolls his eyes. “Did you really doubt me, babe?” he huffs with no real bite. “And my innuendo isn’t ‘shitty’! I personally think I’m pretty damn funny.”

“You _would_ ,” you tease with a gentle finger-flick to his forehead. “You’re certainly a cocky little bastard.”

“And for damn good reason!” he purrs, eyes lidding again as he leans down to better look into your own. “I’m a badass, babe. Both on the battle-field and in the sack.”

You laugh, loud and genuine and bereft of any malice.

“Well, I can _definitely_ testify for the latter,” you purr right back with a gentle kiss to the tip of his nose. He did do a _very_ good job of getting you off so you’ll indulge him and stroke his ego a bit. His already flushed face darkens further, clearly pleased by your little show.

…But then he puffs right back up, familiar smug expression overtaking his handsome face. “Damn right you can, babe!” he crows with his own strange form of feral delight. It’s weirdly endearing.

Once you’re both all cleaned up you settle back into bed, patting the space next to you in invitation after setting your alarm. Hidan climbs on beside you eagerly, clearly ready for some cuddly after-care.

“Before I get all snuggly I need you to promise me something,” you say firmly, pressing a palm against his chest before he can wrap you up in his arms. “You can still bicker and banter with the others but I want you to stop calling them overly-mean names. No more calling Tobi ‘freak’ or Deidara ‘shitty fucking loser’; _especially_ not when they’re just minding their own damn business. Can you promise me you’ll at least _try_ and do that?”

He blinks at you in surprise, brows riding up his forehead. You just keep looking at him firmly, uncompromising.

…But then he snorts, arms crossing and looking pouty.

“But Tobi _is_ a freak and Bitchface _is_ a shitty fucking loser!” he spits as he narrows his eyes. “I’m just speaking the goddamn truth!”

“No, Hidan,” you chastise lowly, narrowing your own eyes right back. “You’re not. You’re just being an asshole. Do _you_ like it when people call you names in a deliberate effort to hurt your feelings or piss you off?”

“…No.”

“ _Exactly._ So then why do you do it to others, Hidan?” It’s a genuine question, one meant to get him thinking.

He just shrugs and looks away, sheepish. “Dunno. …Habit, I guess?”

“Well, it’s one you need to break,” you say firmly. “Can you promise me you’ll try to?”

He’s quiet for a long moment, expression surprisingly serious as he thinks.

Finally, after a long, slightly tense minute, he sighs.

“I guess it couldn’t hurt to _try_ ,” he concedes with a defeated look. But then he glances back up at you with a smirk. “Especially if the reward is getting those pretty little hands on me.”

You just roll your eyes as you pull back and slide under the covers, motioning for him to do the same. He does so with a grin, snuggling up to you as soon as you turn out the lamp light. You sigh as you snuggle him right back; one arm wrapping around his torso as the other moves it’s hand to tangle in his hair and scratch at his scalp. He sighs as he melts against you, body loose and easy. You soften, both inside and out.

“Goodnight, Hidan,” you hum with a gentle kiss to his forehead.

“Night, babe,” he replies as he snuggles you closer.

These men really will be the death of you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big shout out and thank you to our very own ToMakeMeTame here on AO3 for helping me fine-tune this chapter! I very much look forward to working with you more in the future, babe! Also, for those who didn't see the update in the last chapter, there is now some gorgeous fanart by @JuicyBones568 posted over in the side fic! I also posted Kisame's "practice" scene there for all you babes thirsty for the fishman. ;) 
> 
> As always thank you for reading! Stay safe and sane out there, my lovelies!


	13. Picture Perfect

You’re cleaning the kitchen after breakfast the next morning when the next pair returns.

You’ve got the radio going just loud enough that you don’t even hear the front door open, too focused on scrubbing the counters and humming along to notice the quiet presence stalking up behind you.

\--Until you suddenly feel arms wrap around your waist, that is.

“Guess who, hm,” a familiar voice teases in your ear. You roll your eyes and smirk.

“Goodness, Sasori, you’re feeling awfully playful today!” you tease right back, just to mess with him a little. “And here I thought you didn’t want to touch me…”

Deidara snorts, the warm breath making you shiver. “My man Sasori may not be into it but it’s all I’ve been thinking about…” he purrs as he rests his chin on your shoulder. “Especially after reading those naughty books of yours, yeah.”

You hum as you rest your hands on the arms still wrapped around your waist, patting them in a silent ask to let you go. After a gentle squeeze he concedes. “You don’t want breakfast first? I’m sure you’re ready for some real food after eating nothing but those pills for the last two weeks,” you offer as you turn around to face him.

He sighs and rolls his eye, playing at exasperation even as a smirk tugs at his lips. “I _suppose_ I could wait a bit longer...”

“Good,” you huff lightly, reaching out to gently dust off the front of his cloak. Luckily you haven’t gotten around to sweeping the floor yet. “Because you need a shower, too, mister. You brought back more of the road with you than you left!”

His smirk just widens as he leans in closer to your face. “And you really _are_ a housewife, yeah. It’s cute.”

You cross your arms and puff your cheeks at him, indignant. “And _you’re_ starting to push it, Dei. Now go get cleaned up. I’ll have your food ready when you’re finished. Pancakes sound good?” That’s what you made for the other two earlier, so it’d only be fair.

“That sounds great, yeah!” he replies, genuinely excited now. You can’t help but smile as you watch him disappear out into the hall, no doubt off to get scrubbed up. For all his pomp and pride and fiery passion he really is a cutie.

You wonder about his partner as you once again go to pull out the griddle and pancake stuff. Sasori must have shuffled off to his own room already, probably socially exhausted from being with Deidara so long. He doesn’t seem the type to tolerate most people unless he has too. He does still hide in his room most of the time when he’s here, after all.

Sure enough, not fifteen minutes later Deidara strolls back in as you’re plating the last of his pancakes, still damp from his shower. He eagerly takes the plate and glass of milk you offer him before plopping down in his usual chair, you sliding in across from him with a mug of green tea. Much like Hidan did you’re betting he has a few stories he’s willing to share from his latest mission.

He does.

His and Sasori’s mission was fairly simple, though. A mining village needed his explosives to help carve out a few new mines. Though Deidara had enjoyed showing off his art, he didn’t enjoy how ungrateful the miners seemed when witnessing it.

“Uncultured, the whole lot of them,” he grumbles as he finishes off the last of his breakfast. “Not a single ‘ooo’ or ‘ahhh’ or wide-eyed look of wonderment. It’s like they didn’t even have the capacity to appreciate the gift I was giving them.”

You hum as you finish off your tea, thinking. “They were probably just too tired to, Dei,” you reason as you set your mug back down. “After all they are _miners_. That’s super physical, tiring work. They were most likely preoccupied with thinking about all the work they were going to have to do after.”

Deidara just huffs as he rests his cheek against his propped fist, looking pouty. “They could have at least _pretended,_ yeah.”

“Did they at least say ‘thank you’?”

“…Yeah. They did.”

“Well there you go,” you say as you gather his plate to put in the sink. “They appreciated your work, Dei. They just didn’t show it in an overly obvious way.”

“…I guess,” he concedes with a close-eyed sigh. “Still, it’d be nice to have a little more obvious recognition, hm.”

“Well, I’ll ‘ooo’ and ‘ahhh’ all over your art later, if you want,” you tease as you stroll back over to stand behind him, resting your hands on his shoulders. “I’ll just have to find some ear-protection, first.”

Deidara turns his head to smirk at you, opening his mouth to respond--

“Oi!” Hidan suddenly shouts from the doorway as he strolls in with a wide, toothy grin. “Welcome back, bitchf--” You cut him off with a sharp warning glare. He visibly falters before he backtracks. “--Deidara. It was getting a little too fucking quiet around here without your loud ass running around.”

Deidara whips his head to the other side, eyes going wide as he stares at Hidan. Then he slowly turns back around to look at you, no doubt putting the pieces together.

…And then he smirks, no doubt getting ready to start shit.

“Our new little housewife’s already got you all whipped, hm?” he taunts as he turns that shitty little smirk on Hidan. “I figured you’d--”

You cut him off with a sharp squeeze to his shoulders.

“ _Don’t_ ,” you hiss as you lean down to talk right into his ear, “you _dare_ undo all of my work, Dei,” you growl, low and warning. “And stop calling me ‘housewife’.” You hate the stigma attached to that word, the way it brushes off and devalues what most consider ‘women’s work’. It’s damn hard work; just as valid as anything else. If it was so easy they wouldn’t have been so glad to have you here to cook and clean for them.

“Sorry,” he mumbles quietly with a wince. You’re honestly surprised he gave in so easy. Grateful, but still surprised. You massage his shoulders a little in appreciation.

“You two can still bicker and banter and tease all you want,” you say gently. “That’s fun and a bonding thing and I get it. All I ask is that you don’t get overly mean about it, okay? It hurts my feelings.”

Deidara’s face scrunches up in confusion. “Why would that hurt _your_ feelings, yeah?” he asks, glancing back at you.

“Because I like you guys and it makes me feel bad when _you_ feel bad,” you explain simply as you let go of him to stroll over and give Hidan a ‘good job’ peck on the nose. He did catch and correct himself, after all.

Hidan’s cheeks dust pink even as one of his signature shitty smirks slides across his lips. “Oh, I know a few ways to make you feel better, babe…” he purrs as he leans down to better look into your eyes. You just roll them as you poke his forehead to gently push him back a little.

“Hey!” Deidara spits as he pushes his chair back to stand, leaning on the table as he glares Hidan down. “It’s _my_ turn to make her feel good, yeah!”

“Like you actually know _how to_ , blondie!” Hidan spits right back. You pinch the bridge of your nose to try and stave off your quickly growing headache. Less than two minutes together in the same room and they’re already back on their bullshit.

“Guys!” you cut in, ready to stop this nonsense sooner rather than later. “It’s Deidara’s turn. You had yours last night, Hidan. And you can have another one later today if you want it.” You’d offer up another threesome but you’re sure Deidara wants you alone this time. He needs to practice, after all. Can’t risk Hidan slipping back into his shitty little remarks.

Hidan whips his head back in your direction, smirking as your words register. “Oh, I’ll _definitely_ want another turn later, babe,” he purrs with a wink. “I’ll never turn down a chance to have those pretty little hands all over me.”

If they keep this up you may just break your single-day eye-roll record. They sure do get a good workout around here.

“Well, you’ll just have to wait a bit, handsome,” you hum as you grab Deidara’s hand and start tugging him towards your bedroom. He smirks as he eagerly follows; shooting Hidan a smug look you don’t catch as you pass him by. Hidan just rolls his eyes as he heads outside to polish and sharpen his scythe.

Deidara’s on you as soon as the door is locked; tugging eagerly at your clothes. You laugh as you let him tug your shirt over your head, still grinning as he goes for your pants next. When you’re both naked he latches on, dragging you against him for a frantic, open-mouth kiss.

“HM,” you hum against him as you gently push at his chest. He pulls back immediately, blue eyes dark and lidded, waiting.

“First lesson,” you say with a teasing smirk. “Slow _way_ the fuck down. I enjoy and appreciate your enthusiasm, Dei, but you need to get a handle on the basics first, okay?” He just nods, still listening. “Good. Now follow my lead.”

You press your lips against his, light and easy. He presses back just as easy, following your movements. You make sure to watch your nose and teeth as you work, hoping he’ll pick up on it. You let out a pleased hum when he does, deciding to kick it up a notch.

You dart your tongue out to play, letting it swipe gently over his lips in an ask for permission. He tastes like the pancake syrup he ate earlier, sugary sweet. He grins against your mouth before he eagerly complies, letting you dip your tongue in to taste him further.

He moans as you drag it against his, tongue vibrating against yours. His hands slide down to squeeze your hips and drag you further into him, your own wrapping around his neck. You’d bury your fingers in his hair but it’s still wet from his shower and you’re not particularly into the feel of strands coming loose and tangling around them.

As soon as you show him the basics you coax his tongue into your mouth instead, giggling against him when it darts in immediately. He mimics everything you did to him; gently swirling and lapping it around your own. Heat builds and pools between your legs, making you rub your thighs together. Yes, this is definitely much better, now.

“Can I touch you now?” he pants as when he pulls off you. “Please?”

You hum lowly, lids dropping into heavy bedroom eyes as you look into his own; dark and hazy with lust. It sends a jolt straight to your clit.

“Of course you can, pretty boy,” you coo as you start to walk him back towards your bed. You’ve gotten a lot bolder about this now, more confident. “I’d _love_ for you to touch me.”

He _moans_ as you bump into the edge of it, falling back as you pull him with you, force him to lean down. You let go just long enough to scoot further back onto the mattress, breath hitching in your chest at the hungry look on his face as he crawls on after you. It’s not nearly as dark or feral as Hidan’s is but it’s beautifully, erotically _wanting_ all the same.

He gently pushes you to lie back and you let him, cunt clenching at the way his dark eyes rove slowly over your flushed body.

“You really are a work of art, yeah,” he breaths as he smoothes his hands down your sides and over your hips before coming to rest on your thighs. “Such a beautiful canvas for me to work on.”

You moan at his words, reaching out to run your own hands down the smooth expanse of his chest. His skin is surprisingly soft under your palms, the muscle lying just under it lean but firm. He really is gorgeous.

“You’re _very_ easy on the eyes, too, my pretty boy,” you coo. Judging by how he reacted to it earlier you’re betting he has a bit of a praise kink. Your feeling is confirmed when you’re rewarded with a hitch of his breath followed by a low groan and a darkening of his eyes. Yep. Boy likes to be praised. Can’t say you’re surprised.

“Can I touch your breasts?” he breathes, glancing down at them.

“Do you promise not to bite me this time?” you ask lowly.

“I promise, hm,” he answers as he looks back up at you. His face flushes further as he continues, turning an adorable shade of red. “I’ve been, uh, _practicing_ on myself while I was away. Those books of yours got me all worked up.”

“Practicing, you say?” you purr as your gaze roves down his body to rest on his prominent hard-on, his beautiful cock twitching as he watches you. “I may have to have you show me that later, my pretty boy. I’d _love_ to see you come undone under your own hands. Especially if you use those wicked little mouths of yours while you work.”

He moans as he leans down for another hungry kiss, cock twitching against your stomach as he presses against you. When he pulls back his hands immediately move to gently grab at your breasts, kneading them for a moment and enjoying the full softness of them. You groan as you wrap your arms around his narrow shoulders, eager for him to focus those lovely hands of his elsewhere.

“I read that nipples are extra sensitive for women,” he murmurs with a smirk, clearly pleased with your reaction. “I want to see if that’s true.”

And then he promptly pinches them both between his deft fingers, adding just the right amount of sting.

You gasp as you arch up into him, cunt clenching as a fresh wave of _want_ slicks up your thighs. You’d rub them together if Deidara wasn’t currently between them, eager for some friction. His smirk just widens as he gently begins to tug, twisting your nipples as he does so. As soon as they’re both stiff and aching he brings his mouths into the equation, making you whine as his rough, wet little tongues rub over your sensitive flesh.

“I’d say it’s about time you put those mouths to work somewhere _else_ , pretty boy,” you huff before he can start to get too smug. The ache between your legs is starting to drive you crazy.

“Oh?” he purrs, eyes trailing down your body to rest on your glistening slit. “You mean like _here_?”

You yelp at the sudden sensation of something slick and hot running up your ass crack, jolting when it comes to a stop at your back door. The gentle poking and prodding of his hand-tongue makes you gasp and wriggle.

“You cheeky little _shit_ ,” you hiss with an involuntary buck of your hips. He just laughs, open and genuine.

“What happened to ‘pretty boy’? _”_ he hums when he calms down, eyes bright. “I rather like that one, hm.”

“Well you better not use that same mouth on my cunt, _‘pretty boy_ ’,” you huff as you narrow your eyes at him. “I don’t need or want an infection.”

“Don’t worry, yeah,” he says as he moves that hand to rest on your thigh instead. “I won’t. I just wanted to see how you’d react to that.”

Before you can say anything more his other hand-mouth is on you, licking a hot, wet stripe up your pussy before settling at the top to poke at your swollen clit. You gasp and buck up into him, head falling back as you finally get some contact where you need it most. He just smirks as he grinds his palm into you, rubbing that sinful little tongue deliciously against your slick flesh.

“So beautiful, hm,” he purrs, his own face flushing as he watches you. “So expressive. Such a perfect little masterpiece.”

You _whine_ as you buck up into him, another need making itself all too clear as your empty cunt clenches around nothing.

“Please add your fingers, Dei,” you moan with another buck into that wonderful, swirling tongue. “Slip them in and curl them up like this,” you beg as you mimic a ‘come-hither’ motion. He smirks as he does so, easily slipping two fingers from his other hand into your slick heat before curling them just like you showed him. He gently curls and un-curls them as he moves them around, looking for something. He finds it quickly, tips catching on a soft, spongy little spot that makes your hips buck _hard_ and your mouth drop open. His smirk grows into a grin as he focuses on that spot, hand-tongue still licking and swirling and lapping at your aching clit.

You’re so turned on it doesn’t take long. You wail as you come, throwing your head back as your fingers grip his shoulders hard enough to leave shallow red crescents in his skin. He just leans in for a better view of your face, eyes dark and lidded as he watches you come completely undone.

“Perfect,” he breathes as you come back down, gaze hazy and breaths panting as you stare back into his pretty, beautifully flushed face and darkened blue eyes. Your cunt clenches at the satisfaction you see there, the pleased, almost smug pride.

“Cock. In me. Now,” you pant out, wrapping your legs around his hips and lower back to pull him closer.

“Yes, ma’am,” he purrs as he easily concedes. You feel the head of it prod at your entrance a moment later, cunt clenching again in anticipation.

“Easy, now,” you warn lowly as he starts to press inside. “No jack hammering me like you’re wont to do, okay? Get a good rhythm going first; a good angle. _Then_ you can go faster.”

“Got it,” he grunts as he finishes sliding inside. He pauses when his hips are flush against yours, cock fully sheathed in your tight, wet heat. “So _good_ , yeah. You feel so amazing.”

“You’re doing such a good job, Dei,” you moan back as you buck up against him a little. “You feel so good, too.”

He groans as he starts to thrust, setting a slow, steady pace. It picks up after a couple of minutes as he gets a rhythm going, starts to gain some confidence. Soon enough he’s going strong, hips smacking beautifully against your ass as he works his way into a quick, easy pace.

“Put a pillow under my hips, please, Dei,” you pant as you lift them for emphasis. He grunts as he does so, reaching over to grab the closest one before shoving it under your ass. You gasp as the new angle makes his cock catch just right on your g-spot, hips bucking back against him and smearing more of your slick across his abs. It feels so _good_ , almost perfect. You just need-

As if reading your mind Deidara’s hand-mouth is back on your clit; licking and swirling and sucking. You never would have dreamed you’d be able to have the best of both worlds like this, have a hot, wet tongue working your pussy while a beautiful cock pounds into your slick cunt. The overwhelming sensation combined with the sheer naughtiness of it all has you coming _hard_ within a mere two minutes.

Deidara chokes as you come crashing down around him, hips stuttering before stopping completely as you tense and clench and shudder around him with a long, loud wail. He somehow retains enough coherence to keep his tongue working you through it, rubbing lightly against your clit as you ride it out. He leans over you with a groan as he shudders through his own, eagerly giving in to your wall’s spasming demands for his own release. When you come back to yourselves you’re both panting, staring into each-other’s lust-drunk eyes.

A loud knocking at your door quickly jolts you both out of it.

“Are you brats finished in there?” Sasori asks stiffly from the other side. “Because I have an errand I need _______ for.”

You turn to look back at Deidara in wide-eyed shock. Sasori? Needing _you_ for, well, _anything?_ Enough to crawl out of his room to _ask_ for it? Are you dreaming?

Deidara just rolls his eyes as he pulls out and slides off the bed to get cleaned up. “He found a broken camera during our mission, hm. He probably wants you to run into town to buy some parts for it or something.”

“I see…” you hum as you take the wipe he hands you and start cleaning yourself up. “Just a moment, Sasori!” you call to the door. “I’ll be right there!”

“Hurry it up,” Sasori growls. “I hate being kept waiting.” You just roll your eyes as you toss your wipe in the trash and move to get dressed. Why are all of these guys such impatient drama queens?

Not two minutes later you step back out into the hall, Deidara following behind you. Sasori is waiting for you there, leaning back against the opposite wall with his arms crossed and his pretty eyes narrowed.

“ _Finally_ ,” he huffs as he pushes off to stand up straight. You just roll your eyes again.

“Because two minutes is just _so_ long,” you tease as you stroll to a stop in front of him and prop your hands on your hips. “I know you _thoroughly_ enjoy my presence, Sassy, but even _I_ didn’t realize you’d miss me quite so much.” You can’t help but poke at him a bit. Prickly as he is you just love his snarky comebacks. He’s such a funny little grump. Deidara snickers.

“If I’m missing anything right now it’s the peace and quiet of my room,” he growls, eyes narrowing at you further. “And _don’t_ call me ‘Sassy’.”

“But it fits you so well!” you joke-purr, resisting the urge to reach out and poke his cute little nose. You don’t want to lose a finger. Or a hand. Or your life. “You’re just so sassy!”

“If you want to keep your tongue I suggest you stop using it to annoy me,” he warns lowly. You bite back a Hidan-esque comeback to _that_ prime opportunity. As tempting as it is, you refuse to stoop to that level. “I need you to run into town to pick up a technical book on cameras and some film supplies for me. I found one and I want to fix it up.”

“I see,” you hum, bright-eyed despite his low-key threats. He hasn’t given you any real reason to fear them. “And are you going to be taking me there yourself?”

“I’ll take you, yeah!” Deidara pipes up enthusiastically, waving a hand above his head like an over-eager student. “I’ve been meaning to really show off my art!”

“Just be sure to get everything back here in one piece,” Sasori growls at him as he digs into one of his cloak pockets. He pulls out his wallet a moment later and hands you some money from it. “I’d hate for you to waste my time and resources, brat.”

“So what do you need me to get you, exactly?” you ask as you take it from him and tuck it into your own pocket.

“A technical book on the base mechanics, some film, and everything needed for its development,” he explains simply. “I’ll need the latter items to test it afterwards. Make sure it works.”

“You got it, Sassy!” you say with a cheeky wink. Your hands shoot up in a placating gesture when he gives you a withering glare. “Sorry! It’s just such a cute, fitting nickname. I couldn’t help myself.”

Sasori snorts as he turns and starts heading back towards his room. “Well, you need to learn how. …Unless you actually _want_ to end up stabbed.”

You just roll your eyes as you let Deidara grab your hand and start tugging you towards the front of the compound. That man is such a classic tsundere.

As soon as you’re outside Deidara lets you go. You watch as he eagerly digs some clay out of his hip pouch, taking a moment to shape it into a tiny bird before tossing it towards the ground in front of him. He makes a hand seal and ‘ _poof_!’ The bird is as big as you are, now.

You squeal as you rush over to it. This one’s in the shape of an owl with plenty of little ruffles and grooves that serve as its ‘feathers’ for you to really dig your fingers into. You sigh as you run your hands over it, loving the feel of it under your touch. Deidara visibly puffs up with pride in your peripherals.

“As pleased as I am by your obvious appreciation of my work we really should get going, hm,” he hums as he strolls over and holds out a hand to help you up. “My man Sasori really does hate to be kept waiting.”

You glance at his hand, then the bird, then his hand again as you mentally put the pieces together.

“…Wait, you want me to get _on_ the bird?!” you spit as you flinch back from it. “As in we’re going to ride it into town?!”

“…Yeah?” Deidara replies, brows furrowing in confusion. “I told you I was going to show off my art. Besides, this will be much faster and easier than running.”

“So these things really can _actually fly?_ ” you can’t help but press. You know shinobi are capable of some incredible things but this bird of his honestly looks far too heavy to stay airborne for long.

“Of course it can!” he huffs as he crosses his arms. “You saw my butterfly, didn’t you? Why would you suddenly doubt _this_ , yeah?”

“Sorry, Dei,” you immediately soothe. You really didn’t mean to come off as rude. “It’s just…I’m still so surprised by the incredible things that you shinobi are capable of.”

That placates him, his shoulders visibly losing their tenseness.

“Well, hop on and I’ll surprise you even more, yeah,” he bounces back with a smirk.

You hesitate, glancing back at his owl with a wary look. Just the _thought_ of being so high off the ground scares the shit out of you. What if you fall off? What if it’s really windy up there and you lose your balance? You’d much rather stay here; firmly on the ground and run into town the old-fashioned way.

“…Let me tell you a story, Dei,” you start, turning that serious look on him. His eyebrows perk up, intrigued despite himself. “Once when I was back in grade school there was this one kid who was _really_ good at climbing trees. It was his favorite thing to do at recess. He made it look so fun and so easy that another kid decided to try it for herself one day, just to see if it really was as freeing as it looked. She climbed up about twenty feet and got stuck, too afraid to come back down. The teachers had to call the fire department to rescue her.”

His brows furrow then. “What does that have to do with - ?” It hits him suddenly, eyes going a little wide. “You were that girl, weren’t you?”

“I pissed my pants, Dei,” you blurt before you can think better of it. “The other kids never let me live it down. If I had that reaction at only twenty feet off the ground I can’t image how I’d react to, like, a hundred times that height.” Honestly, you’d probably just spontaneously combust.

“…So did you piss your pants like a little, or…?”

“I absolutely soaked them. Had to change into clean ones from the lost and found. They were three sizes too big and I had to keep them up with a jump-rope because no one had a belt that small. The other kids called me ‘Peepants the Clown’ for the rest of the school year.”

He stares at you in wide-eyed shock for several painfully long moments.

\-- And then he promptly busts a gut laughing.

“Oh my _god_!” he wheezes as he grabs at his stomach and bends over double. “ _Peepants the Clown?!_ That’s _hilarious_ , yeah!”

You bristle like an angry cat, eyes narrowing into dangerous dagger slits as your lips thin into a hard, flat line.

“I swear if you _ever_ call me that or tell _anyone else_ I will _never_ willingly touch you ever again.” Your tone is ice cold, not a single hint of teasing to be found. You very much mean it.

He shuts up immediately, eyes going wide at your threat as he takes in your hard, stony look.

“…Sorry, yeah,” he murmurs as he scratches at the back of his head. “I didn’t mean to laugh.”

You soften. “It’s okay. It…it is objectively funny. I just don’t want you using it to tease or harass me.”

“I won’t,” he replies, surprisingly earnest. “I promise.”

After a bit of gentle coaxing and many, many promises to not let you fall off, you reluctantly let him help you onto the back of his bird. You settle in stiffly, immediately latching onto his waist as soon as he’s seated in front of you, wrapping your arms as tight around him as you dare.

“I’ve got you, un,” he soothes as the owl’s wings start to beat. “Don’t worry.”

And then you’re airborne.

Cool wind whipping at your face, a hard lurch in your stomach and suddenly the trees are a carpet of green below you. You squeak and cling to him like a vice, burying your face in the back of his shirt in a desperate attempt to convince your brain that you’re currently _not_ a hairsbreadth away from plunging to your death. Your ears are ringing, your limbs shaking as your built-up adrenaline tries to find somewhere to go.

“Hey,” you hear through the haze. You feel hands on your forearms, strong and soothing. “You’re okay. I won’t let you fall.”

You relax only marginally. “Sorry, Dei,” you manage to grit out, eyes still squeezed shut tight. “I trust you, it’s just…it’s just scary, is all.”

He hums, low and vibrating against your front. “Yeah, I get it. Most _shinobi_ wouldn’t be comfortable with this. It’s only understandable that you aren’t, either, hm.”

You just grunt and snuggle further into him. Hopefully this will all be over soon.

“…Have I ever told you about the Crystal Caves of Iwa?” he asks out of the blue a few minutes later.

“…No,” you reply quietly. You peek an eye out to look at him, intrigued despite yourself.

“Oh, they’re _beautiful_ , yeah. A natural work of art,” he continues, glancing back at you over his shoulder with a wide, toothy smile. “Each cave shines a different color based on the minerals there. A few even have enough deposits towards the mouth of it to shine in the sun. When it hits them just right in the morning and then again in the evening the whole Crystal Valley lights up in a wash of rainbow.”

“That sounds _amazing_ ,” you breathe, eyes going wide in awe as you imagine it. You’ve never seen such a thing before, never would have considered such a wonder until now.

“They are, hm,” he agrees with a cheeky little wink. “There’s one with a blue topaz so bright it glitters like the ocean in the sun. Another has green emeralds so deep it puts a Konoha spring to shame. But my personal favorite is probably the ruby cave. When a summer morning light hits it just right it blazes like the fire from one of my explosions; bright and vibrant and impossible to ignore.”

He describes each cave in such gorgeous, breathtaking detail that you can’t help but become entranced; completely forgetting that you’re currently flying on the back of a giant bird-shaped death trap. Purples so deep they practically glow black, yellows so bright they rival the sun, oranges so rich and vivid they burn like a bonfire. Before you know it you’re touching down a ways outside town, the trip over all too soon.

“I wish I could see them,” you sigh as he helps you slide off. “They sound so gorgeous. I’m sure they’d put my imagination to shame.”

“Maybe I could take you someday, yeah,” he says as he makes a hand seal to poof his owl down to a much more portable size. “When things calm down a little more.”

“That would be _wonderful_ , Dei,” you hum as you lean in to give him a ‘thank you’ kiss on the cheek. You grin when he flushes. He’s just too cute. “I would _gladly_ climb onto one of your birds if it meant I got to see something like that.”

“And here I was hoping just the knowledge of getting to hold onto _me_ would be enough, hm…” he teases with a smirk. You just roll your eyes as you give him a playful hip-bump.

“Well, I _will_ admit that that _is_ a nice little perk, pretty boy,” you tease as you turn to start heading into town. Best not keep Sassy waiting. “I’ll be back in about an hour. Try not to get into _too_ much trouble while I’m gone.”

His smirk just widens. “No promises, yeah.”

You head to your new favorite bookshop and grab the technical book, first. You grab a small book on film development, too. After all, you can’t exactly make full use of a camera if you don’t know how to develop the photos. Afterwards you head to the only store in town that specializes in tech to pick up the film itself and the developing supplies. Apparently you’re going to need a dark room for that part. You wonder if Sasori is going to bother setting one up in his room. Honestly, you can’t really picture him using it much after the first time. After all, you need to crawl out of said room more than once in a blue moon to take pictures.

Deidara distracts you all the way back; regaling you with grand tales of his days in the Explosion Corps. Apparently they were mostly used as a demolition group to be hired out to construction contractors but it’s still interesting all the same. Deidara’s animated retellings are more than enough to keep you entertained.

Less than two hours after you left you’re touching back down outside of base. Deidara’s birds really are much faster than even ninja running.

“Sasori?” you start, knocking on the grumpy redhead’s door. “I’m back with those supplies you wanted.”

The door cracks open a moment later, Sasori’s usual passive expression greeting you. “It’s about time. I was beginning to think you lovesick brats had run off on us.”

You roll your eyes even as a smirk tugs at your lips. “Jealousy is a bad look on you, Sassy. Besides, you should know better. I’m not about to leave my best tinker buddy high and dry,” you tease as you hand over his bags. He takes them with narrowed eyes.

“Working on one radio together doesn’t make us anything, much less ‘tinker buddies,’” he says sharply like the adorable little tsundere he is. It’s so cute. You know, once you look past all the poison and pointy bits and threats of bodily harm. “Your assumptions boarder on arrogance and your hubris is completely undeserved.” Such an adorable little human cactus…

“Ah, but you said ‘watch yourself _next time_ ,’ remember?” you remind him with a sly smile. “Which means you enjoyed my company enough to want to do it again. So, are we working in the kitchen again or are you going to invite me into your room this time?”

“I’m not going to invite you anywhere,” he growls with dagger-slit eyes. “Now if you’ll excuse me I have a camera to fix.”

And with that he slams the door in your face.

Okay, so that actually stung a bit. But much like a tootsie pop you must work through the tough outer layer to get to a tsundere’s soft, gooey center.

“Aww, come on, Sasori!” you whine as you knock on his door again. “I was only teasing you! Please let me help! I’m really, _really_ curious!” About both him and the camera, honestly.

Nothing. Not even shuffling. You sigh.

“Pretty please?” you low-key beg. “I promise I’ll be quiet while we work. Unless I have to ask a technical question or something.”

Finally, after a long, quiet moment, his door cracks open again.

“If you promise to keep your mouth shut I’ll let you hold the flashlight while I work,” he offers flatly. “I’ll need both of my hands for this.”

You immediately light up in a bright, genuine grin. “You got it, Sassy!” He gives you another glare at the nickname but otherwise doesn’t say anything else about it. Small victories.

You, in turn, don’t breathe a word about the fact that he has an overhead light above his desk.

You both work in silence for the most part this time, you just watching him take everything apart and fix it up. You occasionally ask a technical question whenever the quiet gets to be a bit much. You wonder how on earth he can personally stand so much silence and eventually offer up the use of the radio to listen too whenever he works but he just brushes the suggestion off.

“Unlike you I’m not bothered by the quiet,” he explains evenly. “In fact I find it soothing.”

Clearly he doesn’t find it _that_ soothing since he let you work with him. You smartly refrain from pointing that out, though. You’ll just keep this particular knowledge a self-indulgent secret.

Once everything’s fixed and put back together he pops in some film and a small chem battery, ready to test it out. He holds it up towards his desk, lens aimed at the tools still strewn across it. Your brows furrow in confusion.

“What are you doing?” you can’t help but ask.

“Clearly I’m taking a picture,” he replies flatly as he pins you with a matching look. “That _is_ what cameras are for, remember?” You roll your eyes.

“I know _that_ ,” you sass back. “I’m just wondering why the hell you’re taking a picture of your _tools_.”

“What _else_ would I take a picture of?” he asks boredly. “I’m just taking one to test the results of my work.”

“Come on, Sassy,” you try to reason. “Don’t waste your first picture on something so boring! Besides, cameras were made to take pictures of _people_. To capture moments between friends and family. Why don’t you take one with me instead?”

“And why would I do _that_?” he shoots back with his usual lidded look. “Once again I find your hubris near-astounding.” You just roll your eyes again. So prickly.

“If you’re just taking a test picture like you say then it really shouldn’t matter that much to you what’s in it,” you point out dryly. “Besides, this way you can knock out two birds with one stone by testing the timer feature, too.” Best to try and tempt him with practicality. And obviously you want him in the picture, too, of course. It’s far more fun that way.

“I suppose it _would_ be more practical that way…” he murmurs, glancing back down at the camera in his hands as he thinks it over. “…Fine. But don’t touch me while we do this.”

“Scout’s honor!” you promise with a mock salute and a wide, toothy grin. _Victory!_

He sets the camera on his desk facing outwards towards the room. You sidle up beside him as close as you dare, just barely outside of brushing distance. Once you’re both settled he reaches over to set the timer, the camera bulb flashing over you both a few moments later. If you managed to sneak in some cute ‘bunny ears’ behind your resident human cactus before it went off, well, who’s to say?

“Thank you, Sasori,” you say sincerely as he moves to gather everything up. “I really enjoyed working with you.”

“I suppose you’re not _quite_ as useless as I’d first thought,” he shoots back with a smirk as he starts putting things away. You just roll your eyes and grin again.

“Just because _you_ don’t need to eat doesn’t mean the rest of us don’t,” you tease as you watch him. “The other guys find me quite handy to have around, I assure you.” Kakuzu may be a huge, murderous asshole but even _he_ likes your food. The empty plates are a testament to that.

“Well you _have_ done a remarkable job of keeping that cocky, loudmouth brat out of my hair when we’re here so I suppose I should give you some credit for that,” he hums as he finishes up. “Though the constant chemistry related questions he pestered me with on our mission were obviously _your_ doing.”

“Like you don’t relish every opportunity to show off your knowledge,” you shoot back airily as you prop your hands on your hips, looking almost smug. “And you better be careful there, Sassy. Such high praise is _bound_ to go to my head.”

He snorts. “If you consider _that_ ‘high praise’ then I honestly feel sorry for you.” You just roll your eyes.

“…Can I develop the film?” you ask as he gathers up the camera, slapping your palms together in begging praying hands. “I promise I’ll be careful with it and that I’ll bring it back once I’m done! Please?” You _really_ want to see how that picture came out. …And maybe make a copy for yourself. “I bought a book on it and everything! I was thinking I could use my closet as a make shift dark room.”

“I suppose I _could_ let you...” he sighs as he takes in your begging hands and pleading eyes. “As thanks for running my errand for me, of course.”

You grin. “Of course!” you agree as you gently but eagerly take the camera and the bag of film supplies from his outstretched hands. “I promise I’ll bring everything back as soon as I’m through.”

“See that you do,” he says as he heads over the door and opens it for you. “I hate being kept waiting.”

You just grin and give him a parting wave as you scurry off to your room.

You have a picture to develop.

*

After reading through the book on film development twice you set to work.

It’s a bit of a tricky, delicate process but you make it work. Your closet is just big enough to make the perfect dark room. A few hours later you have two copies of the picture you and Sasori took; one for yourself and the other for him. You prop yours against the wall on your desk for now. You’ll get a frame for it the next time you’re in town.

It’s honestly super cute. Though you yourself are grinning in it his face is schooled into its usual passive indifference. The ‘bunny ears’ you gave him add a nice little humanizing touch, though. You hope he won’t be too irritated by it when he sees.

“Rabbit ears?” he asks flatly after you hand everything back over to him. He’s staring down at the picture on top with his usual bored, lidded look. “Really?”

“I just couldn’t help myself,” you tease. “You’re just so grumpy I thought it’d be cutely ironic.” He just rolls his eyes.

“Well I suppose there are worse things you could have done,” he says dryly as he glances back up at you. “At least you didn’t touch me this time.” _Such a little tsundere!_

“I’m trying to get better about keeping my hands to myself,” you joke with a wink. “After all I wouldn’t want to end up stabbed.” He snorts as he turns to head back into his room.

“Well, it’s good to know that you’re capable of learning basic survival tactics. You may just make it out of this alive, after all.” And with that last word he closes his door.

You just roll your eyes and grin. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry this one's a little late. Some of these 'building/bridging' chapters are giving me a bit of trouble. I have quite a bit of the big stuff already planned and written it's just a matter of realistically building up to them, ya know? And thank you all for your kind comments and concern! I really appreciate it. :) I really didn't mean to make anyone worry. If something big ever pops up that'll effect this story I'll be sure to let you all know about it. 
> 
> Also a big thank you to my wonderful beta ToMakeMeTame here on AO3! I really appreciate all of your help!
> 
> As always thank you for reading! Stay safe, stay sane, and take care of yourselves, babes.


	14. Juxtaposition

You’re reading on the couch when Kisame and Itachi finally come back one mid-afternoon.

You perk up as soon as you hear the front door open and close, vaulting off it immediately when you see who strolls into the living room.

Kisame’s eyes widen just before you make impact, arms shooting out instinctively to catch you as you all but tackle him into a bear hug that would make Tobi proud. He just laughs as he picks you up under your arms and swings you around before setting you back down, obviously pleased by your small show of affection.

“It’s about damn time the two of you got back!” you huff up at him with a pout, resting your chin against his chest as you squeeze his middle. “I was worried I was about to have to send out a search party.”

Kisame just laughs again as he squeezes you right back before untangling an arm to vigorously ruffle your hair. You stick your tongue out at him as you let him, genuinely pleased that he’s back to give them to you.

“Sorry we made you worry, sweetheart,” he hums with a bright-eyed grin. “The trip just took a little longer than expected.”

“Well I’m glad you’re both back! I missed you guys,” you hum as you pull back and lean around him to look at his here-to silent partner. As usual he’s just watching on with those dark, passive eyes. You give him a cheeky smile as you sidle a little closer.

“Would you like a ‘welcome back’ hug too, Itachi?” you offer brightly. You’re honestly itching to touch him but you don’t want to overstep any boundaries and make him uncomfortable.

“No, thank you,” he says evenly. “I’m sorry but I’m rather tired. I’m just going to retire to my room.” And with that he’s gone, heading down the bedroom hall without even a backwards glance. You frown and look to Kisame.

“Is he alright?” you ask. Clearly he’s not but you still need to know. “Did something happen?”

Kisame winces a little, scratching at the back of his head as he stares after his partner. “We just had a bit of a rough mission, is all. He’s…dealing with some family drama. He’ll come back around, though. Don’t worry.”

“I see,” you hum thoughtfully, brow furrowing as you glance back at the empty hall.

You think you may know something that will make him feel a little better…

Mind made up, you start towards the kitchen.

“You ready for a snack, big guy?” you call over your shoulder as you go. Kisame just grins as he follows you.

“I’m always ready for anything you’re willing to give me, kitten.”

*

A half-hour later you’re knocking gently on Itachi’s door, a small serving tray balanced on your other arm. The others are all in the kitchen already eating theirs. Well, all but Kakuzu, Sasori, Tobi, and Zetsu, of course; the first two for their usual reasons and the latter two because they’re still gone. 

“Itachi?” you start gently. “I brought you some green tea and dango.”

A few moments pass in silence. You start to fidget, worried he might not answer. Maybe he’s taking a nap? You can’t imagine him being rude enough to ignore you completely; no matter how moody he’s feeling.

You relax when you hear the click of a lock, the door cracking open a moment later. He glances at your face before looking down at the serving tray in your hand, brows furrowed slightly.

“You made me dango?” he asks softly, as if not quite fully believing it. You just give him an easy, genuine smile.

“Yep! Kisame told me you had a bit of a rough mission so I thought I’d make a little something to help you feel better,” you explain simply. “You do like three color dango, right?” He just continues to stare at the plate, brow still furrowed. You resist the urge to fidget. “Did…did I get it wrong?” you ask meekly, glancing down at the tray yourself. “If you’d like something else instead I don’t mind--”

“No, that won’t be necessary,” he cuts you off gently. “How did you know I like dango?”

You relax a bit, a smile tugging at your lips. “I noticed that you went back for seconds the last time I made them,” you explain, glancing back up at his face. He’s looking at you now, dark eyes strangely intense. It puts butterflies in your tummy. “You never go back for seconds.”

He softens completely then, all remaining tenseness leaving his shoulders as his face relaxes into a small, easy smile. “I see,” he says, taking the tray as you hold it out to him. “I appreciate your attention to such a fine detail on my behalf. Thank you.”

You grin at his formalness, resisting the urge to lean in and give him a kiss on the cheek. For all his suaveness he can still be such a sweet little _dork_. “It’s no problem, Itachi,” you hum with bright eyes. But then you sober a bit, expression turning more serious. “You don’t have to take me up on this offer if you’re not comfortable with it but if you ever want to talk I’ll listen. I…I may not know much about shinobi life but I’m still willing to lend you an ear if you need it.”

The look he gives you is so soft you’re surprised you don’t melt into a puddle of goo right there. Gah, these men are going to be the death of you.

“I appreciate the offer, _________,” he says gently. “I’ll keep it in mind.”

“I’ll, uh, I’ll get out of your hair now,” you say none-too-smoothly as your face starts to heat. “Take care of yourself, Itachi. I can’t have my tea buddy start hiding in his room all the time like my tinker buddy does,” you half-joke with a parting wave as you turn to leave.

Itachi just watches you disappear down the hall, a flicker of warmth he never thought he’d feel again kindling in his chest.

He stomps it down before it can grow any further.

He doesn’t deserve it.

*

Itachi stays in his room the rest of the day.

You leave him be – only knocking on his door once more to take him his dinner. You know all too well what it’s like to want to be alone for a while. Sometimes the world and other people just get to be a bit too much and you need a break.

Still, you can’t help but hurt for him and worry on his behalf. You comfort yourself by dragging an eager Kisame into a reading and cuddle session on the couch. After all, he _has_ been gone for almost three weeks and you missed him greatly. Hidan and Deidara blessedly leave you both alone, content after already having had long ones of their own in the days before.

“…Kisame?” you start, glancing away from the book in your hand to look down at him. He’s stretched out on the couch with his head in your lap and his own book in hand; your fingers buried in his course, fluffy hair as you gently massage his scalp. He’s so tall that his legs still hang over the armrest a bit but he doesn’t complain.

“Hm?” he questions, setting his open book on his chest as he looks up to focus his full attention on you.

“What happened on your mission to make him feel like this?” you can’t help but ask.

Kisame winces again, obviously reluctant to say anything. “I can’t tell you any details, sweetheart. We just ran into one of his family members and it drudged up some old, bitter feelings between them. He’ll come back around after a few days. He always does.”

You frown, wanting to know more but knowing not to push. “I see. Thank you for telling me that much, at least. I can relate a little to family drama.”

“How so?” he asks, book completely forgotten, now. You just shrug.

“My parents and I didn’t exactly see eye to eye, is all,” you murmur as you go back to your book and scratching his head. You’re not quite ready to talk about your problems yet, either. They don’t need to know all that. Honestly, compared to what they do you’re sure it’s pretty damn petty, anyway.

“…You wanna switch spots?” he asks gently, still looking up at you. You glance down at him, eyes widening a little in surprise.

“You don’t have too, Kisame,” you say sincerely. You’re perfectly content to just keep pampering him. Cuddling them all like this is genuinely soothing for you, comforting.

“I want too, sweetheart,” he says with a reassuring grin. “Besides, I need to change positions, anyway. Get my blood flowing before my back starts to knot up from laying like this too long.”

“…Alright,” you concede. You’ve never had a scalp massage before. Judging by how the rest of the guys all melt when you give them one you’re sure they feel nice.

Kisame’s grin just widens as he sits up and scoots over to sit at the other end of the couch, patting his lap in invitation once he gets situated. You can’t help but grin yourself as you scoot over, eagerly propping your head on his muscular thighs as you sprawl out along the rest of it. His fingers immediately tangle in your hair, strong and soothing as they gently start to massage your scalp. You sigh as you all but melt against him. Yep. You can _definitely_ see why all the guys are so eager for these, now.

“You gonna start purring for me there, kitten?” he teases with a snicker.

You just close your eyes as you settle in, giving him a playful smirk as you do. “Keep this up and I definitely will later, handsome.”

He just throws his head back and laughs.

*

Itachi's not quite sure what to do with you.  
  
Oh sure, he knows what he's _technically_ 'supposed' to do but that's beside the point. He's never had anyone but Shisui show such open, genuine concern for his wants and well being before. His mother had tried on occasion but in the end she always yielded to father.  
  
And father always assumed he knew best.  
  
His whole life he's never done anything for himself. Not really. Everything he did was to please others, to follow what he was 'supposed' to do, to bring honor to his clan and family.  
  
Well, that's not entirely true, but the only decision he ever made for himself left him branded a traitor to his village and the member of a terrorist organization with a brother who wants nothing more than his death.  
  
...But that still leaves him here.  
  
It would feel wrong to use you for what you were brought here for. Willing or no it didn't erase the fact that you had chosen to do this out of desperation after being spoon fed manipulative half-truths. You clearly had no idea just what you were getting yourself into.  
  
But as he watches you with the others he can't help but wonder if you actually _like_ it here. Actually enjoy their company. For hired help your relationship with most of the others goes far beyond the scope of your duties. Your easy laughter and quick banter, the gentle, casual touches, the selfless, almost motherly concern for their well beings...  
  
Yours is a softness that's rare to find in people in general, much less in shinobi.  
  
And it's obvious that you enjoy the more...physical...aspect of your job if the flirtatious manner you sometimes approach the others with is anything to go by.

He can't deny that it's all rather appealing.

You’re so warm and he’s been so cold for so long that it’s all too tempting to want to sit at the edge of your beautiful, open fire for a bit. Just close enough to stave off a little of the chill.

He stares at his untouched dinner and dango as he thinks over it all; contemplates.

…Then Sasuke’s hate-twisted face flashes through his mind’s eye; Sharingan blazing and Chidori shrieking like the damned as he glares down the once-loving brother that had ruined his life in order to save it.

Itachi crushes all of those warm, soft feelings immediately.

He doesn’t deserve them.

…But then his gaze catches on the cold mug of tea and he pauses. It would be rude to abandon an established tradition of yours, no matter how seemingly small or insignificant; especially so after how kind you’ve been to him.

Surely even _he_ can find it in himself to allow such a small, warm thing.

Even if only for your sake.

*

After a wash and a soak and a few rousing games of cards with (most of) the usual gang, you all but drag Kisame back to your bedroom. After all, you’ve missed him this way, too.

Your hands are on him as soon as the door is locked; smoothing up his stomach to grab at his broad shoulders as you try to drag him down for a kiss. He just grins as he concedes; bending down to let you get a better taste. You just can’t get enough of his minty saltwater flavor -- almost like peppermint taffy. He chuckles as you hum against his tongue, more than happy to let you do what you want.

You’re panting when you pull back, thighs already rubbing together as your anticipation builds.

“Bed,” you pant, grabbing his arm and dragging him over to it. “Now.”

He grins as he takes off his pants and climbs on, leaving on his underwear for whatever reason. You mentally shrug it off as you strip and crawl on after him, ready to get this party started.

“I missed you so much, big guy,” you hum as you straddle him to smooth your hands up his abs and over his chest again. You let them come to a stop near his nipples, gently rubbing your thumbs against them just to hear his breath hitch. The sound sends a pulse straight to your core, makes your cunt clench. God, your body missed him, too. “My fingers are nowhere _near_ as good as you are.”

“Aww, I’m flattered, sweetheart,” he coos lowly as he gently smoothes is hands up and down the outsides of your thighs. But then he smirks, a dark playfulness overtaking his handsome face. “…But I’m pretty tired. I think I’m just going to hit the sack and make it up to you tomorrow morning, okay?”

The look you give him is positively _murderous_.

“Oh no you don’t, mister!” you spit as you poke at his chest. “You do _not_ get to leave for three weeks and then _not_ fuck me the day you get back! Do you _want_ me to explode?!”

He throws his head back and laughs, body shaking pleasantly beneath you. When he calms down his eyes are bright, mischievous. You just puff your cheeks out and pout at him.

“Well, you haven’t exploded _yet_ so I think you’ll be fine,” he teases as he removes his hands from your thighs and tucks them behind his head instead. “You’ve still got both your hands and all your fingers, too.”

You _whine,_ flopping forward to rest your front against his with the top of your head pressing just under his shoulder. “Kisameeeee! Don’t do this to me!”

“Do what to you, kitten?” he teases. “I’m tired and you just dragged me into a bed. I figured you were ready to go to sleep, too.”

“I get enough shit from the others, Kisame!” you huff as you tilt your head up to pout at him again. His eyes are still bright, still playful. Cheeky bastard. “I don’t need it from you, too!”

“I’m not giving you any such thing, kitten,” he hums as he looks down at you. “I’m just tired, is all. It really was a rough mission.”

“I can feel your cock twitching against my ass, you liar,” you grump as you narrow your eyes at him. Two can play this game, damn it. “So why don’t you stop teasing me and fuck me with it?”

“Oh, that?” he shoots back lightly with a tilt of his head. “That’s just a tense muscle. It’ll go away after I relax and get some sleep.”

“Well there are other, much more _fun_ things we can do to make it ‘go away’, handsome,” you purr as you sit up to gaze down at him with lidded bedroom eyes. Best to try and tempt him into it the old-fashioned way. “I personally think _my_ way would be _much_ better.”

“…I mean if you want to snuggle while we sleep I’m all for it, sweetheart.” You nearly let your face fall flat. Stubborn, infuriating man.

“We can snuggle _after_ , handsome,” you purr as you slip a hand down your front to part your pussy lips for him. You smirk when his breath hitches, eyes immediately drawn to your already glistening slit as his face takes on that sexy, purple-red flush. Yep. You’ll have him in no time. “Right now _I’m_ ready for some fun.”

And then you’re touching yourself, cunt clenching at the way his eyes darken as they watch. You start slow, teasing; keeping your lips spread with your outer fingers as your middle one gently circles your swelling clit. You want him to see _exactly_ what he does to you. His cock twitches against your ass at the sight, making your cunt clench again. God, you can’t wait to have him inside you.

After teasing yourself a bit and letting out a few breathy moans for his pleasure you decide to kick it up a notch; lifting yourself up to slip your other hand behind and beneath you to start fingering yourself. You keep your eyes on him the whole time; lips still spread and finger still working your swollen clit as you easily slip three fingers inside yourself. He actually _moans_ this time, still-clothed cock twitching hard against the back of your hand. You’re honestly surprised he hasn’t given in yet. You’re sure he’s so hard it’s probably uncomfortable. If you weren’t currently touching yourself you know _you_ would be.

You’re so slick, so ready for him, that you can hear it; the slick, lewd noises loud enough to be heard over your groans and pants. You can feel it seep past your pumping fingers and drip onto his underwear, thick and wanting. His eyes darken further as they follow the trail, stare at the growing wet spot it leaves. You just moan as you buck on your fingers, really giving him a show. You’d prefer him to break sooner rather than later.

“I want to come on your cock, Kisame,” you pant, face flushed and eyes lidded and hazy. “Please, please let me.”

He rips his gaze away from the erotic sight before him to look up at you again, a smirk tugging at his lips.

“It seems like you’re doing just fine with your fingers there, kitten,” he hums with his own hazy, lidded look. _How is he not fucking you yet?!_ “Doesn’t look like you really need my help.”

“Kiiisssaameee,” you whine again with another buck of your hips. Your fingers really do feel good but what you _really_ want is his cock. “Pleeeeease.”

“Please what, sweetheart?” he teases with a cheeky little grin. “I’m not keeping you from coming.”

“ _Oh my god you stubborn, stubborn man!_ ” you huff as you pull both your hands back. Time to kick things up a notch. “Guess I’m just going to have to show you what you’re missing.”

You scoot back to press your _thoroughly_ damp pussy on top of his covered, twitching cock. It’s so hot you can feel the heat of it through the fabric, your slick easily soaking through it. Both of you groan as you start to rub against him, grind your slick, hot want into his underwear. The slight roughness of it feels even better than your fingers did. You still very much want his cock, though. You’ll let yourself come this way first; just to give him a taste of what he keeps playfully denying himself.

You lean forward to rest your palms against his broad chest, smirking at the way his arms tense behind his head; obviously restraining himself from reaching out to touch you. You stop teasing yourself, setting a quick, short pace to get yourself off with.

You rub and slide and groan as you ride him; fingers curling against his skin as your own breaks out into a thin sheen of sweat. Everything is just so _hot_ – your skin, his skin, the sexy flush of his handsome face. Your pussy and his cock and the hitching of his breath with every particularly hard buck of your hips. The warm, wonderful drag of damp fabric against your swollen, aching clit.

You come with sharp, choking noise; body going tense as you jerk and spasm and ride it out. Kisame just pulls his attention away from your dripping, squeezing cunt to focus on your face; eyes darkening at the sheer pleasure he sees there, cock twitching under you.

“Well, that was one hell of a show, kitten,” he purrs with a lazy smirk as you come back down. “I’m sure I’m going to have some _really_ nice dreams tonight.”

You just growl in frustration as you scoot further down his body to sit on his thighs, reaching out to yank his underwear down after you. His cock springs free immediately, damp and painfully hard and flushed that beautiful purple-red. You glare up at his face as you slowly reach out to grab it, giving him a chance to say something or stop you. He just watches you with a smirk and dark, hazy eyes.

“If you wanted me to do the work this time all you had to do was _ask_ , Kisame,” you huff as you sit up and scooch forward to once again straddle his hips. You press the thick head of his cock to your soaked pussy lips and look down at him, gauging his reaction. He just grins up at you, hands still resting behind his thick, stubborn head.

“I just wanted to hit the sack early, kitten,” he hums with a wink. “I didn’t realize you’d be quite _this_ needy for pets.”

You just roll your eyes as you finally, _finally_ sink down onto him.

You _moan_ as you fully seat yourself, ass resting against his thick, muscular thighs as his thick, beautiful cock pulses hotly inside you. Yes, this is _exactly_ what you wanted.

He groans as you set a steady, languid pace; hips sliding forwards and backwards so that your still-sensitive clit drags across his stomach with every motion. Combined with the way his cock stretches and rubs against your tight, slick walls it’s a wonder you don’t come again on the spot.

You come twice more before you start to slow down, skin flushed hot with a heavy sheen of sweat as exhaustion starts to tug at you. He’s still fully hard; twitching and pulsing inside you as you finally start to lose your bravado. He just has so much more stamina than you do. Still, you’re determined to make him come so you keep going.

“…You want me to take over?” he asks gently as your pants turn to more ragged exertion than pleasure. “I’m close, sweetheart. I won’t take long.”

“You don’t have too, Kisame,” you pant as you try to pick up the pace. If he’s that close you’re sure you can get him there. “I got this.”

“I _want_ too, sweetheart,” he says as he finally reaches out to grasp your hips. He grabs them and gently holds you still as he sits up, turning so that you’re on your back under him. He smirks, eyes still dark and hazy. “Besides, I need to move anyway. Don’t want my back to cramp up from lying like that too long.”

You let out a breathless laugh as he sweetly takes over, wrapping your legs around his waist and your arms around his shoulders as he starts to thrust into you, deep and heavy and steady. You moan in his ear as he pulls your hips into him, making your clit catch on his skin with every thrust. God, he’s just so good.

As promised it only takes him a couple more minutes to reach his own end. His cock pulses hotly inside you as he comes; hips snapping short and sharp against your ass before stilling completely as he lets out a long, loud groan. He pulls back a little as he fills you up; making sure it all stays inside you instead of seeping out around him to leak onto the bed. It feels so good it gives you the little push you need to tumble into your own orgasm, tight walls squeezing him for all he’s worth.

“Thanks, big guy,” you pant as you both come back down, tilting your face to give him a sweet kiss on the cheek. “I really, really needed that.”

“I did, too, kitten,” he hums as he tilts his own face to give you a kiss proper. He pulls back with another smirk. “I just wanted to see how far you’d go to get it. You’re so cute when you’re determined.”

“And _you’re_ super frustrating when you’re a tease,” you huff with no real bite. You soften completely when he laughs, grinning as you start laughing right along with him.

He pulls out and slides off the bed to get everything you need to clean up. He hands you a wipe before cleaning himself off, both of you quiet for a moment as you wipe the sweat and each other from your skin. You hop off to toss it in the trash and put on your shirt, underwear, and sleep shorts, too. After all, you really don’t want to leak everything you couldn’t clean all over your sheets. You already have to wash them a ton as it is.

You pull back the covers as you crawl back into bed, grinning as you pat the space next to you in invitation. Kisame just chuckles as he pulls himself on after you, eagerly wrapping you up in his arms as you snuggle against him after setting your alarm and turning off the light.

“…You know, it occurred to me after what you told me earlier that I really don’t know all that much about you guys yet,” you near-whisper a few minutes later. You feel him shift against you, feel his arms tighten before relaxing again. After another long moment he sighs.

“I can’t tell you any details about the organization, sweetheart,” he murmurs quietly into your hair. “I’m sorry.”

“I know,” you reply softly. “I meant I want to know more about _you._ As people. As individuals.”

“…What do you want to know?”

“I know you’re from the Hidden Mist,” you start, recalling what you remember from that first dinner conversation all those long weeks ago. “What was your life like, there? Your friends and family?”

He goes quiet. He stays that way so long you’re afraid you might have overstepped and upset him.

“I’m sorry!” you backtrack, afraid of losing all your wonderful progress. “I didn’t mean --, you don’t have too --”

“It’s alright, sweetheart,” he cuts you off gently. “I’m not mad or offended. I’m just – I’m just thinking, is all. Shinobi live very different lives from civilians. My old village is known as the Bloody Mist for a reason.”

“…You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to,” you say sincerely. Despite your burning curiosity you don’t want to make him uncomfortable.

He chuckles and gives you a gentle squeeze. “No, I can tell you a few things. What are you willing to listen to?”

“…What about your family? Are you okay to talk about them?”

He hums. “Yeah, sure. Let’s see…the Hoshigaki clan as a whole is fairly small, now. It was a powerhouse clan, once, a long time ago but the wars thinned a lot of us out before my time. The few of us that are left get along pretty well, though. ”

“…What about your personal family? Your mom and dad and siblings?”

He shifts again, getting more comfortable. “Well, I was an only child, unfortunately. My dad died on a mission before I was born. Luckily my maternal grandmother was still around to help raise me while my mom continued to do missions. I’m not sure how we’d have made ends meet, otherwise.”

You hug him a little tighter, fingers curling comfortingly against his chest as your own pangs with a distant, longing sadness for him. “I’m sorry, Kisame. If…if this is hard for you to talk about we can talk about something else.”

You feel his shoulder lift and fall under your head in a gentle shrug. “Eh, I was luckier than most. I may not have had many friends due to my looks and clan’s reputation but I still had my mom and grandmother.”

“Well I’m sure they’re wonderful and I hope I get to meet them someday!” Shit. Fuck. Did that really just come out of your awkward ass mouth?

He just throws his head back and laughs, loud and genuine. You relax; the vibrations of it against your cheek strangely soothing.

“I wish you could meet them, too, sweetheart,” he hums brightly after he calms down. “They would have _loved_ you. My mom especially.”

You frown, afraid of where this is going. “…Would have?”

He just hums again, quieter this time. “Yeah. My mom died on a mission when I was twelve. Shocked the whole damn village. She was a tough, terrifying opponent on the battlefield; known even far outside our nation. Nicknamed the She-Devil of the Mist. Most who knew better ran before she could sink her teeth into ‘em.”

“…Okay, I’m not going to lie, that is both terrifying and yet so goddamn _badass_.” He laughs again.

“Yeah,” he starts when he’s finished. “She was a serious badass. Taught me everything she could between missions. But her biggest lesson was loyalty – to fight and die protecting what you believe in. For her it was me and our village. She went out fighting for the things most precious to her.” 

“Like a badass.”

“Yeah,” he chuckles as he squeezes your shoulders. “Like a badass.”

Sadly only a few years after that his grandmother succumbed to complications due to her age, leaving him mostly alone. He joined the Seven Swordsmen under the tutelage of his master and trained under him for many years. Unfortunately, due to some ‘severe disagreements’ between them, Kisame ended up leaving his village entirely. He goes quiet for a bit after that, thinking.

“What about your family, sweetheart?” he asks out of the blue just as you’re starting to settle down to sleep.

“Hm?” you ask through the easy haze beginning to tug at you.

“Your family,” he repeats gently. “What about them?”

You just shrug and snuggle further into him, reluctant to talk. “They’re not _nearly_ as interesting, I assure you.”

“Aw, come on sweetheart,” he murmurs. “I still wanna hear it.”

You sigh, deflating a little in defeat. It’s only fair, after all. “They own and run a restaurant in my tiny home village; a small bar and grill. The food is good but it’s mostly known for my dad’s homebrewed sake. Whenever I wasn’t in class I was helping them out -- mostly cleaning, basic food prep, waitressing, that kind of thing. My mom is a bit of a hardass; an overbearing, ‘always knows best’ type. My dad just kind of went along with whatever she wanted. I eventually got sick of it and left.” You hate telling him this. All of your family drama bullshit seems so petty and trivial next to his. That’s why you kept it short and sweet.

He hums, low and deep in his chest. “I’m sorry you didn’t get along with them,” he says softly, sincerely. It honestly warms your heart. “If I didn’t have my mom and grandma I wouldn’t have had anyone. …Though I’m not gonna lie,” here his voice takes on a gentle, teasing tone, his arm squeezing your middle. “I’m also kinda glad you left. Otherwise I don’t think we’d have ever gotten to meet you.”

Your face burns like a thousand suns; your heart pounding in your chest like a herd of elephants.

“Well, I’m glad I got to meet you all, too.” Thankfully your stupid, awkward mouth will at least let you have _this_.

He just chuckles softly and presses a gentle kiss to your hair before you both quietly let yourselves drift off to sleep.

*

Itachi’s in the kitchen the next morning, your tea already made and sitting across from him.

Though it honestly warms your heart and helps relive a little of your worry you can’t help but frown. You don’t want him to mentally and emotionally exhaust himself on your behalf because he’s too polite _not_ too.

“I’m glad to see you, Itachi, but I don’t want you to over-exert yourself like this if you’re not ready,” you say seriously as you slide into your chair. “I know I told you I don’t want you to become a recluse, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get the need for space sometimes. If you’d be more comfortable in your room right now I’d understand. It wouldn’t hurt my feelings.”

His eyes widen a little, clearly surprised. If there’s anything you’re good at reading other than books its people and you’ve lived with enough bullshit to stop beating around the bush about it.

His face softens. “I…do not mind being out for a bit. I can’t guarantee I’ll stay this way, but as you pointed out it would be unhealthy for me to completely shut myself off.”

“That’s good,” you agree as you sip at your tea. He still remembers how you like it. “It’s good to ground yourself like this every now and again or else it’ll just make things worse. Make you lose yourself further.”

“…It sounds like you speak from experience,” he questions gently. You just hum and shrug.

“Like most people I went through a moody teenager phase,” you explain simply as you stare into your mug. “I didn’t have anyone other than my parents to fall back on so when we were fighting I’d just hide in my room for days. Eventually my mom would get sick of it and start camping out in my room, just sit in the corner and read while I sulked. Even though we weren’t getting along just her presence really did help; even if I didn’t realize it at the time.”

“I see…” he says quietly, watching you with those dark, dark eyes. You wish you could read them better. “Despite your disagreements she clearly still cared for you. She just wanted you to know that.”

You deflate a little at the observation. It’s one you’d made yourself a while ago but it’s still a bit hard to hear out loud. “Yeah. I figured that out eventually. It didn’t make living with them any easier, though.”

Itachi doesn’t question you any further, realizing that you’re not ready to open up any more than that. You’re quietly grateful.

“…So I was thinking of redecorating the base,” you throw out a couple of minutes later when he doesn’t say anything more. “Painting the walls and putting up some pictures and stuff. I was thinking maybe a nice, medium green for the halls and living room and a pretty light blue for the kitchen.”

Itachi hums as he takes another drink, thinking. “I’m personally not opposed to either of those colors. Is there any particular reason you chose them?”

You just shrug and give him a wry grin. “You mean besides the fact that I just find them pretty? I read somewhere that blues and greens are soothing colors. They create a calming atmosphere and can apparently even help lower blood pressure. God knows we need all the help we can get on _that_ front around here.”

He actually _smiles_. It’s a small, barely there thing but to you it feels like the biggest victory in the world.

The rest of your usual teatime passes as normal, for the most part. He’s still a bit quieter than usual; only really responding to what you say rather than starting any topics of his own. Still, it’s nice and you’re grateful that he’s putting up with you at all.

“Oh!” you suddenly pipe up as you push your chair back to stand. “I just remembered I had something I wanted to give you. Just give me a moment.”

Itachi just watches silently as you disappear down the hall, returning a minute later with a worn paperback in hand. You hold it out to him with a small, shy smile and he takes it gently.

“It’s one of my favorites,” you explain as he glances over the cover. A fantasy novel, by the looks of it. “It’s a pretty basic tale of good versus evil and it’s a little cheesy in parts but it’s got a lot of genuine heart and surprising wisdom. It’s the first book I turn too when I need some comfort.”

“I see,” he says quietly. His eyes are so soft when he turns them back to you that it makes your heart skip two or three beats. “Thank you for sharing something so personal with me.”

“It’s no problem,” you reply sheepishly, scratching at the back of your head. “I figured you could use a little something to do between trying to figure things out, you know? Give your mind a break.”

“I appreciate it. Truly,” he murmurs sincerely as he pushes his chair back to stand, your book in his hand. The others will be waking up and walking in soon and he’s not quite ready to deal with them all just yet. “Your kindness is a gift we really don’t deserve.” The words slip from his lips before he can stop them. Damn it. If you weren’t worried before you sure are _now_.

Your eyes soften with quiet sadness as a frown tugs at your lips.

“Most everyone deserves at least a _little_ kindness, Itachi,” you reply gently. “And I personally think you deserve way more than a little. You’ve been nothing but good to me since I got here. I’m sure whatever is going on you’re being _way_ too hard on yourself for it.” 

He doesn’t say anything to that. You just sigh.

“Do you want me to bring you your breakfast when it’s finished?” you ask gently before he can move to leave like you know he wants to.

“I’m not in the mood for food right now, but thank you,” he replies easily, eyes still soft.

“Lunch, then? Or maybe dinner?”

“…I may be hungry by dinner.”

You smile, small but genuine. “I’ll swing by later with it, then. Take care of yourself, Itachi.”

He nods before he turns to leave.

You just watch him go with a pang of sadness in your heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big shout-out to my beta ToMakeMeTame, Fruutie568, and all my other Discord buddies!! You all help grease these creative wheels and keep them turning smoothly. Thank you, babes! <3
> 
> As always, thank you for reading! Stay strong, keep your chins up, and keep plowing ahead, babes. 
> 
> We've got this. <3


	15. House and Home

Itachi stays in his room for the rest of the week; only coming out for your quiet morning tea sessions.

Though you’re grateful that he’s at least doing that much you still can’t help but worry for him. What’s worse, Tobi has yet to return. It’s been a week over the latest day he was supposed to get back; your fretting and worrying only amplifying with each passing day. Kisame tries to reassure you by saying that they probably just got hung up on some technicality or another. As much as you appreciate the effort it really doesn’t do much to quell the growing nervousness in your gut. You may not know much about shinobi but you’re keenly aware that they lead very dangerous lives.

You take to sitting out on the front porch whenever you’re not working or with one of the other guys; occasionally glancing up from your book to look down the path towards the gates. If – _when_ – he gets back you want to be the first to see him.

He finally, finally does late Sunday evening.

You toss your book to the side when you hear the gates start to creak open, vault off the porch steps as soon as you catch a glimpse of orange. You’re already running down the path as the gates are closing behind him, relief melting over your heart as a wide grin stretches across your face. Surprisingly, he freezes; just stands in place as he watches you barrel towards him.

His arms open to catch you just as you get close enough to throw yourself into them; wrapping him up in a fierce bear hug as soon as you make contact.

“Oh thank god!” you huff as you burry your face in his shirt. “I was starting to get so worried! You were gone for almost a whole month!” Your words seem to snap him out of whatever trance he was in.

“Tobi is sorry for making you worry!” he says as he wraps you up right back; squeezing almost tight enough to be uncomfortable. “We just got stuck on some unexpected details. We didn’t mean to be gone so long.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re back!” you hum as you pull back a little to look up at him with bright eyes. Now your group is whole again. “I don’t know what I’d do without my best dancing buddy.” His breath hitches as he hugs you a little tighter. Clearly he missed you, too.

You both stay like that for a long moment, just enjoying each other’s presence.

“Where’s Zetsu?” you can’t help but ask when you finally pull away. You didn’t see him come through the gates with Tobi, after all. You double-scan to make sure that you didn’t somehow miss him. Not that he’s exactly easy to miss, but still. He does have a tendency to phase in and out of things like some kind of fucked-up ghost/plant-man hybrid. And after what he said last time about ‘coming back to make it up in full’ you’re a little surprised he’s not here harassing you about it.

“Oh, he had to go report to Leader!” Tobi replies brightly with a dismissive wave of his hand. “Don’t worry, though! He mentioned coming by later for a visit.~”

Oh lord. You almost want to ask if he mentioned what _kind_ of visit but honestly you’re kind of afraid to know. Like, does the dude even _have_ a dick? If so, what the hell would it even look like? Would it be black-and-white like the rest of him? Some kind of weird little tentacle thing? Okay, time to stop. You don’t need to be thinking these kinds of weird-ass things near sweet, goofy Tobi. How the hell did he get in with the rest of these guys, anyway?

“I see…” you say as you take a moment to mentally slap yourself back to proper working order. “Are you hungry? I’m sure you’re ready for some real food after eating those pills for so long!”

Tobi claps his hands as he bounces in place, clearly excited by the idea. “Tobi is _always_ ready for your yummy food, _______~!”

You grin as you grab his hand and lead him into the compound; more than ready for some goofy conversation and a long cuddle session.

*

You’re just settling down in the gazebo the next afternoon when he corners you.

He rises out of the ground like an overgrown weed; tall and more than a little terrifying. It doesn’t help that he’s grinning from ear to ear.

“Hiding away again, I see,” his white side hums as he settles to stand fully on solid ground. Despite being very much creeped out you can’t help but roll your eyes.

“It’s not exactly ‘hiding’ if I’m out here in the open and everyone knows where to find me anyway,” you huff as you set your book aside. You have a feeling you’re not going to get to read it any time soon.

The black half of him snorts. **“There you go being rude again, girl. You already have enough of it to make up for. Why make it harder on yourself by adding to it?”**

You resist the urge to roll your eyes again. This guy really does give you the heebie-jeebies and you _really_ don’t want to push him. You have no idea what he might do. “Okay, I’m sorry. What did you come to me for, exactly?” Better find out what he means by ‘making up for it’. Hopefully it’s nothing hard or complicated or embarrassing.

“Oh, it’s fairly simple, really!” his white side starts brightly. “It’s come to our attention that women can taste good so -- **we want to eat you.”**

Your heart stops dead.

Then you scramble back so fast you’re surprised you don’t trip over yourself; your journey brought to an abrupt end by the gazebo’s railing digging into your back.

“Oh my god you’re a _cannibal_ ,” you wheeze, the pieces all fitting together. The not eating regular food, the others’ careful avoidance of the details, the giant Venus flytrap around his head…how did it not hit you sooner?! “You - you wouldn’t like me!” you try to reason with a dissuading wave of your hands. “I’m full of shit! Horseshit, bullshit, batshit, literal shit, you name it, I’m full of it! Doesn’t exactly make for a tasty combo, you know? I guaran-damn-tee you I taste terrible!”

“Oh, no! That’s not what we - ”

His black half cuts him off with a wide, sharp grin. **“Foolish girl. That’s not what we mean. You’re far too soft for our tastes, anyway.”**

Well that doesn’t help you relax _at all_. “Well then what the hell _do_ you mean?!” you spit as you start trying to gage the distance between him and you and you and the compound. Maybe you should just scream or make a break for it. Surely one of the others will help you fight this freak off.

His grin somehow grows _wider_ , taking up the entirety of the bottom half of his face. “Allow us to show you/ **Allow us to show you,”** they say in unison.

An image flickers to life in front of you, like the ones you’d seen on the rare TV back in your village. It’s taller than you are, the people in it pretty much true-to-size.

You squint at it, both fascinated and confused. Then they go wide at the content. Is…is this porn?! You squint at it again and lean in a bit further to get a better look.

Wait, you recognize one of them!

Sure enough, the familiar form of Hidan flickers back at you, naked as the day he was born. He’s definitely not alone, though. He’s got his silver head buried between the thighs of some random woman you don’t know; her hand tangled in his hair and her head thrown back in obvious pleasure as he goes at her with all the enthusiasm of a man starved. He’s got her on what looks like a forest floor, their clothes piled up haphazardly a ways behind them.

Your face suddenly feels like you got caught in a flash fire.

 _“Oh_ ,” you breath, realization dawning. “You mean you want to eat me _out_.” That s _till_ doesn’t make you relax.

 **“Technicalities,”** his black half purrs.

Something else occurs to you as you continue to watch the show.

“Wait, how did you get this?” Was he spying on them? And when was this, anyway? Is…is Hidan just screwing random women every time he’s out of the compound?! Just fucking anyone he can get his hands on?! Is you fucking him whenever he wants not enough for him?! And what if that fucker brings back an STD and gives it to you?! Inconsiderate bastard! “ _When_ did you get this?!”

 **“Jealousy is a bad look on you, girl,”** his black half says with a snicker.

“I’m not fucking _jealous_!” you spit, whirling around to glare at him. You’re not! You have no right or reason to be! At the end of the day Hidan is just one of your employers. Your hot, cocky-yet-surprisingly-sweet, complete-and-utter-dumbass employer. One of many men you’re fucking on a regular basis. You really have no right or reason to feel like you just got slapped across the face. “I’m just worried for my health! I don’t need that asshole giving me gonorrhea or some shit!”

“If it makes you feel any better this was before he joined the organization,” his white half pops in to say. “This footage is almost two years old, now.”

You relax only marginally. His last physical wasn’t near that long ago so you should be good. And the first time he fucked you he’d mentioned it’d been a while so that woman is obviously no longer in the picture.

…Not that you’d care if she were!

 **“So are you going to give us what we want or not?”** his black half cuts back in to ask as the ‘video’ flickers out of existence.

You’re sorely tempted to tell him to fuck off. Just spit it at him and run inside to hide behind Kisame. The guy both creeps and freaks you out and his voyeuristic tendencies _definitely_ do not help.

…But you’re sure if you do that it’ll only cause problems and resentment in the future. And you _are_ still contractually obligated to sleep with him. Hell, you’re still sucking _Kakuzu_ off after everything and he’s been _way_ worse to you than this guy has.

“…Do you even know how to do it?” you can’t help but ask. You don’t want him to, well, _actually try to eat you_. “You know you’re not supposed to use teeth, right? That you don’t actually bite?”

 **“There you go insulting us again,”** his black half growls with a narrowed eye. He’s still grinning, though. It’s…highly unnerving. **“We’re very observant, fast learners, I assure you. Now, why don’t you take off those troublesome clothes of yours and let us get started?”**

Okay, for all the bizarreness of this situation you can’t deny how hot that sounded; the low pulse it sends to your core. What the fuck is wrong with you?

“…We’d have to go back inside,” you point out. “That’s where my room is.”

“We’d personally be more comfortable out here,” his white half says as he moves closer, standing at the bottom of the gazebo steps as he gazes up at you with those strange yellow eyes. “Would that be suitable for you?” 

“I don’t know…” you trail off, glancing towards the compound. The black half of him snorts.

 **“Everyone in there already knows what you do with everyone else, girl,”** he reminds you dryly. **“Even if we were to get caught it would hardly shock them.”**

You roll your eyes. “True as that is, I’m not sure how comfortable I am with having my pussy just out in the open like that.”

“Would you be more comfortable behind the gazebo?” his white half asks sweetly, his smile surprisingly genuine. “We’d be out of the direct line of sight from the compound so if anyone were to come out it’d be easy enough to get you back in order before they see.”

You turn to squint at the spot behind you as you think about it. You _would_ be fairly well hidden. And you can’t deny that the thought of possibly getting caught is… _doing_ …things to you. Further still, like his black half said even if you slip up and somehow _do_ actually get caught it’s not like most of them haven’t seen you naked anyway. This is honestly the perfect opportunity to indulge this new-found exhibitionist side of yourself.

“Fine,” you concede with a sigh. “But I’m serious about the biting thing,” you say firmly as you turn back around to pin him with a look. “Please don’t use your teeth. Like, _at all_.”

Both sides of him smile, wide and creepy. “Promise./ **Promise.”**

You shuffle out into the yard, unbuttoning your pants as you go. As soon as you’re safely behind the gazebo you pull them off completely, taking your panties with them. You keep everything else on; just for the illusion of modesty. You fold them both up and set them on the ground right next to the gazebo.

“Alright,” you start, propping your hands on your naked hips as you turn around to look at him. “How do you want to do this?”

 **“Lie down on your back,”** his black half orders lowly. You roll your eyes and sit down before you do so. Hopefully the grass won’t make you _too_ itchy later. You watch as Zetsu moves into view, looming over you for a moment before sinking down to his knees. **“Spread your legs, girl.”** You do. You shiver as he wraps his arms under your thighs; his touch strangely warm and cool all at once.

…And then you promptly yelp as he yanks you up ass first, forcing you to rest most of your weight on your upper back and shoulder blades. You instinctively hook the backs of your knees over his shoulders for stability, the leaves of his flytrap brushing against your bare legs and making you shudder. He just smirks down at you as you scowl up at him. Some warning would have been nice!

You don’t get a chance to say that before he’s on you, tongue eagerly delving between your folds and making you yelp again. His black half growls as you buck against his jaw, grip tightening around your thighs to better hold you in place.

 **“Did we tell you you could move?”** he growls.

“Oh hush now,” his white half chastises. “Clearly that was involuntary on her part.”

God, that’s still so _weird_. It’s almost like he’s two completely different people haphazardly shoved into one body. You don’t get to think about it further as you’re dragged back into the situation at hand by Zetsu’s tongue licking a long, wet stripe up your quickly dampening slit. You whine and try to buck again; only stopped by his strong hold on your thighs. Your shoulders are starting to ache a bit from having all your weight bearing down on them so you press your arms out flat on either side of you for some relief. Despite everything you can’t deny just how _hot_ all of this is. Gah, _Icha Icha_ really did ruin you.

 **“Well, I’m not sure what I was expecting but I have to admit that you do, in fact, taste quite good,”** his black half rumbles against you in an almost-purr. The vibrations of it make you shiver. **“I’m pleasantly surprised.”**

“I have to admit that I am, as well,” his white half agrees. “She’s got a nice, tangy flavor; slightly salty and yet strangely sweet all at the same time.”

You shiver again, his warm breath ghosting wonderfully over your slick, heated flesh. You can’t even find it in yourself to be creeped out by his strange assessment of you; like he’s some kind of fucked-up food critic and you’re a five-star meal.

“ _Please_ ,” you moan as you try and grind up against him again. “Please keep going, Zetsu.”

 **“Ah, so you _do_ actually have it in you to be polite,” **his black half mocks almost playfully. You pout up at him.

“Don’t be a tease,” you huff. “…Please.”

**“And who are you to be making demands of _me_ , girl?” **

“Oh stop,” his white side huffs. “ _We’re_ the ones who initiated this. It would be rude of us to leave her wanting.”

His black half smirks, wide and sharp. **“I suppose that’s true. And we wouldn’t want to set a bad example now, would we?”**

And then he’s on you again, his hot, wet tongue eagerly lapping at your damp opening. You whine as you let your head fall back, more than willing to let him take over.

As promised he is a _very_ fast learner. Whenever the tip of his tongue hits your swollen clit you moan and try to grind up into him. After the second time he gets the hint and starts focusing on that spot – poking and prodding and swirling around it until you’re writhing. You stare up at him with hazy eyes, cunt clenching at the dark, almost predatory expression on his face and the strange gleam in his own eyes. You can’t deny that he looks hot like this. 

It doesn’t take you long to come. After only a few minutes your body is tensing; muscles vibrating as a choking noise gets stuck in your throat. He pulls back slightly as you do; eagerly shoving his tongue into your dripping cunt to lap up everything you give him. You cry out at the sensation, walls eagerly clamping down on him as you ride your orgasm out.

 **“Well, that was more enjoyable than I thought it would be,”** the black side of him purrs as he pulls back completely and licks at his lips. **“We may just have to come back for more of this sometime.”**

“I certainly wouldn’t be opposed,” his white side chimes in brightly. You just pant as they move to set you down, surprisingly gentle.

“You don’t want anything else?” you ask as you watch them stand. “A blowjob or something?” It would feel kind of wrong to let him (them?) go without something in return; even if he was the one who initiated this in the first place.

The black half of him snorts. **“We don’t need such things, girl. …Though we may get a bit more… _creative_ …in the future.” **With that he starts to sink into the ground.

“Wait!” you call out before he can fully disappear. He stops halfway in and turns to you, curious. “Can I ask you something before you go? Please?”

The brow on his white side raises, clearly surprised. “You _want_ to know about us?” The clear disbelief in his tone honestly breaks your heart a little.

“Well, _yeah_ ,” you reply as you sit up to look at him better. “It would be weird _not_ to. Especially if I’m going to be seeing more of you around.”

“…What do you want to know?”

“Are you two different people?” you ask, moving to sit on your knees. “Your two halves talk to each other like you are.”

His eyes cross as his two halves look at each other. Its…both kinda funny and a little unnerving. Then they both look back to you.

 **“Yes,”** his black half answers after a moment. **“We are two beings occupying the same body.”**

“Do you have different names?”

“…No.”

“Would you like me to call you each something different?” It would feel weird to keep calling them both just ‘Zetsu’ now that you know.

His black half snorts, eye narrowing. **“I already have a name, girl. I don’t want or need another.”**

You deflate a little, feeling weirdly chastised and childish. “Oh…”

“…What kind of name would you give me, exactly?” his white side asks.

You shrug. “I dunno. …How about ‘Weezie’? Short for ‘White Zetsu.’”

His white side grins, wide and genuine. “I quite like it! Thank you.”

You can’t help but grin back. Strange as this whole situation is it’s also weirdly endearing.

“Zetsu and Weezie it is, then,” you hum brightly as you stand up to put your bottoms back on. “Take care, you two.”

They both grin, wide and somehow slightly less unnerving.

 **“Until next time, girl,”** Zetsu says lowly.

“Bye-bye, now!” Weezie adds on as they both finish sinking into the ground.

You just roll your eyes as you go back to your book.

*

“…You really don’t have to run me into town, Tobi,” you offer as he finishes tying your blindfold. “I can just wait until the next grocery run. Really, I wouldn’t mind.” You’d just offhandedly mentioned your plan of painting the base during your latest cuddle session and he’d immediately offered to take you into town to buy everything, excitement clear in his tone. Despite your protests to the contrary you quickly found yourself outside, Tobi all but dragging you off the couch and along behind him. 

“Nonsense!” he hums brightly as he checks to make sure it’s not too tight. “I _want_ too. Besides, this way I get to spend a little alone time with you~.”

You flush. He really is the sweetest thing. You honestly wonder how on earth he got in with the rest of this strange, intimidating group. His eager, almost childlike demeanor really clashes with everyone else’s personalities.

“Well, I appreciate it,” you say sincerely as you reach out to feel around for his shoulders. You latch onto him as soon as you find them, lightly hopping up onto his back as his hands hoist you up by the backs of your thighs. “Thank you.” 

“No problem, _______~,” he says as he hops up into the trees. “So what colors are you going to get?” he asks as he sets a quick, smooth pace.

“I was thinking a medium green for the hallways and living room and a lighter blue for the kitchen and dining room,” you answer as you settle in. “Both colors would go really well with the dark wood floors and white baseboards.”

“Ooo, those _do_ sound pretty~!” You laugh a little as his obvious excitement.

“I’ll drop in and grab some of those color sample cards and then come back to the meeting spot so that you can help me pick,” you promise with a gentle squeeze to his shoulders.

“Oh, you don’t have to do that!” he says quickly. “Tobi trusts you to pick some good ones.” You just grin.

“Nonsense!” you throw back at him, using his words from earlier. “I _want_ too! Besides, you’re going to be looking at them all the time, too. It’s only fair that you get at least s _ome_ say.”

The rest of the trip passes with playful teasing and easy conversation. Tobi likes to talk and you’re more than willing to listen; eagerly laughing at his animated tones, funny stories, and strange anecdotes. He really is a whole different beast from the others.

When the time comes you keep your promise; returning to the meeting spot with a handful of color cards from the hardware store. The two of you settle on a beautiful forest green and a lovely darker shade of sky blue. You eagerly head back into town to grab everything you need; returning a little less than an hour later with a couple of paint trays, a few rollers, a couple of brushes, two cheap plastic tarps, and, of course, the paint itself. You honestly can’t wait to get back and get started.

The easy conversations from earlier lull for a bit as you’re heading back. Your mind can’t help but wander back to that ever-growing thought. Tobi really is so different from the others that you can’t help but wonder…

“Tobi?” you start, tone a little more reserved than your usual with him.

“What’s up?”

“What made you join this group?”

He goes quiet. Uncharacteristically so. Even when he’s not talking he’s usually making noise of _some_ kind or another; either humming or whistling or even singing.

“…I got lost on the path of life,” he starts seriously. You lean your face in a little closer to better listen, settling in for a story. “…So I followed a black cat and it lead me here!”

You snort despite yourself. “I’m serious, Tobi. You’re just so happy-go-lucky compared to the rest of the guys. So open and carefree. Why would someone like you want to join a band of scary mercenaries?”

“Like I said, a nice black kitty lead me here~!” he reiterates brightly. “Oh! You know what else we should get for the base? A cat! Didn’t you mention that you always wanted a pet? You know, I’ve never had one before, either. Well, technically, anyway. We had a bunch of stray ones around my old apartment, though, so I could at least go out and play with those. My grandma would always let me take our scraps and leftovers out to them! There was this one who-” 

He talks your ear off for the rest of the trip, never letting you get a word in edgewise. You just hum and nod along, half paying attention. Though you really do enjoy the personal info he’s giving you he’s clearly deflecting; doesn’t want to talk about it. You decide to just let it go for now.

…Actually, you’ll ask Itachi about it during your next tea session.

You’re sure he’s bound to know _something_.

*

You change into your oldest, ugliest shorts and tee shirt as soon as you get back. Tobi, likewise, changes into an old long sleeve black shirt and sweatpants; still wearing his mask and gloves. You head into the kitchen to grab the radio as Tobi spreads the tarps over the furniture, plugging it into a closer outlet for you to better listen to while you work. Naturally, the music draws the attention of the others. Kisame, Deidara, and Hidan all stroll in just as you’re cracking open the first can of paint.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were planning on sprucing up the base, sweetheart?” Kisame asks as you start stirring it. “I would’ve offered to help.” You just shrug and glance up to give him a smile.

“I wasn’t expecting to do it this soon,” you answer as you focus your attention back on the paint. “But I mentioned it to Tobi earlier and he got so excited he wanted to do it today. We just got back from town.”

“Aw, can you really blame me?” Tobi says up as he crouches down to better watch you. “White walls are just so boooriiing! These colors are much, much better~!” Kisame chuckles.

“Well, give me a minute and I’ll join in,” he says as he turns to head back down the hall, no doubt to get changed.

“You two didn’t put up any painter’s tape?” Deidara pipes up as he glances around the room. You wince. Damn it.

“Ah, crap,” you sigh as you stand back up to follow his gaze. “I knew there was _something_ I’d forgotten. Do you think there’s any masking tape around we could use?”

“Don’t worry about it, hm,” he says as he glances over your supply pile. “It looks like you got a couple of regular brushes. With a precise enough hand it’d be an easy enough matter to do the fine edgework detailing that way. Let me go change and I’ll take over that part.” You watch as he, too, strolls off towards the bedrooms.

“I’ll help, too!” Hidan spits as he runs after him, no doubt not wanting to be shown up. You just grin and roll your eyes. You weren’t expecting this to be a group activity, but you’re grateful that it’s going to be. It’ll certainly be a lot more fun and go by a lot faster this way. You just wish it could be the whole of your usual breakfast gang…

You smother down the pang of sadness at the thought, distracting yourself by pouring some paint into the trays while Tobi gets the rollers set up. Itachi will come out when he’s ready to.

Not five minutes later everyone’s re-gathered in the living room, changed and ready to go. You pause to work out a plan of attack. Obviously Deidara will be taking over the edgework, but it’s also an easy enough matter to put Kisame on ceiling duty since he’s the tallest. He grabs up the extra-long handled roller you bought for just that purpose as the rest of you pick up the regular ones and get started.

Unfortunately, you forgot to go over general room-painting technique, first.

“You idiot!” Deidara spits at Hidan as some paint from the zealot’s over-saturated roller drips down onto his hair while he tries to maneuver it over his head. “Look what you did, yeah!”

“Aw, I think it’s a good look on you, blondie!” Hidan snickers as he just shakes his roller to drip more onto Deidara’s head like the little shit that he is. “This shade of green goes really well with your hair!”

“IT’S ABOUT TO GO REALLY WELL UP YOUR SORRY ASS, YEAH!” Kisame and Tobi both snicker as you roll your eyes and step between the two.

“Calm down, Dei,” You soothe as you turn your attention on him. “It’s non-toxic and washes off of skin and hair fairly easy. You’ll be fine.”

“It’s the principle of the thing, yeah!” Deidara loudly rebuttals, waving an incredulous arm at a still-smirking Hidan. “The asshole just went and made an accident worse on purpose!” You just roll your eyes again as you grab the brush of your roller with your free hand to cover it in paint and then quickly press it into Hidan’s hair before he can figure out your plan.

“There,” you huff as you leave a nice, green handprint behind. “And before you can go and get all pissed at _me_ ,” you continue as you pin a wide-eyed Hidan with a look, “I’ll give myself one, too.” Both of them watch as you do just that – once again grabbing the brush before giving yourself your own nice little handprint on the side of your head. “We good, now?” They both just glance at each other before looking back at you to nod. “Good.”

“Tobi wants one, too!” Tobi says excitedly as he skips over to stand in front of you, wriggling in place as he waits. You laugh as you reach out and give him one.

“Well now I feel all left out,” Kisame rumbles with a grin as he strolls over to join your weird little paint party. You just grin right back as you wave him down to your level; giving him his own handprint as soon as his head is close enough.

“Well, I might as well get a _proper_ mark while my heads all covered in paint, anyway,” Deidara huffs with a smirk as he leans in to let you add to his impromptu ‘canvas.’ You just grin again as you eagerly do so.

“Now you all look as ridiculous as you act!” you tease as you pull your hand back. They really do look ridiculous. You can’t help but burst into laughter all over again as you step back to get a good look at them all; your laughter starting a chain reaction.

“Well, it seems I’ve picked a good time to join in,” a new voice pipes up from the hall as you’re all calming down. You all glance over to see Itachi standing there with a small, easy smile on his face as he takes you all in. You grin as you all but run up to him, relief and excitement making you giddy. 

“Itachi!” you greet brightly as you barely restrain your urge to throw your arms around him. You’ve still got a loaded paint roller in hand, after all. “Would you like your initiation handprint now or later?”

“I suppose now would be as good a time as any,” he hums with softening eyes as he tilts his head down to give you better access. You’re practically vibrating in place as you deal out the final handprint of the day, gently pressing your green palm to the top of his head. Even under the paint his hair feels soft and silky to your touch. You’re almost sad to pull back.

“Welcome back, Itachi,” you say softly as he straightens back up. He just gives you another one of those impossibly soft looks that makes your insides feel like jello.

“It’s good to be back, ________.”

The rest of the afternoon passes with more music and laughter and easy camaraderie; all of you trading jokes and banter as easy as the paint gliding onto the walls. It’s almost surreal when you stop to think about it. Not just because of the stark contrast from two months ago but for the sad fact that you never thought you’d ever get the chance to have something like this. Only in your books and imagination and dreams did you ever get to experience such things before.

A soft fondness tugs at your heart as you watch them all; warm and easy.

You really hope this fondness only deepens.

*

The new paintjob definitely makes your usual morning tea time just that much better. It really is a pretty, relaxing color. It still doesn’t fully distract you from your more serious thoughts, though.

“Itachi?” you ask during a lull. You’re not looking at him when you say it; instead staring off to the side as if admiring the walls.

“Hm?”

“…Why is Tobi a part of this group?” You really can’t think of a better way to ask it. You’re sure he’ll pick up on your reasons for doing so. “I asked him myself but he just deflected it.”

He sighs as you hear him gently set his mug back down.

“The reasons for joining this group are as varied as its members,” he starts quietly. “We make it a policy not to pry, not to ask questions. So long as each member does their job, pulls their weight, there is nothing else to know.”

“But Tobi is just so… _different_ …from the rest of you,” you can’t help but push as you finally focus your attention on him. His expression is as passive as always, his gaze dark and quiet. “He’s just so…goofy. Carefree. Almost childlike. What would make someone like him join a group like this? He just doesn’t seem the mercenary type.”

“A lot of shinobi wear masks that can’t be seen,” he replies evenly. “They use them to protect invisible wounds, to cover up and hide deeper pain and trauma.”

“So you’re saying that Tobi’s playfulness is a front?” you ask, mouth drawing flat even as your chest pangs with a dull ache at the thought. “That he’s hiding his hurt with jokes and acting like a goofball?” _Cherry cough syrup._

Itachi hums, the sound neither confirming nor denying. “I believe that a good bit of it is genuine,” he says after a moment to think. “However, I also believe that it is amplified and exaggerated. It’s probably the easiest coping mechanism for him.” 

“I see…” you trail off, sadness tugging at the corners of your eyes and the edges of your heart. It honestly hurts you to think that most of his happy-go-lucky nature is just a coping mechanism. And clearly he’s not ready to open up about it if yesterday’s trip is anything to go by. “Thank you, Itachi.”

He just hums again as he stands to refill your cups.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big shout out to the newest addition to my awesome team - SaltySeaFarms! I look forward to working with you, babe! And as always thank you to my incredible beta ToMakeMeTame and all of my Discord buddies for helping me keep this ship afloat! I really appreciate all of you. <3
> 
> As always stay safe, sane, and thanks for reading!


	16. Prickly Things

Hidan’s changing back into his clothes after your latest ‘session’ when he notices it.

His brows furrow in confusion as he stares at it, walking over to your desk for a better look.

“You have a camera?” he asks as he picks up the now-framed photo of you and Sasori to squint at it.

“Hm?” you hum as you finish pulling your shirt over your head. You glance over at him to see what he’s looking at and it registers. “Oh, no. The camera is Sasori’s. I just watched him fix it and then developed the test photo.”

Hidan stares at it for a moment longer, still squinting.

…But then a wide, predatory smile splits his face as he turns back to look at you. You just brace yourself for the inevitable innuendo.

“Well, I think it’d be a shame not to use this little opportunity to its full potential, babe,” he purrs as he sets the picture back down and sidles up to you. “Imagine all the pretty pictures we could take of _you_. It gets awfully lonely out on the road, you know...”

“So talk to Kakuzu,” you throw back with a roll of your eyes as you tug on your pants. You know _exactly_ what he wants; what he means when he says ‘pretty pictures’. You’re just not sure you’re willing to do something like that just yet.

“Believe me, I try to,” Hidan huffs as he wraps his arms around you from behind. “But that grumpy old fuck ain’t exactly a talker. Besides, I’d much rather have something sexy to look at whenever we stop for the night.”

“So buy a mirror,” you tease with a soft pat to his forearms. Hopefully flattery will distract him and make him drop it.

He snickers into your hair as he gives you a gentle squeeze. “Already own one, babe. How else do you think I get my hair all perfect?” You just roll your eyes. Figures. “And you ain’t about to distract me from this. I’m all excited just thinking about it. Hell, I may even buy myself a wallet. One of the ones with plenty of slots for photos…”

“Well, you’re going to have to take it up with Sasori,” you say as you wiggle out of his arms to head over to the door, Hidan following. Hopefully it’ll stop with him. You very much doubt the prickly little redhead will allow Hidan anywhere near such a delicate piece of tech; especially one that he put work and effort into fixing up himself. “Anyway, I gotta go start on dinner. You stay out of trouble, you hear?” And after giving him a gentle parting kiss on the nose you head off to do just that. Hidan watches you go with a smirk, waiting until he’s sure you’re gone before strolling out into the hall himself; making a beeline for Deidara’s door.

“Oi! Blondie!” Hidan says after a loud, heavy knock. “I need your help with something.” It cracks open a moment later, Deidara’s none-too-happy face greeting him on the other side.

“What the hell do you want, yeah?” he huffs as he crosses his arms. Hidan just smirks.

“Were you aware that your partner has a camera?” he asks as he crosses his arms right back.

“Yeah. Why?” Deidara shoots back with narrowed eyes, clearly not understanding why such a thing would matter at all. Hidan’s smirk just grows wider.

“Well, cameras take pictures, right?” he continues with a suggestive raise of his brows.

Deidara rolls his eyes. “ _Obviously_. Surely even you’re not _that_ stupid, hm.”

Hidan twitches, face quickly turning beat red. “ _You’re_ the one being dense, blondie!” he spits as he uncrosses his arms to curl his hands into fists. “Think about it for five goddamn seconds! What kind of pictures would you like to look at when you’re on the fucking road?!” Deidara pauses then, brows furrowing as he thinks.

…Then he remembers just where Hidan was a minute ago and it hits him; eyes going wide before they quickly narrow again and a smirk of his own slides across his lips.

“This may just be the best idea you’ve ever had, Hidan,” Deidara says airily as he props his hands on his slim hips. “Technically, it’s probably the _only_ idea you’ve ever had, but still…”

Hidan just rolls his eyes. “Well you knew he had a camera and _you_ didn’t fuckin’ think of it!” he huffs as he crosses his arms again. “Anyway, are you going to help me out or not? I’m sure Sasori’d be more willing to talk to you than he would me.”

“Hell yeah I’ll help!” Deidara replies with a wide grin, already stepping around him to head down the hall towards Sasori’s room. “If it means getting some naughty pictures of our pretty little masterpiece I’m all for it.” Hidan just follows behind him, already grinning again himself.

“Sasori, my man?” Deidara calls as he knocks on his partner’s door. “Can we borrow your camera for a day or two?”

“No.” The reply is firm and immediate. He doesn’t even bother opening the door.

“Aww, come on, my man!” Deidara borderline whines. “I promise we’ll be careful with it!”

A loud, disbelieving snort from the other side. “Most everything you touch ends up blown to a scatter of ash, brat,” Sasori snarks. “And I’m assuming the other half of your ‘we’ is Hidan and it’s a miracle that man is still in one piece.”

“Hey!” Hidan spits, indignant. Both parties ignore him.

“Please, Sasori?” Deidara asks as politely as he can. “I’m sure you’d be interested in the results, hm.”

“…What do you want to take pictures of, exactly?”

Deidara smirks, knowing he’s got his hook in, now. “I was thinking of taking some… _artistic_ …photos of _________. You know, have her model for some nice _figure drawings_ …”

A moment of silence as they let him think it over, imagine the possibility.

Then, finally, a heavy sigh.

“You’re just going to keep annoying me about this until I give in or kill you, aren’t you?” Sasori growls from behind his still-closed door.

Two faces light up in wicked smirks.

“Yep!” they say in unison.

Another sigh, more resigned. Then the door cracks open, Sasori’s flat, unimpressed expression greeting them on the other side.

“Fine,” he concedes with narrowing eyes, “you’ll get your ‘ _artistic_ ’ photos.” But then he smirks, clearly getting ready to say more. “…But I’ll take them myself. I wouldn’t trust you idiots with _anything_ of mine; much less something so delicate.”

Hidan snorts as he crosses his arms. “Would you even be able to appreciate just what you’re taking photos _of?_ ”

Sasori narrows his eyes at him; sharp, dangerous little slits. “My body may be different from yours, brat, but my mind is _not_ ,” he growls lowly. “In fact, anyone with a working brain cell would agree that it’s _far_ superior to yours. If anything I’d be able to ‘ _appreciate_ ’ the opportunity more than _you_ could. After all, _I’m_ the one with a taste for the arts.”

Deidara smirks. “It’s good to know we’re on the same page about _something_ , yeah. She really is a masterpiece, isn’t she?”

Sasori smirks back as he turns his attention on his partner. “Well, it’s nice to see that you’re finally gaining some sense and coming around to _my_ side,” he says, almost looking down his nose at him. “Just don’t burn the photos after you’re through with them, brat. I _won’t_ make you more.”

Deidara grins, wide and genuine. “And _you_ be sure to make her come at least _once_ , yeah,” he parries as he looks down his nose right back. “Then maybe _you’ll_ finally start to see the appeal of fleeting, transient beauty.”

“It’s not ‘fleeting’ or ‘transient’ if you’re able to do it more than once,” Sasori points out dryly. “Now get out of my hair. You’ll get your photos by tomorrow afternoon.” And with that he slams the door in their faces.

Hidan and Deidara just grin as they give each other a high-five.

*

He’s already waiting in your room later that evening when you come back to gather everything for your shower.

“ _Finally,_ ” he huffs as you step inside. “I was beginning to think - ”

“HOLY SHIT!” you spit as you instinctively jump back, not expecting to find anyone in your room. You relax when you get a good look at who it is, shoulders slumping as relief floods your system. “Geez, Sasori! A little warning would have been nice!” you huff back as you cross your arms and glare at him. He just gives you a flat look, making no moves to leave your desk chair.

“Did you not hear me when you opened the door?” he shoots back dryly. “My voice alone should have been warning enough.”

“…I was distracted.”

“With what, exactly?”

“…Thoughts.” 

He rolls his eyes. “Well, stop ‘being distracted’ and close the door,” he says as he waves you in. “I’m here for a reason and you’re wasting my time.”

You narrow your eyes at him as you close and lock your door, not fully understanding just what he could want. He’s got the body of a puppet, after all. You can’t really imagine him having a dick or even a regular sex drive. Then again, you thought the same thing about Zetsu…

“What are you here for?” you ask you walk over to stand in front of him, your hands propping on your hips.

He smirks, small but sharp. “Photos.”

Heat immediately floods your system, the conversation with Hidan coming back to you. Clearly he didn’t trust him with the camera, but you never accounted for the possibility of him just taking the photos himself. 

“Hidan got to you, huh?” you ask rhetorically as your gaze shifts to trail over your desk, finally noticing the camera there. Sasori’s smirk just grows wider.

“Technically he got to Deidara first and then Deidara talked to me,” he says airily as he leans over to prop his elbow on your desk and rest his cheek against his fist. “I’m mostly doing this because I know they’ll keep harassing me about it until I give in and it would be a real pain to go through the trouble of getting two new members.”

Your eyes narrow. “‘Mostly’?”

“The other part is curiosity,” he admits easily.

“I see,” you hum as you think it over. “…Would you even get anything out of this?” you can’t help but ask. “You know, pleasure wise?”

His eyes narrow right back at you. “Like I told the brats earlier my body may be different from yours but my mind is not,” he growls lowly. “You seem to forget that arousal starts in the mind, my doll.” You can’t help the shiver that the nickname inspires in you, deny the excitement that pools between your thighs at the possibility he’s presenting. His expression darkens, becomes more predatory. Clearly he’s pleased by your reaction. “Besides, I have a taste for the arts myself, remember? And you, my doll, are a work of art.”

Okay, so you’re _definitely_ interested in this. Anyone with eyes can see that Sasori is gorgeous and you’ve personally seen how good he is with his fingers. However, that still leaves the matter of the photos.

“…I’d _love_ to be with you that way, Sasori,” you start, knowing its best not to lie. “But I’m not sure how I’d feel about Hidan and Deidara just running around with photos of me like that.”

He just snorts. “They’ve already seen you both naked and in compromising positions so why would having pictures of you be a problem?” he asks dryly.

You roll your eyes. “The fact that photos are permanent and that others can see them is my problem,” you retort just as dryly, arms crossing. Surely he can see why you’d have issues with that.

“If you’re worried about the brats sharing them, don’t be,” he says easily. “They tolerate sharing you with the others because they have to. That and it seems you’ve done a good job of dividing your attentions equally. Now get undressed and get started.”

You stare each other down for a moment longer before you huff in resignation.

“Fine,” you sigh as you start to strip. “Might as well make Kisame some, too, while you’re at it. I’m sure he’d get a kick out of them.” It’d only be fair, after all.

You turn to him as soon as you’re completely naked, waiting. He’s still sitting in your chair, fully dressed and watching you with flat, lidded eyes.

“Well?” he asks after another mini stare-down.

“Well what?” Why isn’t he moving or getting undressed?

“Get on the bed and start touching yourself.”

Your heart about pounds right out of your chest.

“You’re…you’re not going to join me?” you ask after a swallow. Your face feels like it just caught fire.

He just snorts again. “I can’t exactly take good photos if I’m that close to you. No go on. You’re wasting my time.”

You swallow again as you turn and head over to crawl onto the bed. Though you’ve been in ‘compromising positions’ with several of the others they at the very least had their dicks out with you. You weren’t the only one naked, weren’t the only one participating. You’re not sure how you feel about being the star of your own little show like this; especially since you’ll be under the intense scrutiny of _Sasori_ of all people. If he starts making snarky, degrading little remarks about something like this you’re not sure your poor ego could take it.

“Well?” he asks again after you settle in and then just sit there. You shoot him a weak glare.

“Just hold your damn horses, Sassy!” you snap as you lean back against your pillows and try to relax. “This is a first for me.”

“How is this any different from what you do with the others?” he asks, sounding almost bored.

“The others were active participants, for one,” you huff as you plant your feet and bend your knees. You don’t spread your legs just yet, though. “They didn’t just watch. And I didn’t have to worry about them making snarky little remarks about me or my body.” The words slip out before you can stop them, your face heating again. What if he gets mad at you for them?

“I’m not going to insult you for something I asked you to do,” he replies easily. “And I just called you a work of art. Why would you think I’d insult your body after that?”

Shame quickly takes over, making you avert your gaze. “I don’t know. You’re just so sassy about everything else that I just assumed this wouldn’t be any different.”

He rolls his eyes. “Well I’ll refrain for the duration of your show. Now, spread your legs and get to it.”

Well _that_ goes straight to your crotch. Gah, these men will be the death of you.

You spread them just enough to fit a hand between your thighs, still shy despite everything. Sure, he’s _technically_ seen you naked before but you were literally dying and covered in blood. Not exactly a good time. And his bored, lidded stare _really_ isn’t doing anything for you. He may be attractive but it only goes so far in turning you on if all he’s going to do is sit there.

He sighs and rolls his eyes again, clearly getting impatient.

“Are you going to do anything or am I going to have to take over?” he huffs, looking down his nose at you.

Well, _that_ certainly piques your curiosity. You wonder what he’ll do if you say yes. Honestly, anything would be better than watching him just stare at you.

“By all means go ahead!” you huff right back as you cross your arms. If he’s going to be a little pissant about it then so will you.

The dark smirk he gives you _almost_ makes you regret it.

“You asked for it, my doll,” he purrs as he raises one of his hands. You watch as he twitches his fingers, brows furrowing in confusion as you try to figure out just what the hell he’s doing.

You yelp as your legs are suddenly yanked wide open by some invisible force; small, warm little pinpricks of _something_ buzzing against your knees and ankles. You try to close them on instinct but find you can’t. Whatever jutsu he’s using on you is just too strong. You pout at him.

“A little warning would have been nice, Sassy!” you spit with a mild glare. His smirk just grows wider.

“You told me to take over and I did,” he says with another twitch of his beautiful fingers. You gasp as you lose control of your hands and arms next; untangling themselves from their crossed position to rest over your thighs instead. Another twitch of his fingers has your own spreading yourself open for him, the comparatively cool air of the room against your heated flesh making you shiver. His eyes darken as he moves your other hand to rest just above your pubic mound, close enough to tease but not to touch. “Since you won’t dance for me I’ll just have to make you do it myself.”

And that’s all the warning you get before he’s making you touch yourself.

Your breath hitches as your fingers make contact, clit quickly swelling under your touch. It’s feather-light; testing. You watch as he swirls his fingers, your own following the movement. You groan and let your head fall back, ready to let him take over.

It feels…strange…doing it this way. Even though it’s your fingers making the moves your brain is completely detached from them, has no control or say. It’s honestly a little jarring. Exciting, but jarring all the same. Despite everything, though, you can’t deny that giving up control like this to him is more than a little hot.

“Please press a bit harder, Sassy,” you ask a little breathlessly when his feather-light touches aren’t enough anymore. You try to do it yourself but your fingers resist the movement, not even letting you so much as twitch them on your own.

He just snorts, leaning back in your chair as he gets more comfortable. “You handed control over to _me_ , remember?” he says flatly with another swirl of his fingers. He smirks when you buck and groan; pinpricks of what you assume to be chakra attaching to your hips to hold them in place. “What makes you think I’m going to do what _you_ want?”

“Pleeeeease,” you beg as he tortures you with another too-light touch. “Please, Sasori! Just a little harder! Please!”

“Well, I suppose you _did_ ask me nicely,” he teases as he finally gives you what you want. You gasp as he moves your fingers to press right over your clit, pressing them down firmly before making them give you a good, strong rub. He smirks as he picks up the camera with his free hand and takes the first picture of the night. You’re too focused on the lovely friction between your legs to even feel shy about it.

He taunts you like that for the next several minutes; making your fingers rub and swirl and tease as he keeps your hips pinned firmly in place with nothing but his chakra. Your cunt quickly starts to ache, slicking in anticipation of being filled.

“Please, Sasori,” you beg again as he fans your fingers into a ‘V’ shape around your clit and makes you buck up into him. The camera’s bulb flashes again as he takes another picture of you with your hips still in the air; feet planted firmly on the bed as you ride your own hand. “Please let me finger myself. I ache so badly.” 

“Patience, my doll,” he purrs as he lowers your hips back to the mattress. “I was getting to that.”

You watch through hazy eyes as he tilts his entire hand, yelping immediately after as you’re suddenly flipped over onto your front. You don’t get a chance to say anything before your ass is being yanked up and your legs once again spread by whatever jutsu he’s using; fully exposing your backside and dripping cunt to his scrutiny. Your face flushes as you feel your head move to look over your shoulder, pouting as you once again meet his pretty face and eyes. He just smirks again as he takes another picture.

Before you can get upset, though, he makes you slip a hand between your legs, three fingers sinking easily into your soaking cunt soon after. You moan as he starts to move them, gently pumping them in and out of your slick heat as the fingers of your other hand join in to play with your clit. The camera’s bulb flashes again.

He flips you back over before you can come, moving to stand at the end of the bed with the camera in one hand as the fingers of the other twitch and make your own go right back to playing with yourself. You stare up into his pretty face with hazy eyes, cunt clenching around your fingers at the dark, almost predatory look you see there. He gives you a sharp little grin as he brings the camera up in preparation to take yet another picture, making your fingers curl inside you as the others pinch at your clit.

You choke as you come, eyes squeezing shut as you throw your head back in obvious pleasure. Your body all but locks up as you ride it out, Sasori blessedly keeping your fingers firmly in place as is runs its course. You’re panting when you come back to yourself, body flushed and hot.

“Well, that was quite the show, my doll,” Sasori purrs as he gives you back control of your limbs. You just continue to stare up at him with lidded eyes, body feeling strangely heavy. “I could easily see you becoming my new favorite puppet. You were quite fun to play with.”

And with one last picture of your ‘fucked silly’ face he takes his leave, shutting your door softly behind him as he no doubt heads off to his own room to develop the photos.

You just roll your eyes as you sit up and get ready to go take your shower.

*

Itachi’s just poofing the week’s groceries into the storage scroll when you hear it.

The saddest, most pitiful meow you’ve ever heard.

You perk up and glance around immediately, curious to find out where it’s coming from.

“Did you two hear that?” you ask, walking around to look behind the trees. “It sounded like a cat.”

Another meow, a bit louder than the first. It must be getting closer.

“It sounds like it’s coming from over here,” Kisame says as he starts heading a little ways to the right of where you are. You and Itachi follow.

Sure enough, you find a cat a little ways further into the woods. It stops when it sees you, meowing raspily as its bent tail twitches. The poor, scrawny thing has definitely seen better days. Besides its bent tail it only has one good eye, the other completely scabbed over and most likely missing entirely. Both of its ears are chewed down to nearly the nub, skin jagged and uneven. Clearly it’s gotten into more than a few fights with the local wildlife. You can’t quite tell what color it is under the dirty mats of its fur, but if you had to guess you’d say it’s a gray, short-haired tabby.

“Hi, baby,” you coo lowly as you crouch down to wiggle your fingers at it. “Come here, kitty kitty. I just want to say hi.”

It rasps at you again as it perks its tail in curiosity, eagerly prancing over to sniff at your fingers. Clearly this cat was once domesticated. It must have run away and gotten lost or was dumped by some heartless asshole. Once it deems you safe it immediately rubs up against your hand, back arching under your touch in a silent demand for pets. You coo in delight as you eagerly concede, running your fingers down its back to scratch at the spot above its tail. It starts to purr, warm and rumbly.

Okay, so this is _your_ cat now. There’s no way you’re going back to the base without it. You’ve always wanted a pet and you’re sure it’ll do wonders to keep you company while all the guys are away.

You glance up at Kisame and Itachi with big doe eyes.

“…I suppose you want to keep it, then?” Itachi asks kindly, expression soft. You just nod as you keep scratching.

“I’ve always wanted a pet,” you explain simply. “I wasn’t allowed to have one before. And I get lonely while you all are away. I think having one around to keep me company would help.”

“I see,” Itachi says as he walks over to crouch down beside you, also holding a hand out for it to sniff. It does so for a moment before bumping his fingers with its head. Itachi just smiles as he gently starts scratching between its ears, your heart melting at the soft sight. “I personally see no problems with taking it back. The base is more than big enough for another little member.”

“Do you think the others would be okay with it?” you ask, a little worried at the thought. What if they make you get rid of it? Kakuzu and Sasori in particular don’t exactly seem like animal people. They’re definitely not ‘people’ people, that’s for damn sure.

“If any of them have a problem with it they can take it up with me,” Kisame rumbles as he strolls over to join your little group. He, too, crouches down to give up his hand in offering. You’re very pleased when your tiny new god eagerly accepts. Kisame is, too, if his resulting grin is anything to go by. “If our pretty kitty wants a kitty of her own then you can damn well have one.”

You flush, pleased and a little embarrassed. These two are just too sweet to you.

“Thank you, Kisame,” you say quietly. You turn your attention back to the cat in front of you, thinking. Clearly it’s going to need a bath when you get back, most likely with dish soap since it probably has fleas. You’re going to need a comb, too, to brush out all those mats. You wonder if Sasori can fix up its eye. It’ll also need food, a litter box and litter, maybe a few toys…

And a name. It’ll definitely need a name.

“I wonder if you’re a girl or a boy,” you murmur as you reach out to pick it up. You can’t keep calling it ‘it’, after all. It just keeps purring as it lets you scoop it into your arms, gently holding up its tail to look under it. “Well, it looks like you’re a girl. I wonder if you’re fixed…” You gently roll her over onto her back in your arm, parting the hair on her lower tummy with your other hand to look for a small tattoo or surgery scar. You may have read a few books on pets back when you still lived at home. It was the closest you ever got to having one of your own.

Sure enough, she’s got a little vet’s mark; definitely someone’s former pet. Ferals don’t meow so eagerly and they definitely don’t approach so close to people. You’re relieved that she’s already fixed. It’ll certainly make matters a bit easier for all of you.

“Thankfully she’s already fixed,” you hum as you turn her back over. Sweet little things still purring away. You love her already. “That definitely helps.”

“She’s going to need a name,” Itachi quietly reminds you, once again reaching out to scratch between her ears. Clearly he’s as smitten as you are. It’s honestly adorable and you love him all the more for it. “Do you have any ideas?”

You look down at her and tilt your head, thinking.

“…Maneki,” you say after a moment.

Kisame chuckles. “Like those beckoning cat figurines?” he asks rhetorically. “How fitting.”

“They’re supposed to bring good luck,” you say with a shrug. “I’d say we’re pretty lucky to have found such a sweet little cat.”

“I’d say she’s pretty lucky, too, kitten,” Kisame teases with a ruffle of your hair. “After all, she gets to go home with _you_.” You flush so bad you’re sure you could power a flashlight. Kisame just laughs.

“I suppose you’ll need to head back into town to gather some supplies,” Itachi says as he gently takes her from your arms. She snuggles right up, leaning into his chest as she continues to purr. His little smile makes your heart melt.

“Yeah. I’ll need you to un-poof my backpack, though,” you hum as you watch them. You wish you had the camera. You’ll just have to take a bunch of pictures later. “My money’s in it.”

“Here,” Itachi says as he shifts the newly-dubbed Maneki into one of his arms to free up the other. He uses it to dig into one of his pockets, pulling out his small wallet a moment later. He passes it to the hand under Maneki before digging out a few bills and handing them to you.

“Oh! Uh, thanks,” you say as you take it. “I’ll pay you back when we get back to base.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he says, turning that soft smile on you and making your heart do somersaults in your chest. “I want to help.”

You grin. “Thanks, Itachi,” you say sweetly as you lean in to give him a ‘thank-you’ kiss on the cheek. You beacon Kisame down so that you can give him one, too. He grins as he leans down, giving you easy access to his cheek for a gentle smooch. “And thank you for being willing to defend her honor, Kisame,” you hum as you pull back. You turn to start heading back into town, already making a mental list of everything you’ll need.

“I’ll be back in about an hour!” you call with a wave and a grin. “Don’t get into _too_ much trouble while I’m gone!” They watch until you’re out of sight before turning to look at the cat in Itachi’s arms.

“…So are you going to be carrying _______ or the cat back home?” Kisame teases with a toothy little smirk. 

“I assure you that I am more than capable of carrying both,” Itachi replies coolly as he resumes petting down Maneki’s back. Kisame’s smirk just grows wider.

“Hey, don’t go getting all greedy on me, now!” he jokes as he reaches out to scratch between her ears. “You can only carry _one_ back. Make your choice, partner.”

Itachi narrows his eyes slightly as he thinks it over. It’s really not a hard choice, but he makes a show of it anyway.

“…You wanna rock, paper, scissors to see who gets to carry ________?” Kisame suggests with a snicker.

“No,” Itachi replies evenly as his face softens back to its usual passiveness. “You carried her here so it’s only fair that I take on the burden of carrying her back. You may carry Maneki.”

Kisame just throws his head back and laughs.

*

A little over an hour later you’re back with everything one needs for a new pet cat.

Carrying the bag of litter sucked the most, though. You managed to drape the heavy thing over your shoulder to free up your hands, at least. You use them to carry the clean new litter box with everything else inside; mostly food and toys. You also went ahead and picked up a small scratching post and some deterrent spray for the furniture just in case. You already have dish soap you can use at home and Maneki will be more than welcome to sleep on your bed. You’re getting giddy just thinking about it.

After poofing everything you set off; Kisame carrying a surprisingly-chill-about-the-whole-ninja-running-thing Maneki in his arms while Itachi carries you on his back. You talk their ears off almost the whole way back, wondering out loud what the others will think of her and just throwing out random cat-facts you remember from books. If you have any specific questions you’re sure Tobi can answer them since he used to live around so many.

Maneki is sweet and good all the way to the base. She’s still purring away as you all put up the groceries. When you go to give her a much-needed bath, though, that’s when all hell breaks loose.

As soon as her paws hit the warm water in the kitchen sink she completely loses her shit; hissing and twisting in on herself like a demon from a horror movie as she desperately tries to get away.

“Maneki!” you hiss right back as she starts to dig her claws into your forearm. You yelp and pull away, blood immediately welling from the shallow cuts. She takes the opportunity to claw her way out of the sink, water splashing everywhere as she scrambles free. “Shit!”

She’s gone in a flash, sprinting out of the kitchen and into the dining room like her tail just caught fire. You just run after her since it’s all you really _can_ do. “Maneki come back!”

Itachi’s just coming back from the bathroom as Maneki dodges around his legs and turns out into the hall, eyes going wide as he watches you barrel towards him. You hit the proverbial breaks just soon enough to avoid a full-on crash, instead stumbling into his open arms as he catches you.

“Sorry, Itachi!” you apologize as you immediately pull back. Best you get your cat before someone else does. “Maneki freaked when I tried to give her a bath!”

He smiles softly as you step around him to continue the chase, following behind you to help. “Most cats do,” he teases as you both run down the hall. “I should’ve warned you.”

She veers down the hallway with all the bedrooms just as Tobi’s door opens and he steps out. She takes the opportunity to dart inside, shooting between his legs before he can fully register just what the hell is going on. Well, thankfully it’s not Sasori or Kakuzu. You very much doubt either of them would take very kindly to having a cat in their room.

“You got a cat?!” Tobi squeals with an excited clap of his hands as you both slow to a stop in front of him.

“Yeah,” you pant as you try to regain some of your breath. You weren’t expecting it to be quite this exciting. “We found her in the woods on our grocery run.”

“That’s amazing! Just last week we were talking about how we should get one!” he continues as he turns to head back inside, waving for you to follow. Once both you and Itachi are in he shuts the door. Both of them watch on silently you drop to your knees to look under the bed. Sure enough she’s curled up in the middle of the space, just out of your reach.

“Hey, baby kitty, it’s okay,” you coo lowly as you softly tap your fingers against the floor. “We’re not going to hurt you. We just want to get you all nice and clean!” She just tries to flatten her stubby ears and hisses at you. Ungrateful little shit.

“Maybe it would be better if one of us tried,” Itachi says gently as he crouches down next to you. “Right now she still associates you with the bath. Why don’t you go ahead and sit on Tobi’s bed so she can’t see you?”

You can’t help but roll your eyes and huff as you push yourself up to follow his suggestion. Only two hours with your new pet and she already hates your guts. Great. Just your luck.

You sit cross-legged on the bed as you fold your arms and pout, leaning over to better see Itachi. Tobi remains surprisingly quiet as he watches, obviously not wanting to scare Maneki himself. Itachi moves to rest on his knees, looking under the bed as he makes that cute little clicking ‘tsktsktsk’ noise to get her attention. Things go quiet for a long moment as he lets her think it over, then –

She crawls out, stubby ears perked and tail upright. Itachi smiles and scoops her up before standing. Though your heart melts at the sight you also can’t help but be a little jealous; of both Itachi _and_ your cat. You wish _you_ could snuggle up to him like that.

“Aww, she’s so cuuuute!~” Tobi coos as he eases over to let Maneki sniff his hand. You’re infinitely pleased when she bumps her head against it. Tobi just coos again as he starts scratching between her ears. “Have you named her yet?”

“Maneki,” you answer simply as you hop off his bed. “We decided to go with Maneki.”

“Like those lucky cat figures?” Tobi asks rhetorically. “That’s funny!” 

“_______ decided it was very fitting,” Itachi agrees as he moves to head back out into the hall, strolling back towards the kitchen. You and Tobi both follow.

He stops by the still-full sink, setting her gently on the counter next to it before bending down a bit to look her in the eye. You don’t see what he does but a moment later she instantly relaxes, furry body losing all of its tenseness as she once again starts purring.

“What on earth did you do?” you ask as he picks her up and eases her into the sink. She doesn’t even _try_ to fight him. She just goes right into the warm water without a single hiss or spit or claw. Just sits her fuzzy ass right down and lets Itachi start scooping water over her back.

“I put her under a mild genjutsu,” he explains as he reaches for the dish soap. “She thinks she’s sunbathing right now.”

“Oh.” Well, _that_ certainly sounds like both a useful and terrifying power. You’ll just file that away for later.

You go to clean the scratches on your arm as Itachi finishes up her bath; Tobi eagerly running off to grab a towel when the time comes to dry her off. You let him do the honors while you dig out the pet comb you bought to work out her mats. The three of you move to the living room to sit on the floor and chat while you work, Maneki remaining surprisingly compliant while you gently work out her many, many tangles.

“That is the ugliest cat I’ve ever seen, yeah,” Deidara pipes up from the hall entryway as he strolls into the living room. Hidan and Kisame follow behind him since this is usually about the time you start on dinner and they’ve all taken to sitting in the dining room to talk while you work. You roll your eyes.

“Looks aren’t everything, Dei,” you reply dryly as you glance up to shoot him a disapproving look. “She’s a sweetheart and you _will_ treat her like the fuzzy little angel that she is.”

Hidan comes to a stop right next to you, crouching down to get a better look at your newest member. “This thing isn’t going to take all of your attention now, is it?” he pouts as he reaches out to gently poke her between her ears. You just roll your eyes again. Toddlers, all of them.

“No, Hidan,” you reassure as you move to scoop up the sizeable hairball you put off to the side before standing. “You’ll all still get your fair share of attention. If anything you should be excited because now you’ll get attention from her, too.” Hidan just snorts as he stands to follow you into the kitchen like the over-grown toddler that he is.

“I don’t want _her_ attention,” he purrs as you throw away the hairball and move to wash your hands. You feel his arms wrap around your middle a moment later, his chin resting on your shoulder. “I want _yours_.”

“Well you can have it later,” you hum with a pat to his arms. “Right now I have to start on dinner.” He just smirks as he gives you a gentle squeeze before letting you go.

The party moves to the dining room while you work, the guys all sitting either at the table or on the floor as they take turns using the new cat toys to play with Maneki. Clearly she’s still fairly young if her bright-eyed, enthusiastic energy is anything to go by. She chases the jingly balls and fights with the feather toys with all the raw joy of a kitten. Even Hidan eventually decides he wants a turn, laughing as he watches her jump up to catch the toy he dangles over her head.

You’re all just getting ready to sit down to dinner when Kakuzu comes through the door, no doubt to grab his own plate before tromping off to his room again. Maneki perks up at his entry, no doubt intrigued by this new person.

…Then she promptly starts to prance over to him. Fuck! Shit! Doesn’t she realize how dangerous he is?! You thought animals were supposed to be able sense that kind of thing!

Kakuzu glances over at the movement, red-green eyes narrowing as they hone in on your new fuzzy friend.

Your heart freezes in your chest, fear gripping at your lungs.

He’s going to kill your cat.

You act before you can think it through – sprinting over to scoop her up just as she gets within a few feet of the scary, murderous asshole glaring her down. You scramble back immediately after, never taking your eyes off the man you’re sure would kill you both in a heartbeat. His own eyes just narrow further.

“You got a cat?” he growls, attention focused on you, now.

“You got a problem with that, Kakuzu?” Kisame growls right back as he steps in front of you, his broad, muscled back filling the entirety of your vision. You poke your head around his bulk to add your own glare to the mix. That asshole is in for it _now_. “Because if you do you can take it up with _me_.”

The air goes thick with tension, the rest of the guys going dead quiet as they watch the stare down.

Finally, after a long, aching moment, Kakuzu snorts.

“If that thing starts tearing up the furniture I’ll kill it.”

And with that he swipes up his food and lumbers away back down the hall. You relax only marginally.

“Thank you, Kisame,” you murmur as you give Maneki a comforting squeeze before putting her back down. Kisame just grins and ruffles your hair.

“Don’t worry about it, sweetheart,” he hums as he strolls back over to his spot at the table, casual as ever.

The rest of dinner passes mostly as normal – with banter and chatter and laughter as Maneki weaves through your legs under the table after finishing her own meal.

If Itachi notices the way you sneak her bites of your own dinner (which you’re sure he does) he doesn’t say anything about it.

*

Kakuzu comes to you again that night.

Neither of you breathes a word as he heads over to his usual spot at your desk, you following behind after shutting (but not locking) the door.

Nothing is said as he unzips his pants and you sink to your knees. The only part of him you touch is what’s between his legs, the only part he touches of you your hair. You can’t decide if you’re more angry or grateful for it.

You take care of him as quickly as you can; sucking and swirling and running your soft little hands over the beautiful length of him. His breath hitches, low, erotic groans in his throat as his fingers tighten in your hair. Thighs twitching with barely-held restraint. Red-green eyes lidded in pleasure and hazy with something that makes your cunt clench. Tan, stitched skin dusted with a lovely flush. You just carefully keep your hands busy with _him_ so you don’t use them on yourself.

He doesn’t deserve it.

You swallow him down as he comes, standing when he’s finished. You don’t even look at him as you walk over to your bed, crawling on and settling back next to a sleeping Maneki as you once again grab up your book and pretend to read.

Neither of you say a thing as he zips up and leaves.

You shove a hand down your shorts as soon as your door is closed, desperate for relief.

You don’t even know who you hate more at this point -- him or yourself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always a big thank you to my wonderful betas ToMakeMeTame and SaltySeaFarms! I really appreciate you guys! <3
> 
> Stay safe, sane, and thanks for reading!


	17. Dreaming of Reality

He hates you.  
  
Scratch that. He doesn't hate you. Quite the opposite, actually.  
  
He hates what you've DONE to him.  
  
He hates the thoughts, the fantasies, the feelings you make him entertain. He hates the dreams of you that leave him panting, the ones that leave his chest aching, the mornings he wakes up without you by his side.  
  
And you have no damn idea about any of it.  
  
You don't know how crazy you've made him, how out of his mind. How would you even feel if you knew? Would you be flattered? Pleased?  
  
...Scared?  
  
He tries not to think about the last one. On some deeply buried level he knows that this lightning quick obsession he's developed for you is far from normal. Further from healthy.  
  
It wasn't supposed to turn out this way. The plan was simply to give the men another outlet for their stress and frustrations, to help rein in their more violent impulses, to give them something to look forward to between long stretches of lonely road. Make them more malleable, more easily controlled, more likely to stick around. If he, too, decided to indulge in your services from time to time well then that would just be an extra perk.  
  
…But then _you_ strolled in with your ready laughter and smile like spring sunshine and a heart softer than it has any right to be. The moment you knocked on his bedroom door on that second day asking if he was alright he knew he was in trouble. When you offered to help and then went out of your way to make him, a practical stranger, soup and toast and tea he knew he was a goner. He didn't stand a snowball's chance under warmth like that.  
  
He dreamed of you that very night. Of you standing in a quaint little kitchen bathed in the soft evening light coming from the window above the sink, catching on the ring on your left hand and making it glint. He dreamed of a child on your hip; a pretty little girl with his own dark hair and eyes and your beautiful sunshine smile. He dreamed of being happy.  
  
...And woke up feeling angry. At you. At himself.

At the rest of the whole damn world.  
  
You have no idea how many times he's considered taking you for himself, just stealing you away and making those dreams a reality. But that wouldn't be fair, wouldn’t be right, wouldn’t be conducive to his original plan.

Besides, he knows life will eventually find _some_ way to burn this beautiful new bridge out from under him and plunge him straight back into hell.  
  
So he leaves you alone; bathes in the light of your warm but divided affections from afar. He orbits your sun like a cold, lonely moon, reflects your blinding light like a fractured mirror. Constantly tortures himself with the possibilities.  
  
It's for the best, really. He already feels like a horrible, selfish traitor. After all, why should he get the chance to dream of such things when Rin never got to? God, you remind him so much of her. He hates it.

(He doesn’t actually hate it. He _should_ , but he _doesn’t_.)  
  
Well, you’re not _entirely_ the same, of course. Sweet and playful as you may be you still possess a sharp tongue and wry humor that Rin never had. Perhaps she would have developed something like it later if she had been given the chance. War tends to bring things like that out even in the kindest of people, after all. It's an easy coping mechanism, a small relief for the mind, a survival method for the soul. Maybe that's why he's so drawn to you. You're what she could have grown up to be. What he could have had with her. A dream he can actually touch, can actually make real.  
  
As he watches you wave off the last of the other members with that sunshine smile on your pretty face he decides to finally taste a little of that dream. Just to take the edge off. Just to warm his bones.  
  
After all, surely he deserves to finally indulge one of his own after all the work he’s put towards making others’ real.

*

It’s a gorgeous early June day when you finally get the chance to plant those flower bulbs you bought on your last trip into town.

Luckily the horticulturist assured you that most of these particular flowers are late summer and early fall bloomers. Hopefully they’ll grow enough for you to enjoy later this year.

You hear the back door open and glance up to see Tobi stepping outside. You can’t help but grin at his outfit. Over his usual black pants and long-sleeve shirt combo he’s wearing the bright green apron that came with the “couples” gardening set you bought on sale; matching lime green gloves on his hands. The wide-brimmed straw sun hat is unexpected, though. It’s honestly adorable; even though it’s obviously a woman’s hat. The bright yellow ribbon around the base contrasts quite nicely with the green.

“I like your hat, Tobi,” you compliment as he closes the door behind him. “It’s cute.”

“I’m glad you like it!” he chirps brightly as he skips over to where Maneki is lazily watching you sort everything. “Especially since Tobi got you one, too.~”

Sure enough he’s holding another hat just like it. You blink at it in surprise as he holds it out towards you, wiggling in place in excitement.

“You didn’t have to get me anything, Tobi!” you say as you tilt your head at him, frowning slightly. You’re not really used to receiving gifts. It makes you…strangely uncomfortable.

“I wanted to!” he insists, holding out the hat a bit closer. “You didn’t have to get flowers to plant around the base but you did anyway!”

You shrug and glance away, feeling sheepish. “I just…wanted something pretty to look at when I sit outside.”

He tilts his head at you. “But we’ll all still get to enjoy them! Please take it. I want us to match!”

“…Alright,” you concede with a soft smile as you gently take it from him. You lean in and give him a sweet kiss on the ‘cheek’. “Thank you, Tobi.”

“You’re very welcome, ________!” he chirps as he claps his hands together. You pull the hat on and do a playful little twirl, grinning like a goofy schoolgirl.

“How do I look?” you joke as you tilt the brim up to see him better.

“Good enough to eat!” he coos as he wraps you up in a tight bear hug and nuzzles his ‘cheek’ against yours.

You flush as you instinctively return his hug. Were he any other member you would have taken his words as a double entendre. But since it’s, well, _Tobi_ you’re dealing with you decide to take them at face value. There’s no way he’s flirting with you. He’s just being goofy.

“Well, you look pretty darn cute yourself,” you tease with a finger flick to the brim of his hat as he pulls back. “That lime green goes really well with the bright orange of your mask.”

“Oh, stop it!” he titters, waving a hand dismissively as he presses the other to his cheek in mock bashfulness. “You’re making me blush!”

“I guess I better, then. I wouldn’t want you to overheat!” You glance over his outfit again, losing some of your playful edge. It’s finally starting to get warm, after all, and you’re worried his dark, full-coverage clothing will become too much for him; especially since you’ll be doing physical labor. “Seriously, though, are you going to be okay wearing all that? You don’t want to change into some shorts and a tee shirt instead? I really don’t want you to overheat.”

He waves off your concern. “Tobi will be fiiine. Trust me! I can regulate my chakra to help me keep cool if I get too hot.”

“Well _that_ sure sounds handy,” you hum as you pick up one of the buckets with the bulbs and gardening tools and start heading down the porch steps; Maneki following along behind. “You ninja sure do have a lot of neat tricks.”

“Oh, Tobi is _very_ handy!” he chirps as he grabs the other bucket and catches up to stroll beside you. “He also has _lots_ of neat tricks he’d love to show ________! All she has to do is ask nicely.~”

Aaand the flush is back. Jeez, what’s with you today? The guys’ dirty minds must be rubbing off on you.

“I’ll definitely have to ask you later, then,” you reply with a smile. “I _love_ watching you guys do jutsus.”

You come to a stop near the small gazebo where the freshly-dug flowerbeds wait. You have Deidara to thank for doing the heavy lifting on that end. Apparently the little pyromaniac has a talent for Earth-style jutsus and just prefers to use his clay instead. You’d loved watching him work; even though it was over so quickly. Seeing the earth split and tear so easily under his palms after only a few hand signs really was amazing.

“Thanks again for helping me, Tobi,” you say as you set your bucket down. Maneki prances over to the gazebo and hops up onto the railing, no doubt to have a good view of the action while she lounges. “You really didn’t have to offer.”

You really had been planning on doing this part yourself. You’d been on your way out the door when he caught you; dressed in your own bright green apron and gardening gloves and smelling of sunscreen. Not that you mind the help, any. Especially from Tobi. He’s a sweetheart and surprisingly easy to be around. Well for you, anyway. Most of the other guys can’t seem to tolerate him for very long.

“But Tobi _likes_ helping you!” he replies brightly as he sets his own bucket down next to yours. “Besides, this is the first time I’ve had you all to myself! I don’t want to waste it.”

You blush as you reach into your bucket to grab the matching lime green trowels. It’s just you and Tobi at the base today. Everyone else had been sent away on missions and the earliest any of them will be back is the day after tomorrow.

“Well, thank you for keeping me company, too,” you say easily as you hand him one of the tiny shovels. “It gets lonely around here pretty quick when you all are gone; even with Maneki to help.”

His hand brushes against yours as he takes it. “Don’t worry, ________,” he giggles. “I promise I won’t let you get lonely.~”

God, at this rate _you’re_ going to be the one passing out from heat stroke. Barely three months with these guys and your mind has already taken up residence in the gutter right next to theirs.

…Eh, who are you kidding? Your mind was in the gutter long before now. The _Icha Icha_ books on your desk are testament to that. Still, that doesn’t mean poor, sweet Tobi deserves to be subjected to the depraved machinations of your sick brain.

“I know you won’t,” you say sweetly with a smile. “Now, what do you think? Should we interchange one type of flower after the other or should we separate them into their own rows?”

The next couple of hours pass quickly and in good camaraderie. Tobi really is easy to be around. He takes your goofy jokes and light-hearted teasing all in good stride; often trading them with jokes and teasing of his own. You don’t have to worry about him dragging you off for an impromptu “session” or accidentally saying the wrong thing and provoking a fiery temper so it’s easy to let your guard down. You often find yourself wondering how on earth he got in with the rest of this scary, highly dangerous group of shinobi.

You wipe at the sweat on your brow as you move to stand, watching as Tobi sweeps some dirt over the last of the bulbs.

“Well, that’s the last of them,” you sigh as you stretch your back. You wince a little when it pops. Looks like a long soak in the bath is in order. “Thanks again, Tobi.”

“No problem, ________,” he hums as he pats the dirt down before standing up himself. “I can’t wait until these grow in! Hopefully they’ll be at least half as pretty as you are!~”

God, it’s like this man is determined to keep your face hot.

“Honestly, I just hope most of them _grow_ ,” you say as you stack the empty buckets and throw your trowel into the top one. “I’ve never really tried to grow anything before. I’m not sure if I have much of a green thumb.”

“I’m sure they’ll be fine,” Tobi reassures as he tosses his own shovel in. “All you have to do is water them some, right? Water and plenty of sunshine. That’s a lot simpler than most of the food you make!”

“That’s true,” you hum as you untie your apron and pull off your gloves to toss in as well. “Anyway, you go ahead and go shower up. I need to water these first.”

“I’ll help you!” he offers brightly as he throws his own apron into the bucket. He keeps the gloves on. “I’ll go get the hose!”

He’s off before you can protest; bounding over to the side of the building with the hose and water faucet. You just smile and shake your head as you grab the lower bucket’s handle and start heading towards the shed to put everything up. He’s running back just as you’re shutting the door, running water hose in hand. 

“How much water should I put on them?” he asks as you make your way back over.

“The guy I got them from said to water them just enough to make the ground a little soggy. …Yeah, that looks good.”

You turn the hose off when every bulb is watered and Tobi winds it up behind you. You all tromp back into the house a minute later, you and Tobi making sure to take off your dirty shoes and set them on the floor mat at the entrance before heading towards the kitchen. Maneki breaks off towards the living room instead, most likely to continue lounging on the couch. You personally make a beeline for the fridge and start rummaging around in it, pulling back a moment later with a full pitcher you made up earlier that afternoon.

“Do you want some iced green tea, Tobi?” you ask as you set it on the counter and go to pull out a glass. 

“Yes please!”

You smile as you pull down two large glasses. You fill them both and drop a clean reusable straw in one before handing it to Tobi, who takes it with a bright “thanks!” You gulp yours down just slow enough to avoid brain-freeze, completely unaware of the dark eye that watches the delicate swallows of your throat with keen, almost predatory interest.

“Ah, that hit the spot!” you sigh as you set the empty glass down on the counter. You fill it up again about half way and down that, too, before putting the pitcher back in the fridge. You put your cup near the sink to use later and turn to head towards your room.

“I’m going to go get cleaned up,” you tell Tobi with a wave and a smile. “I’ll start on dinner afterward.”

Surprisingly, Tobi just nods. You don’t notice the way he watches you leave, his masked gaze following you until you’re out of sight.

Once in your room you throw the hat on a shelf in your closet and strip out of your dirty cloths, nose wrinkling slightly in disgust at the dampness that causes them to stick to your skin. You hum as you toss them into your hamper and put on your robe, eager to scrub up and have a long soak in the tub. Grabbing your shower caddy, you head back out to do just that.

…Only to run smack dab into a hard, muscular form standing in your doorway. 

You glance up, orange filling your vision.

“Did you need something, Tobi?” you ask, wrinkling your brow as you take a few steps back. He’s leaning against your doorframe, arms crossed and looking so suavely casual it’s almost startling. Tobi rarely sits still and he _never_ looks suave. His bright green gloves are gone, you notice; replaced with his usual black. His hat’s gone, too.

“Tobi needs a lot of things, ________,” he purrs, voice husky. “But right now what he needs most is _you._ ”

Your breath hitches, eyes going wide. There is absolutely no mistaking that tone, that suggestion. After all, you’ve heard it many, many times before from the others. You just never really expected it from _Tobi_.

“Are…are you sure?” you ask around a swallow. Does he even fully understand what he’s asking for? He just seems too childlike, too innocent. Maybe he’s just repeating what he heard from one of the guys without fully understanding its meaning.

“Oh, I’m _very_ sure,” he replies lowly, voice suddenly dropping several octaves. He pushes off of your doorframe, walking towards you with an almost sensual slowness. He stops when he’s but a scant few centimeters from you, head tilting down as he looks into your face. You can see the flash of a dark eye behind the opening of his mask, narrowed in even darker promise. He’s so close you’d be able to feel his breath on your lips were it not for that obnoxiously bright mask. You rub your thighs together unconsciously, heartbeat kicking up slightly at his proximity.

“Is this one of those ‘neat tricks’ you wanted to show me?” you murmur a bit breathlessly. Was all of his playful banter really flirting in disguise? Did he really understand all of the double meanings? Your conversation with Itachi flashes through your mind; invisible masks and coping mechanisms.

He chuckles; a low, deep sound that sends a silky shiver up your spine. God, when did his voice get so _deep_?

“Yes.” He tilts his head to the side, considering. “You just look so _cute_ when you’re flustered. I couldn’t help myself.”

“So you _were_ being a dirty little flirt,” you huff, narrowing your eyes at him. And here you were convinced that you’re just a dirty-minded pervert!

“I was just giving you compliments,” he says, tone teasing. “That your mind automatically registered them as double entendres is your own fault.”

Your eyes narrow further, clearly not falling for his bullshit. “ _Liar_.”

And in a big way, apparently. Who is this man and what did he do with your sweet Tobi?

He chuckles again. “Maybe. Now, do you want me to show you how ‘handy’ I can be or not?” 

You snort, face relaxing. You have more questions, but you’ll ask them later. For now you’ll just play along; curious to see where this will go. To see what this new side of Tobi is like. “Don’t you want me to get clean first?”

“Why bother when you’re just going to get dirty all over again right after?” he hums darkly, reaching up to run a gloved thumb over your soft lips. His other hand gently takes your caddy and sets it on the desk behind him. You shudder, thighs clenching tighter. Okay, yeah, so he _definitely_ knows what he’s asking for. There’s nothing childlike about that hunger in his eye, the way he’s tugging your bottom lip down ever so slightly. There’s nothing childlike about that body, either - all hard, toned muscle and broad shoulders that are obvious even under his slightly baggy clothing.

He reaches out with the hand that’s not cupping your chin to grab the end of one of your robe’s ties.

“May I?” he asks, voice a breathy whisper.

All you can do is nod, face and neck flushing.

He tugs it loose gently, pulling until your robe hangs open. He slides both of his hands to your shoulders and pushes it off, dark eye following the slow reveal of your skin on its way down. He sucks in a shallow breath.

“Well, the wait was certainly worth it,” he says as his gaze rakes over your body. “You really are beautiful.”

Your whole body suddenly feels far too warm.

“Thank you,” you reply shyly, glancing down to stare at his chest. You reach out and lightly tug at his shirt. “Do I get to see yours?”

He hums, low and deep in his throat. “Not this time. Maybe later, if you’re a good girl.”

Oh god, those words go straight to your crotch. Figures _you’d_ actually be the one to have a praise kink.

Hands still on your shoulders, he flips you around so that your back is flush against his solid chest, your butt pressing just under his groin. His shirt is soft against your rapidly sensitizing skin. As nice at it feels, though, you really wish he was bare instead.

“You’ve been so sweet to me, ________,” he murmurs in your ear; the cool, smooth wood of his mask pressing lightly against your cheek. One of his strong arms wraps around your waist, the muscles of his forearm flexing against your stomach. The hand of the other presses against your abdomen and slides down to rest its fingers against the soft curls nestled between your thighs. “Let me return the favor.”

And then he’s touching you.

You let out a low hiss at first contact. It’s feather-light; a just-barely-there brush of cotton against your swelling clit. He drags his finger up slowly, catching gently on your hood and making your hips buck.

“So sensitive,” he purrs as he runs it back down your slit just as slowly. “You really are an erotic little thing. Pain couldn’t have picked a better choice.”

You groan at his words, head lulling back to rest against his shoulder as he continues to drag that wonderful finger agonizingly slow against your heated flesh. You start grinding against his hand, desperate for him to pick up the pace.

He tuts in your ear. “Impatient girls don’t get what they want. Stop squirming or I’ll stop completely.”

You freeze, a low whine sounding in the back of your throat. He chuckles, brushing the bottom of his mask against your neck in an imitation of a kiss. “Patience, my dear. You’ll get what you want eventually if you keep being good for me.”

You swallow and nod. “Yes, Tobi.”

Another low chuckle sends a shiver racing up your spine. “Good girl.”

He adds another finger and presses them both firmly against your clit; rubbing slow, hard circles against and around your sensitive nub. Combined with the dry, rough fabric of his glove it’s a bit too much. You grunt and twitch back on instinct. He clicks his tongue.

“Too rough? Here.” He slides his fingers further down to your opening, letting out a pleased hum when he finds it already starting to get wet. He gathers up some of your slick on the tips of his fingers before dragging them back up to your pulsing clit. The damp press of his fingers is maddening. “Better?”

You gasp and nod, hips bucking against him again. The low, guttural groan he lets out as he grinds against the cleft of your ass is one of the most erotic things you’ve ever heard. You reach back to tangle your fingers in his hair, tugging gently. You tilt your head to the side and bury your face in his neck; breathing in his musky, earthy-sweet scent as you lightly nip at the flesh through his black nylon mask. He rewards you with a gentle tug to your hood and another buck of his hips.

This slow torture continues for several long minutes. He teases you, taunts you, rubs and slides his sinful fingers against your slick flesh until you’re aching to be filled. Any time the friction gets to be too much he dips them back into your body, slicking his fingers and teasing at what you could have before quickly withdrawing them to continue toying with your sensitive clit.

“Please, Tobi,” you beg, low and breathy. You scratch at his scalp and moan when he catches your clit and rubs it between the V of his fingers. You feel hot; every nerve alight and buzzing just under your skin. “Please…I need…I need…” you trail off with another moan.

“What do you need?” he murmurs huskily in your ear, the arm around your waist tightening as he softly bucks against your ass. You can feel his prominent hard-on, obvious even through his thick pants. “Use your words, darling.”

“Your…your fingers,” you groan through the pleasure-haze of your mind. “Inside me. _Please_.”

He chuckles, dark and deep. “Well, you _have_ been a good girl. I suppose I could indulge you…” 

With one last gentle pinch to your clit he finally slides his fingers lower, curling them into your tight, soaking cunt with ease.

“Oh, darling,” he breaths lowly. You wish so badly that you could feel his hot breath against your skin. Just the thought of it makes you shiver and break out in goose bumps. “You’re practically _dripping_.” 

You whine, desperately bucking into his fingers. “Please, Tobi.”

He doesn’t tease this time, immediately sliding his fingers in deeper and curling them until he catches on something that makes your eyes squeeze shut and your hips buck _hard_. He does it again, making you buck and keen.

“Beautiful…” he murmurs as he focuses his attention on that spot, rubbing and curling his fingers against it as the heel of his hand grinds against your slick clit.

You don’t last long.

After only a minute of this wonderful treatment you’re coming _hard_ ; hips bucking of their own will as every muscle in your body tenses and jerks. He lets out a long, loud groan as he feels you squeeze down tight around his fingers, chest vibrating against your back. He presses your bucking hips back against his crotch, pinning you firmly in place as you ride out your orgasm. When you finally come back to yourself you’re panting; body flushed and hot. He pulls his fingers out slowly and holds them up to your face.

“Now look at the mess you made,” he says with a cluck of his tongue. He spreads them apart, showing off the thick, sticky strands of your release shining between them. Slowly, he presses them to your lips. “Be a good girl and clean it up.”

You immediately obey, opening your mouth and letting him push his fingers inside. You groan at the taste as he presses them against your tongue, at the rough feel of his glove against your taste buds. His deep voice, his lewd words, your slick on his fingers…it’s all so erotically _dirty_.

“Will you keep being a good girl for me and take my cock?” he husks against your neck as you continue to suck his fingers. You moan at his words and nod, pressing your ass back against his straining erection.

He slowly pulls his fingers out of your mouth and unwinds his arm from your waist to take a step back.

“On the bed, darling,” he orders lowly with a soft pat to your ass. God help you, you don’t think you could disobey even if you _tried_. That voice is practically hypnotic; deep and commanding and obviously used to being obeyed. How on earth was such a voice hiding inside sweet, goofy Tobi?

You crawl on eagerly, adding a little more swing to your hips than strictly necessary as you do so. The low growl he responds with almost makes you giggle. Looks like you still have some power here. Once you reach the middle of the bed you stop and turn around to face him; curling your legs under you as you pin him with your sultriest bedroom eyes. Two can play this game.

“Do you have any idea what you do to me?” he growls as he stalks over to the side of the bed. “What you’ve _been_ doing to me?”

“I think I may have an idea,” you purr, glancing down at his obvious erection with a smirk.

“No,” he murmurs as he gently grabs your chin and tilts your face back up to look into his mask. There’s something in that impossibly dark eye that you can’t quite read, but it makes your heart catch. “You really don’t.”

Before you can say anything he’s pushing you onto your back and tugging off his scarf. He ties it around your eyes, reducing your world to the sound of his voice, the feel of his hands, and the earthy smell of his clothes.

“…But I’m about to show you.”

You hear shuffling; the rustle of clothes being removed, the sound of something relatively light hitting the bedcovers and soon taste is added to that list as his lips crash into yours.

It’s needy. Desperate. Longing. It completely takes your breath away, steals all the air from your lungs and replaces it with his kindling fire. His lips feel strange; half soft and smooth and half thick and rough like scar tissue. It’s far from unpleasant, though. Curious, you reach out to cup his face-

-Only to have your wrists snatched up by his hands before you can make contact.

His grip is firm but not painful; a quiet warning or perhaps just simple reflex. He pulls back from your kiss, still close enough that his hot breath fans across your lips.

“I just want to touch you, too, Tobi,” you murmur quietly, soothingly. “Please let me feel you. Let me be good to you, too.”

You hear his breath hitch, soft and quiet as he thinks it over.

“…Alright,” he breathes after a moment. His hands let go of your wrists in silent permission.

You move slowly, not wanting to startle him. Finally, delicately, your fingers make contact with his cheeks, your palms gently cupping his chin. Sure enough, the right half of his face is scarred; the skin rough and thick under your touch. You can feel the deep lines in it, the calloused folds telling a story of past pain.

“Life threw you a bit of a curveball, huh,” you murmur gently, lightly stroking your thumbs over his cheekbones.

He chuckles softly, moving to cup a hand over the one you have pressed against his scar as he turns his face to press a kiss to your palm.

“Life threw me a _lot_ of curveballs, my dear,” he mutters darkly into your skin. His tone is thick and bitter; choking. _Cherry cough syrup._

“…Do you want to talk about it?” you offer quietly, sincerely.

He hums; lips and cheek vibrating under your palm. “No.” It’s firm but not harsh. “But thank you. You really are far too sweet to us, ________.” 

Before you can say anything more his lips are back on yours, just as passionate as before. You bury your fingers in his hair and eagerly get lost in it, meeting his fevor with equal intensity. When you feel his tongue swipe over your lips you open your mouth immediately, groaning around him as the grassy taste of green tea and something distinctly _him_ overwhelms your senses. You never would have imagined him to be this good.

After he’s had his fill of your mouth he pulls back to trail his lips down your neck; hot, burning little kisses that make you shiver and moan.

“That’s it, darling,” he purrs against your skin. “Let me hear how much you’re enjoying yourself.”

You suddenly feel something hot and wet run up your chest between the valley of your breasts; obviously his tongue. You gasp and arch into him, your hands tightening their grip in his hair. He chuckles.

“Everything about you is practically irresistible, you know that?” he hums. You feel his hands slide down your sides to rest just above your hips, calloused against your smooth skin. “Your pretty face,” he presses a kiss to the tip of your nose. “Your sweet noises,” a kiss to your throat. “Your soft heart,” a kiss to your chest. “How did we get so lucky?”

You flush so bad you’re sure he can feel the heat of it under his hands.

“Just the luck of the draw, I guess,” you tease on reflex. God, why must you be this way? It was such a sweet moment!

He just chuckles and presses another gentle kiss to your chest. “Well, it’s good to know that luck can smile upon even us sometimes.”

Thankfully you’re distracted from saying anything else by the sudden sensation of something hot and wet engulfing one of your nipples. You gasp and arch into it instictively; hips bucking up against him on reflex. He hums lowly in satisfaction and you _whine_ ; the vibrations of it sending a fresh wave of heat between your legs. You feel a gentle pressure against your other nipple, skilled fingers rolling and pinching it between them.

“Tooobiiii,” you whine as you shiver under him, fingernails scraping gently against his scalp. You feel him grin against your skin before he switches breasts, laving his rough tounge against your other nipple while the former gets the attention of his fingers. When he’s finished they’re both so stiff they almost ache. He gently blows against them, breath pleasantly cool against your damp skin and making you shudder. 

“Please, Tobi,” you beg, the ache between your legs becoming almost unbearable. “Please just fuck me already! I _need_ you!”

His breath hitches, hands smoothing down your sides to rest on your hips.

“Oh, _darling_ ,” he groans lowly. “I would _love_ too…”

You feel those warm, rough-smooth lips of his press against your stomach before kissing a firey trail down to the top of your mound. You can’t help but tense a little in anticipation, your breath hitching in your chest.

“…But I want to taste you first.”

And then he presses a kiss straight to your aching clit.

You yelp and buck right up into him, desperate for more friction. He just lets out another deep, dark chuckle as he licks a hot stripe up your slit.

“Would you like to ride my face, my dear?” he asks lowly.

“Pleeeease,” you whine with another buck of your hips.

He chuckles again. God, this new voice of his is just too damn _sexy_. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

He presses the flat of his tongue firmly against you, hot and wet and rough in all the best ways. Then he pats your hip to let you know to get moving. You eagerly comply; bucking your hips up into that sinful mouth of his like your life depends on it. He doesn’t even _try_ to hold you down. He just presses back against every jerk and buck of your hips, leans into every brush of your clit against the tip of his nose. Whenever his tongue starts to get a little dry he pulls back to gently lap at your opening; wetting himself with your slick. Even though you can’t see it just knowing and feeling him do it is enough to drive you wild.

Since you’re still primed and sensitive from your first orgasm the second takes almost no time at all. All too soon you’re tensing under him; hips twitching as you choke and instinctively shove his head down against your crotch to ride it out. He just moans against you, the vibrations of it dragging it out beautifully.

When you come back to yourself your breathing is heavy; skin flushed hot and shining with a thin sheen of sweat. You feel the mattress dip around you as he crawls back up to hover over you again. 

“Would you like to taste yourself again, darling?” he husks against your lips.

You answer him with a ravenous kiss, lurching up to crash your mouth against his. His taste is almost dizzying; a pleasant mix of you and him and the green tea he drank earlier.

“Are you finally going to fuck me now?” you pant when you pull back.

“No,” he hums as you feel him shift. His cock presses against your dripping cunt a moment later, hot and pulsing. You instinctively warp your legs around his waist in anticipation.

“…I’m going to _ravish_ you.”

And then he’s inside; sliding all the way to the hilt with ease.

You gasp as he groans; low and deep right next to your ear.

“You feel even better than I imagined, my dear,” he husks against the shell of it, warm breath making you shiver. You pout.

“Don’t be a tease,” you huff with a buck of your hips, silently demanding he move.

He chuckles, making you shiver again. “And who are you to be making such demands?” he teases.

“Please, Tobi,” you beg with another buck. “Please fuck me. I need you so badly.”

He sucks in a breath before letting out a low groan. “Well, since you asked so _nicely~_ ”

He finally starts to move, setting a deep, steady pace that all too soon has you panting again.

You remove your hands from his hair to hook your arms under his shoulders, anchoring yourself against his heavy thrusts. He feels so good inside you, fills you up so nicely, drags against your walls just right. You never would have thought _Tobi_ of all people would be so good this way, could get you this worked up. It’s honestly the best kind of surprise.

One of his arms suddenly slips under your lower back, dragging your bottom half closer against him as he continues to pound into you. You gasp as it brings your sensitive clit into full contact with his abdomen, making it drag deliciously against his skin with each movement. He leans down to kiss you again, pushing his hot, wet tongue into your panting mouth and swirling it around yours.

You only last a few minutes, crying your pleasure into his mouth as you tense and shake and clench around him.

He groans back, thrusts slowing but not stopping as he fucks you through it.

After another couple of minutes he follows you with a hiss. He doesn’t come inside you, though. Instead you feel him pull out, liquid heat spurting across your stomach a moment later. His skin feels hot and slick under your hands, his chest heaving against your own as you both slowly come back down.

“Thank you, Tobi,” you pant when you finally catch your breath enough to talk. “That was wonderful.”

“I enjoyed it as much as you did, darling,” he purrs with a gentle parting kiss.

“So, uh…” you start as he pulls away completely. You sit up when you hear the rustling of clothes. He must be getting dressed. “How does this…change…things between us?”

“Why, whatever do you mean, _______?” he teases in his normal voice but you know he knows damn well what you’re talking about.

“Don’t go back to that, Tobi,” you reply a little more firmly. “This side of yourself is obviously not something you show to everybody. How am I supposed to treat you now that I’ve seen it? How am I supposed to act around you now that I know?”

“You’ll treat me the same as you always do, my dear,” he hums in that deep baritone as he pulls the scarf from your eyes. He’s fully dressed, now, his mask back on his face. You stiffen when you catch a glimpse of his eye. Instead of a dark, almost black iris a bright, swirling red gazes back at you. You’ve never seen such eyes before but something instinctively tells you to be wary of it.

“…Because you won’t remember any of this.”

*

You wake up with a sigh.

When on earth did you fall asleep? The last thing you remember you were getting ready to take a shower and have a soak after planting those flower bulbs with Tobi. You don’t remember feeling tired enough for a nap or even lying down at all.

You glance at your alarm clock. 6:37 pm. Over a half-hour past dinner time. Shit.

You groan as you sit up and pull the covers back. You’re still sticky with dried sweat and dressed in your bathrobe.

“Tobi’s glad to see that you’re finally awake, _______!” he chirps from your open doorway. You glance up to see him standing there, bouncing in place as he looks at you.

“Ah, I’m sorry, Tobi!” you apologize as you slide out of bed. “I didn’t realize I was so tired. I don’t even remember falling asleep!”

Tobi just waves you off. “Tobi doesn’t mind! In fact he took a nap, too!”

You chuckle as you scratch sheepishly at the back of your head. “Thank you, Tobi. Would you mind it if I took a quick shower before starting on dinner? There should be a couple of onigiri in the fridge if you’re hungry now.”

“I already ate them so I’m fine!” he says with a wave. “You go ahead and take your shower. I don’t mind waiting for one of your yummy meals.~”

“I promise I’ll be quick,” you hum with a wink as you grab your shower caddy off the desk. That nap honestly put you in a _really_ good mood. You haven’t woken up feeling so refreshed and relaxed in a long time. You don’t even feel like you need to soak in the tub anymore. “Is there anything in particular you’re in the mood to eat?” you ask as you make your way past him and out into the hall.

“Could we have pork dumplings?” he asks sweetly as he follows.

“That sounds good to me!” you reply with a smile. “I’ll start on them in a bit. I shouldn’t be longer than fifteen minutes.”

“Don’t rush too quickly, now!” Tobi chirps as he stops at the hall juncture, watching as you keep strolling on towards the bathroom. “And don’t forget to wash behind your ears!”

You laugh as you disappear through the archway, completely unaware of the blazing red eye that memorizes your every movement and facial expression. “I won’t!” 


	18. Two Steps Forward

This isn’t the first time you’ve watched them train.

This _is_ , however, the first time you’ve focused solely on them since the first time.

The first time you’d been blindsided by how amazing they all are; just completely enraptured in starry-eyed fangirlism as they sparred. When they broke out the ninjutsu you about lost your mind; all but vibrated out of existence in your excitement. Ninja are just too damn _cool._

The second time around, though, a very different part of your brain started to take notice of things. Like how delicious Kisame’s ass looks in those pants. How beautifully the sunlight catches on Hidan’s bare, sweat-damp chest. How hot Itachi and Deidara look when they’re panting and flushed from exertion. How sexy Sasori and Kakuzu are when they’re focused and in their element.

You’d excused yourself to go to the bathroom that time but made a beeline for your bedroom instead. After that you usually managed to rein in most of your baser urges by having a book in your hands and forcing yourself to look away from time to time to read a paragraph or two.

Today, though…

…Today you’re feeling particularly masochistic.

God, what is wrong with you? Is…is this normal? Does watching several highly attractive men train and spar turn other women on as well? Surely the slick starting to dampen your panties is a perfectly reasonable reaction to this scenario.

You unconsciously squeeze and rub your thighs together as the guys switch places; Itachi, Kakuzu, and Sasori switching in while Kisame, Hidan, and Deidara switch out for a break. You don’t notice how the latter three group together to murmur amongst themselves, occasionally glancing up from their little huddle to smirk your way. You’re far too busy trying to keep yourself from shoving a hand down your shorts to pay attention to much else. Well, other than the three gorgeous men getting warmed up for their sparring session, anyway. God, have you always been like this or did reading all that smut during your formative teenage years just ruin you?

“You look like you could use a hand there, sweetheart,” Kisame suddenly purrs from above you. You startle slightly as you blink up at him, core clenching at the dark, predatory smirk stretching his thin lips over those sharp, sharp teeth. Hidan and Deidara stand a little ways behind him, each with their own smirks on their handsome faces.

“…What gave me away?” you ask, resigned. You just _really_ suck at anything involving stealth, apparently.

“Well, you keep biting your pretty bottom lip for one, yeah,” Deidara chimes in as he crosses his arms over his chest.

“And you keep rubbing those gorgeous thighs of yours together like you’re trying to start a fire with ‘em, babe,” Hidan adds as his smirk widens into a predatory grin.

“So watching you all train got me worked up,” you admit with a huff as you cross your arms and pout up at them. “What are you all going to do about it?”

The simultaneous darkening of their eyes lets you know that you’re in for a _very_ good time.

It’s Kisame who scoops you up this time, carrying you bridal-style to your bedroom as the other two follow hot on his heels. They don’t even bother to lock the door after slamming it shut, instead just setting straight to work on stripping both you and themselves.

“ _God,_ kitten,” Kisame breathes when he gets to your panties; darkened with a prominent wet spot and sticking lewdly to your pussy lips. He crouches down to get a better look as he rubs his fingers over it reverently, chuckling at your resulting gasp and buck of your hips. “You’re already _soaked_. Just watching us got you this worked up?”

“ _Yes_ ,” you moan as you buck against his fingers again. You need them to touch you so badly. “ _Please._ ”

“Let me see,” Hidan huffs as he presses up against you from behind. He wastes no time slipping a hand down into your panties, sucking in a sharp breath when his calloused fingers come into contact with your slick cunt. “ _Fuck_ , babe. Kisame wasn’t lying. You’re absolutely _drenched_ down here.” You just whine and grind against his palm, desperate for friction. 

“Well get rid of those panties and let’s take care of her, yeah!” Deidara says as he finishes undressing, clearly impatient. Kisame smirks as he complies, fingers hooking in the elastic to tug them down your legs to pool at your feet.

“Think you’re slick enough to take me already or do you want my mouth and fingers first, kitten?” Kisame purrs as he looks up at you with dark, hungry eyes. You just moan and buck into Hidan’s hand again.

“I want your cock, Kisame,” you gasp. “ _Pleeease._ ”

“You got it, sweetheart,” Kisame answers with a widening smirk. He once again scoops you up and promptly deposits you on the bed before climbing on himself, situating himself back against the pillows with his gorgeous fully-hard cock already at attention. You waste no time straddling him, reaching between you to hold it steady as you sink down onto it with hazy eyes and a long, satisfied sigh. God, he always feels so amazing. Such a perfect stretch. Kisame groans as he moves his hands to rest on your thighs, head falling back as his thick fingers gently squeeze their approval.

“Don’t forget about us, yeah,” Deidara husks in your ear as he climbs on behind you, front pressing against the heated skin of your back as his hands take up residence on your hips. “Think you can take all three of us at once?”

“ _Yes,_ ” you moan as you lean back into him. You sure as hell want to _try_. Just the thought is hot enough to have your cunt clenching, Kisame grunting at the feeling.

“I haven’t had a chance to properly appreciate that sexy mouth of yours, gorgeous,” Hidan purrs as he hops up onto the bed to stand beside you, putting his pulsing cock within easy reaching distance of your lips. He reaches out to run his fingers gently down the front of your neck, smirking when you tilt your head back to give him better access. “I know a jutsu that’ll allow me to fuck that pretty throat without any discomfort on your end, babe. Are you willing to try it out?” You just nod, lids dropping to half-mast over your lust-dark eyes. His smirk widens into a grin as he flashes through the hand seals before pressing them against the sides of your neck, a warm, tingling sensation prickling at your skin for a moment before disappearing.

“Where do you want me, beautiful?” Deidara murmurs before Hidan can take away your ability to answer.

“With Kisame,” you pant, leaning forward to prop some of your weight against Kisame’s chest and give Deidara better access. Deidara sucks in a breath, hands tightening on your hips.

“Are you sure?” he presses, worried that it might be too much for you.

“Yes,” you groan. “ _Please_.”

“That okay with you, my man?” Deidara asks, resting his chin on your shoulder to look down at Kisame.

Kisame just shrugs. “It’s alright with me if it is with you,” he answers simply.

“Good. I’d hate to have to wait,” Deidara replies with a smirk as one of those sinful hands of his snakes over to press between your spread thighs. You gasp as his tongue comes out to play, delicately swirling around your painfully hard clit as his cock nudges against the place Kisame is already occupying. “Tell me if it gets to be too much, yeah.”

And with that he begins to press inside, hand-tongue still licking at you to help you relax.

You gasp as his head breaches your already full cunt, fingers curling tightly against Kisame’s chest as you try to focus on remembering how to breathe. Kisame’s hands are smoothing up and down the outsides of your thighs, Hidan’s fingers combing through your hair as they take turns murmuring words of encouragement (“-Doing so _well_ , kitten. Just keep breathing, sweetheart. He’s almost there.” “-So fucking _hot_ , babe. Such a perfect little cunt. I _know_ you can take it.”) Finally, after a long, slow moment, Deidara is buried to the hilt; moaning beautifully in your ear as his hips settle fully against your ass. God, you’ve never felt so _full_.

“Your body truly is a perfect work of art, hm,” he husks against the shell of it, warm breath making you shudder and break out in goose bumps. “I honestly didn’t think you could take the both of us quite so well.”

You just moan low and deep as you buck between them, desperate for them to move. “Just fuck me already!” All three of them smirk in unison, eyes so dark they cause a shiver to run up your spine.

“Gladly.”

And with that Deidara and Kisame begin to move in tandem; one pulling out as the other slides in and makes sure you’re never left empty.

Your mouth drops open in a pant and Hidan takes advantage, his hand tangling in your hair as he shoves his cock straight down your ready throat. Like promised you don’t feel any pain or discomfort; only a mild stretch and friction in your throat as he begins to fuck your mouth as roughly as he likes to fuck your cunt after a good workout. You just moan around him, closing your lips as you suck and swallow like a good little slut.

Meanwhile the slick stretch and wonderful friction between your legs feels so good it’s almost unreal; Deidara’s skilled tongue working your clit even more so. You never thought you’d get a chance to feel this good, to fuck like this. Even lost in your dirtiest fantasies a voice in the back of your head would whisper that they’d always stay just that – fantasies. Now here you are, sandwiched between two gorgeous men who are as focused on your pleasure as they are on their own while another equally gorgeous man fucks your throat with a look akin to reverence on his handsome face. It’s enough to make you shudder and clench and come after only a delicious minute of this sheer debauchery.

Kisame and Diedara grunt as they fuck you through it, clearly not ready to come themselves just yet. Hidan gasps at the vibrations of your throat as you cry your pleasure around him; hips stuttering but not stopping as you shake and shudder around them all.

“Well, there’s one, yeah,” Deidara teases lightly as he pulls his hand back to give you a moment to collect yourself. “I wonder how many more we can pull out of her before we come ourselves.”

As it turns out the answer is three.

They come even easier after the first one; Deidara’s skilled hand-mouth licking and swirling and sucking at your sensitive little clit as he and Kisame keep pumping into your slick body until you come crashing down all over again and coat them in a fresh wave of slick. The other mouth works your breasts, alternating between them as it licks and nips at your pebbled nipples. Whichever one doesn’t have his hand on it has Kisame’s instead; strong fingers delicately rolling the bud between them as he stares up at your beautifully flushed and sweat-damp face with hazy eyes. Hidan’s fingers tug lightly at your hair as he continues to thrust into your mouth, a surprisingly pleasant sensation against your sensitive scalp.

Deidara’s the first to come.

He chokes as his hips stutter and his thrusts turn short and jerky; spilling himself inside you and making Kisame’s continuing thrusts extra slick. He pulls out with a sigh as he starts to become oversensitive, content to just wrap his arms around your waist as he rests his chin on your shoulder to watch your pretty, pleasured face. 

Hidan’s the next to go.

Both of his hands grip the sides of your head as he doubles down, the tip of your nose bumping against his pubic bone as he begins grinding against your face. He comes a moment later with a hiss, pale hips stilling completely as he shoves his cock down your throat as far as he can go; pumping his load straight into your stomach. You just swallow it down like a good girl, looking up at him through your lashes as you meet his lidded magenta eyes. He pulls out of your mouth with a soft ‘pop,’ sweaty chest heaving as he comes down from his high. He hops off the bed as you lick at your lips, grabbing the back of your neck to pull you into a needy, passionate, tongue-filled kiss.

“You’re an _angel_ , babe,” he husks when he pulls back, eyes somehow dark and soft all at once. “An absolute fuckin’ _angel_.”

Kisame’s thumb at your clit jolts you back to the present, a gasp leaving your lips as you buck into it.

“Let’s see if we can break your record, kitten,” he pants as his hips keep smacking up into yours, thick cock hitting your g-spot _just right_. “Think you can do one more?”

“ _Yes!_ ” you keen as you focus your attention on the man below you. His face is flushed that lovely purple-red, his blue-gray skin as slick and damp as yours and making your bodies slide together so, so nicely. He grunts as you clench around him, thumb pressing a little harder against your clit as he rubs short, precise circles around it.

Neither of you lasts long.

You come with a strangled, choking noise; vision going _white_ as your body all but locks up above him. He grunts as he slams your hips down against him and keeps you there, cock pulsing beautifully inside you as he adds his own touch to the mess between your legs. 

You flop back against Deidara when you finally come down, far too exhausted to move. He snickers as he moves one of his arms from around your waist to brush some sweat-damp hair off your forehead, expression smug.

“Feel better?” he teases in a playful imitation of your first time together.

“Please don’t make me talk,” you pant. You can barely keep your eyes open. He just snickers again as he presses a gentle kiss to your temple.

“You just relax, babe,” Hidan says as he strolls over to your nightstand to dig out the baby wipes. “We’ll take care of cleanup.”

Deidara lets you go as Kisame gently lifts you off him, sliding off the bed with you before turning to lay you back down on the mattress. You’re eternally grateful because you honestly don’t think you could move right now even if you _tried_. Hidan’s handsome face comes into view a moment later, the cool, damp touch of a wet wipe pressing between your legs as he cleans you up. He even takes the time to smooth another one over your face and body to help with the sweat before tucking you under your sheets. It’s honestly so sweet you could almost cry. Must be the bonding hormones getting to you.

“You guys wanna stay and snuggle for a bit?” you slur almost drunkenly as you watch them get cleaned up and redressed. They all pause to glance at each other before looking back at you.

“Not sure how the logistics of that would work, kitten,” Kisame snickers with a grin as he takes in your cute, barely-awake look.

You just pout at him as you pat at the covers next to you. “You all made fucking me work so I’m sure you can figure something out.”

They all look at each other again. Hidan and Deidara just shrug.

“I’ll take the middle, yeah,” Deidara says as he crawls back onto the bed. You spread your legs under the sheets and he flops down between them, head falling back to rest against your stomach as he settles in.

“I’ll take this side,” Hidan follows with a smirk, crawling in under the covers on your left to snuggle up against you.

“Guess I’m over here, then,” Kisame finishes with a grin, strolling over to the right side of the bed to take his place. He slides under the covers, gently wrapping his arm around your upper waist as he sighs.

You just smile as you finally let yourself slip off into a good, long nap.

*

The end of the week rolls around once again which means one important thing – grocery day.

You’ve come to look forward to it. After all, it’s the only time you really get the chance to get out of the base. You like the guys and your current living space well enough but that doesn’t mean you don’t feel a little stir-crazy sometimes.

Hidan’s taking you this time. The other teams are all out of the compound, off on missions. Hidan and ‘the asshole’ will be heading out on their own soon so you’re hoping to get in as much time with him as possible before you’re left alone again. You love Maneki and she does wonders for keeping your loneliness at bay but you still miss the guys when they’re gone. The radio and your new little crochet hobby help, too, of course. You suppose you’re just an overly social person.

…Or maybe you’ve just gotten too used to having actual friends.

You shut the front door behind you and turn to make your way down the steps –

\- Only to freeze at the sight of Kakuzu standing a few feet away from his partner, arms crossed and looking grumpy as usual. You…didn’t know he’d be coming along, too. Hidan’s the one who got the list and money this round. You don’t like dealing with Kakuzu unless you absolutely _have_ to.

“Didn’t know this would be a group trip,” you can’t help but say a little icily. The last thing you want is Kakuzu’s shitty attitude ruining your time with Hidan.

Hidan just blinks at you owlishly. “‘Course it’d be a group trip, babe. Kakuzu and I are partners. We travel like this for safety.”

“I didn’t realize shopping was so dangerous,” you snip as you pull your blindfold out of your pocket and tie it over your eyes. You reach out and grab onto Hidan before they can ask who’s carrying you. You keep your backpack on your shoulders, too. Wouldn’t want to inconvenience King Asshole in any way. “Surely you have something better you’d rather be doing, Kakuzu. I think Hidan and I can handle getting a few groceries on our own.” 

“And you’re a bigger fool than I thought if you trust Hidan out on his own, girlie,” Kakuzu growls as Hidan turns and bends down to pick you up by the backs of your thighs. You reach out and grab onto his broad shoulders on instinct, legs clinging to his sides.

“Hey!” Hidan spits as you feel him jump up into the trees. “I’m a grown-ass shinobi, man! I think I can handle myself.” 

“That last skirmish we had says otherwise,” Kakuzu shoots back dryly. 

“So _one_ guy managed to cut off both of my arms! Big damn deal!”

“Considering it made you even more useless than usual I’d say it was a pretty ‘big damn deal.’”

“WHAT THE HELL IS _THAT_ SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!”

“Exactly what I said, idiot.”

The bickering continues for a good several minutes before Kakuzu finally loses his patience and growls at Hidan to shut up. Surprisingly, he does. Grumbles under his breath about it first, sure, but shuts up none the less.

You just remain quiet the entire trip, least you say something to set off Kakuzu’s temper.

You’ll make it up to Hidan later.

*

You’re heading back towards the meeting place with the groceries when you spot it in the pawn shop window.

You slow to a stop, staring. It’s been so long. You haven’t touched one of those since you lived with your parents almost three years ago.

The memory is a bit bitter. Though you did grow to enjoy such a thing for its own merits it didn’t change the fact that it had been pretty much forced on you. Your mother had insisted and you had relented.

Just like you always did.

She had said it’d be good for you; that it would expand your mind. The memory makes you snort. Even back then you’d found that line ironic coming from her. You were the most sheltered kid in the whole damn village. The only reason you weren’t homeschooled is because neither she nor your dad could afford to stop working the restaurant that long. You personally think she made you do it because it was something both she and your maternal grandmother had learned; an excuse to keep up the family tradition.

Still, despite the natural resentment your fingers can’t help but itch for it. It had been enjoyable in its own way, its own form of freedom despite the circumstances. And this time it would be _your_ choice.

You glance at your watch. You have a little extra time today since this week’s grocery trip didn’t take as long as usual. You also have both hands free since you didn’t need to buy nearly as much food this time around. Both Itachi and Kisame are out of the compound on a mission for the next couple of weeks. So are Sasori and Deidara though they’re due to come back a bit sooner. Hell, even Tobi is gone; out helping Zetsu with something for god knows how long. It’s just you, Kakuzu, and Hidan for the next couple of days until they leave on their own mission at the beginning of the week. It _is_ going to be awfully quiet around the base for a little while...

Eh, what the hell? You deserve to splurge on something just for yourself for a change. Besides, it could help keep you entertained while the guys are away.

You set your backpack down and dig your personal money stash out of the side pocket. It’s not all of it, of course. Most of it you keep in your desk drawer back at the hideout. It’d be stupid to carry it all around like this. Still, what you do have should be enough...

You count through it and nod to yourself. Yeah, it should be more than enough.

Grabbing your backpack while stuffing the money in your pocket, you stroll over and head inside; the chime of the bell above the door heralds your entry to the man behind the counter.

“Excuse me, sir?” you start with a polite smile. “I had some questions about one of the items in your window…”

*

You hum to yourself as you stroll back towards your original destination, feeling a little giddy. Your prize is safely in your hand; too big to fit into your backpack. You’re honestly excited. You know it’s probably silly to be this happy over such a minor thing, but you just can’t help it. It’s your first big purchase besides rent with your own hard-earned money. Literal blood, sweat, and tears went into this item; one you never thought you’d be able to afford. Your previous salary certainly didn’t allow for it. It feels so good to finally have some “play” money in your pocket. Hell, you don’t think even _Kakuzu_ could ruin your good mood right now.

“What the hell is in that case?”

Of course he’s sure as hell going to _try_.

“A shamisen,” you answer flatly as you slow to a stop a good ten feet away from him. Just because you’re forced to be on this trip together doesn’t mean you have to be near him.

“Why the hell did you buy a shamisen?”

You roll your eyes. What the fuck is he trying to be? Your father? God _that_ would fucking suck. Those poor hypothetical kids and their shitty hypothetical birthdays…

“I’m having a bonfire and this is the kindling,” you throw back dryly with a sarcastic shake of the case. You know you’re probably pushing it but his judgmental tone _really_ rubbed you the wrong way and you’re tired of him always talking to you like you’re stupid trash. “Why the hell does _anybody_ buy an instrument, Kakuzu?”

He snorts and crosses his arms. “I didn’t know you could play.”

You prop your free hand on your cocked hip, lower lip jutting out in a defiant pout. “There’re a _lot_ of things you don’t know about me. Maybe if you crawled out of your room to do more than just grab your food and crawl back in you would know some of them.”

“Maybe if I actually cared enough to know I _would_.”

_Ouch._

“Whatever,” you snip back with a sniff. “Where’s Hidan? I’m ready to go.”

“Up here babe,” Hidan calls from above. You look up to see him lounging back on a high tree branch, legs crossed at the knee with a hand tucked behind his head as the other waves down at you.

“Well, get down from there!” you call back. “The sooner we get back to the base the better! I’m afraid if we stay out here much longer Kakuzu might start to melt in the sun.”

“You’re awfully mouthy today, girlie,” Kakuzu growls, eyes narrowing.

“And you’re being a butthead as usual,” you snap back. Why did he have to go and ruin your good mood? And what the fuck is Hidan still doing up there?!

“Let me see it,” Kakuzu suddenly demands.

“What?” you spit, brows furrowing in confusion.

“Your shamisen. Let me see it.”

Oh _hell_ no.

“Like fuck I’m going to let you see it!” you shout, taking several quick steps back. Your journey comes to an abrupt end when you promptly bump into a tree. Even nature hates you. “You’ll probably just smash it for pissing you off!” 

Another snort. “I’m not going to break it. That’d be a waste of money. Now let me see it.”

You narrow your eyes at him as you bring it up to your chest and wrap your arms around it protectively. If he wants it he’ll have to pry it out of your dead, sweaty fingers.

…That was probably a poor choice of words.

“Don’t make me take it from you, girlie,” he growls lowly. “Then it might _actually_ end up broken.”

“Just let him see it, babe,” Hidan calls, still up in that stupid goddamn tree. You swear you’re going to find a way to burn it out from under him. “He won’t actually break it.”

“…Fine,” you reluctantly concede. You tentatively walk back towards him, step by achingly slow step until you’re _just_ close enough to hand it to him without having to stretch too much.

He takes it from you with surprising care, setting it on the ground before squatting to better open the case. He pulls the shamisen out a moment later, standing up before thoroughly looking it over. He turns in over in his large hands; his movements surprisingly mindful and delicate.

“Where did you buy this?” he asks a moment later.

“I got it from the pawn shop,” you answer as you watch him smooth one of those hands over the back of the body. If only he’d treat _you_ so nicely. Asshole. 

His eyes narrow. “How much did you pay for it?”

Yeah, you figured that question was coming.

You roll your eyes. “Does it matter? It’s _my_ goddamn money.” You don’t need him judging you any more than he already is.

“Just answer the question, girlie,” he snaps.

“Ugh, fine. 7000 ryo.”

“You spent over two weeks’ pay on this piece of shit?”

“ _You’re_ a piece of shit!” You slap your hands over your mouth immediately, eyes going huge. Shit. Fuck. Goddamn it you are _so dead_.

Hidan’s in front of you in a heartbeat, scythe at the ready. “I’ve got him, babe! You just go hide until he gets it out of his system!”

“Get your ass back in that tree, idiot,” Kakuzu growls. “I’ve heard _far_ worse from you and I haven’t killed _you_ yet.”

“BECAUSE YOU FUCKING CAN’T, YOU SHITTY FUCKING GEEZER!”

“I just wasn’t trying hard enough,” Kakuzu says back coolly. “Now get out of the way. I’m not done talking to her.”

“Actually, I can hear you just fine from behind him,” you chirp, poking your head around Hidan to look at him. “I think I’ll just stay right here.”

The roll of Kakuzu’s eyes would put even the edgiest teenager to shame. “Fine. Do you have a receipt?”

“YOU ARE _NOT_ GOING TO RETURN _MY_ GODDAMN INSTRUMENT!”

“I’m not going to return it,” he replies evenly. “I’m going to get some of your money back. You were ripped off.”

“…How do you know?” you ask, narrowing your eyes in suspicion.

“I’ve been around a while, girlie. I know a con when I see one.” He glances back down at the instrument in his hands. “This isn’t even real leather. It’s synthetic. And the wood has been stained to make it look higher quality than it actually is.”

Well, shit. Figures.

“…He didn’t give me a receipt.” Probably for this very reason. You were so excited over just getting the thing you didn't really think about it.

Kakuzu crouches down to gently put your shamisen back in its case. Then he stands up and starts unbuttoning his cloak, shrugging it off before tossing it to Hidan who catches it on reflex.

“That better be in the exact same shape I gave it to you in when I get back,” Kakuzu growls at him lowly before grabbing your case and straightening back up. “I’ll be back in twenty minutes.”

You watch with growing dread as he walks past you, heading towards town with your instrument still in his hand.

“Wait, where are you going?!” you shout after him.

He snorts. “I already told you. I’m going to get your money back.”

Panic seizes you then, throwing all rational thought to the wind. You dart after him, grabbing onto his arm and leaning back with all of your weight as you dig your heels into the ground in a desperate attempt to stop him. It doesn’t even slow him down. Dirty shoes are the only thing you get for your efforts. 

“DON’T KILL THE GUY, KAKUZU! YOU CAN’T JUST KILL SOMEONE FOR RIPPING YOU OFF!” you screech as you’re dragged along.

“I’m not going to kill him,” Kakuzu says calmly. “I’m just going to haggle him down to the price he _should_ have given you.”

Like _hell_ you believe that! You’ve been on the receiving end of his flash-fire temper! “HIDAN!” you shout, glaring back at the suddenly-useless tit over your shoulder as you continue to leave mini trenches in your wake. “HIDAN HELP ME OUT HERE!”

“No can do, babe!” he shouts as he hops back up into that stupid goddamn tree. “Once money is involved there’s no fucking stopping him!”

 _Fucking useless shithead!_

“Kakuzu I don’t care about the money! Really, I don’t! I chose to pay it and I’m fine with it, okay? Let’s just go back to the base! Please, please, _please_ don’t kill him! _Please!_ ” You’re babbling, fear overriding everything else. You absolutely do _not_ want someone dead on your behalf. Especially not over something as stupid as a little bit of money.

“I already told you I’m not going to kill him!” he snarls as he rips his arm out of your grasp. You promptly fall back on your ass, panic tears rising to your eyes and spilling down your cheeks.

“WELL YOU TRIED TO KILL _ME_ AND I DIDN’T EVEN _DO_ ANYTHING!” you sob-screech, throat tightening at the memory of his hand crushing your neck. You hate that you’re crying, hate that he managed to pull this out of you, but stress and fear and panic pushes it all to the forefront before you can rein yourself in. “YOU TREAT MY GODDAMN SHAMISEN NICER THAN YOU DO ME SO HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT?!” 

“YOU TRIED TO FUCKING KILL HER?!” Hidan shouts as he scrambles back down the tree, scythe raised and ready to strike. Kakuzu uses the Earth Grudge Fear to shoot his hand out towards Hidan before he can get close enough for a hit, grabbing him by the neck and throwing him down into the dirt to pin him there.

“Your presence almost caused serious property damage,” Kakuzu growls, using his other hand to catch the scythe that promptly comes whizzing towards his head before tossing it away. “Damage that would have been expensive to fix.”

“That was hardly my fault!” you spit through your tears.

“You may not have been the one dealing the damage yourself but you were the cause that almost led to it,” he huffs. “Either way it’s behind us now. So stop your goddamn crying and get back on your feet.”

“What kind of shitty logic even _is_ that?!” you shout, hands clenching into tight fists as you bang them against your knees, face scrunched tight and covered in tears and snot. “I didn’t make Hidan and Deidara do _anything_! They got pissed at each other and fought over it! Why pin their shitty coping mechanisms on _me_?! And why the fuck would you put _stuff_ over someone’s life anyway?! Stuff can be replaced, asshole! _People fucking can’t_!”

Having finally managed to pull Kakuzu’s hand from his throat, Hidan jumps back to his feet before sprinting full speed at its owner with a positively _feral_ look on his face. Unfortunately he runs straight into Kakuzu’s other hand, hardened to easily pierce through his chest. Hidan just snarls and grabs the cords connecting it to Kakuzu’s body before yanking it out to continue his assault.

Tired of dealing with his crazed partner, Kakuzu hardens his dominant hand and swings it at Hidan’s neck in a blindingly fast karate chop, effectively separating his head from his body. Hidan’s body drops to its knees and flops forward as his head rolls a few feet away.

“YOU SHITTY FUCKING BASTARD!” Hidan’s head shouts when it stops. “I SWEAR I’M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU ONCE I GET MY HEAD BACK ON!”

Kakuzu completely ignores the ranting as he retracts both of his hands and squats down in front of you. “Like I said, it’s behind us now. Stop crying and get up.”

“What do _you_ care if I cry?!” you spit. “If anything I figured you’d get off on it!”

“It’s annoying,” he growls.

“WELL THEN JUST FUCKING LEAVE ME HERE!” you scream, waving your hands above your head in utter exasperation. You are so fucking _done_ with everything. You’re tired of him, tired of the fighting, tired of being _scared_. You just want to go back to boring, safe normalcy. “Just _go_! Go back to the hideout and let me go back to living somewhere where I don’t fear for my life every goddamn day!”

“I can’t do that.”

“Why the fuck not?!”

“Because you know too much.”

“I don’t know jack shit except that you’re all fucking insane! What the hell am I going to tell people, Kakuzu?! Your dick sizes?!”

“WAIT, BABE, YOU DON’T ACTUALLY WANT TO LEAVE US, DO YOU?!” Hidan shouts from several feet away.

“I don’t want to leave _you_ specifically, Hidan! Or _any_ of the others!” you call back, actually feeling a little guilty at the genuine panic in his tone. You like most of them, you really, really do, but they can’t make up for Kakuzu’s horrid temper and the unbearable friction it causes. You’re so tired of either being pissed off or scared as all hell when you’re around him. “I just want to get away from _him_!”

Things go quiet for a moment, tense.

Then Kakuzu snorts.

“Well, too bad, girlie. You’re going to have to put up with me for a while yet.” And with that he stands and goes to pick up your shamisen case that he put down at some point during his “fight” with Hidan.

But you’re closer.

You dart out and grab it before he can, quickly opening it and pulling out the instrument. Kakuzu stops and watches on with furrowed brows, not fully understanding just what you’re trying to pull –

-Until you promptly stand up and whirl around to smash it against the nearest tree.

“There,” you say hoarsely, looking like a crazed mess with your wild eyes, snot-and-tear streaked face, and the broken remains of your first big purchase dangling in your shaking grip. “Now you have no reason to go into town.” _No reason to potentially kill anyone._ “Let’s go back to base.”

“ _Damn,_ babe!” Hidan calls out from somewhere behind you. “If I was still attached to my body I’d be _rock fuckin’ hard_ right now!”

Kakuzu stares at you for a long moment, eyes wide. You just stare right back with your own narrowed in defiance, silently daring him to say something. He can’t get rightfully pissed because it was never his to begin with.

Instead of saying anything, however, he reaches into his pocket. You tense, wary. Surely if he wanted to kill you he’d just do it with his bare hands. You silently watch on as he pulls out a small scroll and unrolls it before bending down to smooth it out on the ground. Then he goes and gathers up the shattered remains of your shamisen, delicately picking up even the smallest splinters before laying it all out on the seal and kanji covered paper. He grabs the bit from your hand last; snatching it away before you even have a chance to flinch. He throws that onto the paper, too, before kneeling in front of it and flashing through a series of hand seals. When he’s finished he presses his palms flat against the ends of the scroll and suddenly there’s a puff of smoke. When it clears there’s your shamisen, looking good as new.

“That was foolish, girlie,” he grumbles as he gingerly puts it back in its case. “But if you’re really that worried about it I’ll leave it be.”

“…Thank you.” You honestly don’t know what else to say.

Kakuzu just grunts as he rolls up the scroll and tucks it away before going to gather up Hidan’s head.

“OUCH! DO YOU HAVE TO YANK SO FUCKING HARD YOU SHITTY RAGDOLL BASTARD?” Hidan yells as Kakuzu grabs him up by his hair.

“You’re lucky I’m fixing you at all,” Kakuzu growls as he lumbers back over towards Hidan’s body to begin reattaching his head. “What you did was even _more_ foolish.”

“Yeah, well, excuse me for trying to protect my girl!”

You flush as they continue to bicker, heart pounding in your chest as you scrub at your face in an attempt to clean yourself up. His girl, eh? The sentiment makes you feel fuzzier than you would have expected. For all his crassness and vulgarity he really did try to protect you. And despite everything you really do like him. Even with all the ass slaps and shitty innuendo you have to admit that he does still have a strange charm all his own.

The trip back to base is quiet but thankfully not tense. It goes without question that Hidan’s the one to carry you back. You find yourself grateful for the breeze that their speed creates. It’s both cooling against the summer heat and helpful for clearing your mind. You…have quite a few things to think about.

Clearly Kakuzu is an _incredibly_ materialistic man. Above all he values money and spending it efficiently. The carefully calculated grocery lists he gives you are proof enough of that. The fact that he about murdered you over ALMOST indirectly causing property damage even more so. But all of those things ultimately affected him and his role as treasurer. What you do with your own money doesn’t.

So then why did he care so goddamn much?

Was…was that his fucked-up way of trying to show you he’s sorry for being an asshole? He’d wanted to look at your shamisen right after you’d called him a butthead, after all. And, in hindsight, he HAD sounded remarkably calm about talking to the guy…

Still, you feel justified in your thought process and reactions. He tried to murder you over stuff that MIGHT have gotten broken. And even if the base _had_ been damaged that didn’t give him the right to take your life. His temper has a hairpin trigger. His temper is violent rage and cold fury and steel-fingered death. You had every right to fear for that shopkeeper’s life.

…So then why do you still feel kind of bad about it?

*

“You feeling alright, babe?”

You startle from your thoughts, glancing down at the man that currently has his (thankfully reattached) head in your lap and your fingers buried in his silver hair. You smile at him, but it doesn’t really exude its usual warmth.

“I’m fine, Hidan. I’m just…I’m just thinking, is all.”

“About Kakuzu?”

You just hum in confirmation, mildly surprised by his perceptiveness. Usually he’s too busy blathering on about something or trying to twist everything into an innuendo to focus on much else.

“Hey, he’s an asshole, but don’t take it personal, alright?” he says, voice surprisingly soft. Most of the time he talks loud enough to pull everyone within a five mile radius into the conversation. “He tries to kill pretty much _everyone_. Hell, when we were first paired together he tried to kill me pretty much every damn day. It’s just his thing.”

“…I appreciate the effort but this _really_ isn’t making me feel any better,” you say a bit bitterly as you try and force yourself to go back to the book in your other hand. The absolute _last_ thing you want to think about right now is Kakuzu killing people. It just sours your image of him all over again. Hidan visibly winces.

“Sorry,” he murmurs, tilting his head back to better see your face. “I’m…I’m not the best at this kind of shit. Really, though, as much of a mess as today was that was honestly the closest thing to ‘nice’ I’ve ever seen Kakuzu do. He usually only gives a shit about _his_ money. He doesn’t give a fuck about others getting ripped off as long as they’re not stupid enough to try and do it to _him_.”

You just hum again and keep running your fingers through his hair, gaze never leaving your book. You’d figured _that_ much out on your own. You’re just not sure what to do with it.

Hidan sighs, shifting in your lap before he sits up. “…You want me to make you feel better?”

“I’m sorry, Hidan, but I’m _really_ not in the mood for that right now,” you answer, quiet but firm. “Maybe later this evening, okay?”

“It doesn’t have to be sex,” he says, scooting around on the couch to face you. “I’m good with my hands in other ways, you know. Here, lie down on the couch. I’ll give you a massage.”

You glance up at him, then, eyes going a little wide. “You don’t have too. Really, I’m fine.”

“Don’t give me that bullshit, babe,” he replies lowly, tone serious even as a smirk twitches at his lips. “You’re drawn up tighter than Kakuzu’s asshole whenever he’s forced to pay for anything.”

You snort, lips twitching up into a genuine smile despite yourself.

“I look that bad, huh?” you tease as you close your book and set it on the coffee table.

“You _never_ look bad, gorgeous,” he shoots back smoothly, lips pulling back over his teeth in a sexy little half-grin as he pats at the cushions in invitation. “Just tense as hell. Now lie down and let me work my magic.”

“Alright,” you concede, shifting to sprawl out on your front along the length of the couch. You grab a throw pillow to rest your chin on as Hidan straddles your hips and thighs, some of his weight resting lightly against your backside as he leans forward to hike up your shirt and expose the smooth expanse of your back to his hands and eyes.

The first deep press of his fingers against your tense shoulders is so heavenly you can’t help but groan; eyes fluttering shut as you almost instantly relax. You hear him snicker, clearly amused.

“Careful there, babe,” he teases as he begins to kneed your flesh with just the right amount of pressure. “I’m easy to get worked up, remember?”

“Keep that up and I may just get in the mood after all, handsome,” you purr as you let your head lull to the side. He really is good at this.

He’s not only good, he’s also incredibly thorough. Not a single inch of your skin goes untouched, not one little knot that he doesn’t find and massage away. You honestly didn’t realize just how badly you needed this until now.

“How did you get so good at this?” you murmur almost drunkenly as he’s pulling your shirt back down. You haven’t felt this relaxed since that really good nap you had a couple of weeks ago. Is this what it feels like for Maneki when she lays in the sun? Honestly if it feels half as good as Hidan’s fingers just did then you can wholly understand why she does it so damn much. You’re pretty sure you’re pulling a really good imitation of her stretched, lazy form right now.

“My old sensei taught me before I left,” he says simply as he moves to sit on the floor, pale back pressed against the front of the couch.

“Is massage something all ninja have to learn?” you ask as you push yourself up to sit cross-legged. Sure, it’s kind of weird, but you can kind of see why it would be a practical thing for them to know. You’re sure sore muscles are a common occurrence after intense workouts and practice sessions.

He just shrugs. “Naw. I come from the Steam Village in the Land of Hot Water. It’s known for its hot springs and shit. Our village elders decided that they wanted to focus more on drawing in tourists rather than potential mission clients. It’s one of the main reasons I left.”

“I see…” you hum as you scoot behind him to start massaging his scalp again. He grins as he closes his eyes and leans back into it, looking a lot like an overgrown cat himself. “You left because you wanted to keep being a ninja?”

“Something like that, yeah,” he murmurs as he settles in. “I just…I just didn’t really feel like I belonged there anymore, you know? It’s…it’s really damn hard to get out of that mindset once you’re in it. Once a soldier, always a soldier kinda thing. A lot of what they drill into you at the Academy stays with you for life. Besides, I didn’t bust my ass training every damn day just to give massages to entitled tourists for a living.”

Yeah, you _definitely_ can’t picture Hidan putting up with _any_ kind of customer service job for very long. He just doesn’t have the temperament or patience.

“I see. Well, I certainly can’t fault you for that,” you murmur back. “I didn’t really feel like I belonged in my old village, either.” _And once a soldier, always a soldier, huh?_ You can’t begin to imagine the kind of training shinobi go through, the kind of lessons they’re taught. All you know is that they’re very, very different from your basic civilian classes. Being trained to be a solider from such a young age is bound to give you a different mindset from the rest of the population; a different worldview. It would certainly help explain why Kakuzu is the way he is…

Maybe you should do a little something to apologize after all. Just to help clean up some of this bad blood a bit.

*

“Whatcha making, babe?” Hidan asks as he watches you pull out a clean mixing bowl after finishing the dinner dishes.

“Just some dango,” you answer simply as you go about gathering the rest of the ingredients. Something just slightly sweet. Clearly Kakuzu doesn’t have much of a sweet tooth. You fill the kettle and set it on the stove to heat before you start.

You listen to Hidan prattle on about anything and everything and nothing as you work, occasionally throwing in a sentence or two of your own to let him know you’re still paying attention. The water’s boiling just as you’re finishing up and you pull it off the burner to cool a bit before pouring it into three mugs with green tea packets. You divide the dumplings onto three dessert plates as the tea steeps, handing Hidan his when you’re finished.

“You want me to take Kakuzu his?” he offers as you turn to gather up another plate and cup.

“No, I’ve got it, but thank you,” you say evenly as you start heading towards the hall with your peace offering. You feel like it’ll be better coming from you.

Once you’re standing in front of his door, though, you find yourself hesitating. You still don’t feel like you really have to say ‘sorry.’

So you set your offering on the floor instead, knocking before turning to leave.

You hear his door open just as you’re walking away, feel his eyes on you as you turn the corner.

Hopefully he still appreciates the sentiment. 

*

Kakuzu comes to you that night.

You aren’t surprised by his visit. It seems to be his usual M.O., after all - coming to you after confrontations. You wonder if it’s his own strange form of comfort, a way of reassuring himself that you’re still willing to do your job.

What you _are_ surprised by is how gentle he’s being. He’s got his hand resting on your head as usual, his thick fingers tangled in your hair, but that’s it. He doesn’t tug, doesn’t yank or pull or tighten his grip even once. It’s…strange. Not unwelcome, just…strange.

Maybe this is another weird form of apology?

You chance a look up at his face, curious to see his expression.

It’s…soft. Well, for him, anyway. His eyes are dark and lidded, his face flushed, but his jaw isn’t tense and his lips aren’t drawn. He just stares back at you, face and body easy and relaxed. You dart your gaze back down to focus on doing your job. You’re…still not quite ready to give him the satisfaction of showing him just how much it affects you. Maybe…maybe next time. Maybe.

It’s not much, but it’s progress. 

*

Of course the next day he’s back to his usual grump.

“What the hell is this?”

You sigh and glance up from your book to see Kakuzu standing in your bedroom doorway, his brow furrowed and eerie red-green eyes narrowed into a sharp glare. A few months ago that look alone would have been enough to cow you into complete submission, head bowed and gaze glued to the floor as you answer him in a soft, shaking voice. Now you just look at him with a bored, flat expression; far too used to the domestic circus your life has become to really react to your employers’ volatile moods.

He holds up a large clear glass jar and shakes it for emphasis, the milky white contents sloshing against the sides. You glance at it and shrug before looking back down at the book in your lap.

“That’s the rice-water I use for my hair,” you answer calmly as you flip to the next page. “I left it in the pantry to ferment for a few days.”

“You’re wasting perfectly good rice on your _hair_?” he growls.

“Just because _you_ only put the bare minimum amount of effort into your appearance doesn’t mean I should, too.”

“Food is meant to be eaten, not serve your petty vanity,” he sneers. “You might as well have wiped your ass with the money you used to buy it instead. At least then it would have seen some practical use.”

You roll your eyes before pinning him with another flat look. “I figured you’d actually appreciate the effort considering how much you like to touch my hair when I blow you. How do you think I keep it so nice?”

His eyes narrow further.

You sigh and drop the book in your hands to scrub at your face.

“Look, if it bothers you that much I’ll only use some of my portion of the rice to make that instead of eating it from now on,” you offer tiredly. “That way none of your precious money gets ‘wasted,’ okay?”

He stares at you for a long moment. You just stare right back, not knowing what the hell else he wants from you.

He huffs under his breath before turning around, an irritably mumbled “women” reaching your ears as he stalks away back down the hall.

You just roll your eyes again as you go back to what you were doing before you were so rudely interrupted.

*

Your little village is as busy and bustling as ever the next time you visit for a supply run. Luckily the odd time of day means that most people aren’t out shopping so your usual grocery store is mostly empty and blessedly quiet as you stroll through the aisles. You glance down at the list Kakuzu gave you as you head towards the next section, having already gathered this trip’s produce.

You slow to a stop, brow furrowing slightly as you re-read it.

He added a half-pound more rice than usual.

Confused, you pull out the wad of cash he gave you to pay for everything and quickly count through it. Sure enough there’s a bit extra to cover the additional cost. You stare at it blankly, trying to figure out just what the hell is going on.

Kakuzu is nothing short of meticulous when it comes to handling the organization’s finances. Every purchase is carefully calculated, every single ryo accounted for. He budgets everything himself, the grocery bill included. Though the meats and produce on the list change depending on what’s on sale or in season and therefore cheapest the amount of rice he lets you buy only changes depending on how many people are going to be in the base and is always in _whole_ pounds. Why on earth would it suddenly change now?

You stare at the extra money a moment longer before it finally hits you.

Your hair.

A slow smirk spreads across your lips as you forge ahead.

 _Men_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all of your wonderful comments on the last chapter, guys! I read and appreciated every single one. I just blinked and they got away from me a bit lol. (P.S. - to answer some questions I personally imagined/wrote it as him using his Madara voice but his real voice could work just as well if that's what tickles your fancy ;) Also, Pain and Konan will both be coming back very, very soon. I promise they didn't completely disappear! And for the sake of fairness I went back and answered only the comments with questions on the last chapter but I promise I did read and love all of them! Queenie, I'm glad you're feeling better and you can call me whatever you want, babe!)
> 
> Big shout-out and thank you to my betas ToMakeMeTame and SaltySeaFarms! I couldn't do this without you guys! 
> 
> Stay safe, sane, and thanks for reading!


	19. And You Shall Know Pain

“Zetsu has managed to gather some information that could potentially lead to one of the jinchuriki,” the masked man says evenly as he props his elbow on the armrest of his chair and rests his head against his fist. Compared to the room’s other two occupants he looks entirely too casual and _far_ too comfortable. While he lounges back in his seat they continue to remain stiff and upright.

Konan’s face remains neutral at his words but Pain narrows his eyes.

“So he has gathered nothing but rumors and hearsay, then,” Pain replies lowly.

The masked man turns his head to face him, torchlight glinting off a single swirling red eye at the movement.

“Those ‘rumors’ and ‘hearsay’ are what lead to the creation of this organization as it stands now,” the masked man says with just the barest hint of warning in his tone. Pain may fancy himself a god but underneath the delusions of deity-hood and martyrdom he’s still just a man.

…A man who doesn’t seem to fully grasp just how hot the fire he’s playing with really is.

“Yes, but with our current members we had names and exact locations,” Pain reasons with all the boldness of someone who thinks they actually know who they’re dealing with. Thinks they can handle them. “Not just ‘potential.’”

“The information Zetsu has gathered is still a solid start,” the masked man replies with a slight tilt of his head. “It just requires the right team to get in a bit closer to confirm it. Once they do that it will start narrowing down the path until they’re finally able to reach our destination.”

“And where is it that they’re going to start, exactly?” Pain asks with narrowed eyes.

“Iwagakure,” the man replies evenly. “Zetsu has reason to believe that the Five-Tails’ jinchuriki is there. We just need to find out who it is and exactly where to find them. I’ll let him fill you in on the details,” he finishes as he stands to his feet. Pain and Konan do the same.

“We’ll start putting together a team immediately,” Pain says flatly as Zetsu moves from the masked man’s side to stand near him instead.

“See that you do. Oh, and one last thing before we call this meeting to an end,” the masked man says almost airily as he crosses his arms. “I paid a visit to our new ‘maid.’ I wholly approve. She truly is an adorable little thing; funny and sweet with just the right amount of bite. I don’t think you could have picked a better choice.”

“We’re glad you approve,” Pain retorts drily. Clearly he doesn’t see why he felt the need to mention you at all. 

“You should pay her a visit yourselves,” the masked man continues as he shoves his hands in his pockets and starts strolling towards the exit. “Heaven knows you both could stand to lighten up a bit.”

“I have no need for such things,” Pain replies lowly, eyes narrowing again.

“Are you saying that because you genuinely don’t or because you think that you’re above them?” the masked man shoots back smoothly over his shoulder. “You may no longer consider yourself a man, Pain, but doesn’t a god still deserve to be worshipped? Trust me when I say she’ll do just that. All you have to do is tell her to get on her knees.”

And with that he’s gone; disappearing in a swirl of his Kamui.

Hopefully the combination of Pain’s ego and natural curiosity will win out and he’ll pay you a visit. Once he does it’s only a matter of time. You have a way of drawing people in and bringing them back to you over and over again; wrapping them around your finger and chipping away at their control all while they foolishly believe that they still hold it. You don’t even realize you’re doing it. A small mercy, honestly. A power like that in the hands of a cunning kunoichi would make for a powerful enemy, indeed.

Luckily you have him to make good use of it for you. With any luck your influence will sand down some of that subtle insubordination and bring Pain more fully to heel.

After all, underneath those delusions of grandeur Pain is still just a man. 

*

Tobi is helping you finish up the breakfast dishes when he drops the news.

“Oh! By the way, Leader and Konan are coming over today for some big meeting,” he starts, glancing up from the dish and towel in his hands to look at you. “I figured you should know so that you can keep Maneki in your room. After all, it’d be pretty hard to concentrate on some boring meeting with a cute little kitty distracting everybody!”

You hum in agreement as you reach into both sides of the sink to pull the plugs and drain the water, drying your hands on a dish towel when you’re done. “Yeah, I’ll do that. Do you know what time they’re coming over? I’d hate to keep her locked in my room for too long.”

Tobi just shrugs as he puts the last dish in the ‘clean’ stack to put up. “They didn’t give an exact time but they said most likely later this morning or early afternoon.”

“I see,” you say as you move to put away the chopsticks while Tobi puts up the plates. “I’ll go ahead and find her here in a minute, then. Just to be safe.” You definitely don’t want to upset Leader in any way. If this meeting really is that important then the last thing he’d want is your cat butting in to demand attention and cause a distraction. She can stay in your room for a few hours with her toys and litter box and some water. She’ll be fine. “Thanks for telling me, Tobi.”

“No problem, _________~.”

*

The base that Pain and Konan step into later that morning is almost worlds different from the one they left you in.

Gone are the plain, blank white walls; replaced instead with a soothing forest green and a calming sky blue. There are decorations, now – framed prints and matching rugs and throw pillows. And is that a plant in that pot? An actual, living plant? Pain doesn’t know much about plants personally but it honestly looks like something someone dug up from the surrounding forest. If he’d passed it on his way here he wouldn’t have given it a second glance. What’s the point of having something like that inside?

But by far the most egregious addition is the picture in the dining room he’s currently staring at while he waits for Konan to gather the other members. He squints at it, trying to decide if he finds it more hilariously ironic or just annoyingly cheesy.

“Ah, Leader!” He glances towards the living room entry to see you standing there; head bowed respectfully. Clearly you just came in from outside if the sun hat you’re wearing is anything to go by. “It’s good to see you again, sir.”

“Likewise,” he answers with a nod before he goes back to contemplating your taste in décor. Clearly all of this was your doing. None of the others had bothered with it before so he can’t imagine them caring about it now. “Tell me, where did you get this picture?”

“Oh, that?” you say as you stroll over to look at the stretched canvas 'Live. Laugh. Love.' kanji print he’s currently staring at. It’s definitely not your favorite new addition but it had been free and it serves as a good placeholder until something better pops up. “I found it in someone’s trash while I was…uh…shopping around for gently used décor. Kisame and I thought it was hilarious.”

Well, at least you’re able to both see and appreciate the irony of it. You didn’t waste any money on it, either. He knows he really shouldn’t hate this picture as much as he does but something about it just irks him on a near-molecular level.

“I see.” He shoots the picture one last mild glare before turning to look at you again. “I appreciate that you took the time and initiative to make the base feel more welcoming.” Except for this picture. This picture can Almighty Push itself straight back into the trash. Or, even better, into a fire. Honestly, though, everything but this particular decoration is a vast improvement. It honestly feels like a proper house now. He’s sure the men are pleased with it.

You flush, gaze averting to stare at the floor instead. “It was no problem, sir. I was happy to do it. And the guys actually helped me paint everything so it’s not all on me.”

“Did they, now?” Kisame, Itachi, and even ‘Tobi’ he can see but the others not so much. Maybe Deidara since he’s an artist but the other three are harder to imagine. “Did all of them help you?”

“Oh, uh, most of them, yeah. Zetsu is almost never here and Sasori and Kakuzu stay in their rooms most of the time.”

Well, he figured as much. Still, the fact that you somehow convinced both Hidan and Deidara to help you with something like that is mildly impressive.

“I see,” he says again, glancing over at the other entryway as Konan strolls back through it. “Our meeting is about to start. I want you to stay in your room for the duration of it. I’ll have one of the others let you know when we’re finished.”

You just nod and give him another shallow bow. “Yes sir.” And with that you head off towards your room, smiling at the others as you pass by them on their way to the dining room; Tobi waving back at you as he brings up the rear. As you get closer you notice that your door is open a crack. You frown. Strange. You must not have closed it quite as well as you’d thought. Hopefully Maneki is still inside. She was curled up on your pillow fast asleep less than a half-hour ago so you’re sure it’s fine.

“Looks like it’s just you and me for a bit, Maneki,” you sigh as you step inside.

…Only to find that Maneki is no longer on your bed.

_Shit._

You immediately drop to your knees to look under it. She sometimes likes to hide there.

But she’s not there, either.

 _Double shit_.

The last thing you need is her temperamental ass getting on Leader’s bad side. She may be scruffy and a little rough around the edges but she can be surprisingly sweet and she’s yours. You don’t want to have to get rid of her.

With your mission in mind you set off back down the hall.

Time to find your cat before someone else does.

*

“…With the nature of this particular bijuu the best candidates to send would be - ” Pain is cut off by the sudden sensation of something brushing up against his legs. He glances down on reflex-

-To promptly be greeted by the ugliest damn cat he’s ever seen. It looks up at him with a single crusty yellow eye, chewed-up ears twitching as it purrs and continues to rub and wind around his legs through his cloak.

“ _Maneki_ ,” you hiss from the doorway. “Oh my god, Leader, I am _so_ sorry! She accidentally got out on me earlier!”

His lips twitch as he looks back at you. “It’s quite alright. Just grab her and head back to your room.”

“Yes sir!”

You ease over to do just that, cooing and clucking at her as you wiggle your fingers-

-Only to have her run away just in the nick of time; the feeling of her scratchy fur brushing past your fingertips as she goes.

“Maneki, you hussy!” you spit as she darts under the table. You dive after her, hand wrapping briefly around the end of her tail before she yanks it away and once again manages to elude your grasp. You scramble through the sea of legs after her, cursing under your breath all the while. She heads for the kitchen and you smack your head on the end of the table as you come out from under it. “ _Shit_ ,” you hiss as you rub at the sore spot. Maneki just plops her ass down a few feet away and starts cleaning her tail, like she’s offended you even dared touch it. “You ungrateful little _shit_!”

You make another dive for her and she once again gracefully dances away. You, on the other hand, stumble and face-plant into the floorboards. In front of _all the guys plus Leader and Konan_. Great. Just fantastic. You’ll never hear the end of this. Hidan, Kisame, and Deidara are already laughing their stupid asses off.

Your shithead cat doesn’t just head straight for the kitchen, oh no. She heads for the fridge and jumps up onto the counter before jumping up onto it instead. She looks down on you all like an evil queen does her subjects, eye narrowed and head held high and proud and _daring_.

“ _Maneki_ ,” you growl lowly as you pace back and forth in front of the fridge like a hungry predator, too short to reach her yourself. “You’re making me look bad!”

She just twitches her bent tail and narrows her eye further.

Making a hasty decision, you promptly hop up onto your knees on the counter, determined to catch your cat before she can get away again. Before you can stand up to grab at her, however, you feel a hand on the small of your back, warm and strong.

“I’ve got her,” Pain says in that pleasantly smooth, deep voice. You flush at the hint of amusement you hear in it, at his sudden proximity. You watch as he turns his attention to your stubborn pet, reaching his hands over the top of the fridge and murmuring quiet encouragements. Maneki stares at him for a moment, tail still twitching.

Then she starts purring again and heads straight for his hands to start rubbing against them.

“You little _traitor!”_ you spit, mildly offended. You’re the one that took her in, damn it! The one that always scratches under her chin and feeds her tuna and snuggles her every night! Not that you’re not pleased by her shows of affection towards others, you just rightfully feel like you should be her favorite!

Pain just chuckles as he gently scoops her up under her front legs and brings her down from the fridge.

“She just wanted to play a game with you,” he says surprisingly softly as he brings her to his chest and starts scratching between her ears. She practically melts against him and honestly you can’t blame her. You would, too, if you were in that situation. Pain is a total babe.

“Yeah, well, she didn’t have to make me look like an asshole in the process,” you huff as you hop off the counter and cross your arms.

“Nah, that was all you, babe,” Hidan pipes up from the table as he wipes at his eyes. The bastard is s _till_ grinning.

“I didn’t exactly see _you_ helping, Hidan!” you snap as you narrow your eyes at him.

“And miss out on that show? _Hell_ nah!”

“Yeah, I’d say that cat has more than earned her place here after _that_ little display,” Kisame adds with a snicker. “I just wish we could have recorded all that.”

“Like you guys don’t already have enough shit to blackmail me with!” you spit with a frustrated wave of your hands. Hidan, Kisame, and Deidara devolve into laughter all over again at the sight of your flustered face. The rest of the group just looks on with varying expressions of amusement. Except Kakuzu, of course. He looks as grumpy as always.

“Here,” Pain says as he holds a still-purring Maneki out towards you. “You best take her back to your room.”

You gently take her from him, face still hot. She snuggles up against your chest and you soften immediately. She may be a little shit but she’s _your_ little shit.

“Thank you, Leader,” you say with a shallow bow.

“It was no problem,” he replies gently. “Now go. Our meeting will be over soon enough.”

“Yes sir,” you reply with a nod before you turn to leave. You shift Maneki over to cradle her in one arm, leaving your other hand free to ruffle Kisame’s hair and smack Hidan across the back of his head as you pass behind them.

“Bitch, are you _trying_ to get me hard?!” Hidan spits as he rubs at the slight sting and glares after your sashaying form. Hidan’s definitely not the only one watching the swing of your hips, however. “I still have a fucking meeting to sit through!”

The smirk you give him from the doorway is as wicked as any he’s ever given you.

“I know.”

And with that you’re gone, taking the cause of the temporary chaos with you.

“…This meeting better be a short one,” Hidan growls as Pain makes his way back towards the head of the table. Kisame and Deidara snicker. 

Pain reins in the lip-twitch that threatens to give him away as he schools his face back to passive seriousness.

“Calm yourself,” he says smoothly as he re-takes his rightful place. “It will be.” 

*

He can’t get the idea out of his head.

Or, more specifically, he can’t get _you_ out of his head.

He doesn’t understand why this has suddenly become an issue. Even Madara himself suggesting it should not have affected him this much. He hasn’t entertained such thoughts since before-

Well, for a very long while. Many years, in fact. The last person he’d been interested in this way was Konan. And obviously _that_ is never going to happen for a variety of reasons. Reasons he’d accepted and come to terms with long ago.

He doesn’t have time for this. Doesn’t need the distraction. Can’t afford either. And yet…

And yet the thoughts remain.

The memory of your swaying hips, that wicked smirk, your playful, easy demeanor around some of the most dangerous men in the shinobi world. None of it had even been directed at him and yet he’d been drawn right in; entranced.

He’d _wanted_ it to be directed at him.

The fact that you are obviously kind only makes it worse. Only someone with a soft heart would take in such a mangy, temperamental cat. All that plus your added humor makes you very appealing, indeed…

Maybe he should visit you. Just once. Just enough to scratch this sudden itch and rid himself of these damned distracting thoughts.

…But it technically wouldn’t even be him, though, would it. It would be Yahiko. Or, even more technically, his body. It wouldn’t be right to use his old friend’s body in such a way, defile it in such a manner.

…But then again it’s not like he can go to you himself and he’s already using it to kill. Surely using it to bring and experience pleasure would be considered less egregious in the grand scheme of things…

Besides, it would only be fair. His friends got to experience it themselves, after all. Oh, in public they claimed to have no time for such things, made a big show of dedicating themselves fully to their cause, but in private?

Well, let’s just say he never went to the kitchen for a midnight snack again after the first time. He had to pass by Konan’s room to get to it, after all. As embarrassed as he had been he’s still ashamed to admit that he’d also been aroused by the noises he heard coming from them that night.

…And more than a little jealous.

Maybe that’s another reason he’s so drawn to the idea. He knows he can actually have you. Knows you won’t turn him away.

Knows you would eagerly get down on your knees.

Surely once will be enough. Enough to get you out of his head, to sate his curiosity.

Besides, surely even he deserves a little pleasure after all the pain. 

*

He visits you as his city settles down to sleep.

He leaves Konan and the other five Paths to guard it, of course. He’d never leave his village completely unprotected. Though he let Konan know that he’s stepped out for a bit, he left under the pretense of running a border patrol, of working off a general restlessness. She had accepted his explanation easily, as she most always did. For some reason he doesn’t want her to know that he’s visiting you like this, that he let himself succumb to such base distractions and desires. It’s…embarrassing.

It’s for that very same reason he waited until he knew all the others were out of the compound on their own missions. After all, how would it look if their Leader partook in something so base and trivial? Sure, the men are allowed such things but he himself is supposed to be above them. Untouchable, unshakeable, dignified above all else. Someone worthy of leading.

The base is dark and quiet when he gets there. Your door is shut but a soft light seeps out from under it. Thankfully you’re still awake.

He knocks.

Shuffling. The soft padding of bare feet on wood flooring, then-

You’re in front of him, blinking up in wide-eyed surprise. Clearly you weren’t expecting him.

“Leader!” you exclaim with a deep bow. “Sorry if I looked a little shocked. I wasn’t expecting your visit.”

 _Neither was I,_ he doesn’t say.

“May I come in?” he asks instead.

More owlish blinking. You look… cute… like this. It’s… endearing.

“Oh! Uh, of course!” you say as you snap out of it a moment later. You step to the side with a sweeping invite of your arm, Maneki jumping off your bed and strolling out into the hallway at the motion.

He can’t help but glance around the room as he steps in. You’ve modified it to your tastes. Gone are the empty, blank white walls. They’re now painted and decorated, pictures and other knickknacks giving it a warmer, more welcoming feel. It suits you.

He glances over at the shamisen resting on a stand in the corner. Hm. He didn’t know you could play. Maybe he should ask if you’d be willing to play for him sometime...

He mentally shakes his head. There will be no ‘sometime’. There will only be _this_ time. That’s it. Once should be more than enough. One night with you should more than suffice in scratching this damn itch.

“So, um,” you start as you close the door, pulling him from his thoughts. He glances back at you, waiting. You’re looking at the floor and fidgeting with your hands, obviously nervous. “Are you here for my ‘services,’ sir?”

“Yes.”

“…May I ask a bit of a personal question, first?”

“…Yes.”

“Please don’t take this the wrong way, sir, but the reason I was so surprised to see you was because I thought you and Miss Konan were together.” It comes out rushed, a little afraid. It’s also a very indirect way of asking but he understands the question all the same.

Despite the implications and personal nature of such a topic he softens. Clearly you don’t want to step on any toes, hurt any feelings. It would have been so easy for you to ignore the possibility, to play ignorant to it. After all, how could you really know? And even if your worry were true the blame would fall entirely on him.

“I assure you that Konan and I are not together in that way,” he says gently. You instantly relax.

“Oh,” you say quietly. But then you look up at him through your lashes, lips quirking into a cute little smirk as your lids drop to half-mast. “In that case, how do you want me, sir?”

Well, _that_ goes straight to his crotch.

“On your knees,” he breathes, trying to regain himself. Your smirk just widens.

“You got it, boss,” you hum as you saunter over to stand a hairsbreadth from him. You look into his eyes as you reach up slowly, giving him time to say something or move.

He doesn’t.

You pop the top button of his cloak almost hesitantly. He just continues to watch you, waiting. You move down to the next one, then the next and the next until it hangs all the way open. He shrugs it off for you.

Your eyes run over the broad plane of his pierced shoulders before dipping down to glance over his naked chest and toned stomach. You reach out to run your fingers over one of his ab piercings and smirk.

“So are you pierced _everywhere,_ sir?” you tease as you glance back up at him. He feels his cock twitch again at the sight, at your tone.

“Keep going and you’ll find out.” His tone isn’t quite as playful as yours, but it’s close. It reminds you of how he was at the interview, before you knew who he really is. Your smirk widens into a sinful little grin.

“ _Gladly_.”

God, you’re too good at this. He wasn’t expecting you to be this way with him quite so quickly. He’s very glad that you are, though. It makes it much easier to ignore the slight guilt and shame that still tug at him.

He can’t help the hitch in his breath as he watches you sink to your knees, ringed gaze following you all the way to the floor. You keep that grin and those gorgeous bedroom eyes on his face as you reach out to unbutton and unzip his pants, gaze never breaking from his own as you reach in and pull out his already fully hard cock.

“Well, I can’t say I’m surprised,” you hum as you pump your hand over the length of it. Sure enough, he’s got six silver piercings along the underside of it, lined up side-by-side just like the ones down the bridge of his nose. Luckily these ones are smooth and round; much easier to take. You can’t wait to see how they feel inside you.

He reaches out and tangles a hand in your hair instinctively.

“Use your tongue,” he orders lowly. He hopes you’re at least half as good with it this way as you are with your banter.

“Yes _sir_ ,” you purr.

And then you promptly run the flat of it up the underside of his cock before taking it into your mouth.

He sucks in a sharp breath, fingers tightening their grip in your hair as he’s overwhelmed with the pure wet heat of it. This is better than he’d hoped, better than he’d imagined. Better than the times he’d touched himself back when he still had full control over his real body. Any guilt he still feels over this promptly flies out the proverbial window, immediately overtaken by lust and pleasure and sheer _want_ for you.

You gently grip what you can’t fit into your mouth with your hand, wrapping it around the base just under his piercings. You twist your wrist as you pump him, that sinful little tongue swirling around his head. He groans when you look up at him through your lashes, surprised by just how dark your eyes are, how wanting. If he were still able to pleasure himself in his real body this image would become a favorite for sure.

You suddenly bob your head down his length as far as you can comfortably go, sucking gently as you slowly come back up. His hand tightens in your hair as you do it again, this time running the tip of your tongue up the narrow valley between his piercings as you go. He actually gasps, just barely resisting the urge to buck into your beautiful mouth. Your eyes crinkle in a mischievous look at the sound, bright and a little prideful. Clearly you’d be smirking right now if your pretty lips weren’t currently stretched around his cock.

You work him like that for the next several minutes, sucking and swirling and twisting your wrist all while looking up at him through those lovely lashes if yours. In no time at all he’s flushed and panting, ringed, lidded gaze never leaving yours. He’s honestly surprised that he’s lasted as long as he has. As much as he’ll never admit it it’s not like he has personal experience in this area.

A slick, lewd sound catches his attention, different from the wet noises caused by your mouth. He shifts his gaze from your face to settle further down your body, eyes widening ever so slightly when they see what’s causing the noise.

You’re touching yourself; shorts shoved down around your knees and three fingers buried in your dripping cunt as you grind your palm against your clit.

It’s enough to send him over the edge.

He comes with a harsh, sharp intake followed by a low, erotic groan; fingers tightening in your locks to keep your head still as he rides it out, spills the evidence of his pleasure down your eager throat. You swallow it all; dark, lidded gaze growing darker still as you take in his closed eyes and flushed, furrowed expression.

He lets you go when he’s finished, ringed eyes opening to once again bore down on you as you pull off him and lick your lips.

His cock twitches at the sight.

So much for once being enough.

He glances back down at the hand still buried between your legs, an idea forming. He still lacks personal experience, after all…

“Strip and get on the bed,” he orders lowly. You grin up at him, more than a little cheeky.

“Yes _sir_ ,” you purr as you stand and saunter over to climb on, stripping as you go. You turn to face him once you’re settled in, watching him expectantly.

“Touch yourself for me.”

Clearly _that_ takes you by surprise if the raising of your brows and widening of your eyes is anything to go by.

“I gave you an order, _______,” he says darkly, eyes narrowing slightly. He’s not one to be disobeyed.

You just flush as you nod, scooting back to rest against the headboard as you spread your legs a bit and reach between them, tentatively running a couple of fingers up your glistening slit.

“Spread your legs wider. I want to see all of you.”

Your flush deepens as you comply, spreading your bent knees as far as they can comfortably go as you continue to tease yourself. He finishes pulling off his pants as he stalks over to stand at the end of the bed, gaze trained on the hand between the juncture of your thighs. You move to focus on your swollen clit, fingertips gently circling around and over it, making your hips twitch and your pussy clench. God, his gaze alone is enough to drive you crazy; his smooth, deep voice even more so. 

“Part yourself for me. I want to see just how wet you are.” 

You moan as you comply, head dropping back to rest against the headboard as your free hand trails down your stomach to part your lower lips for his viewing pleasure. His gaze is so intense it’s practically burning; a prickling, physical thing that crackles over your skin like static electricity. It’s intoxicating. 

When you fan your fingers into a ‘V’ shape around your clit and begin bucking up into your hand he crawls onto the bed, beautiful cock once again hard and twitching against his stomach and making the lamplight glint off his piercings. He wastes no time batting your hands away to take over himself; long, slender fingers dipping between your slick folds to rub and tease. You gasp as you grind against him, hands instinctively reaching out to grasp his broad, pierced shoulders for purchase. As good as his fingers feel, though, you’re very much curious to try something else…

“Please, sir,” you gasp as he dips one of those beautiful fingers inside you, curling it as he gently feels around. “Please rub your cock against me. I want to feel your piercings.” Ringed purple eyes narrow at you but he looks more amused than anything.

“And who are you to be giving _me_ orders, ________?” he asks lowly as he slips another finger inside. You moan and buck up into him, gaze going hazy at the sheer _need_ for him aching between your legs. God, he’s so gorgeous, his voice is so sexy and he turns you on so _much_.

“Pleeeease,” you whine as his fingers catch on your g-spot and make your hips buck again. His lips twitch up into an infuriatingly hot little smirk as he focuses his attentions there, rubbing and teasing and driving you absolutely crazy. As good as it feels, though, your poor clit is what needs the most attention right now. “Please, sir! Please let me feel them! Let me feel _you_!”

His cock twitches at your needy tone, at your dark eyes and the raw lust hazing your pretty face. And it’s all for him, all _his_ doing. God, he wants nothing more than to give you what you want.

“I suppose you do deserve a reward for doing such a good job…” he purrs as he pulls his fingers from your body. You watch through lidded eyes as he brings them to his parted lips and slips them into his mouth, eyes darkening at your taste. Your cunt clenches at the sight, hips bucking up against nothing as you whine again. God, he’s just too _much_.

As soon as he’s finished he grabs your hips. You gasp as he yanks you closer to him, his own hips sliding neatly between your parted thighs. You _moan_ as you get your first taste of what you wanted; the cool, smooth metal of his piercings contrasting beautifully with the velvet warmth of his skin. You buck up immediately, making your clit catch between the narrow valley of his piercings and rolling in between them. _God_ , this is even better than you’d hoped.

You don’t get to do it again because his hands are suddenly pushing your thighs back against your front as he pins you to the bed, pupils blown wide and making dark purple look darker still.

“I’ll give you what you want, _______, but it will be on _my_ terms,” he says lowly. “Hold still. Disobey me and I’ll stop completely.” All you can do is gasp and nod.

He starts slow, teasing. He stares into your eyes as he pulls back almost achingly slow, making your clit drag against both his wonderful cock and those sinful piercings. His lips twitch as he slides his hips forward again, clearly amused by your involuntary shudder. It takes all of your willpower to not grind up against him.

He tortures you like that for the next several minutes, just stares into your hazy, lidded eyes as he gently rubs himself back and forth against your aching, swollen clit. Though you manage to rein in the desperate urge to buck you can’t stop the way it makes you shake and shiver, the way your fingers curl tightly against his shoulders. As amazing as it feels you need just a bit more pressure to get where you need to be.

“Please, sir,” you beg again, nails biting into his skin at a particularly heavy drag. “Just a little firmer. I’m so close. Please, I - ”

“And what makes you think you deserve to come against my cock?” he hums as he gives you another heavy rub. You gasp as you _almost_ break his one rule.

“ _Please_ , Leader,” you plead, tone as needy and desperate as your body. “Please let me come against your cock! I ache _so_ badly and I’ve been so good!” He _groans_ , cock twitching against you and making you shiver.

“I suppose you _have_ been a good, obedient little pet,” he purrs as he presses his hips more firmly against you, leans down to get better leverage. You gasp at the pressure, at the friction you so desperately crave. “And good, obedient little pets deserve to be rewarded.”

And with that he starts to buck against you with abandon, beautiful cock sandwiched between his body and your aching, dripping cunt.

You throw your head back as you choke on your pleasure, nails scraping against his shoulders in a way that’s sure to leave marks. He doesn’t even flinch, doesn’t let up his brutal, relentless pace. If you weren’t so damn slick from all his earlier teasing it’d almost be too much.

You don’t last two minutes under his assault; body locking up as every muscle in it stiffens. You cry out as your orgasm crashes through you, hips bucking back up against him as you meet his raw passion with your own. He blessedly slows down as it starts to ebb, stopping completely when you grunt and try to pull away as oversensitivity takes over.

“Thank you, Leader,” you pant as you come back to yourself.

“I’m not finished with you yet, _________,” he says lowly as he pulls back. He wants you desperately but he can’t handle looking into your face as he takes you. Just the sight of your flushed skin and closed eyes and open-mouthed pleasure as you came undone under him was enough to drive him crazy. He doesn’t want to think about how much worse it would be to see that while he’s inside you. He can’t afford to get attached, can’t afford to want to do this again.

Once is going to have to be enough.

You yelp as he suddenly flips you over onto your hands and knees, arms instinctively shooting out to hold yourself up as he once again grabs your hips and settles between your legs. You don’t even get a chance to regain your bearings before he’s sliding inside your wet, aching heat.

He _moans_ as he hilts himself; low and deep and so erotic it makes you shiver violently. He feels so good pressed up against your ass like this, so right. His cock stretches you out wonderfully, the piercings lined up along the underside massaging your g-spot and making you clench. God, everything about this man drives you wild.

You groan as he starts to move, the muffled slap of skin on skin filling your room as he sets a smooth, steady pace. You just sigh and press back against him, eager to let him fill you up.

He lasts a good bit longer this round; thrusts steady and even the whole time. You reach between your legs to lazily rub at your clit, practically purring at the wonderful internal stimulation those piercings of his give you. Combined with the slick friction of your own fingers you know you’ll be coming again in no time.

He grunts at the way it makes your cunt clench around him, ringed gaze following the path of your hand as he watches you start playing with yourself. Something takes over, then; a strange possessiveness that demands he be the sole cause of your pleasure.

He leans over a bit to bat your hand away before reaching between your thighs to take over himself. He quickly finds the main source of your pleasure and focuses his attention on it; strong, calloused fingers rubbing wonderfully against your slick, swollen clit. You _whine_ as you sink down to rest on your chest, better anchoring yourself against his heavy thrusts as you pant and whimper and groan like a bitch in heat.

He comes before you do; thrusts turning short and sharp and quick before stilling as he sucks in a breath and groans. You sigh at the feeling of his cock pulsing against your walls, at the flood of liquid heat that slicks your insides. You were close but it looks like you may have to finish yourself off this time.

He doesn’t pull out, though. In fact he leans forward to press his front flat against your back as he doubles down on you; the cool metal of his ab piercings digging lightly into your flesh as he rubs short, hard, precise little circles against and around your clit. You choke at the feeling, cunt clenching down on his cock.

“Come for me, ________,” he husks against your ear. “I want to feel you come undone.”

And that’s all it takes.

You cry out as it barrels through you, muscles locking up and fingers gripping the sheets achingly tight as you give him exactly what he asked for. He hisses as you squeeze down _hard_ around him, the warmth of his breath against your sensitive ear adding to your pleasure and making you shudder violently. He just keeps himself and his fingers pressed against you as you ride it out, dragging it out as long as he can.

When you come back you yourself you’re panting; the feeling of his softening cock slipping out of you barely registering as he pulls back.

“Thank you, Leader,” you pant as you push yourself up to sit back on your knees. He just hums in acknowledgement as he slides off the bed to dig the wet wipes out of your nightstand, handing the pack to you first. You flush as you take one before handing it back, watching silently as he pulls one out for himself before putting it away again.

“So, um,” you start as you watch him move to redress. “Are you hungry or anything? I know it’s kind of late but I don’t mind making something if you are.” Honestly you mostly just want to see if you can get him to stick around for a bit. You know so little about this man who is technically your boss. It would feel weird to not at least try to get to know him a bit better after all that.

“I appreciate the offer but that won't be necessary,” he says coolly as he shrugs on his cloak. Clearly he’s just going to go straight back to business as usual. You try not to let the disappointment slump your shoulders. “I need to get back to my own base.” You almost ask where that base is (purely for curiosity’s sake of course) but refrain. Something tells you he wouldn’t be eager to divulge that kind of information.

“…May I ask you a question before you go, sir?” you try, voice quiet and a little tentative. He just turns that dark, ringed gaze on you as he fastens the last button, waiting. “Would it be okay if Itachi started training me in chakra control? I’d love to be able to use storage scrolls when I’m out on supply runs.”

“Itachi already brought up your question with me,” he replies as he crosses his arms. Your heart sinks at the revelation. Clearly the answer wasn’t a favorable one since Itachi’s been withholding it from you. “I’m sorry but the answer is no. Chakra control is a dangerous thing even when underdeveloped. We wanted a civilian for a reason.”

“I promise I won’t hurt anyone, sir!” you can’t help but push. You’re honestly a little offended that he’d even think such a thing. “I doubt I could even if I wanted to! Surely it can’t be _that_ dangerous!”

The sharp narrowing of his eyes lets you know that you are _dangerously_ close to crossing a line. You immediately cow, hunching in on yourself under that intense purple glare. You really didn’t think it’d irritate him that badly.

“It’s not necessarily a matter of you doing it on purpose,” he says lowly but evenly, a quiet warning. “Fear and anger tend to sharpen such things, bring your protective instincts to the surface. The men are unguarded around you. They wouldn’t be expecting a reflexive chakra hit from your hands. It’s too much of a risk.”

You can’t help but deflate a little on yourself in disappointment. You can’t imagine ever being in a situation where you’d reflexively do something that could seriously hurt one of the guys. Well, besides Kakuzu, anyway. You can’t help but still be a bit wary around him. And even then you can’t imagine being able to do any significant damage to any of them. Still, you know better than to push it any further. “I see. I… I understand, sir.”

“Good. Then we’re through here.” He turns to leave, pausing after grabbing the handle. He looks back at you over his shoulder, lips slightly drawn. “I trust this… encounter… will stay between us?”

“Of course, sir,” you reply smoothly, quietly. “My lips are sealed.” Normally you wouldn’t like being someone’s dirty little secret but in this case you have a feeling it has more to do with him and his leader image than it does with shame over being with you in particular.

He nods. “Goodnight, ________.”

“Goodnight, Leader.”

And with that he’s gone.

You just sigh as you go about getting ready for bed; suddenly feeling very, very tired and strangely lonely. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big shout out and thank you to my betas and mods ToMakeMeTame and SaltySeaFarms! I couldn't do this without you. Also a special thank you to SpookyTomato for helping me generate ideas for this chapter! I really appreciate it. 
> 
> Stay safe, sane, and thanks for reading! (Especially those of you dealing with the fires on the West Coast right now. You all take care of yourselves and I hope things calm down very soon. <3)
> 
> 9/19/2020 UPDATE: I'm sorry guys but I'm not going to be able to update this week. This last chapter has been fighting me and I need a couple of weeks to take a step back and get back into a writing headspace. I know things have been looking extra shitty lately but I promise I am not abandoning this story. Stay strong until November, babes. Hopefully we can turn this tide for the better. 
> 
> Rest in peace and power, Ruth Bader Ginsburg. May we channel your indomitable will and strength in these trying times.
> 
> Update 9/28/2020: I added a Kisamehada/Reader chapter to the Side Fic to tide you all over while I work on the next chapter to this one. Enjoy! ;)


	20. Girl Talk

Nagato is not nearly as sneaky or subtle as he thinks he is.

Sure, it may have something to do with the fact that she’s known him for years, been his closest friend for over two decades, but that’s what makes it all the more frustrating and borderline insulting.

She _knows_ he’s visiting you. Any lies or excuses he gives otherwise be damned.

She doesn’t begrudge his curiosity. For all his problems and ailments he is still a man, after all. An _inexperienced_ man. He’d never known what she and Yahiko had with each other. It’s only natural he’d be curious now that the right opportunity has presented itself. She was fine with him indulging himself a little that way.

…But when he kept going back _that’s_ when she started to wonder.

She can’t help but be a little curious herself, now.

Nagato wouldn’t keep going back to you if you didn’t have something else to offer. He’s just not the type. Once the itch had been scratched, his curiosity sated, that should have been the end of it. But instead he’s out doing suspiciously convenient “border patrols” every time the base is empty.

Empty, that is, except for _you_.

She can’t deny that she sees the base appeal. Like Madara said you really are an adorable little thing; funny and warm and full of a life that most shinobi have had stomped out of them. That little fiasco with your cat was more than enough to show that. She’d never seen the men so open before, so at ease.

…And it’s all your doing. 

She’s never had friends outside of Yahiko and Nagato. Most of the other members of the previous Akatsuki never attempted to get so close to her, preferred to keep a professional distance. The few that had tried were mostly after a physical relationship; something she wasn’t interested in for obvious reasons. Now one of her friends is dead and the other is so entrenched in bitterness that she hardly recognizes him anymore. She stays with him out of deep-seated love and loyalty; a need to see some form of her lost lover’s goal come to fruition.

Besides, it’s not like she has anything else. War and loss are all she’s ever known, all she’s ever had.

…But now suddenly there’s _you_ ; a bright, promising _something_ that she’s desperate to know more about. For as much as she’ll never admit it, as much as she’ll never let it show, she is so, _so_ tired of always walking quietly in the dark.

Maybe she’ll pay you a visit herself. Just to see what all the fuss is about.

*

The rest of the base is dark, quiet. Everyone is out on missions so it’s just you and Maneki for a little while.

You’re sitting on your bed plucking away at your shamisen, trying to chase away some of the boredom and loneliness. Maneki’s comforting presence definitely helps but you still miss the guys. It just feels so strange around here when they’re all gone. So empty.

Maneki glances up at your door suddenly, stubby ears perking. Her movement catches your attention and you stop to look at her.

“What is it, girl?” you ask softly, following her gaze to the door. “Did someone get back early?”

Sure enough, a soft, gentle knock follows a moment later.

You grin, setting your instrument to the side before eagerly hoping off the bed to go see who it is.

Periwinkle blue hair and honey-gold eyes greet you on the other side.

“Miss Konan!” you say in mild surprise, blinking a little owlishly at her. She was honestly the last person you were expecting.

She gives you a small smile. “Please. Just Konan is fine.”

You just nod, face flushing as you instinctively step to the side to let her in. She’s extra pretty when she smiles. 

“Did something happen?” you ask as she takes the silent invitation and steps into your room. You quickly regret your words. You don’t want to make her feel unwelcome, you just weren’t expecting to see her. This is the first time you’ve talked to her in months. “Not that I’m not pleased to see you! I’m just a little surprised by your visit.”

She hums as she stops to glance around your room. Her gaze settles on Maneki still lounging on your bed. Maneki just twitches her bent tail and blinks her one good eye at her.

“Nothing happened,” Konan says evenly as she makes her way over to stand by the foot of your bed. You watch as she slowly reaches a hand out for Maneki to sniff. Maneki does so for a brief moment before immediately bumping her head against it in a silent demand for pets. Konan smiles as she easily relents; long, slender fingers moving to gently scratch between her ears. “I just decided to stop by for a visit, is all. I know Pain has been by here a few times.”

You freeze, breath hitching as your heart starts to race. Her tone was still even when she said it, not angry or accusing in any way, but you still can’t help but worry.

“I’m so sorry!” you blurt. “He told me you weren’t- I didn’t know you were-”

“We’re not,” she cuts you off smoothly, glancing over to give you a soft look. “At least not anymore. We were, in a way, a long time ago. But that time has long since passed.”

Your heart aches a little at the sadness and bitterness that tinge her tone, at the slightly hard, distant look in her beautiful eyes. But then you blink and the look is gone, smoothed back to her usual passive indifference.

“I see,” you say softly. “I’m sorry.”

She hums in acknowledgement but doesn’t say anything more.

You both stand in silence for a moment; her still gently scratching Maneki and you just watching.

Finally, curiosity gets the better of you and you can’t help but ask.

“So, uh,” you start awkwardly to get her attention, rubbing at the back of your neck as she glances over at you. “Did you, you know, come for _that_ kind of visit or…?” you trail off with a heavy flush, face growing hot.

“I’m…honestly not quite sure yet,” she admits quietly as she once again focuses her attention on your cat. You soften. You recognize the loneliness, now. That strange anticipation that comes with getting to know someone new; the quiet hesitation and subtle fear of rejection. Well, you’ll just have to do something about it now, won’t you?

“Would you like to have a girls’ night?” you offer with a kind smile. “You know, bake some cookies, wear some face masks, do each other’s hair and nails?” You need her comfortable, need her to know its okay to let her guard down with you. “It doesn’t have to lead to anything more, but if it does, I’m open to it if you are.”

She blinks up at you in surprise for a moment.

But then her eyes soften, a small, genuine smile tugging at her pretty lips and making her labret piercing glint.

“That sounds lovely.”

*

“So what would you like me to make?” you hum as you open the pantry. Konan sits on a stool at the island, a purring Maneki in her lap. “I have everything needed to make pretty much anything you’re in the mood for. Cookies, cake, mochi, dango…” you trail off with a smile and a raise of your brows.

“I didn’t realize Kakuzu had such a sweet tooth,” she says lightly as she pets down Maneki’s back.

You laugh. “He doesn’t,” you admit with a twinkle in your eyes. “But the rest of us do so we all pitch in a little extra money to buy stuff like this.”

“I see,” she says with a small smile of her own. She really does have a lovely smile. You hope you get to see more of it tonight. “I’m not picky so I’ll defer to your judgment.”

“Oh, come on now,” you tease, smile turning cheeky. “You’re the one who went out of her way to visit little ol’ me. The least I can do is let you pick the snacks.”

She hesitates for a moment, eyes going ever so slightly wide as she stares at you. You wink at her and she glances away, cheeks tinting with just the barest hint of blush. It’s… really stinkin’ cute. “I… it’s been a while since I’ve had chocolate chip cookies…” she says after a moment, gaze still trained on the toaster instead of on you.

You grin as you start to dig out everything you need. “Chocolate chip cookies it is!” 

You chat amiably while you work, the conversation coming easier the more you talk. You’re good at keeping a conversation going and Konan loosens up a bit more with each eager question and comment and bright-eyed laugh. Her smiles start to come a bit easier, too. You just hope it’s not too obvious that your gaze goes straight to her lips whenever she does.

After sliding the cookie try into the oven, you both move out into the living room at your suggestion to do something else while you wait for them to bake. You leave Konan on the couch for a minute as you disappear down the hall, promising to return with your nail polish. Not two minutes later you’re tromping back in with everything you need for pedicures. Your collection may not be particularly impressive but you have a decent enough selection. After laying some old towels on the floor you both sit on them and get started.

The easy conversation continues while you work. Konan took her cloak off before sitting down, revealing a sleeveless, form-fitting, shark-bite style top that shows off both her curves and pale, toned stomach. She’s got four more piercings around her bellybutton. You try not to let your eyes trail over her lovely figure too much but it’s hard not to sneak a few peeks when she’s so close to you like this. You just do your best to focus on painting her nails, not wanting to be rude or creepy.

Eventually the talk turns towards the other members of your little group. Konan reveals that she had a hand in a few of their recruitments and naturally you had to know more.

"No way," you snort, glancing up from Konan's toes to pin her with a half-disbelieving look. "He actually thought you were in a BAND?"  
  
She hums, eyes noticeably brighter. "He tried to place us with our instruments. He thought Kakuzu played bass, me on keyboard, and couldn't decide if either Itachi or I did the vocals."  
  
You roll your eyes so hard you swear you catch a glimpse of your brain stem. "You know what? That actually sounds EXACTLY like Hidan." You go back to painting her nails before you continue. "So what did you tell him?"  
  
"I told him that we WERE a band," she continues as she watches you work, trying to keep from wriggling her toes at the slight ticklishness of it. It feels...different...having someone else do this. Not bad, or anything. Just different. "A band of ki- uh.” She cuts herself off suddenly, glancing away to look towards the hall instead. You look at her curiously, but she’s already talking again. “A band of vagabonds,” she says, not meeting your eyes.  
  
"…You okay?" you can’t help but ask.  
  
"I'm fine," she replies evenly, finally looking at you. "I just remembered something I have to do when I get back, is all."  
  
"Yeah, that happens to me sometimes, too," you hum in understanding as you go back to painting her nails. "So obviously THAT went over well. Hidan definitely seems like he'd be all for joining a band of vagabonds."

Konan just hums in agreement, gaze still focused on the short, precise movements of your fingers with the nail polish brush. She’s so reserved and polite; almost like a female Itachi. It makes you wonder…

“So how did a nice girl like you get involved with a ‘band of vagabonds?’” you can’t help but ask. Your tone is light, teasing. You really are curious, though. Especially since as far as you know she’s the only woman of the group.

She clams up; all of her toes scrunching as her body tenses just enough for you to notice. You backtrack immediately, pulling away to give her some space. “I’m sorry! You don’t have to answer that. My curiosity makes me come off a bit nosey sometimes.”

“It’s fine,” she says simply, tone even despite her tenseness. Her face is schooled into a passive, neutral expression; honey gaze shifting up to look at your face. “It’s natural to be curious.”

“Yeah, but some questions are still kind of rude to ask. I really am sorry,” you murmur as you recap the bottle in your hand. Luckily you were pretty much finished anyway.

Konan’s face softens, pretty lips curling up into a small, reassuring smile. “It’s alright. Please don’t worry about it.”

Things lull into a strange quiet as you grab up the clear top coat polish, motioning for her to bring her feet a bit closer. Once she does you start going over her painted nails with it. Best to just focus on this rather than risk asking more uncomfortable questions. You were doing so well, too.

“…I joined this organization to follow a loved one of mine,” she says quietly out of the blue a couple of minutes later. You pause for a brief moment, eyes darting up to look at her face. She looks…distant; her gaze unfocused. “He was the original leader, the one who started it. When he passed I stayed to honor him, to help bring some form of his dream to life. That and I couldn’t leave Pain alone.”

“I see,” you reply softly, looking back down again as sadness tugs at the edges of your eyes. You almost want to ask what his dream was, how he died, but that feels like the wrong thing to do so you don’t. For now you’ll just focus on her. “I’m so sorry you lost him, Konan.”

She just hums in acknowledgement before changing the subject.

“You’re into crochet?” she asks, nodding towards the half-finished scarf you left on the coffee table. You glance over to look at it and nod, quietly dropping the subject like she obviously wants.

“Yeah, it’s a bit of a recent hobby,” you say as you turn back to finish up. You lean over to grab a clean cotton swab and the acetone to clean up a few of the rougher edges. You have fairly steady hands but you’re not perfect. “It gets pretty boring around here when I’m left to my own devices for too long. I love reading but I needed something to keep my hands busy too, ya know?”

“I know that feeling well,” she answers simply. “That need to distract your hands and mind with something else.”

“Oh? What kind of hobbies are you into?”

“I enjoy origami in my spare time. That and flower pressing.”

“That’s so neat!” you say as you pull back to admire your handiwork. You did a pretty damn good job if you do say so yourself. “Did you make that flower you’re wearing?”

She smiles as she wiggles her toes, clearly pleased with your work as well. “I did. Roses are one of my favorite things to fold.”

“It’s beautiful,” you say honestly as you turn your attention on it instead. It looks so real; especially with a bit of distance. “I wish I could do something like that. I’m not sure my fingers are quite nimble enough for it, though.”

She turns that smile on you, then; nearly making your heart skip a beat. It’s honestly almost unfair just how lovely she is. “It just takes practice and patience like anything else,” she says with soft eyes. “Maybe I could teach you the basics sometime.”

Your face feels hot, your tummy warm. “I’d like that.”

She insists on painting your nails next despite your protests otherwise. You don’t want to put her out, after all. After a bit of gentle coaxing, though, you give in. It would be rude to turn down such an earnest offer. You pick out a color and hand it to her before sitting back, leaving your toes in her lovely, capable hands. When she goes to gently grab your foot to bring it closer to herself, however, things take a bit of a messy turn.

You can’t help but yelp a little at the ticklish contact, instinctively yanking your foot back so fast it knocks the bottle in her hand and spills paint all over your bare leg and the towel. You flush as you stare at the aftermath, embarrassment quickly taking over all else.

“Oh my god I am so sorry!” you squeak as she blinks at the mess in mild surprise. “I didn’t realize I was so ticklish! I’m not really used to having my feet touched.”

She turns her attention on your face, eyes twinkling at the obvious embarrassment she sees there. “It’s alright. It was just an accident. I’ll go get a washcloth.”

“You don’t have to!” you insist. It’s your fault, after all; your mess. But she’s already standing up, strolling off towards the kitchen before you can protest any more. She comes back less than a minute later, damp washcloth in hand. She crouches down next to you, reaching out to gently run the cloth over the affected skin instead of handing it over for you to do yourself. It’s…strangely intimate. Not necessarily uncomfortable or unwanted, just…unexpected. Though her hands are gentle you can’t help but notice the surprising roughness of her skin, the calluses no doubt brought about by being a shinobi. Your flush deepens.  
  
“Thank you,” you say as she pulls back.

She just gives you another soft smile. “It was no problem. You’ve been so kind to me. I wanted to return a little of the favor.”

You’re…not quite sure how to respond to that. Luckily the loud ringing of the kitchen timer saves you from having to.

“Looks like the cookies are done!” you say as you quickly push yourself to your feet, hoping your tone doesn’t sound as nervous as you suddenly feel. Gah, why are you so awkward?

Konan quietly follows you into the kitchen, Maneki strolling over to jump up in her lap as she re-takes her seat at the island. You don’t notice the way she watches you move around the kitchen, too focused on pulling out the baking tray and pouring two glasses of milk to see her curious once-over. You use a spatula to scrape the cookies onto a plate to cool a bit faster, mostly to have an excuse to stay busy a little longer as you mentally slap yourself back to proper working order.

“Bon appétit,” you joke as you slide her a napkin with a few cookies on it along with a glass of milk. You settle down into the chair next to her with your own snack just as she’s taking her first bite, her eyes visibly brightening as she does.

“These are really good,” she compliments after swallowing, turning to look at you with a slightly awed expression. You grin at her, pride swelling a little in your chest.

“Thank you! It’s actually my mom’s recipe.” It took her many, many tries to get the ratios and ingredients ‘perfect.’ You remember watching her bang around the kitchen after closing, writing down possible combinations only to immediately throw them out when they didn’t quite work. You ate through countless doughy, underdone, over-baked, overly-crumbly, or otherwise ‘imperfect’ cookies before she got it ‘right.’ “She’s the one that put in the real work. I was just moral support and a taste tester.”

“Well she did an excellent job,” Konan says after swallowing another bite. “And clearly she passed her gift onto you. We haven’t had a single complaint about your food. Trust me when I say that some of them absolutely would if it was anything less than delicious.”

You flush, glancing away in embarrassment. Though you enjoy getting compliments you’re not really used to them, don’t really know how to respond. “Ah, thank you. I’m glad they enjoy it.”

When you’re finished with your snack you treat her to a home spa night, eagerly sharing your face masks and deep conditioner with her. You even manage to convince her to have a soak with you; gently coaxing her with the bath bombs you’ve been meaning to try, figuring it’s the perfect special occasion to use them. If she notices that you use the opportunity to give her a couple of subtle, flushed-face once-overs she doesn’t say anything about it. (You, in turn, don’t notice the shy, subtle glances she gives _you_.) She’s got more piercings; one through each pretty pink nipple. She’s also well trimmed; the hair between her legs a darker shade of blue than the hair on her head. After scratching that particular curious itch you turn your attention on tossing in the bath bombs. You both admire the fizzy, colorful show they put on; chit-chatting amiably as you sit in the sparkling purple water until you’re both pruny.

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end and all too soon she decides it’s time for her to go.

“I suppose I should get back. It’s getting awfully late,” she says softly. Your heart sinks a little, disappointment weighing in your chest. A big part of you was hoping she’d stay, was hoping she’d spend the night. She’s so lovely and you enjoy her company and a selfish part of you wants a bit more, wants to experience her the same way you’ve experienced most of the others. Still, you don’t want to push her boundaries or, even worse, push her away. If all she wants from you is a friend and conversation partner then you’re more than happy to let things stay like this.

“I guess we were just having so much fun we lost track of time,” you joke lightly as you follow her to the front door. She pauses in the entryway to put on her sandals. They’re different from the ones the guys wear; heeled. They suit her. “I hope we get to do this again sometime. I really enjoyed hanging out with you.” An eager but indirect invitation seems like the best way to go. Though you really do hope that this becomes a regular thing you don’t want to put any pressure on her to do so.

“I sincerely appreciate everything you’ve done for me,” she says as she straightens back up and turns to look at you. Her eyes are soft; her pretty lips turned up in a small, warm smile. It makes your stomach flip. “I haven’t enjoyed myself this much in ages.”

“Same,” you say with a grin. “Don’t get me wrong, most of the guys are great, but it’s just not the same as having a girlfriend, ya know?”

“I…I wouldn’t know,” she admits quietly, unable to look at you. “I’ve never had one before.” You soften in sympathy. You know exactly what that’s like.

“Honestly? You’re only my second,” you say lightly, trying to ease some of her embarrassment. “I met my first a couple of years ago back in town. Other than her, the guys are the first real friends I’ve ever had.”

Her lips twitch back up into a small, amused smile. “Well I’m glad you’re all getting along so well. I can easily see why the men enjoy your company so much.” She lifts her hand, white origami paper peeling off her cloak and fluttering up towards her outstretched fingers. You watch in wide-eyed curiosity as they swirl into her open hand, folding and fitting around each other until a beautiful bouquet of paper roses takes their place. “Here,” she says as she holds it out to you, eyes so soft it makes your heart clench. “Thank you for tonight.”

You reach out and take it from her delicately, reverently. Though it feels sturdier than it looks you don’t want to take any chances. “They’re beautiful,” you breathe, turning your wide, awed eyes on her. You’re leaning in before you realize what you’re doing, lips meeting the softness of her cheek as you give her a gentle ‘thank you’ kiss. You face flushes in embarrassment as you move to pull away, mouth opening to apologize –

\-- When she suddenly turns and catches your lips with hers. They’re even softer than her cheek; smooth and full and lush against your own. She smells like lavender and incoming rain, fresh and heady. You can feel the cool press of her piercing under your bottom lip as you lean in, eager for more.

Just as you reach up to tangle a hand in her hair, though, she pulls away. Your heart drops.

“I – I’m sorry,” she stammers as she takes a few steps back, honey-gold eyes slightly wide. “I don’t know what came over me.”

“Hey, hey, it’s all right!” you soothe, making no moves to follow her. If she wants space, you’ll give her space. “I didn’t mind it at all.”

“I’m sorry, I - ” she swallows and takes a deep breath, eyes closing as she tries to get her bearings. When she opens them again they’re back to their usual calm distance. Your heart drops a little more. “I need to think about some things first.”

You just nod and give her a reassuring smile. “I understand. Like I said, this doesn’t have to lead to anything more, but if you want it to I’m open. Take all the time you need.”

Her shoulders lose their tenseness, then; her soft smile returning. She nods as she turns and opens the door. “Goodnight, ________.”

“Goodnight, Konan.”

And with that she steps out into the night, closing it softly behind her.

You just sigh and shuffle back to your room, paper roses cradled against your chest.

*

She comes to you again the next night.

You weren’t expecting her back again this soon so when you open your door to find her standing on the other side you can’t help but stare at her; a little dumbfounded.

“Konan!” you exclaim once you shake off the initial surprise. “It’s good to see you again.”

She smiles, but there’s a reserved edge to it, a hesitance. “You as well. May I come in?”

“Of course,” you say as you move to the side. She steps in and turns to look at you once the door is shut. Even though it’s just the two of you it feels a bit strange to leave it open. “Did you come to hang out some more?”

“I… I would like to try taking this relationship a step further, if you’re still willing,” she says quietly.

You force your face to remain neutral despite your eyebrows’ overwhelming urge to ride up your forehead. You honestly weren’t really expecting her to want this, much less this soon. “Of course I’m still willing! I’d love to get to know you that way.”

She flushes, porcelain skin taking on a pretty red hue. You resist the urge to lean in and kiss her cheeks. “I… I’ve never been with another woman before.”

“Neither have I,” you hum with a small grin. You’ve always been curious to try it, though. You discovered in your early teenage years that there are quite a few women you enjoy looking at as much as you enjoy looking at men. “But don’t worry. I’m sure we can figure it out. Would you like me to take the lead?”

Her flush deepens as she nods.

“Would you like to start now?”

Another nod.

“Alright, just give me a sec.”

She watches silently as you walk over to your bed and promptly scoop up a dozing Maneki. She flattens her stubby ears in protest but otherwise lets you carry her to the door, gently putting her out into the hall after opening it. She strolls off towards the living room, no doubt to sleep on the couch instead.

“Sorry about that,” you say as you close the door again. “She likes to stare and demand attention at, uh, inappropriate times.”

Konan smiles, small but genuine. “I’m sure the men were amused to find that out.”

You snort as you walk back over to her. “Kisame thought it was funny. Hidan and Deidara? Not so much.”

She hums in amusement; the closest thing to a laugh you’ve heard from her. You’re glad she’s loosening up a bit. “No, I’d imagine not.”

“So, um, would you like me to take off your cloak?” you ask to get things back on track.

She flushes again. It’s honestly adorable. “If… if you’d like to…”

You grin as you sidle a little closer, lids dropping to half-mast as you look up at her through your lashes. “Oh, I’d very much like to,” you purr. “Let me know if you’re ever uncomfortable.” You reach up to undo the top button just as you lean up for a kiss, unable to resist. She easily concedes, lips yielding against yours as you move them gently against hers. You continue kissing as you move down to undo the others, going until it hangs all the way open. You slide your hands under it and onto her shoulders, pushing it down her arms and onto the floor as your lips eagerly trail down to nibble at the pale sliver of skin above her high-necked shirt. She gasps as she tilts her head back, giving you better access.

“May I?” you pull back to breathe with a light tug to her shirt’s front zipper. She nods and you immediately pull it down, quickly exposing the beautiful half-moons of her pale breasts. Her breath hitches as you push that off, too; her skin warm and silky under your fingers. You lean back a bit to admire her, hands smoothing down her sides to rest on her full hips. “You’re so beautiful, Konan,” you murmur as your gaze trails over her chest and the flat, toned plane of her abdomen. Her breasts are full and lovely and look so soft you can’t help but reach up to gently cup one. “So pretty…”

“Thank you,” she murmurs back as she brings her own hands up to tug shyly at the hem of your tee shirt. “I… I would prefer it if you were bare, too, please.”

“Yeah, that’s fair,” you breathe as you move to tug it off. You grab the bottom of it and pull it over your head, gaze trained on her labret piercing instead of her eyes. It’s… different… somehow than when you were in the bath together. Maybe because your bodies are the focus this time instead of just relaxing. Hopefully she likes what she sees.

“You’re lovely,” she says quietly as you drop your shirt next to hers. Her eyes and tone are soft; sincere. It makes you flush.

“Thank you,” you reply just as quietly. You move your hands to rest on her hips again, fingertips skimming the top of her pants. “Can I take these off, too?”

Her lips quirk up into a cute little smile, making her piercing glint and you want to kiss her again. “Only if you take yours off as well.”

You smirk. “Deal.” 

As soon as you’re both naked you grab her hand and gently lead her over to the bed, giving in to your earlier urge to kiss her once you’re standing in front of it. Like earlier you start slow and easy. You bring your tongue out to play as things start to get a bit heavy, lightly swiping it over her lips in a silent ask for permission. She grants it a little hesitantly, mouth opening slowly to let you in.

You match her pace, slowing down a bit to ease her into it. You gently roll your tongue against hers, testing. She’s got a piercing here, too; round and smooth. You hum in delight and gently flick the tip of your tongue against it in approval. She moans back; strong, slender fingers reaching up to tangle in your hair.

Once you’ve had your fill of her mouth you pull back to trail your lips down her jaw, gently urging her to sit on the edge of the bed. She easily gives in, settling down with her legs hanging down the side.

“Tell me if you’re ever uncomfortable,” you murmur against her skin. “It won’t hurt my feelings.”

“You’re fine,” she murmurs back, gently tugging your hair in a silent ask to continue. “I’ll let you know.”

You press one final kiss to her jaw before trailing down her neck; soft, feather-light kisses that make her shiver and sigh. It sends a low pulse to your core, cunt clenching as it starts to slick.

“May I?” you ask as you pause at her chest, gaze flicking down to her breasts before once again meeting her eyes. She just nods, eyes starting to darken and haze as she looks back at you. You grin as you move in, eagerly taking one of her pretty nipples into your hot mouth as you move to work her other with your fingers. She gasps and arches into you, hands pressing you a bit harder against her. You moan, cunt clenching at her eager reaction. You’re so glad she trusts you enough to do this.

You lave over her piercing with your tongue, cool and smooth against your taste buds. You gently swirl around it as you start to suck, pulling off with a wet ‘pop’ and a glistening trail of saliva to admire just how stiff it is. You’re back on her before she can protest, showering the other with the same attention as your fingers lightly twist and pull the one you just left. She moans and arches against you; fingernails scraping deliciously against your scalp.

Curious to see the full effect of your work, you let a hand trail down to the juncture of her gorgeous thighs. You run a finger up her slit, moaning against her at the slick dampness you find there. She gasps and bucks against you, making your fingertip bump against her swollen clit. You groan and pull back.

“Can I taste you?” you ask, sounding a bit breathless. Her face is well and truly flushed, now; eyes dark and wanting.

“I - ” she hesitates, fidgets a little as she searches for words. “You don’t have to.”

“I _want_ to,” you breathe. You want to pull more of those lovely reactions from her beautiful body, want her panting and moaning and gasping as she tugs at your hair. “Please let me take care of you, Konan. I want to make you feel good.”

“…Alright,” she concedes, sounding a bit breathless herself. You grin at her as you grab the nearest pillow and toss it on the floor; never taking your lidded bedroom gaze off her as you gently push her to lie back before sinking down to your knees and hooking her legs over your shoulders. You can’t help but part her for a better look, spreading her lips with your thumbs to admire just how slick she already is. She’s a lovely shade of dusty pink; pretty little clit hard and begging for attention. You glance up for one final confirmation before you get started. She nods. You close the gap and give her a long, slow lick from bottom to top.

She tastes like fresh wood sorrel clover; tangy and a little salty-sour. You moan against her, making her gasp and buck. You give her another slow lick before settling on her clit, gently rubbing it under your tongue. Her fingers tighten in your hair, hand trembling in an obvious attempt to keep from shoving your head against her. You smirk around your tongue, infinitely pleased that she’s already this worked up. You’re going to do your damndest not to disappoint her.

Taking her silent cue, you press firmer against her; giving her clit a few strong licks before pressing your tongue flat against it and grinding. She chokes, hips trembling as she instinctively grinds back. You moan again, your own cunt clenching around nothing. She’s so lovely; so sensitive and erotic and eager. This is _so_ much better than just reading about it in your books. You slip a hand down your body and between your thighs, looking for your own relief.

Like Kisame did with you, you do your best to read her body. You lean into each buck of her hips, pay keen attention to each gasp and moan and tremble. She likes a bit of a firmer touch and you eagerly give it to her; grind your tongue up and down and side to side until her whole body is flushed and panting. Her fingers never let up their grip on your hair, tangled against you as she anchors herself. After a few minutes you decide to switch it up. You pull your tongue back to wrap your lips around her instead, curious to see how she’ll react. She makes a strangled noise as you start to suck, the sound caught in her beautiful throat. You hum in delight and she trembles.

You move the fingers not working your own clit to tease at her entrance, gently running the tips around it as you glance up at her in question. Her face is beautifully flushed; mouth slightly open in a pant and honey-gold eyes darkened to a gorgeous amber. You raise your brows and she nods.

Your finger slips in easily; her cunt is so slick you wouldn’t be surprised if she could take all four of them at once. You gently feel around, looking for that one spot that makes you see stars. You find it after a few moments, slightly raised and bumpy under your touch. You add another finger and press firmly against it, smirking against her when she gasps and bucks her hips. Her own fingers have a borderline death grip on your hair; tugging at it with each brush of your fingers.

She doesn’t last much longer. After only a minute of working her over both ways she’s coming undone; sucking in a sharp breath as she instinctively shoves your face against her crotch and holds you there. You just hum as you work her through it, gently sucking on her clit as her slick, velvet-soft walls clamp and flutter around your fingers. When her own loosen their grip in your hair you pull back, moving to gently lap at her until her hips twitch away in overstimulation.

“You want another one?” you ask with a lazy smirk as you pull back completely. You lick your lips clean as you take in your handiwork, the fingers between your legs moving down to slip into your dripping cunt at the delicious sight of her. She looks well and thoroughly fucked – face flushed dark as she stares back at you through hazy, lidded eyes. Her lovely breasts rise and fall with each deep, panting breath; pretty pink nipples taunt. Pride swells in your chest. _You_ did this to her.

“I – I’m good,” she pants. “Just, let me catch my breath, please.”

You grin and give the inside of her thigh a gentle kiss. “You take all the time you need, beautiful,” you purr.

After a minute to get her bearings she sits up; the hand still in your hair sliding down to grip the back of your neck before she bends down to meet you in a sweet, eager kiss. You melt against her easily. The softness of her lips contrasted with the bite of her piercings drives you crazy.

“Thank you,” she murmurs when you pull away. Her eyes are so soft as they stare into your own that it makes your heart catch. “That was wonderful.”

“Yeah, no problem,” you slur almost drunkenly, more than a little dazed. “You sure you don’t want another one? Or two?” Honestly, you wouldn’t mind doing that to her until your tongue goes numb.

“I’m alright for now,” she says softly. “It’s…it’s been a while since I’ve had one that intense.”

“Well feel free to come back for more any time, gorgeous,” you offer before you can think of a better way to say it. Shit. Why must you be so awkward?! Is Hidan starting to rub off on you?!

Her eyebrows raise a little in surprise, honey-gold eyes blinking owlishly. Then she starts to _laugh_ ; warm and genuine and as lovely as the rest of her. You flush, relief mixing with a strange pride in your chest. You’re happy to have pulled such a reaction from her, happy that she finds gentle amusement in your awkwardness like Kisame does.

“I just might,” she teases, eyes sparkling with mirth. They trail down your body to settle on the hand you still have shoved between your legs, widening slightly at the sight. You both flush as her gaze flicks back up to yours. “Would… would you like me to help you with that?”

“You don’t have to!” you say quickly, not wanting her to feel obligated or uncomfortable. It’s clear that it’s been a while since she’s been intimate with anyone and you don’t want to rush her into anything. “I’m perfectly alright with taking care of myself.”

She smiles. “It would be rude of me to take so much and not give back,” she hums as she lets the hand on the back of your neck slide down to rest on your hip.

“It’s fine! Really!” you sputter, raising both your hands with your palms out in reassurance. “I _liked_ taking care of you! You don’t have to feel obligated to return the favor.”

“But I _want_ to,” she says easily, using your words and tone from earlier. “Besides, I’m a bit curious myself, now.”

You can’t help but glance down at her lips; curled up at the edges in a small, pretty smile. They’re so soft and full and you’re sure they’d feel wonderful between your thighs. And that’s to say nothing of her tongue piercing…

“…Alright,” you concede after a moment. “But only if you’re sure!”

“I’m sure,” she hums as she presses a surprisingly strong hand to your chest and uses it to gently push you back. You let her, easing back until you’re pressed against the mattress. “I…I’ve never done this before so I apologize if I’m a bit awkward at first.”

“Hey, no worries!” you sooth with a reassuring grin. “This is supposed to be fun. There’s no pressure.”

She gives you another one of those impossibly soft smiles that makes your stomach flip. “Let me know if anything feels uncomfortable.” You just flush and nod as you stand up and climb onto the bed to settle back against the pillows. 

The first press of her tongue against you is light, tentative. She runs it up your slit slowly, the metal piercing catching on your clit and making your breath hitch. Her eyes immediately flick up to look at your face, concerned. You give her a shaky grin and an awkward thumbs up. She smiles back before resuming her gentle attentions.

She sticks to feather-light licks, that wonderful piercing of hers catching on each one. You groan and let your head fall back, gripping at the sheets to keep from reaching out and tangling a hand in her beautiful hair. Your fingers are still a little sticky from earlier and you don’t want her to have to wash her hair.

“Please,” you beg when the pressure isn’t quite enough. “Please press a little firmer, Konan. _Please_.”

She hums as she immediately complies; licks becoming noticeably more firm. You groan as you instinctively buck up against her at the feeling, clit bumping against the end of her nose. She pulls back, eyes a little wide in surprise.

“I’m sorry!” you gasp, sitting up on your elbows as you start to scoot away. “I didn’t mean - ”

Her arms wrap around your thighs before you can fully escape, a mischievous look twinkling in her pretty eyes. “It’s alright. I was just a little surprised is all.” 

“Sorry!” you apologize again; flushing as you force yourself to meet her eyes. “I’ll try to stay still.”

“You don’t have to,” she says gently, lips pulling into a teasing half-smile. “Reactions like that mean I’m doing a good job.”

“Yeah,” you breathe as you lay back again. “Still, I’ll try not to move too much.”

“We’ll see.” Her tone is so playful it takes you by surprise. She’s been relatively reserved with you so far; politely distant. You’re both flattered and grateful that she’s warming up to you so fast. You hope this trend continues.

Before you can think about it further her tongue is back on you. She obviously picked up on the fact that you like her piercing because she takes to rubbing you with it; gently swirling it around your aching clit until you’re arching under her. She hums as she brings her lips into play, wrapping them around you and sucking lightly while she continues to tease you with her tongue.

You’re worked up enough from playing with yourself earlier that it doesn’t take long for you to come. You cry out as it overtakes you, hips instinctively grinding up against her as you tense and shudder through it. Konan just grips your thighs harder as she lets you ride it out against her mouth, tongue still pressed firmly against you.

“Thank you, Konan,” you pant as you come back down, looking at her through hazy eyes. She just smiles as she crawls up your body for another gentle kiss; soft lips tasting of your slick.

You get cleaned up in comfortable silence, neither of you really knowing what to say or do next. When she moves to get redressed, though, you can’t help but speak up.

“…Would you like to stay and cuddle for a bit?” you ask before you can stop yourself. The thought of her just up and leaving like Pain does makes your chest ache. Besides, you don’t know when you’ll get to see her again. You want to make the most of this.

Her eyes widen in surprise as she turns back to you. “I… I really probably should get back…”

You deflate on yourself in disappointment; shoulders slumping and face drooping. “Oh. I… I understand. I’m sure you’re busy. I, uh, I guess I’ll see you next time, then?”

“…Actually, now that I think about it, my plans can wait.”

She’s crawling back onto the bed before you can protest, pulling the covers back as she slides in. She smiles as she pats the space next to her in invitation. You grin as you eagerly comply, crawling under the covers and snuggling up against her side like you’re depending on each other for life-saving warmth.

You chat quietly for the next hour, talking about anything and everything and nothing. The longer you go, though, the more tired you get; the lulls getting longer and your tones softer. All too soon you’re asleep, heavy eyes closing for good as you drift off in her arms before you can stop yourself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, babes! Thank you for your patience. I don't think I'll be able to update every weekend like I did before but I promise that I'm still going. I still have a couple of 'big' future chapters already written out and an end goal in mind it's just a matter of writing the build-up chapters between them. 
> 
> As always, thank you to my wonderful betas ToMakeMeTame and SaltySeaFarms! I couldn't do this without you guys. 
> 
> Stay safe, sane, and thanks for reading!


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